Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex not talking to kids until apology- it's been 6 weeks!

237 replies

IcyLemonJoker · 31/05/2025 08:14

My ex and I split up in December, nearly 6 months ago, after 18 years married. I won't go into the ins and outs of all that but since December we have been mainly civil and the kids (DD 16, DS 14) had been visiting him each week - 1 day after school and every other weekend.
The last time they visited their dad, 6 weeks ago, my ex phoned me around 9pm to say I needed to come collect them as DS wasn't welcome in his home. They'd had an argument and he had kicked DS out. Literally made him wait outside. DD had left with her brother out of loyalty and I picked them up soon after.
The argument itself was over something silly but both kids' accounts of what happened don't paint their dad in a good light and it ended with some pushing and shoving, something that's never happened before.
So now we are at an impasse.... my Ex won't see DS until he apologises. DS and DD think their Dad should apologise and DS is not planning to do it. DD won't see her dad until they sort it out.
It's been 6 weeks.
DD misses her Dad but DS is less clear about it.
I have messaged my Ex to try and move things on. He sounds low and is missing the kids but won't budge on waiting for an apology.
Should I encourage DS to apologise when by all accounts his Dad should be taking the lead with this?
It seems like their Dad is willing to cut ties with them over this, which says a lot too.... I'm really torn with what is best for the kids and if I might regret not getting more involved in years to come.

OP posts:
Doingmybest12 · 01/06/2025 17:31

That wasn't what I meant,I meant them going back is not dependent on just if they want to or decide they will smooth things over as others have suggested. It's a lot for them to be responsible entirely if they go back or not. Its also for the other parent to decide if this is safe or not. If they don't want to go, they don't have to go obviously as old enough to make this decision.

Hellofreshh · 01/06/2025 17:38

I would be asking your ex to have a big chat! Ultimately he has to learn how to manage his kids in his own household. What happens if this happens again? I think to make DS stand outside is out of order though.

Can't they both apologise to one and other?

BunnyVV · 01/06/2025 17:46

Looks like your ex needed you to regulate his emotions.
now you’re not there, he using his teenage kids.
I would think that it’s not a very healthy environment for them going forward due to the likelihood of repetition.
your children should absolutely not be shouldering this. He's the adult and he has to model the behaviour he expects people to have. But it seems he wants to act however he likes yet his kids need to obey him.
i think you need to look at the bigger picture here and think about how this might get worse in the future.

Blades2 · 01/06/2025 17:47

I’m sorry but you want your son to see his dad, who by the sounds of it, put hands on him? Are ye serious?

toottoot3 · 01/06/2025 18:10

Does he actually want the responsibility of having kids stay? Is this maybe an easy way to stop having kids over? Cause how he can't apologise to kids to at least start a dialogue about what has happeneds, reeks of poor parenting

BruFord · 01/06/2025 18:19

@Hellofreshh I don’t think that the OP should get involved, her husband is an adult and he needs to sort this out. They’re separated and they now have separate relationships with their children.

knor · 01/06/2025 18:31

ridiculous a grown man won’t apologise to his own child!
really nice sign that your daughter is supporting your son as sounds like they’re close.
I would personally just leave it, it’s up to your ex to sort it and as other comments have said, I wouldn’t be rushing to send my kids back to this man

GiveDogBone · 01/06/2025 18:40

Wow, the MN man haters are out in force again!

The simple answer is both sides need to apologise and both sides are currently cutting off their respective noses to spite their faces. Of course neither side thinks they’re in the wrong, that’s a way a lot of arguments work.

You could do both sides a great service by mediating a rapprochement.

Vynalbob · 01/06/2025 18:41

Unlike a lot of replies I won't make assumptions.
Questions I'd ask myself

  1. If this happened before the split what would have happened.
  2. Has the split affected the views and how (eg if one parent is seen as at fault there maybe resentment)
  3. Will DDs loyalty poison the siblings relationship long term if it's not sorted.

Really hard to advise with scant information.
Dad screams get out 11pm in dodgy inner city area vs Dad says I can't look at you right now you can wait out front for your mum to pick you up, in a quiet safe area.

Too many variables.

caringcarer · 01/06/2025 18:42

JFDIYOLO · 31/05/2025 08:38

There's a reason he's your ex, isn't there.

What an arse.

And has he considered if he continues to behave like this he won't be invited to their future 18th/21st/graduations/weddings/christenings/Christmas etc etc etc?

He'll be the loser in this.

He needs to have a think about this. My DS who was 17 at the time of a silly arguement refused to apologise because exh was at fault. Exh refused to apologise and basically lost over 7 years of his DS's life. Now SD speaks to him very occasionally but he doesn't go to visit him or make any effort with him.

Thalia31 · 01/06/2025 18:43

IcyLemonJoker · 31/05/2025 08:14

My ex and I split up in December, nearly 6 months ago, after 18 years married. I won't go into the ins and outs of all that but since December we have been mainly civil and the kids (DD 16, DS 14) had been visiting him each week - 1 day after school and every other weekend.
The last time they visited their dad, 6 weeks ago, my ex phoned me around 9pm to say I needed to come collect them as DS wasn't welcome in his home. They'd had an argument and he had kicked DS out. Literally made him wait outside. DD had left with her brother out of loyalty and I picked them up soon after.
The argument itself was over something silly but both kids' accounts of what happened don't paint their dad in a good light and it ended with some pushing and shoving, something that's never happened before.
So now we are at an impasse.... my Ex won't see DS until he apologises. DS and DD think their Dad should apologise and DS is not planning to do it. DD won't see her dad until they sort it out.
It's been 6 weeks.
DD misses her Dad but DS is less clear about it.
I have messaged my Ex to try and move things on. He sounds low and is missing the kids but won't budge on waiting for an apology.
Should I encourage DS to apologise when by all accounts his Dad should be taking the lead with this?
It seems like their Dad is willing to cut ties with them over this, which says a lot too.... I'm really torn with what is best for the kids and if I might regret not getting more involved in years to come.

Why does it bother you? It is not your business leave well alone.

Laura95167 · 01/06/2025 18:53

It doesn't matter who's right or wrong. When a parent falls out with a child (who is a child specifically) it doesn't matter who's fault it is the parent has a responsibility to fix it.

ExH would rather be miserable and stubborn than see his children. And that will tell your children all they need to know.

I think to need to tell ExH as a curtesy (because youve said this isnt how hes behaved before) what he's gambling with and risks. But then I'd leave it alone and support your children.

Iceboy80 · 01/06/2025 19:13

Don't be to judgemental there are 2 sides to this story, what's the father's side and is it justified? However, to stop talking to the kids for 6 weeks I'd imagine it would have to be something very very serious.

MoreChocPls · 01/06/2025 19:27

you know the dad is in the wrong but you want your ds to apologise. Are you having a laugh? WTF!

Sillyname63 · 01/06/2025 19:42

I would lay it on the line with your EX , either he becomes the adult swallows his pride and says sorry or he loses his kids, not because you will stop them visiting but his behaviour will. 🙄

sunnymummy238 · 01/06/2025 20:53

You don’t really know what happened- you’ve heard one side of the story. Nevertheless your ex is the adult and he needs to take the lead in having a calm conversation with ds to try and sort things out, and model some ways of resolving conflict. Your children need some stable parenting from him having gone through the changes of a divorce. If you are able to have this conversation with your ex, you could do it for your children’s sake.

BruFord · 01/06/2025 21:03

GiveDogBone · 01/06/2025 18:40

Wow, the MN man haters are out in force again!

The simple answer is both sides need to apologise and both sides are currently cutting off their respective noses to spite their faces. Of course neither side thinks they’re in the wrong, that’s a way a lot of arguments work.

You could do both sides a great service by mediating a rapprochement.

@GiveDogBone Why is it man hating to say that the father needs to sort this out with his son?

SamDeanCas · 01/06/2025 21:14

Well I can see why you divorced him. How utterly immature of him. Kids push our buttons and push boundaries, it’s our job as parents, to deal with it like adults and not behave like 12 year olds ourselves.

DeSoleil · 01/06/2025 21:34

He is an adult. When something happens that causes tension or a row you discuss it and sort it out and move on.

Demanding an apology and refusing to see them again unless they apologise is childish and dramatic.

He doesn’t sound terribly bright and if he stubbornly persists then the only loser will be him.

Lovehascomeandgone · 01/06/2025 21:56

You aren’t married anymore and it’s not your job to sort out and fix his parenting fuck ups. He needs to contact his kids directly and have a conversation like a fucking adult. Fuck all to do with you, stay out of it. And no DS shouldn’t apologize.

Horses7 · 02/06/2025 08:12

Sounds like a win win.

Snakebite61 · 02/06/2025 09:28

IcyLemonJoker · 31/05/2025 08:14

My ex and I split up in December, nearly 6 months ago, after 18 years married. I won't go into the ins and outs of all that but since December we have been mainly civil and the kids (DD 16, DS 14) had been visiting him each week - 1 day after school and every other weekend.
The last time they visited their dad, 6 weeks ago, my ex phoned me around 9pm to say I needed to come collect them as DS wasn't welcome in his home. They'd had an argument and he had kicked DS out. Literally made him wait outside. DD had left with her brother out of loyalty and I picked them up soon after.
The argument itself was over something silly but both kids' accounts of what happened don't paint their dad in a good light and it ended with some pushing and shoving, something that's never happened before.
So now we are at an impasse.... my Ex won't see DS until he apologises. DS and DD think their Dad should apologise and DS is not planning to do it. DD won't see her dad until they sort it out.
It's been 6 weeks.
DD misses her Dad but DS is less clear about it.
I have messaged my Ex to try and move things on. He sounds low and is missing the kids but won't budge on waiting for an apology.
Should I encourage DS to apologise when by all accounts his Dad should be taking the lead with this?
It seems like their Dad is willing to cut ties with them over this, which says a lot too.... I'm really torn with what is best for the kids and if I might regret not getting more involved in years to come.

I need to know the details of the argument before posting a decent comment.

legoplaybook · 02/06/2025 09:55

Snakebite61 · 02/06/2025 09:28

I need to know the details of the argument before posting a decent comment.

Show quote history

Is there any argument you can possibly imagine having with your child that would justify you ignoring them for 6 weeks??

Shortbread49 · 02/06/2025 10:24

If this is how he treats them your children will be better off without him maybe you need to leave it and let them realise how he is for themselves. You getting involved may make it worse . My mother is like this hasn’t spoken to me for 3 years now or seen her only grandchildren as I told her something she said was offensive ( it was a poor taste comment about asylum seekers and hotels ) which my children also thought was offensive (she couldn’t handle being challenged )

40YearOldDad · 02/06/2025 10:56

Vynalbob · 01/06/2025 18:41

Unlike a lot of replies I won't make assumptions.
Questions I'd ask myself

  1. If this happened before the split what would have happened.
  2. Has the split affected the views and how (eg if one parent is seen as at fault there maybe resentment)
  3. Will DDs loyalty poison the siblings relationship long term if it's not sorted.

Really hard to advise with scant information.
Dad screams get out 11pm in dodgy inner city area vs Dad says I can't look at you right now you can wait out front for your mum to pick you up, in a quiet safe area.

Too many variables.

Best responce so far - too many people here assuming the dad is at fault and a violent thug, even though the OP has stated that this has not happended before.

All we really know is that an argument was had and a couple of pushes (I assume we're not talking full on punch up here) and dad has put him put him outside, dad has difused the situation, much like you'd put a toddler on the 'naughty step' asked mom to collect.

The only way to get to the bottom of it will be by all sitting down and having it out, I've seen famlies fall out over less and not speak for decades all because they are too pig headed to talk to each other.

It's even harder as you're now two households and no longer a family unit.