Random Message DH Affair Part2

[basilbush]

Hi all

Link to previous thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5344952-random-message-saying-dh-affair?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

TLDR: I got a WhatsApp telling me DH (by name) was having an affair. The ‘proof’ was very suspect and I didn’t believe it. Went through it all with DH who denies it all and the messages turned to some insults.
We believed it was someone with malicious intent.

Im sorry I didn’t start a thread straight away-I didn’t want to start one and then not have the time to keep it up to date as yesterday was really busy. So some progress has been made:
-After being super certain the baby shower wasn’t put online I’ve discounted the woman from work. I’ve also found out that she’s moved back to her home country on the other side of the world so unlikely.
-I know people were unsure why I thought my college friend was the link. Essentially one of the insults I got sent was quite personal and about something I used to be quite insecure of when I was younger (not so much now) and college friend was aware of it.

I was still fairly certain it isn’t FROM her as I just can’t square that off but it seems to be too much of a coincidence that she was at the baby shower, has access to me online and knows about this thing.

We told PIL everything when they dropped kids off yesterday and DH said that he was supposedly with this woman that time I was at the baby shower-they completely backed him up that he was with them the whole time and couldn’t believe someone could be so vindictive. I felt bad we told them as they were quite upset about it all.

Back to college friend. We decided yesterday morning to follow Colleen’s lead and I posted a Facebook status viewable just to her along the lines of ‘absolutely devastated. Nearly 20 years only to be betrayed-anyone know a good solicitor?’ (Note, I would never normally share something so private!!).

We figured if it was her, I’d get a WhatsApp message mocking me or full of smugness. We could see she’d be been online lots through the day but we didn’t get anything from the number.

Then this morning I get a WhatsApp from her (using the number she used in the baby shower group) saying she’d seen my status, was so sorry and wondered if I was around for a catch up as she’s a bit worried about a few things and needs to talk to me.

Ive obviously tried to ask questions but she’s just asked if we could meet. We’ve got a few kids activities this morning but I’m meeting her at 2 for a drink and to see what she has to say.

Sorry, that was really long! And please don’t worry, this hasn’t completely taken over our weekend-we took kids to soft play party, had a nice bbq and this morning are going swimming. But I’m determined to find out what this is all about.

Do you think CF has given her the headsup given that you got an apology-of-sorts message? I think she must've done.

i don't know why people are obsessing over what went on between CF and El like the OP has definitive answers, all OP has is CF's account of that interaction/conversation.

If you're using CF's account of events to be the reason you find the whole story untrue, you need to give your head a wobble.

OP can only verify the bits she she A) Told, and B) there for/did herself.

CF is quite likely bullshitting OP on exactly what went on in that conversation to make herself look better and because she feels highly guilty.

I said that but OP said she mentioned something veer specific in her apology that was only mentioned on this thread which CF doesn’t know about.

The stories I have read on this thread of every single person who has posted their experiences with "unhinged" exes sounds plausible to me.

I can't help that I find that my experience of op's thread somewhat different to those. Op's explanations don't clear up the anomalies. This is not malicious on my part. It's just my experience. And, like others on here, I'm invested now. Or was when the thread started.

It is so interesting that El, who is so "unhinged" by the end of her marriage and the end of her potential for children, is absolutely OK about going to someone else's wedding and isn't at all triggered by that. So much so that she blithely asks for fashion advice from CF. However, a picture of op sends her over the edge. Surely if a person is unhinged it doesn't come out of the blue like that?

El is an interesting woman because she used to work at the same company as OP, but went on to retrain as a teacher. However, she uses words like "bae" and "nite". I wonder why she does that. DH doesn't use language like that, so either he used to when El dated him, otherwise why would she use language like that if she once dated him? Perhaps she is trying to disguise herself? In which case why does op say it is significant that DH doesn't use that kind of language?

El apparently once "borderline" stalked a man, according to CF. I don't quite know what it means to borderline stalk someone. She either has form for what she has done to DH or she hasn't.

I wonder why Op thinks that CF hasn't read the thread. All very strange.

I don't disagree. My DH's ex-wife has more than a few screws loose, but we're not allowed to say it, because it's not her fault, it was obviously him that either made her crazy or he's lying.

Good points. Yes, there's definitely a lot of projection going on - El projecting her angst onto the OP.

I'm also not condoning what El has done, but I've noticed a pattern with women who are manipulative and resentful - I think as women we are often not taught to be assertive; we're not taught how to get our needs met in healthy ways. (Or when we do try, it doesn't work, especially with men, perhaps because women's needs are less respected/prioritised.) So many women learn to get their needs met indirectly via dishonesty and manipulation. Again, I'm not blaming the victims nor am I condoning manipulative, deceptive behaviour; I just think this may be the reason some women behave this way, and it's sad.

Yes but CF still could given her the headsup that she might get a message or that the OP here now knew the truth.

EL is a teacher who was dating the OPs DH. It's the OP and her DH who used to work at the same company. EL came along for drinks as his girlfriend on the Fridays (Is how I read it.)

I can see how EL might have gotten a vibe at the time that her boyfriend (the OPs now DH) had a connection with this woman from work which maybe the OP and her now DH were oblivious to (how they appeared to others.) As I said upthread - maybe a bit of mentionitis (that the OP wasn't aware of etc)

It sounds like EL never really believed there wasn't overlap. This was a thing for her.

I must admit if I'd broken up with someone after a six year relationship and six months later he was with a woman from work that been out with I might tell myself the same too.

This is why going to a random wedding wouldn't be triggering but the OP might be.

It is possible, yes. But the way this story has unfolded, with OP's intermittent and intriguing updates, has created intense engagement with the thread. The mystery has got people's minds working and questioning. That's completely natural. Many posters have expressed how invested they are in the story. Yes, it's real life and we should support OP, but OP has been writing her updates in a highly engaging and upbeat style; they are hardly the words of a person who is deeply distressed.

You can't throw an mysterious whodunnit onto the internet and regularly advance the plot with twists and turns and expect people to be passive about it. OP has said she is finding the nitpicking quite amusing, rather than upsetting. The tone of the thread has been one of intrigue and mystery, with people coming up with their own theories and using their critical thinking abilities to understand the plot, motivations of the characters, etc. It's human nature.

CF doesn't have children. EL has been trying so it would make sense she'd be on here. (It still puzzles me why someone w/o kids would be on here so I'd be more surprised if CF had seen it.)

I agree. For me the mismatch between the awful events and the style of writing (lighthearted and playful at times) was interesting. The style of posting didn't always match the emotions that OP was feeling. At times it comes over as if the emphasis is making it an engaging read ( well done- you did !) rather than the distress that was in the first thread.

This was written as a 'whodunnit' by setting a trap for the friend on social media very early on.

Anything written as a whodunnit is bound to have readers scrutinising the events very closely. And this is not troll hunting- it's how people's minds work when presented with a conundrum.

You're a legend OP. Handled this insane situation like a champ 👏

Well I have absolutely no idea if this is genuine or not as, unless blatantly obvious, I usually take threads as genuine. The one thing I do have a query with (because there is too much to read through) is, how well acquainted were El and OP for El to hone in on her on the photo?

I haven’t seen any jump the shark’ moments so at the moment I am leaning to believing it but will stay open minded.

So many women on here do not have children. Many threads are about relationships, feminism, fashion etc.

I agree. Many years ago, I had a colleague who was rather unhinged. I'll not merail, but she was rather nasty to me after pretending to be a friend and was violent towards someone else.

She finished up on the front page of a Scottish newspaper after being struck off the teaching register. (By then, we were in different schools.)

After it was all done and dusted, I discovered that her behaviour in the classroom had been similar to her behaviour outside. Among other things, she'd lost her temper in front of a class and had shattered an overhead projector by thumping her fist down on the glass.

Yup. I do have a step-grandchild, but I first came on here to look at the feminism threads.

I get that. But it's deciding to take a look in the first place - DH and I have friend group circles where we are the only parents. I have never encountered a person IRL who is not a parent and is on here so I'm always interested in how people first find it. MN is in the news, true, so people might get curious that way.

I first became aware of MN via Twitter.

OP has explained this. they were acquainted enough to have had some conversations over i think social media about mutual interests. So they weren't besties, but they also weren't complete strangers, and knew each other enough to have social conversations separate from the work socials that the DH bought El along to when they were dating.

Some may have been trying for children and never had them. Also, sometimes if you do a google search on a particular subject it brings up mumsnet quite regularly. The site is so interesting (and unique actually) that people stay.

If El was having fertility issues if follows that she may well have found her way here to the support/advice threads along those lines that are on here.

yes, true.

Fair enough but the kind of texts I sent in my early 30s were pretty much the same as I do now at 61. Same applies to my DH, Dsis and old friends. I think you are either the sort of person who uses text speak or you aren't.

All of this is true for me.