DH Affair. How do I cope with family holiday?

[EmmaThompsonsTears]

New account in case outing.

I’ve just found out in the last 24 hours that my husband has been having an affair for the last 9 months at least.
2 DCs - 4 & 18m.

He doesn’t know I know. I plan to keep it that way so I can see a solicitor and sort out finances. But we leave for a family holiday tomorrow, and I feel like I’m going to explode.

How can I get through this week? Hand hold needed. Any advice welcome.

I’ve been lurking on these threads for a while and felt in my gut I was a victim of The Script. Checked his phone while he was asleep and I was right. Please help.

Agreed. The custody comment would be enough for me.

It's up to the OP, of course, but in her place I'd play nice whilst getting my ducks in a row and then file for divorce.

Hi,

I believe one of your posts said you had a message written out for OW. So I presume you have her number. Call her and get her version. 2 sides to every story and see if it matches what hes told you.

I've been following this for weeks and did not feel the need to comment, as there was a lot of wise advice, that you were clearly taking.

He's actually worse than I thought he was

His ability to get you back on side with a cuddle and some crocodile tears shows that the psychological damage he has wreaked upon you is actually worse that you think. You're his doormat and he knows it.

You need your sister in your house right now. You need to carry on with the therapy for longer than the 6 weeks you had left. He has done a real number on your mind.

Hmm.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/1527705-Midlife-crisis-this-is-the-script

here you go - the script.

Cheats are very dull, don’t share it with him, just use it as a cheat sheet to know what he’ll do next.

In my world you get 100 points and a gold star for ‘bad mum’ 250 for ‘mentally unstable’. It’s best to expect these to be thrown at you collect the stars and reward yourself.

Im sorry you are here op. I honestly hoped you would serve him prior to him confessing - he’ll be flopping around like a fish on your carpet, wailing and crying before you know it. Before telling you how awful you are how it’s all your fault.

Please reread my previous post where I explain it’s his personality flaws.

Nothing you do could make him cheat. Nothing. To cheat you betray yourself first.

There’s every possibility that she going to also take holiday and stay nearby. I used to hear a lot of this sort when I worked in male dominated business. They’d have mistress stay nearby, then need to out to get something urgent laptop charger, go for a long run (got lost!), but really meet her at her hotel or Airbnb. They exchange clever deceptions with each other so they can all do same.
I was surprised to learn that the even the most ugly hideous unpleasant vile men somehow get mistresses.

These fucking men...He's not going to kill himself

And actually, I made him show me his messages - he was trying to crawl back into her good books after I told him we’d be divorcing. He even told her HE’D sorted it, and he wanted to fight for her - which is exactly what he said to me.

So he's playing you off against each other to see which of you he can mnaipulate into taking him back. Or playing sides to middle, as my granny would have said.

He was never going to end it. But he got your attention and kindness and support and thought that would turn into feeling sorry for him and remembering that you loved him before and it would all come flooding back and you'd (he'd) be fine.

Don't fall for it OP. SHL3 is still there waiting for your call.

After she's found him 'grey looking' and forced him to confess, then she told him she'd been seeing solicitors. That's when he turned on the waterworks and the manipulation. Saying he didn't see the point in going on.

(Except to see whenther OP or OW could be talked round into taking him back.)

Yep, mine said he wanted to kill himself as well. It's all in the script. Don't believe it. He just doesn't want you to have half of everything. Or on his own now the OW has dumped him. Divorce the twat. Keep your self respect.

This too. It destroyed my self esteem, had me paranoid all the time. It was awful, I got so ill. No way to live. I got sucked in as I was told that we could go back to the way things were. Safe and familiar. But it wasn't.

he was trying to crawl back into her good books after I told him we’d be divorcing. He even told her HE’D sorted it, and he wanted to fight for her - which is exactly what he said to me.

This is the truth, surely? He is just trying to secure one of you by saying the same thing to both. Sorry, OP, it all seems like an act to get what he wants.

This isn't a remorseful man at all.

He ran to OW when got mentioned divorce. Telling her sweet nothings. He confessed because he was backed into a corner.

Then he says he'll get nasty to fight for custody.

People do have affairs.
Marriages do survive... but he's not remorseful.

Also, threats of suicide and any other forms of self harm is all part of the script.

Brilliant - yes coats! What a legend.. I spent an hour trying to find those threads!

Isn’t what happened with you and him laughing and cuddling called trauma bonding? Be careful OP. You’re extremely vulnerable right now.

The fact that it took the OW giving him the elbow for him to give you a cuddle

Also this, as a pp said.

So did he have an opportunity to contact her after you told him today you'd been seriously thinking of divorcing?

I suspect the OW has somehow seen this thread and recognised herself, the. Confronted your DH about having a wife (or something along those lines).

Fucking hell, you’ve got this far - finish him

Don’t let him worm his way back in, he has treated you like shit. He will continue to treat you like shit

Stay strong, change is in your hands 🙌

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5186498-no-longer-blindsided-by-h?page=1

The OP here is a great inspiration and full of useful info. These’s a second thread too.
Wish you well

OP what a headspin he is providing. Do not lose your sense of who you are and your righteous anger. Ask him to leave and give you some space to think clearly.

People are getting so unpleasantly excited for this thread. It’s depressing. OP, if you want to try and work things out with him don’t let people on here stop you. It’s all up to you.

Well he got away with that quickly.
You deserve to be treated so much better. He obviously won't stay faithful. If not this woman then another.
If you stay with him you are just showing you will put up with it.

he was trying to crawl back into her good books after I told him we’d be divorcing. He even told her HE’D sorted it, and he wanted to fight for her - which is exactly what he said to me.

So he hedges his bets and sees who it works on first. That’s who he’ll
go with. He’s a waste of space. He may fight for the kids but will he want to actually look after them a minimum of 50:50, let alone more?