DH Affair. How do I cope with family holiday?

[EmmaThompsonsTears]

New account in case outing.

I’ve just found out in the last 24 hours that my husband has been having an affair for the last 9 months at least.
2 DCs - 4 & 18m.

He doesn’t know I know. I plan to keep it that way so I can see a solicitor and sort out finances. But we leave for a family holiday tomorrow, and I feel like I’m going to explode.

How can I get through this week? Hand hold needed. Any advice welcome.

I’ve been lurking on these threads for a while and felt in my gut I was a victim of The Script. Checked his phone while he was asleep and I was right. Please help.

You’re a queen @youlied. I’d have loved to see his face on his return to an empty house. Priceless.

@youlied What an inspirational story! Shitty people getting their comeuppance is one of my favourite plots in novels so I love that it also happens in real life.

You sound amazing!

Please remember OP, this is your life to live how you want to.
Until everyone here has walked in your shoes, it really is only 'advice' being offered not the gospel path you should take. Most of us would say I'd kick him out if I ever caught him cheating but the reality is, it's much harder and more complicated than that.
Many of us need a 'grieving' period in the relationship once we've received such a horrendous blow before we say enough is enough. This might be days, weeks, months or even years before you decide its over and you want to move on. That's absolutely your perogative. Your husband might behave like the model husband he should have been during this reconciliation period but ultimately no matter how hard he tries, it might not be enough to repair the damage that has been done.
Take your time, do what feels right for you. You might want to try again just to see if you really can forgive and forget but ultimately it's OK if you do and it doesn't work out. You haven't wasted more months with him, you've just made sure the decision was right for YOU xx

@youlied - You are amazing.

My ExH had an affair when I was pregnant with our third child. I wanted to divorce him there and then. But I stupidly fell for his 'I'm so sorry', 'I really love you' act. We did counselling but it became clear that his heart wasn't in it.

Come my due date when I thought I was going into labour he wouldn't answer my phone calls. Turned out he was on a date with some young thing from the office. I knew he was on a date with her because after his first affair he gave me his work Blackberry as a show of trust, and I was able to read all their messages to each other. He left to be with her when our youngest child was 14wks old.

Best thing he ever did for me.

A year later, he and her were having some relationship problems. He made a half arsed suggestion that perhaps there could be a future for us (the CF). By then I'd met my now DP and had no intention of giving up THE best relationship I'd ever had.

I laugh now, because my ExH is still a complete nasty a-hole, and she has to put up with it rather than me. Enjoy it f*ckers 😂.

OP this man has shown you his true colours. He will do this again. Leave him before he reduces you to a withering mess. Your relationship will model what your children look for in future partners. You are strong, you will get through this, you will meet someone you treats you so much better than this tool. Please don’t buy his BS. He wants to make this work because OW doesn’t want him. You deserve so much better and I hope you realise this. No judge in the country will give him 100% or 50% custody. You are DC primary caregiver and that means a lot. He just knows how to push your buttons and the threat is more emotional abuse. Thinking of you and you are an incredible mother and all round superstar xxx

It’s ok to take some time and decide what you want to do. There is no rush to do anything.

Hi @EmmaThompsonsTears I hope all is going OK.

I won't repeat what others have said, it's a shitshow. However, does your employer have an employee helpline? If so I'd suggest 2 services - legal advice and counselling. Both will help you right now.

Sending a big hug. You and the DCs dont deserve what's happening. But you will get through it all and come out better for it xxx

Just remember how you felt when he was making you question your sanity to the point you had counselling to fix a marriage that you didn’t break.

Remember how it felt when he blamed you for everything, when he walked ahead of you on holiday, when he let your children see the contempt he holds for you. Remember that this is the relationship you are modelling for your children.

Someone in RL has either seen this thread and given him the heads up, or the OW has threatened to tell you everything. He has not confessed out of the goodness of his heart and he has not told you everything, only the bare minimum he can get away with.

He has had an affair, treated you like absolute shit, betrayed you in a million ways for months and managed to get you comforting him! He’s a sly fucker, isn’t he?

Don’t be fooled, his tears are only for him and what he stands to lose. He won’t change, he will cheat again, and you’ll have wasted more years of your precious life with this man.

I love this thread! It was posted two months before my ExH left for the OW (but I only saw it years later) it's so true and I wish that I had seen it at the time because it made everything make sense.

I really hope OP takes a look.

@SabreToothTigerLilyif I haven’t met your actual exH I’ve met his carbon copy. I worked with a guy who left his wife in the very same circumstances. If it’s any consolation he lost absolutely everyone’s respect at work and it totally stalled his career.

He swore at you in front of the children and told them you’d deliberately tried to hurt him. Putting the whole affair business aside, these things alone are a reason for you to want nothing more to do with him, and for you to consider how sensible it would be for him to have any unsupervised contact with them.

OM fucking GOD!!

He’s a psycho. A fucking evil piece of shit.

Im not sure you actually realise how bad he is and how much mental abuse you’ve been putting up with.

My dh would never, ever ever say/do any of the things youve mentioned.

I’ve not rtft yet, will keep reading….I only hope you really are resolute in The fact you are going to leave this piece of shit.

Well I suggest you catch up quick because it looks like she’s giving him a second chance!

Agree. You don’t have to rush into anything. You haven’t done anything wrong.

He was being emotionally abusive by withholding affection and making you feel it was your fault because you’d changed since you had children. BTW, on that, he clearly had unrealistic expectations. Of course women change when they’re pregnant/post-partum/bf! And of course most men and women change (to a certain extent) when they become parents. A big shift is to be expected and you both have to work at adapting and compromising.

If he’s no longer being abusive. Or indeed you no longer want his affection or care if you’ve changed in a way he doesn’t like (because you’re done with him) one option is to carry on living with him until you feel the time’s right for you and the kids.

It’s not for everyone, of course. It’s not a good idea if you struggle to set boundaries if he tries to be romantically/sexually affectionate. Or if you can’t mourn/get over it ending while living with him. And certainly not a good idea if you can’t cohabit without a terrible atmos, as that’d be awful for the kids as well as you.

But if you can shift to viewing him as a cohabiting coparent, rather than a husband or lover, (and it’s safe to do so) it may be possible to stay until you feel the time’s right. Do you have enough space to have separate bedrooms, so you both have your own space?

It’s not without risk. He could suddenly turn the tables out of the blue and start a divorce, say he wants the house sold or stitch you up financially (lose his job to claim maintenance from you, hide assets etc). That’s why when there’s been a betrayal of trust, most people want a clean break asap - as they can’t trust the other person to play fair.

But some people who aren’t interested in a new relationship can cohabit in relative harmony after the romantic relationship’s ended. In fact, that’s what some long-term marriages effectively become: friends rather than lovers.

Let's remember that this is OP's actual life, not a soap opera. Ending a marriage is messy and complex and she may need much more time to process what has happened.

Just to add, I work within the family courts. The decisions relating to the child arrangement order (spend time/ live with) are separate to the actual divorce. Given the domestic abuse that you have experienced (including psychological and gas lighting) you may be surprised that this would very much be assessed within the recommendations. Do not allow you husband to make you think otherwise

You could save yourself the likely years of hurt by chucking him now. He'll absolutely do it again. Maybe not with this OW, but there'll be another one daft enough to fall for his lies and flattery.

Hope you’re ok @EmmaThompsonsTears - sounds like the last 48 hours have been ALOT. After months and months of begging for basic kindness and affection it must feel like a poison challace that you can’t quite trust now he’s bestowing it on you. Take space to process it, take your time, trust yourself - you’ve proven yourself to be strong and capable when you’re not under his influence. Listen to your own head and heart and the wise counsel around you like your sister and trust you’ll make the right choice when you need to. But keep listening to those kick ass songs of rebellion to build you up 💪

OP he’s being all nicey nicey, as 1) the OW is pissed off about the family holiday and dumped him 2) you mentioned solicitors now he’s panicking 3) he’s worried you are going to take all ‘his’ money 4) it’s now looking likely that OW is out the window, so his safety net has gone, so now has to turn on the charm and talk darling wife round, as if not he’ll be in his own with no one to run around after him!! Don’t fall for the pathetic suicide talk either, all text book. Pls be strong OP. If you take him back he will revert to type at some point, and the whole circus will start again.

I agree. Why wait to see what he's planned? If you take control of your own happiness, you'll retain more self-respect and feel better.

Perhaps you're the type to try everything, so you're left in no doubt that the relationship couldn't be saved? I've been there and I absolutely get it. But based on what you've written, there's absolutely nothing worth saving. He's the type of father who's happy to upset his kids to make himself feel better about treating you badly. He's now using his kids as a weapon to prevent you from leaving.

He watched you walking on eggshells for ages, wondering what on earth you'd done wrong and desperate for him to show you love and affection again. Only for him to turn it on like a tap when the OW had left him and he didn't want you to leave too, showing that his affection is utterly meaningless.

OP, please re-read your posts and find your anger. You and your children deserve better. Then, go and meet the solicitor you chose. Consider counselling too, but not with him - he's a cheating, manipulative arse. Do it for yourself.

Thank you @GiantSaucepan and thank you everyone for reminding me to stay angry.

everyorn’s right: he only confessed because OW threatened to tell me and their workplace.

DH and MIL showed up today and tried to convince me to not do anything in haste. I (wrongly) took that to mean “don’t divorce him” and “stop being angry because it’s creating a bad atmosphere for the kids” and “don’t put his career at risk because it won’t be good for you or the kids” and I absolutely LOST MY SHIT. Shouted at him about the audacity to ask me to be reasonable and not put his career at risk over HIS actions.
Yelled that it wasn’t even about the affair or the OW, it was about all the abuse he put me through, and I absolutely wanted MIL to hear all the details of that

Still, I told him if he wanted me to be reasonable he’d have to give me full access to his phone so I could go in with my eyes open. Because last time he begged to have me back, he was doing the exact same thing with OW behind my back, and I had to be aware so I wouldn’t fall for his manipulative shit again.
had a good look through his phone (lots of nauseating stuff which made it clear that the affair was very much instigated by him) and then someone finally asked ME what I want.
i said I want a good night’s sleep, and then I want to file for divorce. I want to sell the house and coparent here together until then, but I will never forgive him or I’d be a mug. And the kids would learn that that’s how you treat women.
meanwhile STBexH (delighted to be using that acronym!) promised to go to counselling and have a total personality transplant now he’s seen the error of his ways. I have next to no faith that this will happen, but hopefully he’ll be a better father just for having a bit of therapy and admitting fault.
the point is that I no longer know or care if he’s buttering me up and telling me what I want to hear in order to worm his way back into my good books - because we’re divorcing, and it doesn’t matter. All I can see ahead is freedom.
and then we had a very good chat about what i want re coparenting and the boundaries around that

ill say it again: hes done me a huge favor, doing this. I never would have left for just the abuse, because I internalised it so much and it was so insidious, it wasn’t easy to define as abuse. But cheating is impossible to internalise. The cheating made him irredeemably a prick. I inarguably deserve better. The end.

and I’ll say this again: anger is a gift. It showed me that someone was attempting to mess with my boundaries. It was right. I’m not out of the woods yet, but I WILL get what I want. And what I want, always, is what’s best for the kids.

thank you all for helping me not to take my eye off the ball, and to see through the bullshit. You’re heroes and I hope this thread hopes somebody else one day too ❤️

I'm amazed at your strength and resolution. Well done xxx

@EmmaThompsonsTears I’m so sorry lovely - he’s a total twat -all for what I think was an ego boost / bit of a buzz

Noooo! This is not how this was supposed to go! This man is an abusive liar! They all threaten suicide. It’s just another manipulation tactic. You have seen with your own eyes that he has begged to make it work with her as soon as he thinks you’ve had enough. Let him go to her then tell her that he begged you not to leave him. You will all be better off without him. He won’t want custody and him saying he would fight for full custody after everything else he’s done to you is just disgusting. He’s pathetic and you deserve better.

Bloody hell OP, legendary!

Good for you. What an asshole he is. What did your MIL say?

How i wish I'd kicked my ex out when this happened to me. You've absolutely done the right thing.