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Original poster

Random Message DH Affair Part2

923 replies

basilbush · 01/06/2025 10:41

Hi all

Link to previous thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5344952-random-message-saying-dh-affair?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

TLDR: I got a WhatsApp telling me DH (by name) was having an affair. The ‘proof’ was very suspect and I didn’t believe it. Went through it all with DH who denies it all and the messages turned to some insults.
We believed it was someone with malicious intent.

Im sorry I didn’t start a thread straight away-I didn’t want to start one and then not have the time to keep it up to date as yesterday was really busy. So some progress has been made:
-After being super certain the baby shower wasn’t put online I’ve discounted the woman from work. I’ve also found out that she’s moved back to her home country on the other side of the world so unlikely.
-I know people were unsure why I thought my college friend was the link. Essentially one of the insults I got sent was quite personal and about something I used to be quite insecure of when I was younger (not so much now) and college friend was aware of it.

I was still fairly certain it isn’t FROM her as I just can’t square that off but it seems to be too much of a coincidence that she was at the baby shower, has access to me online and knows about this thing.

We told PIL everything when they dropped kids off yesterday and DH said that he was supposedly with this woman that time I was at the baby shower-they completely backed him up that he was with them the whole time and couldn’t believe someone could be so vindictive. I felt bad we told them as they were quite upset about it all.

Back to college friend. We decided yesterday morning to follow Colleen’s lead and I posted a Facebook status viewable just to her along the lines of ‘absolutely devastated. Nearly 20 years only to be betrayed-anyone know a good solicitor?’ (Note, I would never normally share something so private!!).

We figured if it was her, I’d get a WhatsApp message mocking me or full of smugness. We could see she’d be been online lots through the day but we didn’t get anything from the number.

Then this morning I get a WhatsApp from her (using the number she used in the baby shower group) saying she’d seen my status, was so sorry and wondered if I was around for a catch up as she’s a bit worried about a few things and needs to talk to me.

Ive obviously tried to ask questions but she’s just asked if we could meet. We’ve got a few kids activities this morning but I’m meeting her at 2 for a drink and to see what she has to say.

Sorry, that was really long! And please don’t worry, this hasn’t completely taken over our weekend-we took kids to soft play party, had a nice bbq and this morning are going swimming. But I’m determined to find out what this is all about.

Random message saying DH affair | Mumsnet

Hoping for some advice here Background-been with my DH 19 years, married 13 with two young children (nursery and reception). I would say we have a h...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5344952-random-message-saying-dh-affair?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

OP posts:
bluesinthenight · 02/06/2025 13:24

Naepalz · 02/06/2025 13:21

Fair enough but the kind of texts I sent in my early 30s were pretty much the same as I do now at 61. Same applies to my DH, Dsis and old friends. I think you are either the sort of person who uses text speak or you aren't.

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Op knew DH when he dated El, so would know if he used to use that kind of language. That threw me a bit.

Kreepture · 02/06/2025 13:25

i don't get the impression El was really thinking on any kind of deep level to be trying to accurately fake DH, she was just being malicious out of misdirected spite.

Waveafterwaves · 02/06/2025 13:27

GertieLawrence · 02/06/2025 08:55

Lucky for El that the old friend who hasn’t met DH presumably had OP’s name listed under her married name. She has one super power in recognising a background face from 20 years ago that’s potentially undergone some form of physical change (and is being stuffed with cake). Another superpower in grabbing a phone before it locks and thinking of a plan on the spot to torment OP, requiring her number.

Remembering OP’s maiden name could be a superpower too far, but who knows. Personally, I have my old mates listed under their first names which might have thrown El’s snooping. Although, my phone locks in 5 seconds and I never leave it behind anywhere anyway.

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I would imagine that ops face is probably something she easily remembers as I doubt she all of sudden decided OP had stolen her man - the level of anger she has , it’s probably something that has always been on her mind . She may have looked her up on social media before . But , when she was with CF talking about things she’s going through, having just broken up , then seeing OP - it then bought it all back and made her angry.

She doesn’t need to remember her maiden name. She knows her ex - OPs husbands - surname so knows it would be that now.

She probably looked in her phone and saw the first name , then when she took that number and put it in her phones on WhatsApp she could confirm it’s her through the photo

LemonOwl · 02/06/2025 13:37

Naepalz · 02/06/2025 13:21

Fair enough but the kind of texts I sent in my early 30s were pretty much the same as I do now at 61. Same applies to my DH, Dsis and old friends. I think you are either the sort of person who uses text speak or you aren't.

Show quote history

I know someone who used to text that weirdly I struggled to know what it said sometimes. Now they text normally.

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 02/06/2025 13:38

GertieLawrence · 02/06/2025 08:55

Lucky for El that the old friend who hasn’t met DH presumably had OP’s name listed under her married name. She has one super power in recognising a background face from 20 years ago that’s potentially undergone some form of physical change (and is being stuffed with cake). Another superpower in grabbing a phone before it locks and thinking of a plan on the spot to torment OP, requiring her number.

Remembering OP’s maiden name could be a superpower too far, but who knows. Personally, I have my old mates listed under their first names which might have thrown El’s snooping. Although, my phone locks in 5 seconds and I never leave it behind anywhere anyway.

Show quote history

People recognise faces from way back. A couple of years ago I bumped into someone who recognised me from primary school donkeys' years ago. She remembered my first name, but not my maiden name, and wouldn't have known my married name anyway. I didn't recognise her at all but I did then remember her name when she told me it.

Applepeony · 02/06/2025 13:41

I'm wondering how many other women in long marriages like mine (26 yrs) and going through menopause - are having a crisis in their marriage. I've known for a while I'm no longer in love with my hubby but not sure if the grass will be greener if I decide to leave. We have 3 grown up children. It's so hard to know what to do. If I stay how do women make a life with a partner they don't love? Theres no abuse etc...just grown apart. My hubby is a decent bloke which makes it harder!

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 02/06/2025 13:44

@Applepeony You need to start your own thread really.

KaleQueen · 02/06/2025 13:54

LemonOwl · 02/06/2025 13:37

I know someone who used to text that weirdly I struggled to know what it said sometimes. Now they text normally.

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I thought this too! She dated him for six years (am I right?) surely if she wanted to be convincing she’d know that wasn’t his style of tone?

plus ‘Bae’ etc just wasn’t a ‘thing’ 20 years ago.
So it’s not like that would be how ‘they’ would text then.
Very odd.

Iwillcomeouttheotherend · 02/06/2025 14:09

babystarsandmoon · 01/06/2025 12:20

You’re going to a lot of effort for someone who believes their husband.

This is not just about whether she believes husband or not.
OP is going to a lot of effort to find out why she has been targeted by a malicious trouble maker.

BunnyLake · 02/06/2025 14:12

Kreepture · 02/06/2025 13:15

OP has explained this. they were acquainted enough to have had some conversations over i think social media about mutual interests. So they weren't besties, but they also weren't complete strangers, and knew each other enough to have social conversations separate from the work socials that the DH bought El along to when they were dating.

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Ah ok. So El would have been well acquainted with the face in the photo even after all those years. I couldn’t quite work it out. But she didn’t know OP was married to her ex at this point? I think I need to re-read OP’s posts as I haven’t kept up. (I do believe this is genuine, I just need to update myself).

OakleyAnnie · 02/06/2025 14:14

basilbush · 01/06/2025 22:50

Thanks so much for all the messages-i have read every post and there are some absolutely crazy people out there from other peoples experiences!

Sorry I’ve been in and out of this thread but trying to have an evening and we’ve just watched the season finale of Mobland-I could smother Tom Hardy in jam and just eat him up!!

DH and I had a long conversation and they seemed to have a pretty normal relationship with none of the behaviour she seems to have displayed recently.

We were weighing up what to do-decided to send a firm but sympathetic message along the lines of those suggested-we had decided not to update the police but make it clear we would if it continued…and we’re writing out our reply when we got another message from her!

I wont go into all the detail but it was essentially an apology-albeit I would say not sounding overly remorseful… sort of explained that life was hard at the moment and asking us not to take this further. Weirdly never actually identifying herself but taking it as read that we know who she is

I suspect from what she has written that she has actually found this thread rather than CF telling her. We replied with our firm message, slightly tweaked so it reads as a reply.

If she has found this thread as I suspect then I think I can hold my head high that I haven’t spoken badly of her and have tried to be sympathetic. If she is reading this, she’ll know it has been logged with the police and is aware we will go back with her name if we hear anything else.

I hope she can recalibrate and try and find something positive to focus on. It is so hard when you think life is leading you down one path and then for whatever reason, the road pivots and you have to adjust the whole rest of your life in your head.

Right, I’m off to dream of Tom Hardy.

I think you’ve handled the whole situation with such grace. Most impressive. You must have a very strong marriage

BunnyLake · 02/06/2025 14:17

BeNiceWhenItsFinished · 02/06/2025 13:38

People recognise faces from way back. A couple of years ago I bumped into someone who recognised me from primary school donkeys' years ago. She remembered my first name, but not my maiden name, and wouldn't have known my married name anyway. I didn't recognise her at all but I did then remember her name when she told me it.

Show quote history

Yes that has happened to me before. Someone obviously knew me from back in our schooldays but I couldn’t place them (I really should have just admitted I didn’t recognise them, I didn’t even ask their name 🙄).

BunnyLake · 02/06/2025 14:19

KaleQueen · 02/06/2025 13:54

I thought this too! She dated him for six years (am I right?) surely if she wanted to be convincing she’d know that wasn’t his style of tone?

plus ‘Bae’ etc just wasn’t a ‘thing’ 20 years ago.
So it’s not like that would be how ‘they’ would text then.
Very odd.

Show quote history

Maybe it was to give the impression he was having an affair with a much younger woman?

MignonsMorceaux · 02/06/2025 14:41

I've been on MN for years and it never ceases to amaze me how many people read a suggestion by another poster (e.g. "a nose job is an example where someone might know something you were self- conscious of many years ago but since changed") and mentally file that away as something the OP has said happened.

Nearly every big thread has one of these.

Original poster
basilbush · 02/06/2025 14:47

Just scrolling through while having a late lunch and it seems being recognised in the background of a photo is a topic of conversation. Having seen said photo I’ve taken to AI to restage it just for MN… hope this helps!

Random Message DH Affair Part2
OP posts:
Original poster
basilbush · 02/06/2025 14:48

Although I prefer this version.., (hoping MN releases it quickly!)

Random Message DH Affair Part2
OP posts:
MignonsMorceaux · 02/06/2025 14:50

basilbush · 02/06/2025 14:47

Just scrolling through while having a late lunch and it seems being recognised in the background of a photo is a topic of conversation. Having seen said photo I’ve taken to AI to restage it just for MN… hope this helps!

Omg, I've seen the woman on the right in that photo outside my house a few evenings this week, as well as at my husband's office and at the gym we both go to!!

Grin
Original poster
basilbush · 02/06/2025 14:51

bluesinthenight · 02/06/2025 12:19

The stories I have read on this thread of every single person who has posted their experiences with "unhinged" exes sounds plausible to me.

I can't help that I find that my experience of op's thread somewhat different to those. Op's explanations don't clear up the anomalies. This is not malicious on my part. It's just my experience. And, like others on here, I'm invested now. Or was when the thread started.

It is so interesting that El, who is so "unhinged" by the end of her marriage and the end of her potential for children, is absolutely OK about going to someone else's wedding and isn't at all triggered by that. So much so that she blithely asks for fashion advice from CF. However, a picture of op sends her over the edge. Surely if a person is unhinged it doesn't come out of the blue like that?

El is an interesting woman because she used to work at the same company as OP, but went on to retrain as a teacher. However, she uses words like "bae" and "nite". I wonder why she does that. DH doesn't use language like that, so either he used to when El dated him, otherwise why would she use language like that if she once dated him? Perhaps she is trying to disguise herself? In which case why does op say it is significant that DH doesn't use that kind of language?

El apparently once "borderline" stalked a man, according to CF. I don't quite know what it means to borderline stalk someone. She either has form for what she has done to DH or she hasn't.

El never worked at the same company as me and didn’t retrain-she has always been a teacher

CF described her behaviour as becoming more worrying AFTER she had gone through her phone when she realised she may have made a mistake in leaving it with her

OP posts:
Original poster
basilbush · 02/06/2025 14:53

OVienna · 02/06/2025 12:52

CF doesn't have children. EL has been trying so it would make sense she'd be on here. (It still puzzles me why someone w/o kids would be on here so I'd be more surprised if CF had seen it.)

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This is my reasoning coupled with CF being very very cagey about anything online due to her being a teacher. Of course I don’t KNOW but this is why I think she hasn’t been on MN (or more specifically hasn’t seen this thread)

OP posts:
WordsFailMeYetAgain · 02/06/2025 14:54

basilbush · 02/06/2025 14:51

El never worked at the same company as me and didn’t retrain-she has always been a teacher

CF described her behaviour as becoming more worrying AFTER she had gone through her phone when she realised she may have made a mistake in leaving it with her

Show quote history

CF is trying to cover her own arse. I would steer clear of her in the future! She knew exactly what she was doing and was probably complicit in what happened.

Original poster
basilbush · 02/06/2025 14:55

Kreepture · 02/06/2025 13:25

i don't get the impression El was really thinking on any kind of deep level to be trying to accurately fake DH, she was just being malicious out of misdirected spite.

This is what I think too. Although I know they were a ‘babe’ couple. DH started that with me and I soon stamped it out as personally can’t stand ‘babe’.

But ive no idea why she picked that writing style or if it is how she communicates with her DH and it just tipped over 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
basilbush · 02/06/2025 14:58

Schweden · 02/06/2025 11:45

Not everyone uses SM - I can't see that OP has said her DH does. It was also over 20 years ago. I suspect El doesn't really think it was OP's (or her DH) fault but in the depth of her pain over not having kids and her marriage breaking down, she just wants SOMEONE to aim her hurt at. The desire to lash out when it looks like someone else has the perfect life that you wanted it; and even worse they have it with someone that you had thought you could have it with, is very, very human.

You only have to look at the number of posts where people are angrier with an OW than their cheating spouse, and El believes that OP stole 'her' man. Or has decided 20 years on that she did.

Not justifying her behaviour but in the depths of an extreme emotional crisis, I can understand how she can have done something so stupid, cruel and unthinking, without considering the consequences for others.

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As you suspect my DH is not an avid SM user. He hasn’t updated his FB since 2009 I don’t think and in fact only uploaded one image of himself which is still there today. No IG either.

OP posts:
Jambolass · 02/06/2025 14:58

basilbush · 02/06/2025 14:47

Just scrolling through while having a late lunch and it seems being recognised in the background of a photo is a topic of conversation. Having seen said photo I’ve taken to AI to restage it just for MN… hope this helps!

The woman on the left stole that dress from my washing line!!! 😱😱😭😉😂

Original poster
basilbush · 02/06/2025 15:00

MumblingsOnMumsN · 02/06/2025 12:54

I agree. For me the mismatch between the awful events and the style of writing (lighthearted and playful at times) was interesting. The style of posting didn't always match the emotions that OP was feeling. At times it comes over as if the emphasis is making it an engaging read ( well done- you did !) rather than the distress that was in the first thread.

This was written as a 'whodunnit' by setting a trap for the friend on social media very early on.

Anything written as a whodunnit is bound to have readers scrutinising the events very closely. And this is not troll hunting- it's how people's minds work when presented with a conundrum.

Edited
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I’m sorry but it’s quite presumptuous to know how I’m feeling and say my writing style doesn’t match it?

Its very simply that in the first thread I genuinely started it concerned I might find out something awful.

As soon as it was clear this was someone trying it on and DH and I looked into it together, I’ve quite enjoyed the detective work involved!

OP posts:
Original poster
basilbush · 02/06/2025 15:03

AI woman seems to be getting about a bit and stealing clothes. Tut tut

OP posts: