Random Message DH Affair Part2

[basilbush]

Hi all

Link to previous thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5344952-random-message-saying-dh-affair?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

TLDR: I got a WhatsApp telling me DH (by name) was having an affair. The ‘proof’ was very suspect and I didn’t believe it. Went through it all with DH who denies it all and the messages turned to some insults.
We believed it was someone with malicious intent.

Im sorry I didn’t start a thread straight away-I didn’t want to start one and then not have the time to keep it up to date as yesterday was really busy. So some progress has been made:
-After being super certain the baby shower wasn’t put online I’ve discounted the woman from work. I’ve also found out that she’s moved back to her home country on the other side of the world so unlikely.
-I know people were unsure why I thought my college friend was the link. Essentially one of the insults I got sent was quite personal and about something I used to be quite insecure of when I was younger (not so much now) and college friend was aware of it.

I was still fairly certain it isn’t FROM her as I just can’t square that off but it seems to be too much of a coincidence that she was at the baby shower, has access to me online and knows about this thing.

We told PIL everything when they dropped kids off yesterday and DH said that he was supposedly with this woman that time I was at the baby shower-they completely backed him up that he was with them the whole time and couldn’t believe someone could be so vindictive. I felt bad we told them as they were quite upset about it all.

Back to college friend. We decided yesterday morning to follow Colleen’s lead and I posted a Facebook status viewable just to her along the lines of ‘absolutely devastated. Nearly 20 years only to be betrayed-anyone know a good solicitor?’ (Note, I would never normally share something so private!!).

We figured if it was her, I’d get a WhatsApp message mocking me or full of smugness. We could see she’d be been online lots through the day but we didn’t get anything from the number.

Then this morning I get a WhatsApp from her (using the number she used in the baby shower group) saying she’d seen my status, was so sorry and wondered if I was around for a catch up as she’s a bit worried about a few things and needs to talk to me.

Ive obviously tried to ask questions but she’s just asked if we could meet. We’ve got a few kids activities this morning but I’m meeting her at 2 for a drink and to see what she has to say.

Sorry, that was really long! And please don’t worry, this hasn’t completely taken over our weekend-we took kids to soft play party, had a nice bbq and this morning are going swimming. But I’m determined to find out what this is all about.

Personally I think when you read advice suggesting ' prove it ' it changed for you.
then that became a challenge.
and your thoughts changed.

I think you’re probably right. As soon as I got sent the ‘proof’ I knew in my absolutely heart it was rubbish and it then became a case of finding out who was behind it

actually I think when you said ' prove it ', you changed and realised this was something you could challenge / investigate / not believe

rather than bursting into floods of tears and accepting the ' news '

obiv if the ' proof ' had been genuine, then yes you would have been on here in floods of tears.

Some of us have social media set to private. You could find me on FB, but my profile and photos would be off limits to you.

Grr - what is it with this thread and updates? Is it a glitch? I click on the notification, it (eventually) goes to OP's latest post and then immediately scrolls to the end of the thread. It's only this thread that does it - I reckon EI has jinxed it. 😠

OP just a last word of advice please change your username after this thread finishes.

Stalker ex now knows your mumsnet username (hopefully you don't use this username anywhere else) and although she has admitted trying to destroy your marriage and promised to stop, if she is unhinged she might still try to give you a bit of a stalk in the future and escalate again, (or even just troll your mumsnet posts, I did wonder if some of the posters trying to pull your story apart was the stalker ex)

My take on the meet up between CF and EL is that they are good social friends. CF couldn’t wait to spill the gossip that she’d met OP at a baby shower and shown her photos. They probably had a good look at OPs Facebook site to check out how her DH was looking 20yrs on and EL took the opportunity to download OPs contact details. Easy to quickly take a photo while CF was in the loo.

EL may or may not have become over invested, I suspect this comment was to deflect any blame or involvement from CF.

Then EL later went into full stalker mode. The fact she knew about OP’s DH’s day when OP was at the baby shower suggests CF was a little more complicit than she is admitting. I think they may have had a long, possibly bitchy conversation. Remember she is friends with EL and only an old acquaintance of OP’s.

It’s easy to see how it all spiralled. And the old saying “what other people think or say about you is none of your business” applies here. If EL had not acted on the information OP would be blissfully unaware of their chat. CF is probably mortified that her idle gossip has drawn her into the situation.

My own experience of mentally unstable women taught me to avoid getting involved with relationship issues unless it’s my DSis. She’s actually the only person I would confide anything with and we have at times stopped each other making fools of ourselves.

My ds has a very responsible job, is well educated and very articulate yet for some reason she uses awful text speak (she’s in her 60s). God knows why because I answer back in normal English.

Not difficult to make out someone’s face at all in that set up. I was imagining you with a whole cream pie on your face 😁

@bluesinthenight it is entirely plausible

To a far lesser extent then OP, sadly some women do just genuinely lose their mind and sense of respect when they want something someone else has. Especially when it's out of reach for them
I've gone through it recently myself.

DH and I have been together for over 25 years. DH is a good listener, and empathetic to his core, he is far too polite to leave however awkward the conversation.

I run a pub and there are two businesses that run alongside it, which help our core business. One works like a dream and causes me nothing but an increase in takings (and I get fed very well!). The other became a bit of a nuisance but has since taken input from me and is doing better

When they first started though they employed a young lady who was a pain in the arse for all concerned. Lazy, rude and just not nice to be around.

Had a bunch of sob stories which I soon thought were a fabrication but DH felt sorry for her and listened, tried to give her advice and was kind.

I then had comments made from locals about rumours she started that she and DH had engaged in an affair. To be blunt, we run the business solo, we work every day from midday until midnight, sometimes 1.30am, and most days we are downstairs prepping from 10am or at the very least doing admin. We get very little sleep so when he would've fitted in this affair and rampant shagging with a sprightly 25 year old when he is late 50s well, I'd have been impressed.

When I asked her she denied all knowledge.
Turned out she had form and had been sacked twice before, as her life was such a mess (self inflicted) she used to try and mimic someone else's. Why she would want to mimic mine when I'm a knackered, overweight, menopausal and frazzled woman in my mind 40s I've no idea.
What upset me was it went round everywhere and the sympathetic looks I got. Luckily it calmed down quite quickly.

She was sacked by her boss because he said she was a bloody nuisance and the reviews they received were dreadful when she was working, so good luck to whoever she decides to cause crap for next.

It's soul destroying, because it's so potentially explosive, and frankly rather than exercise sick fantasies and lies they should give their head a wobble and work out why their life is a veritable dumpster fire. No doubt it's just easier to blame others!

You're very welcome.

I don’t think someone would necessarily avoid weddings because of going through a divorce .

I would imagine that seeing OP would definitely be a trigger. I’m sure that as her marriage has just ended , she wanted children but it didn’t happen and now she likely feels like all is lost , that she’s going to think back on her life and how she got in this situation- with that it’s completely reasonable to think that she has thought about a serious relationship she had when she was young - where she was ready to settle down and then was told after 4 years ( I think it was 4? ) that they weren’t ready - and think of what could have been and then become irrationally angry that he then went on to marry and have children not longer after and her to think “ why didn’t I get that “ or “ that could have been me , I could have been the wife with the kids “ .

In terms of the language used - 20 years ago it wouldn’t have been texting how she mainly communicated with OPs DH , so she wouldn’t really know how he texts and words like “ bae “ weren’t even around then, so she’s clearly just tried to imagine how someone might message someone they were having an affair with ? Also - seems quite clear that she may have had a few wines when she did it so on top of being a bit emotionally unstable she was likely also drunk.

I don’t know why people are trying to find holes in the story - yes , it’s unbelievable because it’s WILD … but I think it would be more unbelievable that someone could actually make all this up !

Ugh I've just caught up. I'm so glad you uncovered it all. I've been the recipient of anonymous spiteful (different subject matter however as I was single) and it's very unnerving wondering who is coming for you and why.

It is weird though what people give away if you pay attention.

This woman used an abbreviation of my name that directed me to a particular group of friends I spent a lot of time with at a period of my life. I could tell she hadn't seen me IRL in at least ten years as she was mistaken about my line of work (and she was threatening professional embarrassment) but was getting the wrong info online.

She actually wasn't anyone I knew but she had been involved with a man earlier that year who then pursued me. Very very odd. He and I never even became anything serious. I have an unusual name and she had presumably made the connection as we were both linked to this same group of people from years back. I didn't remember her and she would have only known me to see.

Like you OP I felt sorry for her as it obviously looked to her like I lived a charmed life but actually I was navigating some awful life challenges privately.

😂😂😂

If she has fertility issues I would think Mumsnet is the very last place she’d be on

There are fertility support boards you know? Not to mention AIBU or the relationship board.

Just because the site is called mumsnet, doesn’t mean it’s only mum’s on it 🤨

Wow, mystery solved! I reckon you should contact her confirming none of this was at all convincing, you know the full story of it now and if she doesn't contact you again, you will not be calling the police. But you will be keeping record of her messages as evidence should she contact you again, at which point you will be contacting the authorities about harrassment.

There are plenty of us without kids on MN.

This has been covered a million times 🙄

I don’t think I’d be letting her off the hook with the police

What would the police do?? I have never heard of the police speaking to someone over a text. I’m fairly new to mumsnet but the majority of posters are obsessed with the police dealing with this. It’s like I’m in an alternate reality where the police won’t even attend a house being ransacked and your car stolen.

I know. That's why I said she doesn't seem that close her. Thanks.

It’s not so much the messages but the defamation and intent to cause harm that’s the issue from my point of view- but others maybe have a different perspective. Also I think if someone out of the blue was quick thinking enough to find the number and then act on it in the space of three minutes it’s the potential for impulsive actions with consequences for the future. And for those questioning it the phone was unlocked it would take 20 secs if that to go - wassap- baby shower group- list of participants. I’m guessing although I may be wrong El likes a drink- would explain ridiculous language too, she’s maybe picked up younger sounding lingo from pupils and thought that would mask who it is and imply it’s someone younger- or at the risk of OP not believing ‘teenagers messing around’. Which was considered in part 1.

It does seem the situation is resolved though- hopefully El will just back off now she’s been caught. Tbh as long as Op and her husband are satisfied with the outcome that’s the main thing and shes handled it so well. It’s just a stark reminder of how not everyone you meet wants the best for you.

But you can’t be prosecuted for having the potential to do something. She has the potential to do nothing or the potential to be a maniac. In equal measure.

What she did was terrible but the belief that the police will act upon a nasty text is so unbelievably naive and not reality.

She could be sued for defamation though - it is probably more a civil matter I agree and probably not worth pursuing if no damage done. But quite often when people feel threatened by an individual they log it with police as if there are subsequent issues logging each time builds a picture. It’s the harassment that was the issue. As I say though would all behave differently in different situations - and might even think we’d behave a certain way and then not in the same situation.

It's not defamation as it's a private communication, not a public statement. It might be a malicious communication, perhaps.