Random Message DH Affair Part2

[basilbush]

Hi all

Link to previous thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5344952-random-message-saying-dh-affair?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

TLDR: I got a WhatsApp telling me DH (by name) was having an affair. The ‘proof’ was very suspect and I didn’t believe it. Went through it all with DH who denies it all and the messages turned to some insults.
We believed it was someone with malicious intent.

Im sorry I didn’t start a thread straight away-I didn’t want to start one and then not have the time to keep it up to date as yesterday was really busy. So some progress has been made:
-After being super certain the baby shower wasn’t put online I’ve discounted the woman from work. I’ve also found out that she’s moved back to her home country on the other side of the world so unlikely.
-I know people were unsure why I thought my college friend was the link. Essentially one of the insults I got sent was quite personal and about something I used to be quite insecure of when I was younger (not so much now) and college friend was aware of it.

I was still fairly certain it isn’t FROM her as I just can’t square that off but it seems to be too much of a coincidence that she was at the baby shower, has access to me online and knows about this thing.

We told PIL everything when they dropped kids off yesterday and DH said that he was supposedly with this woman that time I was at the baby shower-they completely backed him up that he was with them the whole time and couldn’t believe someone could be so vindictive. I felt bad we told them as they were quite upset about it all.

Back to college friend. We decided yesterday morning to follow Colleen’s lead and I posted a Facebook status viewable just to her along the lines of ‘absolutely devastated. Nearly 20 years only to be betrayed-anyone know a good solicitor?’ (Note, I would never normally share something so private!!).

We figured if it was her, I’d get a WhatsApp message mocking me or full of smugness. We could see she’d be been online lots through the day but we didn’t get anything from the number.

Then this morning I get a WhatsApp from her (using the number she used in the baby shower group) saying she’d seen my status, was so sorry and wondered if I was around for a catch up as she’s a bit worried about a few things and needs to talk to me.

Ive obviously tried to ask questions but she’s just asked if we could meet. We’ve got a few kids activities this morning but I’m meeting her at 2 for a drink and to see what she has to say.

Sorry, that was really long! And please don’t worry, this hasn’t completely taken over our weekend-we took kids to soft play party, had a nice bbq and this morning are going swimming. But I’m determined to find out what this is all about.

I would shun CF from your life after this, as you don't seem that close to her, then she gets a bit of "comeuppance" for her action in this!

Also potty training and can highly recommend Dr beckmans carpet cleaner but the pet one!

I don't think @basilbush had seen her for years.

I managed to understand the whole saga, and so what if the Op is ' outed ' in real life - she has done nothing wrong ! She indeed is the ' victim ' but actually she isn't a victim - she has managed / handled the whole situation very nicely.

If El is indeed on MN and has seen or contributed to this thread, she is the one that does not want to be outed in real life !

op said upthread that the weirdness started after she'd left her with the phone and then come back.

try reading the op's posts in order.

Well, I'm glad to see this has all wrapped up pretty satisfactorily. Although I'd love to know what that final "firm" message was that you and your DH sent to El!

Personally, I feel a bit sorry for El, she's obviously in a bad place and it's all back fired on her massively. She knows she's potentially put her career at risk, and it all hangs in the hands of 2 people she is massively jealous of. She'll also know that she's probably permanently damaged her friendship with CF.

I hope she has found this thread, has read through everything, and can perhaps come back to it again in the future. Perhaps it'll be the catalyst she needs to make proper changes in her life.

I hope you and your DH are okay OP. What a mad weekend!

well you are a better woman than me as I would be definitely taking it further, she sounds unhinged and is a teacher too, bet this is not the last of it

El would’ve know OP’s married name for 2 reasons:

1. They were looking at her social media - her name was likely on there
2. She dated OP’s ex years ago so fairly sure she’d have remembered his surname.

Also El didn’t ’grab the phone before it locked’. She already had the phone open with CF scrolling through. CF said she left El looking at the phone whilst she popped to the loo. So if she was constantly touching the screen scrolling, the phone wouldn’t have locked. Because they don’t do that until they’re left idle and the screen not being touched for a set period of time.

And on many phones you can A) Set how long you wish to wait before the screen locks when it’s idle and B) Switch off auto screen lock completely. Yours locking after 5 seconds of non use is neither here nor there, because you don’t know what settings CF had on her phone. Unless you have the ‘superpower’ of ‘being psychic’

She also was friendly with OP when she worked with OP’s now DH. OP said they had a fair few convos about Buffy the vampire slayer. So entirely plausible she would’ve remembered her maiden name if they spoke a lot back then.

No ‘superpowers’ necessary when you use good old common sense.

The bit we don’t know is whether CF did more than just letting El scroll through her phone. She may have played a bigger part but played it down. Either way it’s clear who the person was and that she got to OP through CF.

Been gripped by this thread but there is one niggling question for me.
Since it turned out that EI had been in a lengthy relationship with the OP's DH, how come she got the kind of language he would use in a text so wrong? Surely she would have known all the "nites" and "babes" were totally out of character and used language that was more applicable?

He's 20 years older and a grown up?

Years ago when texting became a thing a lot of people used silly text language, then grew up and realised it was cool.

She dated him 20 years ago and was only with him for 1 year.

I’d say that he’s probably changed a bit since the age of 25, twenty years ago.

At 47 now, I certainly don’t speak on text the way I did in my 20’s.

i am glad you got to the bottom of this op
it makes sense, crazy ex

But on MN we don't say "crazy ex". Or at least that is the rule declared to second wives. If an ex is crazy is because the man made her that way.

MN 101.

tortured ex?

unlucky ex?

But I find it hard to believe someone as obsessive as El wouldn't already have stalked her ex's (OP's husband's) Facebook profile and seen OP in photos, and realised they are married.

Not a spiteful message- she made up a scenario to try and ruin someone’s marriage.

I wouldn’t want my children taught by someone that could be so vindictive- say she fixates on a parent and does the same, or fixates on another teacher

No need for nastiness! I have an Honours degree in Eng Lit and am an academic book editor - I can read just fine.

Edited to add - Also, I'm querying CF's account of events, not the OP's. It's not unreasonable to suspect that CF's explanation may not be completely faithful to the facts.

My ex (Man) is crazy and I don't see why you can't call a woman crazy. Some definitely are.

Yeah but the 'crazy ex girlfriend' is a known sexist trope. So much so there's a film called 'My crazy ex girlfriend' and not 'my crazy ex boyfriend'. I do think it's different.

Doesn't mean they aren't crazy though. However, I will make sure I don't say it on here.

Not everyone uses SM - I can't see that OP has said her DH does. It was also over 20 years ago. I suspect El doesn't really think it was OP's (or her DH) fault but in the depth of her pain over not having kids and her marriage breaking down, she just wants SOMEONE to aim her hurt at. The desire to lash out when it looks like someone else has the perfect life that you wanted it; and even worse they have it with someone that you had thought you could have it with, is very, very human.

You only have to look at the number of posts where people are angrier with an OW than their cheating spouse, and El believes that OP stole 'her' man. Or has decided 20 years on that she did.

Not justifying her behaviour but in the depths of an extreme emotional crisis, I can understand how she can have done something so stupid, cruel and unthinking, without considering the consequences for others.

That's a possibility, especially if he has always kept his social media profiles private. But these types of people are quite good at stalking and finding info about their targets, so I'm surprised she didn't find out about the marriage in all those 20 years.

But it is unreasonable to expect OP or anyone on here to have an answer to any of your queries about CF or El. It's entirely possible El was happy and moved on with her life and hasn't been obsessed with OP's husband for 2 decades but recent life events have triggered something.

But I don't think any explanation is going to be good enough for you.