Page 38 | DH Affair. How do I cope with family holiday?

EmmaThompsonsTears · 2025-06-01T14:23:45+00:00

New account in case outing. I’ve just found out in the last 24 hours that my husband has been having an affair for the last 9 months at least. 2 DCs - 4 & 18m. He doesn’t know I know. I plan to keep it that way so I can see a solicitor and sort out finances. But we leave for a family holiday tomorrow, and I feel like I’m going to explode. How can I get through this week? Hand hold needed. Any advice welcome. I’ve been lurking on these threads for a while and felt in my gut I was a victim of The Script. Checked his phone while he was asleep and I was right. Please help.

GiantSaucepan · 14/06/2025 00:31

EmmaThompsonsTears · 14/06/2025 00:18

Thank you @GiantSaucepan and thank you everyone for reminding me to stay angry.

everyorn’s right: he only confessed because OW threatened to tell me and their workplace.

DH and MIL showed up today and tried to convince me to not do anything in haste. I (wrongly) took that to mean “don’t divorce him” and “stop being angry because it’s creating a bad atmosphere for the kids” and “don’t put his career at risk because it won’t be good for you or the kids” and I absolutely LOST MY SHIT. Shouted at him about the audacity to ask me to be reasonable and not put his career at risk over HIS actions.
Yelled that it wasn’t even about the affair or the OW, it was about all the abuse he put me through, and I absolutely wanted MIL to hear all the details of that

Still, I told him if he wanted me to be reasonable he’d have to give me full access to his phone so I could go in with my eyes open. Because last time he begged to have me back, he was doing the exact same thing with OW behind my back, and I had to be aware so I wouldn’t fall for his manipulative shit again.
had a good look through his phone (lots of nauseating stuff which made it clear that the affair was very much instigated by him) and then someone finally asked ME what I want.
i said I want a good night’s sleep, and then I want to file for divorce. I want to sell the house and coparent here together until then, but I will never forgive him or I’d be a mug. And the kids would learn that that’s how you treat women.
meanwhile STBexH (delighted to be using that acronym!) promised to go to counselling and have a total personality transplant now he’s seen the error of his ways. I have next to no faith that this will happen, but hopefully he’ll be a better father just for having a bit of therapy and admitting fault.
the point is that I no longer know or care if he’s buttering me up and telling me what I want to hear in order to worm his way back into my good books - because we’re divorcing, and it doesn’t matter. All I can see ahead is freedom.
and then we had a very good chat about what i want re coparenting and the boundaries around that

ill say it again: hes done me a huge favor, doing this. I never would have left for just the abuse, because I internalised it so much and it was so insidious, it wasn’t easy to define as abuse. But cheating is impossible to internalise. The cheating made him irredeemably a prick. I inarguably deserve better. The end.

and I’ll say this again: anger is a gift. It showed me that someone was attempting to mess with my boundaries. It was right. I’m not out of the woods yet, but I WILL get what I want. And what I want, always, is what’s best for the kids.

thank you all for helping me not to take my eye off the ball, and to see through the bullshit. You’re heroes and I hope this thread hopes somebody else one day too ❤️

Show quote history

👑

MrTumbleweed · 14/06/2025 00:35

I 100% bet he’s busy hiding his money while he’s putting this show on for you.

TooSquaretobehip · 14/06/2025 00:38

EmmaThompsonsTears · 14/06/2025 00:18

Thank you @GiantSaucepan and thank you everyone for reminding me to stay angry.

everyorn’s right: he only confessed because OW threatened to tell me and their workplace.

DH and MIL showed up today and tried to convince me to not do anything in haste. I (wrongly) took that to mean “don’t divorce him” and “stop being angry because it’s creating a bad atmosphere for the kids” and “don’t put his career at risk because it won’t be good for you or the kids” and I absolutely LOST MY SHIT. Shouted at him about the audacity to ask me to be reasonable and not put his career at risk over HIS actions.
Yelled that it wasn’t even about the affair or the OW, it was about all the abuse he put me through, and I absolutely wanted MIL to hear all the details of that

Still, I told him if he wanted me to be reasonable he’d have to give me full access to his phone so I could go in with my eyes open. Because last time he begged to have me back, he was doing the exact same thing with OW behind my back, and I had to be aware so I wouldn’t fall for his manipulative shit again.
had a good look through his phone (lots of nauseating stuff which made it clear that the affair was very much instigated by him) and then someone finally asked ME what I want.
i said I want a good night’s sleep, and then I want to file for divorce. I want to sell the house and coparent here together until then, but I will never forgive him or I’d be a mug. And the kids would learn that that’s how you treat women.
meanwhile STBexH (delighted to be using that acronym!) promised to go to counselling and have a total personality transplant now he’s seen the error of his ways. I have next to no faith that this will happen, but hopefully he’ll be a better father just for having a bit of therapy and admitting fault.
the point is that I no longer know or care if he’s buttering me up and telling me what I want to hear in order to worm his way back into my good books - because we’re divorcing, and it doesn’t matter. All I can see ahead is freedom.
and then we had a very good chat about what i want re coparenting and the boundaries around that

ill say it again: hes done me a huge favor, doing this. I never would have left for just the abuse, because I internalised it so much and it was so insidious, it wasn’t easy to define as abuse. But cheating is impossible to internalise. The cheating made him irredeemably a prick. I inarguably deserve better. The end.

and I’ll say this again: anger is a gift. It showed me that someone was attempting to mess with my boundaries. It was right. I’m not out of the woods yet, but I WILL get what I want. And what I want, always, is what’s best for the kids.

thank you all for helping me not to take my eye off the ball, and to see through the bullshit. You’re heroes and I hope this thread hopes somebody else one day too ❤️

Show quote history

Wow, you did well!! What did MIL say after all this? Did she look furious with him?

wrongthinker · 14/06/2025 00:41

Brilliant brilliant brilliant @EmmaThompsonsTears So proud of you (hope that's okay to say). You've stood up for yourself and your kids and it's so inspiring to hear you finding your voice. Anger is indeed a gift - keep stoking it and using it to get yourself clear of this waste of a man.

I expect he will become even more manipulative and cruel in days to come. He will try every tactic from love bombing you to threats. It's all just him wanting to win. Don't let him. Grey rock all the way and keep your eyes on the prize - your freedom.

We are here for you, cheering you on

youlied · 14/06/2025 00:45

OP you are owning this! See my post earlier you can and will get through this and be much happier as a result 💪🏻

0hs0tired · 14/06/2025 03:00

Well done @EmmaThompsonsTears. I'm so sorry that you're in this position, but I'm glad that your anger is helping you find clarity and not be squashed by this lying man. I hope you can have a decent co-parenting relationship with your STBXH. Very telling that he brought his mum in to help fight his corner. He knows he doesn't have a leg to stand on and is using her as a crutch.

WiddlinDiddlin · 14/06/2025 04:36

Hurrah, don't lose track of that anger - fire up legal option number 3 - that will take a while so get it going now.

Whilst you're at it, get Option 3's recommendations for a forensic accountant to make sure CuntyChops doesn't squirrel away the money!

Stay strong - he will say all sorts of shit, he will threaten to do and may even do, all sorts of shit - but he is NOT going to want to have the kids more than 50/50, and in fact 50/50 is highly unlikely for a long time to come. If he tries claiming he DOES want that, smile, tell him thats excellent, you're really looking forward to working more, boosting your career, going out more often...

That'll put a spanner in his works, he absolutely won't want that... you, having a LIFE?! Nah.

I hope his Mummy realises what a weaselly little shit he is - she probably won't admit it to you and even if she does she will back him, because thats her job - don't let that get you down!!

ThejoyofNC · 14/06/2025 05:51

Well done OP, you are going to be so glad you made this decision. If you need practical advice re the divorce feel free to start another thread as I've seen amazing advice on here before.

The absolute cheek of him to bring his fucking mummy to try and talk you round is unbelievable. You'll laugh about that one day.

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 14/06/2025 06:12

MrTumbleweed · 14/06/2025 00:35

I 100% bet he’s busy hiding his money while he’s putting this show on for you.

More than likely.

Op you are amazing. Keep using that anger.
You will get through all of this.

Horses7 · 14/06/2025 06:21

Good for you! Total respect! You will have a happier life.

Beaniebobbins · 14/06/2025 06:28

He got his mummy to come and tell you to play nice with him! He’s really showing his level of maturity now. Bloody hell.

Talk to option 3 about timing the filing for divorce. If there are any assets to be transferred there could be tax implications if this occurs after the divorce. The financial arrangement and childcare arrangement are the bits than can get complicated. The divorce itself gets all the headlines but it is an online form. You have a head start on him here as you already have an advisor.

Wishing calmer days ahead for you and your kids x

PlayDoh135 · 14/06/2025 06:46

💪🌟👑

Izz81 · 14/06/2025 06:56

Wow what an update!!! Honestly, it takes a lot of courage and strength just to do what you have done so far. Some of us go too long before admitting its done, just because the unknown and disruption is perceived as a significant risk…But many, many women do it and to say youre one of them is an amazingly proud achievement! I went far too long, you are doing exactly what I (and prob a good few others) should have done when in the same position! Youre amazing! You can do it for you and the kids. Coparent. Get the finances in order. Sort the house. Do what you got to do, but Im so proud of women who do what I should have done and was too scared to! Well done and I really am typing this with my eyes welling up, really well done!!!

LadyBracknellsHandbagg · 14/06/2025 06:56

@EmmaThompsonsTears You are a warrior woman, fighting for a better life for you and your children, I wish you every happiness.

Loubelou71 · 14/06/2025 07:13

Wow anger is a gift. I love that. Keep going. You're doing the thing.

pimplebum · 14/06/2025 07:21

If his mum is decent she will be encouraging her son to be kind and reasonable, I’d be mortified if my son behaved like this to his wife and whilst I’d always love and have my sons back I’d want to keep a positive relationship with my ex daughter in law

fingers crossed 🤞 she is like this but also be prepared for her being a version of him in a wig , he didn’t lick it up of the ground , the mental messing with you and coldness is a learnt behaviour

pimplebum · 14/06/2025 07:21

… and you are amazing keep going , I hope you got your good nights sleep x

CrazyGoatLady · 14/06/2025 07:31

EmmaThompsonsTears · 14/06/2025 00:18

Thank you @GiantSaucepan and thank you everyone for reminding me to stay angry.

everyorn’s right: he only confessed because OW threatened to tell me and their workplace.

DH and MIL showed up today and tried to convince me to not do anything in haste. I (wrongly) took that to mean “don’t divorce him” and “stop being angry because it’s creating a bad atmosphere for the kids” and “don’t put his career at risk because it won’t be good for you or the kids” and I absolutely LOST MY SHIT. Shouted at him about the audacity to ask me to be reasonable and not put his career at risk over HIS actions.
Yelled that it wasn’t even about the affair or the OW, it was about all the abuse he put me through, and I absolutely wanted MIL to hear all the details of that

Still, I told him if he wanted me to be reasonable he’d have to give me full access to his phone so I could go in with my eyes open. Because last time he begged to have me back, he was doing the exact same thing with OW behind my back, and I had to be aware so I wouldn’t fall for his manipulative shit again.
had a good look through his phone (lots of nauseating stuff which made it clear that the affair was very much instigated by him) and then someone finally asked ME what I want.
i said I want a good night’s sleep, and then I want to file for divorce. I want to sell the house and coparent here together until then, but I will never forgive him or I’d be a mug. And the kids would learn that that’s how you treat women.
meanwhile STBexH (delighted to be using that acronym!) promised to go to counselling and have a total personality transplant now he’s seen the error of his ways. I have next to no faith that this will happen, but hopefully he’ll be a better father just for having a bit of therapy and admitting fault.
the point is that I no longer know or care if he’s buttering me up and telling me what I want to hear in order to worm his way back into my good books - because we’re divorcing, and it doesn’t matter. All I can see ahead is freedom.
and then we had a very good chat about what i want re coparenting and the boundaries around that

ill say it again: hes done me a huge favor, doing this. I never would have left for just the abuse, because I internalised it so much and it was so insidious, it wasn’t easy to define as abuse. But cheating is impossible to internalise. The cheating made him irredeemably a prick. I inarguably deserve better. The end.

and I’ll say this again: anger is a gift. It showed me that someone was attempting to mess with my boundaries. It was right. I’m not out of the woods yet, but I WILL get what I want. And what I want, always, is what’s best for the kids.

thank you all for helping me not to take my eye off the ball, and to see through the bullshit. You’re heroes and I hope this thread hopes somebody else one day too ❤️

Show quote history

You are amazing 👏

How pathetic, turning up with his mother like that. And also how very dare he. Shows he isn't taking responsibility at all.

BustyLaRoux · 14/06/2025 07:32

EmmaThompsonsTears · 14/06/2025 00:18

Thank you @GiantSaucepan and thank you everyone for reminding me to stay angry.

everyorn’s right: he only confessed because OW threatened to tell me and their workplace.

DH and MIL showed up today and tried to convince me to not do anything in haste. I (wrongly) took that to mean “don’t divorce him” and “stop being angry because it’s creating a bad atmosphere for the kids” and “don’t put his career at risk because it won’t be good for you or the kids” and I absolutely LOST MY SHIT. Shouted at him about the audacity to ask me to be reasonable and not put his career at risk over HIS actions.
Yelled that it wasn’t even about the affair or the OW, it was about all the abuse he put me through, and I absolutely wanted MIL to hear all the details of that

Still, I told him if he wanted me to be reasonable he’d have to give me full access to his phone so I could go in with my eyes open. Because last time he begged to have me back, he was doing the exact same thing with OW behind my back, and I had to be aware so I wouldn’t fall for his manipulative shit again.
had a good look through his phone (lots of nauseating stuff which made it clear that the affair was very much instigated by him) and then someone finally asked ME what I want.
i said I want a good night’s sleep, and then I want to file for divorce. I want to sell the house and coparent here together until then, but I will never forgive him or I’d be a mug. And the kids would learn that that’s how you treat women.
meanwhile STBexH (delighted to be using that acronym!) promised to go to counselling and have a total personality transplant now he’s seen the error of his ways. I have next to no faith that this will happen, but hopefully he’ll be a better father just for having a bit of therapy and admitting fault.
the point is that I no longer know or care if he’s buttering me up and telling me what I want to hear in order to worm his way back into my good books - because we’re divorcing, and it doesn’t matter. All I can see ahead is freedom.
and then we had a very good chat about what i want re coparenting and the boundaries around that

ill say it again: hes done me a huge favor, doing this. I never would have left for just the abuse, because I internalised it so much and it was so insidious, it wasn’t easy to define as abuse. But cheating is impossible to internalise. The cheating made him irredeemably a prick. I inarguably deserve better. The end.

and I’ll say this again: anger is a gift. It showed me that someone was attempting to mess with my boundaries. It was right. I’m not out of the woods yet, but I WILL get what I want. And what I want, always, is what’s best for the kids.

thank you all for helping me not to take my eye off the ball, and to see through the bullshit. You’re heroes and I hope this thread hopes somebody else one day too ❤️

Show quote history

Cheering you for this!!!! Your new (infinitely better) life awaits!

NescafeAndIce · 14/06/2025 07:50

Good on you, OP! Weaselly arse.

I'm interested, when you say this:

DH and MIL showed up today and tried to convince me to not do anything in haste. I (wrongly) took that to mean “don’t divorce him” and “stop being angry because it’s creating a bad atmosphere for the kids” and “don’t put his career at risk because it won’t be good for you or the kids”

what was it they were actually scared you'd do, in haste?

OchreRaven · 14/06/2025 07:51

@EmmaThompsonsTears you are amazing. After everything he put you through he hasn’t broken you. You know who you are and what you deserve. He didn’t treat you as though you had worth because he’s selfish and it didn’t suit his narrative - not because you are not worthy of love, fidelity and respect.

He had everything but he needed the excitement of an ego boost as well as a settled happy family. When his family needed him to step up and show them who he was — he did. A weak man who needed to escape. He’s hurt his family and shaken the foundations of your lives. You should be angry!

Channel that anger to get the best outcome for you and the children. Don’t show him your emotions any longer as he doesn’t deserve them. Grey rock him. Don’t let him make this divorce a fight. Be reasonable but firm. He might not want it but he’s lost control now — of everything. That is what he is grieving. He doesn’t feel bad for what he is putting you through, because he’s watched you suffer for months without a shred of remorse. He’s devastated that the outcome of his actions are now impacting him. Remember that, when he’s on his best behaviour.

I’m glad your MIL was there to witness it all. He obviously thought that they could reason with you on his behalf. Remember that he will always be their son, and it’s in his and their interests for you to stay together. But hopefully they understand now that he has gone too far and will support you all in divorcing amicably. Ironically he shot himself in the foot as he is unable to control the narrative with them now they have heard the warts and all story. I’m sure he’s feeling thoroughly dejected. Don’t let his sadness affect you. Tell him to get therapy for his kids and hopefully he won’t make the same mistakes in future.

You have a future. A different one. Well done for realising that you would never forgive this level of hurt and betrayal. A clean break will allow you to heal. You have so much to look forward to, including falling in love again one day. Right now take care of yourself and get lots of peaceful sleep. ❤️

OchreRaven · 14/06/2025 08:02

Just to add. I would definitely be having a calm conversation with the OW. Just to make sure she knew he hadn’t ‘sorted it’ and wasn’t divorcing you. You are divorcing him. He can’t be allowed to get away with anymore lies.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 14/06/2025 08:06

You’re amazing OP. Well done I know it will have been hard. Did his mum say anything at all about what he’s done and the emotional abuse?!

YesHonestly · 14/06/2025 08:07

You are INCREDIBLE.

You will have wobbles, of course you will, but you know in your gut that you can’t forgive this. You’ve just taken the first step towards a much happier life for you and your children OP. Keep hold of that.

BIossomtoes · 14/06/2025 08:10

OchreRaven · 14/06/2025 08:02

Just to add. I would definitely be having a calm conversation with the OW. Just to make sure she knew he hadn’t ‘sorted it’ and wasn’t divorcing you. You are divorcing him. He can’t be allowed to get away with anymore lies.

It doesn’t matter what the now former OW thinks or believes. She’s a total irrelevance who just happened to be the catalyst for @EmmaThompsonsTears seeing the light. She’s got enough on her plate without worrying about some random woman she’s never met. Her Stbex’s lies and who believes them is no longer her concern.