Ex not talking to kids until apology- it's been 6 weeks!

[IcyLemonJoker]

My ex and I split up in December, nearly 6 months ago, after 18 years married. I won't go into the ins and outs of all that but since December we have been mainly civil and the kids (DD 16, DS 14) had been visiting him each week - 1 day after school and every other weekend.
The last time they visited their dad, 6 weeks ago, my ex phoned me around 9pm to say I needed to come collect them as DS wasn't welcome in his home. They'd had an argument and he had kicked DS out. Literally made him wait outside. DD had left with her brother out of loyalty and I picked them up soon after.
The argument itself was over something silly but both kids' accounts of what happened don't paint their dad in a good light and it ended with some pushing and shoving, something that's never happened before.
So now we are at an impasse.... my Ex won't see DS until he apologises. DS and DD think their Dad should apologise and DS is not planning to do it. DD won't see her dad until they sort it out.
It's been 6 weeks.
DD misses her Dad but DS is less clear about it.
I have messaged my Ex to try and move things on. He sounds low and is missing the kids but won't budge on waiting for an apology.
Should I encourage DS to apologise when by all accounts his Dad should be taking the lead with this?
It seems like their Dad is willing to cut ties with them over this, which says a lot too.... I'm really torn with what is best for the kids and if I might regret not getting more involved in years to come.

An adult response to somebody that has assaulted them is to walk away and have no more to do with them - and have that decision respected. It is not a normal adult behaviour to put yourself back into close contact with that person and pretend that everything's OK and they had the right to assault you.

Doesn't matter what sex either party is, you leave/escape/do not put yourself in the position of vulnerability again when you are an adult.

An ex can be an ex for a lot of reasons some amicable not always toxic sometimes compatibility. Also the question is not why he is an ex but what exactly happens

This annoys me so much!

Your house is their home… ExH’s house should also be their home!

What would you do @IcyLemonJoker if you had a huge row with your son? Ask him to go to his room? Take yourself off somewhere to calm down? Find a reasonable consequence?….. What you wouldn’t do I’m guessing is phone exH and tell him they can’t come back to THEIR home until they apologise!

It’s awful that the kids now see his house as a place they can just be thrown out of…. Made to wait outside on the doorstep like stray animals! - That in itself is so humiliating!!! Sat outside with all the neighbours twitching their curtains!

He is lucky your son didn’t call the police and report him for assault!

Your ex husband is the adult here and he should be the one asking to come round to see the children to sort things out.

Maybe your children could write a letter to their dad expressing how they feel about what happened? Not an apology but maybe an account of how he made them feel!

I can’t imagine they feel great about their Dad deeming his house as being HIS home and not also theirs!

Fathers Day is in 2 weeks, I wonder if exH will apologise so that he can see his children on the day….I’d be tempted to let the day come and go and see what happens!

One thing is clear - it’s not your mess to sort.

A lot of people throwing the word assult around, from what the OP has said it was a bit of pushing, unless we're talking physical blows I think a lot is being taken out of contex.

And yes, dad should take some advise also, but it speaks volumes about what happened if he's not called in 6 weeks. Because up until the seperation i assume he was in his kids lives and was still seeing them every week.

It does speak volumes. It tells us that her ex is a stubborn, petty little man who would rather lose his kids than apologise for his part in the pushing and shoving that occurred six weeks ago. He sounds dictatorial and autocratic who thinks that he deserves respect, not because he has earned it by being a kind and loving father, but because it is his automatic right as a parent.

Youre right. It speaks volumes that the dad was involved in his children’s lives when it suited him. That he hasnt been interested in his children since they spoke up to him.

and it also speaks volumes that you think ‘a bit of pushing’ isnt an assault, and assault can only be punches.

Spot on, I agree

Based on your assumptions - we have zero idea what happened or what was said. And No, I'd not class a bit of shoving as assult in this context based on the very little informaation that has been provided.

Words can be assult, words can also be litigious much like most of the utter crap responces on here. The very same people moaning and calling this assult are the very same people that would moan about people being locked up over Twitter posts. 🙄- Cake and eat it comes to mind.

For all we know the son, was physically threating dad, for all we know dad is 5ft and 9 stone wet through and son is 6ft 10 strapping lad who could easily hurt dad.

And again we don't know dads history, for 14 years he's been around, until a divorce, agian we have no idea why, mom could have been shagging the milk man for all we know, dad could have been heart broken his family has been turned upside down. OP never said he was a deadbeat dad who had no intrest in their children.

I do tend to agree that dad needs to offer the first olive branch so to speak, but agian we have no idea what was said or really happened.

Ask yourslf, whats the worst thing you could think of your children doing, that would warrent this responce? and agian, this would be a very personal as we all have very different views and break points. This could be anything from words, assult, drug use and a hundred things inbetween.

but surely its the same as any other MN post? we can only judge and advise on what we are told? We (almost) never hear the other side and neither side might be telling all the truth. To join you in the "for all we know" game, the Dad might be a trans ex forces member with raging PTSD and the mother might be a drug addict. All we can do is comment and advise on what we are told.

And that's my whole point, my ridiculous comments are just that, ridiculous to push a point across that many are just missing. The tripe spouted off here is unreal, the OP sounds like she knows what has happened, but it is either something she'd accept or she 's not 100% on her sons side, because if I thought someone had assulted my 14 year old son/daughter there would be swift action taken, I'd not come on a public forum and give half a story.

I think she is on her children’s side but is unsure as to how to deal with her ex. This is likely due to her being treated similarly by him when they were together. She walked on eggshells around him and now he’s treating his kids the same unsurprisingly. And he’s not big on respect either but obedience and many abusive fathers are big on obedience too. And how many 14 years olds are 6 foot 10 exactly?.

she is saying what both sides have told her