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Original poster

Ex not talking to kids until apology- it's been 6 weeks!

237 replies

IcyLemonJoker · 31/05/2025 08:14

My ex and I split up in December, nearly 6 months ago, after 18 years married. I won't go into the ins and outs of all that but since December we have been mainly civil and the kids (DD 16, DS 14) had been visiting him each week - 1 day after school and every other weekend.
The last time they visited their dad, 6 weeks ago, my ex phoned me around 9pm to say I needed to come collect them as DS wasn't welcome in his home. They'd had an argument and he had kicked DS out. Literally made him wait outside. DD had left with her brother out of loyalty and I picked them up soon after.
The argument itself was over something silly but both kids' accounts of what happened don't paint their dad in a good light and it ended with some pushing and shoving, something that's never happened before.
So now we are at an impasse.... my Ex won't see DS until he apologises. DS and DD think their Dad should apologise and DS is not planning to do it. DD won't see her dad until they sort it out.
It's been 6 weeks.
DD misses her Dad but DS is less clear about it.
I have messaged my Ex to try and move things on. He sounds low and is missing the kids but won't budge on waiting for an apology.
Should I encourage DS to apologise when by all accounts his Dad should be taking the lead with this?
It seems like their Dad is willing to cut ties with them over this, which says a lot too.... I'm really torn with what is best for the kids and if I might regret not getting more involved in years to come.

OP posts:

legoplaybook · 31/05/2025 15:19

My2cents1975 · 31/05/2025 15:13

OP, it seems that your DS tried to shove and hit his father soon after your split. Since you were not there for the argument, it is hearsay from your teenage DS.

Is there a third party that you can approach to help you with this situation? A mature family friend who can talk you your ex-H and let him know that while he may have an issue with his child physically assaulting him, he is still the parent and the adult.

The trivial issue that triggered this latest spat is likely not the underlying cause of all the anger leading to physical blows. Six weeks is more than enough time to cool down and reflect on what led up to the physical fight and the fight may have been percolating for a long time since as you've said, you and the kids walked on eggshells prior to your ex moving out.

As for DS, you need to give him support, but firmly state that it is not right to lay his hands on anyone. If he is upset with his father, he can always walk away to another room.

In addition, and this is pure supposition, you need to also be firm that DS does NOT need to fight your battles. DS should know that it is not his job to be an avenging angel for situations he may have witnessed growing up in a tense situation, as you have described. DS may need some professional help to work through his anger issues, so he does not get into physical altercations where he could be hurt, stabbed or worse.

It is a tricky situation. Good luck OP and hope your family heals and you can get to a better co-parenting situation.

Looks like your misread the OP's post:
"Even though he says DS pushed him first, (I'm not sure I believe that, based on the kids' accounts and it seeming unlikely), but either way, he pushed DS, whether first or second."

Moveoverdarlin · 31/05/2025 15:20

I would tell your ex straight. They want you to apologise and you want them to. It’s a stale mate but listen up. You are an ADULT and they are children. Grow the fuck up. You could lose them over this.

Canshehavewaferthinham · 31/05/2025 15:21

IcyLemonJoker · 31/05/2025 10:38

I really appreciate everyone's thoughts, thank you. (First time poster, I had no idea so many people would comment!)
Yeah, so I haven't actually suggested to the kids to apologise, but have just supported what they've wanted.

I should have mentioned, DS has told DD to meet up with her Dad if she wants to.

The kids are both talking to school counsellors but maybe therapy will be needed.

I'm in absolutely no doubt that ExH is in the wrong, regardless of the content of the argument. I did get his side and spoke on the phone the next day. Even though he says DS pushed him first, (I'm not sure I believe that, based on the kids' accounts and it seeming unlikely), but either way, he pushed DS, whether first or second.
He has some big flaws, as a partner and a dad... also chronic pain, depression, neurodiversity... he has always been focused on respect and obedience from the kids, as another poster guessed. I wouldn't say I was a doormat but eggshells, yes. I'm grateful to the people pointing out the unintended messages my kids might take on board if I try and appease/ smooth things and I think that's important for me to tackle when i talk it through with them again.

What kind of ND?
Hes trying to keep your son in line so that he remains 'leader ofthe pack'.

I want to come back to a futuristic humanity where men have evolved out of this type of oafish puerile behaviour. It isn't your job to teadh him how to be an adult and I definitely wouldn't be making DS apologise.

PensionedCruiser · 31/05/2025 15:23

Genevieva · 31/05/2025 14:22

Can you orchestrate a mutual unspecified apology? They all meet, hug, say sorry and that they wish they hadn’t fallen out and they’ve been missing each other.

If they were still married - yes, for the sake of family harmony. However, they are not and the children are old enough to decide for themselves. The mother has no role in the situation except to support her children in whatever course of action they choose to follow.

I think it is significant that the daughter has decided to support her brother, rather than her father, in all this. It's unusual for teen sisters and brothers to stick together so closely against a parent - is that an indication that father really was being unreasonable here? If that's the case, mother should definitely keep out of it and, if it comes to it, involve her solicitor.

Emmz1510 · 31/05/2025 15:26

I think your DS probably should apologise if he has something specifically to apologise for and if that thing was quite serious and definable eg stealing, destroying property or being physically aggressive (as opposed to just retaliating I mean). If it’s something quite minor and in the realm of normal teenage pick-your- battles type territory like minor cheek or backchat, he’s probably on a hiding to nothing expecting an apology. What is their dad saying he wants the apology for specifically? Or does he just want it for the pushing that he said DS did first? Do you think an apology is owed?
If your DS is steadfast in his continuing to refuse to apologise then that might mean that either he genuinely believes he doesn’t need to give one and/or he doesn’t actually want to have contact with his dad again. You could try to unpick this with your DS. If he doesn’t want to apologise, and you agree he doesn’t need to, then the conversation becomes more about what sort of future relationship he wants with his dad and him knowing you’ll support him whatever he wants to do next.

Even if what he did does warrant an apology you can only encourage him, not force him. And either way he is the child in this scenario. An emotionally mature adult knows when to back down from expecting apologies. That doesn’t mean DS shouldn’t face consequences if the original behaviour does call for it. If this is the case, then perhaps your ex could give up expecting the apology but make it clear there will still be a consequence.
It also sounds to me like his dad should be apologising for his part in the whole thing. He has a lot a of work to do to repair the relationship.

Globules · 31/05/2025 15:27

Nominative · 31/05/2025 14:16

It sounds like it needs to be laid on the line to your ex that if he wants a continuing relationship with his children he needs, at the very least, to agree to something sort of counselling/family therapy and to forget this nonsense about laying down conditions. Ask if he really wants to go through the rest of his life lonely, not knowing anything about his children and what they might achieve, not knowing whether he has grandchildren let alone meeting them - will his sense of righteousness about his stupid apology really compensate for all that?

If he still holds back after that, leave him to it. It doesn't sound like he's really going to add much to your children's lives,

Edited

Fundamentally disagree.

It is not up to @IcyLemonJoker to tell her XH how to behave or what consequences this could result in. He's a grown adult.

TonTonMacoute · 31/05/2025 15:28

Are there two teens and an adult involved or is it three teens?

Ex is supposed to be the adult, you weren't there, it's up to him to sort this.

chaosmaker · 31/05/2025 15:28

@IcyLemonJoker What do the kids want to do?

Catsandcannedbeans · 31/05/2025 15:36

I’d just tell him he’ll be the one alone in the nursing home if he doesn’t get his head out his ass. Also good on your DD for sticking with her brother, at that age I don’t know if I’d have had the balls to stand up to my dad.

ForUmberFinch · 31/05/2025 15:36

Your husband needs to grow up. Your son is 14 ffs. If DS and DDs accounts tally, present your ex with that and ask him to explain. If he crossed a line either pushing etc HE needs to man up and admit his mistake instead of taking it out on a child. HIS child.

tinyspiny · 31/05/2025 15:38

@IcyLemonJoker just keep out of it , they are old enough to sort themselves out and frankly your ex needs to buck his ideas up if he wants to repair the damage he’s already done but that is fortunately not your problem anymore .

Topseyt123 · 31/05/2025 15:39

Meadowfinch · 31/05/2025 09:10

It sounds like your ds has got to the age of standing up to his dad, and your ex can't cope with being challenged. Hence the pushing & shoving.

I'd leave them to sort it out themselves.

Your dd sounds lovely 🙂

I'd agree with this.

I wouldn't intervene any further. Nor would I be pressing DS to apologise. He clearly doesn't want to or need to.

You seem confident that ex is in the wrong and I should think you are right. Let him continue to wait in vain for an apology that won't be coming. He's cutting off his nose to spite his face, so just let him get on with it. He can stew in his own juice.

ilovelamp82 · 31/05/2025 15:43

Your ex is a grown man. Don't encourage your children to capitulate to a parent that pushes and shoves them. Be the parent they can trust and rely on. If he continues to be an arse, i'd ne to tempted to be petty and send a request for more child maintenance as he has relinquished his parental responsibilities and you are caring for them 100% of the time. (Probably wouldn't but would like to)

MummaMummaMumma · 31/05/2025 15:47

Do not force them to apologise.
How can he go 6 weeks without seeing his children?!
They are children, he is supposed to be the adult.
Looks like they'd be better without him.

Lua · 31/05/2025 15:54

Op - I will be a bit of a dissenting voice.... Separation is hard on everyone, you said X is low. What if he is depressed and not in control of his emotions? I do not know any details, and perhaps there is clear reason, to close him off. But he might be needing help, and everybody make mistakes.

If you are happy in the future for your kids to have a strained relationship with their father, sure, turn your back and say it is not your problem.

If in 10 years time you want to have everyone together, able to share a table celebrating one of your DCs achievements, or any other important milestone, then I would encourage you to engage with your X, or seek family counselling.

Hope for your DCs sake that a way forward is found.

Extraavailable · 31/05/2025 16:01

Lua · 31/05/2025 15:54

If you are happy in the future for your kids to have a strained relationship with their father, sure, turn your back and say it is not your problem.

Hope for your DCs sake that a way forward is found.

You’re the dissenting voice presumably because you didn’t read the follow
up post in its entirety and instead concluded he was feeling low

godmum56 · 31/05/2025 16:02

Genevieva · 31/05/2025 14:22

Can you orchestrate a mutual unspecified apology? They all meet, hug, say sorry and that they wish they hadn’t fallen out and they’ve been missing each other.

why?

Globules · 31/05/2025 16:02

Lua · 31/05/2025 15:54

If you are happy in the future for your kids to have a strained relationship with their father, sure, turn your back and say it is not your problem.

Hope for your DCs sake that a way forward is found.

You're absolutely right that everyone makes mistakes. And he may be depressed.

However, having lived a very similar scenario, I am willing to bet that the XH behaviour is completely in line with what the OP would expect of him, following on from living with him for many years. The depression and the low mood may have triggered this physical altercation, but I'd suspect very many verbal altercations came before this.

And let's not forget that he's insisting that he "needs" an apology from DS. This isn't showing that he's made a mistake, or showing he's being a parent and trying to make the issue right with his son, but showing he firmly believes he's in the right at whatever cost.

Rosybud88 · 31/05/2025 16:08

I just think it’s poor on dad’s part. This whole apology thing - why can’t he be an adult and sit both the children down and apologise to them both for the situation? He can explain why he also wants an apology but at the end of the day he is the adult in this dynamic and needs to start acting like one.

ButItWasNotYourFaultButMine · 31/05/2025 16:13

I wouldn't get involved. He's throwing away his relationship with his children and it sounds like he started it. That will also be looked at as physical abuse, potentially, if he started getting physical with your young teenager.

Does their school have a family worker you could have a chat with about the situation?

WallaceinAnderland · 31/05/2025 16:17

This man is using coercive behaviour against his own child. It's good that the kids can see it for what it is and are showing that they have strong boundaries. I would encourage and support that. They don't have to have a sulking man in their lives if they don't want to.

Vaxtable · 31/05/2025 16:17

You do what your kids want to do. Why force a relationship with someone who is so childish about an apology and won’t own up to his own behaviour. You do not kick your child out

Jellyrols · 31/05/2025 16:20

No to your son being forced by you to apologise.
Absolutely not.
Awful message.

If your ex wants to let his relationship die on this hill, then so be it.

Prawnball · 31/05/2025 16:21

I had a somewhat similar situation when my DD was 12, she was due to go to his for the weekend but had a party she wanted to go to on the Friday night and asked if he could collect her on the Saturday instead. (He lived a distance away)
He said no, if you don’t come for the whole weekend then don’t come at all. She said fine.
He didn’t see her again until she was 18, and then only briefly.
10 years later when my darling daughter was 28, she died of leukaemia.
She didn’t want him told she was ill and she never rebuilt her relationship with her father.

treesandsun · 31/05/2025 17:06

The ex husband is supposed to be the adult here . Your DSis 14. A parent cannot resolve conflict by simply throwing the child out of the house. What would he have done if you were still living together? I would tell the ex husband he is the one who needs to amend his behaviour if he wishes to have any relationship with his children in the future. Is it more important to him that he have a relationship with his children or receive an apology but it sounds like it clearly does not deserve anyway?

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