DH Affair. How do I cope with family holiday?

[EmmaThompsonsTears]

New account in case outing.

I’ve just found out in the last 24 hours that my husband has been having an affair for the last 9 months at least.
2 DCs - 4 & 18m.

He doesn’t know I know. I plan to keep it that way so I can see a solicitor and sort out finances. But we leave for a family holiday tomorrow, and I feel like I’m going to explode.

How can I get through this week? Hand hold needed. Any advice welcome.

I’ve been lurking on these threads for a while and felt in my gut I was a victim of The Script. Checked his phone while he was asleep and I was right. Please help.

I know you are conflicted OP, but please remember how he has treated you in the last few months, he chose to do this, he chose to be a nasty shit to you, he chose to let you think it was you that was the problem, he chose to let you go to therapy to fix things and all the time it was HIM.

And the fact he told the OW he would fight for her is another nail in the coffin, he was throwing the line at both of you to see which one would bite.

He will do it again OP, believe in yourself and get rid.

OP, the things you have described about the way he would put you down, how he could find fault in everything, trying to turn your children against you...this will all come back once he knows he gotten away with it and is forgiven.

He is a bully. And when bullies are called out on their behavior, they often resort to crocodile tears. But he has already shown you that nothing has changed by threatening custody to scare you into compliance. He knows what buttons to press. He knows how to be mean. He is mean.

I also think it is one of the most common things for men to do. Threatening to take the children is pretty much their only bargaining chip. It's just words, not reality.

He can say all he wants regarding the children, but the law is what matters in the end. Courts do not respond kindly to a parent who speaks ill of the other to the children, so I would document everything you can ever remember him saying to the kids that painted you in an unfair and negative light as this wasn't just him trying to hurt you, it was him actively and purposefully hurting his children.

If the custody is the main concern, I'd speak with the solicitors about this and hear what they have to say about his threats. Trust me, they've heard them before...

Yes, this sentence at 20.01 yesterday confuses me:

“And actually, I made him show me his messages - he was trying to crawl back into her good books after I told him we’d be divorcing.”

And that was before he’d confessed?

I think that sentence has confused a fair few posters - I personally read it that her husband was messaging the OW AFTER the OP said she wanted a divorce.

OP, what happened last night which left you confused - it sounds a bit like trauma bonding. I'm sure he is suffering, but it's because of his own actions, and he is accountable.

An awful story but you sound amazing.

OP re read your firsts posts on this thread and find your anger and determination again. He is not worthy.

I stayed.
Emotionly it harder than than leaving.
The old relationship has gone. I am sad for the lost trust & innocence of that relationship.
Make sure he bloody works for it & shows you everyday he loves you & the family.

I stayed too, for another 10 years while I waited for the kids to grow up a bit more. You never feel the same and I pretty much hated him by the end. I would not advise anyone to stay when the DH is abusive too.

I think some people, especially women, have to feel they done 100% of everything before pulling the plug on a relationship.

I stayed for 3 years after I found out about my dh emotional affair (found out at a later date it was physical, which was a bit of a double whammy). But at least when I left him, I did it with no regrets and without a second glance.

The problem with doing it this way is that you are potentially signing up for years of shit treatment (as they think you’ll stay regardless of what they do), years of distrust, years of feeling like an fbi investigator, years of constantly being triggered by dates and events, anniversaries not being what they once were etc. Looking back I can’t believe I stayed for so long, I never thought I’d be one of those women who tried to forgive and forget an affair, but I did. Well I did, until I didn’t. But when I left I was elated, I never cried and I’ve never once regretted or questioned my decision. Maybe this is what you need to do op for your own sanity.

So true.

@EmmaThompsonsTears i am very shocked at your update . In no way did I think you would consider staying with him .
OP you deserve better . He thinks he can treat you like crap because he was pining to be with OW and you were the reason stopping that. OW angry so he feels sory for himself and goes looking for his security blanket . The one he can step all over and leave to the side until he needs it.
No chance .
He will do it again .

You’ve probably been told this (not read the whole thread), but this ‘D’H sounds like he’s got hold of the husband having the affair playbook. There are actual websites telling men how to pay the least in a divorce (scum). One strategy is to ask for 3 nights per week custody. If the F foes this, he doesn’t pay any maintenance. He might not to want to, but be prepared.

DH immediately turned back and started criticising (“why did you do that?”) scooped up 4yo DC and told him “mummy tripped you up didn’t she?” multiple times.

A friends ‘D’H did this to their son from age 4 onwards, always criticising the M and setting her up. It was to poison the boy against her. I see people advising you to take the high ground. Just be careful. I’m not saying badmouth him as he’ll throw parental alienation against you quick as a flash, but be prepared for him to keep using those tactics. In one friend’s case, the DS came around to seeing his F for what he was but in another instance the M sees neither of her DSs despite being a fantastic M.

Why so many men need to destroy their wives when it’s them that had the affair is beyond me.

FFS, please don't waste your life with this person.

I totally agree with this. I put up with exdh messaging women, posting for no strings sex for years and years. Probably our entire 20 yr marriage. I kept forgiving him, I had no proof he'd done anything apart from messages and accounts on swingers websites. I found he did at least go to meet one women but he said he changed his mind and came back. I had several threads on here over the yrs but just couldn't bring myself to implode my life and that of the kids. Then 3 yrs ago he just met someone and started an affair and walked out on us. In the lead up to this he'd been trying to make out i was bi-polar and a monster but he'd been planning it before he even met the AP and spreading lies about me to his family leaving out the fact he'd messed around on me for yrs. I do wish I'd kicked him out 10 yrs earlier as he never did change. Just got worse. Divorce has been wonderful and I'm loving no longer having to be detective.

I often think about Gingerloaf and wonder how she is getting on. She’s a legend!!!

Absolutely 100% this

Pretend to be ill

This sounds like a terrible situation OP & I feel so sorry for what you have been through in the past 9 months. Strangely I feel it's.the treatment of you to justify the affair that is worse than the actual affair itself.

I'm interested in the fact before you were aware the OW didn't realise he was a married man with children (or did she)you were willing to put all the blame on your DH. I could never be so forgiving to the OW & would see them equally to blame for potentially destroying a family. I gather you are trying to work things out with your DH. Communication & honesty about what has been lacking in your marriage will be key if you have any hope of survival as a couple with children who also need to be taken into account within this debacle. I wish you all the very best.

Fucking hell @EmmaThompsonsTears - you’re staying with him!??? Have I read that correctly?!

🚩 gaslighting you for almost a year
🚩 manipulative and abusive behaviour towards you and your children
🚩 months of deception
🚩 threatening suicide to get what he wants
🚩 threatening to fight you in court if you try and divorce him
🚩 happily wank-fucking and future faking another women for months, whilst blaming you for relationship problems

I could go on..

What on earth could possess you to stay with this utter piece of shit for another hour, let along indefinitely.

He very clearly has shown you what he’s capable of. Do you not believe it?

One of those threads that stay with you.
Would love to know how Christmas panned out and how she is now.
She was one cool customer.

She was so classy the whole way through

Op what has changed to make you change your mind? He still treated you like that. You were going strong for divorce? I’m hoping a bit of short term affection hasn’t blurred your good judgement?

@EmmaThompsonsTears I rather think OP she threatned to contact you as I suspect he told a few porkies - I think that’s why he confessed

I went through hell when I discovered my ExH's affair.

I never thought he would ever do this to me. I always thought we had a loving, respectful marriage until he met this (younger) woman at work. He began messaging her a number of times every day and weekends. and then this developed into calling her to and from work every day. I became suspicious and looked at the phone bill to discover this. I confronted him over this and he began using WhatsApp instead. I would see him online at all times of the day and night.

Then came the textbook "Script" behaviour, shouting at me over silly things, accusing me of all sorts, making out I was paranoid. He even became physically aggressive, shoving me and launching my car keys at my head because I had parked in the driveway. I went covert and looked at his laptop whilst he was at work. I discovered that he had ordered a framed copy of one of our Wedding Poems, "Scaffolding". He had bought it for her for Christmas, thinking that as they both worked in Construction, it would look like he was romantic! (He wasn't very bright!). But who the hell gifts someone their wedding poem!! He arranged to have this delivered to his parents, which is what made me suspicious, as gifts for me had always turned up at the house. He was even chasing it up before Christmas. He was also arriving home with silly, inappropriate gifts in his workbag.

We had a holiday booked for Christmas and we went on it, he didn't want to go as he didn't want to be away from her. It was awful, it was like there was this awful atmosphere, and he kept disappearing off with his phone to call her on WhatsApp.

When we landed, he immediately called her. it was vile.

I had to leave the home as his parents owned the house, it took 6 months before I left, and his behaviour very nearly broke me. It was all my fault, I didn't keep the house tidy, I had gained weight, I didn't work hard enough (I was the breadwinner working long hours), I was thick (I'm a Graduate)

I wrote to his Mum and told her about her Son's shitty behaviour, she sided with him and became very aggressive towards me turning up at the house at all hours being abusive to me.

I won in the end, though.

Firstly, whilst going through the shittiest six months of my life ever I would regularly run his toothbrush under the rim of the toilet! (I would snigger about this)

Secondly. I wrote an anonymous email to his employer informing his line manager of the fact that they were carrying on, and they were separated shortly after!

Thirdly. I was determined to conduct myself with dignity. I sent one text to the OW. With a picture of our Wedding Poem, saying 'had she seen this,' along with the explanation of how I gifted it to my Husband on our Wedding day. (Nothing screams romance like being given a gift that was something given by your boyfriend's Wife!!). I also explained the true meaning behind the poem!

Fourth. I took everything from the home that I had paid for. Which left him with an old dining room table, and a Sky box (No TV). I even took the plates, cutlery, white goods, everything. I had paid for it, and there was no way he was keeping it. He was left with nothing.

Fifth. I left the house a day earlier than planned as his Mother wanted to be there. She loved confrontation and aggression. I therefore denied her this opportunity. He was at work, I wished I could have seen the expression and anger when he arrived home to an empty house devoid of any furniture !!!!

I'm three years on from it all now. I'm much happier, have my own house, my beloved dogs, even though he tried his utmost to keep one of them and even tried to buy him from me. (That was never going to happen. The house I left, owned by his Mother, was a shack; it needed so much doing to it, holes in the ceiling, a 1960's kitchen, and she refused to do any work on it despite taking rent off us every month. My new home is lovely, modern and somewhere where I'm proud to show people around. I've nearly finished another degree, which I am studying for part-time time and am an expert in my field professionally.

It does get easier. As for him, well, she's welcome to him I don't know if they're still together but she was much younger. I am hoping he's a 55 year-old Dad. With a very small pension and having to do physical work into his 70's to provide! We never had children, thankfully.

Looking back, I'm glad I didn't go guns blazing with the OW, she has to live with what she's done and for that there is karma.

Take time for you.

Good point.