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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex not talking to kids until apology- it's been 6 weeks!

237 replies

IcyLemonJoker · 31/05/2025 08:14

My ex and I split up in December, nearly 6 months ago, after 18 years married. I won't go into the ins and outs of all that but since December we have been mainly civil and the kids (DD 16, DS 14) had been visiting him each week - 1 day after school and every other weekend.
The last time they visited their dad, 6 weeks ago, my ex phoned me around 9pm to say I needed to come collect them as DS wasn't welcome in his home. They'd had an argument and he had kicked DS out. Literally made him wait outside. DD had left with her brother out of loyalty and I picked them up soon after.
The argument itself was over something silly but both kids' accounts of what happened don't paint their dad in a good light and it ended with some pushing and shoving, something that's never happened before.
So now we are at an impasse.... my Ex won't see DS until he apologises. DS and DD think their Dad should apologise and DS is not planning to do it. DD won't see her dad until they sort it out.
It's been 6 weeks.
DD misses her Dad but DS is less clear about it.
I have messaged my Ex to try and move things on. He sounds low and is missing the kids but won't budge on waiting for an apology.
Should I encourage DS to apologise when by all accounts his Dad should be taking the lead with this?
It seems like their Dad is willing to cut ties with them over this, which says a lot too.... I'm really torn with what is best for the kids and if I might regret not getting more involved in years to come.

OP posts:
godmum56 · 31/05/2025 20:46

Pleaseshutthefuckup · 31/05/2025 20:45

Say something of use perhaps.

A debate and dialogue will help OP decide what is right.

Show quote history

have you read the whole thread? The father has multiple issues and his behaviour is not new.

Pleaseshutthefuckup · 31/05/2025 20:48

godmum56 · 31/05/2025 20:46

have you read the whole thread? The father has multiple issues and his behaviour is not new.

Show quote history

I will re read now........

Nearly50omg · 31/05/2025 20:59

So he’s an abusive narcissist and he thinks as usual he’s in the right and everyone else is wrong? Going through pretty much same scenario as you and my ex h is also autistic etc and my kids want nothing to do with him so he’s trying to punish all of us by not paying Maintainence etc - punishing us by not being able to eat. Protect your kids and support them not having anything to do with him. The walking on eggshells etc is a part of abuse which I don’t think you realise just how much you’ve been and also the kids also been abused mentally by him. Coercive control etc all part of domestic abuse

Pleaseshutthefuckup · 31/05/2025 21:02

Yes this scenario is not so uncommon. I don't feel too different re reading it from what I originally said.

His ND status will feed into this, particularly if the kids are also ND. He will clash with his son.

He wants an easier life and this gives the ex that. If OP can manage ok then what can you do. I don't believe son should be forced to apologise. Yet, is there any place for accountability here? We don't know what happened. The ex is really immature and being a dick. He needs to be accountable for his part. I don't know if the guy has capacity for that. OP will know.

If the son is so opposed to seeing him then at this age, if OP can cope, that's ok. Id certainly want the money from him to enable it so ex is accountable, as he should be. It isn't about punishing him, it's making him take responsibility as he should.

I look at the ex here like another teenager she has to manage. He's dipping out because he can. OP picks up the pieces.

I would not stop the daughter seeing him and simply continue the therapy and allow them to vent.

You can't force these guys to sort themselves out. I understand this situation all too well.

Conkersinautumn · 31/05/2025 21:08

He's an adult, they are HIS children. You have tried. All you can really do is wait for him to come back on this. Its disturbing he is not motivated to resolve things, but he is an ex for a reason I suppose.

Chorltonandthewhale · 31/05/2025 21:18

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/05/2025 18:00

Ops ex is abusive and uses neurodiversity as an excuse or justification for his abusive behaviour now aimed at his children. ASD as well does not equal abuse. What you are describing re your ex chorlton is an abusive man.

You have made up the 'fact' about OPs Ex using autism as an excuse as nowhere does OP say that.

OPs Ex is abusive if he understands the impact of his behaviour on the kids and enjoys that impact. If he understands what he is doing and gets pleasure or satisfaction from it. If that is the case, I agree its abuse.

However if he does have autism and his autism means he is unable to understand the impact of his behaviour, then he is not a deliberately abusive man. The impact on the kids may be the same which is why I was clear the kids must absolutely feel free to set up boundaries, and that means going non-contact if they want. But if the intention is not to cause harm and he cannot understand the harm he is causing, then his motivation is not to be abusive. Its instead an extreme egocentric view of the world caused by his cognitive impairment rather than malign intent. It sounds like his behaviour is making him miserable too. Whereas a man who intended to cause harm would be getting satisfaction from it.

My Ex's behaviour destroyed our marriage and made him wretchedly miserable. Having a happy marriage was the most important thing in his life. But his expression of autism gave him a deficit in understanding the link between his actions and the consequence of his actions.

I think it is important to make the distinction between men who intend to cause harm and those who don't but do because of an impairment. I think its more important to be honest than ideological. I think its deeply unhelpful that for ideological reasons we are now expected to pretend that autism never causes pain to families and if any autistic person is, it is because they are bad abusive men and its nothing to do with their autism. It should not be controversial or surprising to state that those with a cognitive state that gives them a very egocentric view of the world, an inability to understand people have different experiences from them, an inability to link actions and consequences, an inability to understand the impact of their behaviour on others, and poor emotional regulation etc will cause pain to those in close relationships with them. Again, NAAMALT, but some do have extreme combinations like this and its very hard on partners and children.

At the end of the day the outcome is the same. One should end relationships with those people. But I think it is better to be honest about the motivations.

AnonWho23 · 31/05/2025 21:21

The kids are old enough to navigate their own relationships with their dad.

i would be clear that it is not okay for anyone to put their hands on them. Not their dad and not anyone else. It's not behaviour they should tolerate. I would also explain that if that ever happens with anyone it's better to leave when its safe to rather than physically fight back because this shit can escalate very quickly.

Tell them you'll leave them to decide when / if they are ready to see their dad and that you will always be their to support them, listen to them, and pick them up if needed.

pilates · 31/05/2025 21:22

I would back your children

BruFord · 31/05/2025 21:27

Even though he says DS pushed him first, (I'm not sure I believe that, based on the kids' accounts and it seeming unlikely), but either way, he pushed DS, whether first or second.

As the adult, your ex should have diffused the situation and not retaliated. He's the parent, not your 14-year-old.

I agree with those saying that you should keep out of this and let him sort it out (or not) with your children. He needs to improve his parenting if he wants to maintain a relationship with them. You're not his partner anymore, it's not your job to facilitate his relationship with them.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/05/2025 21:59

He understands the impact of his behaviour on the kids.

Ops H has seemingly not been formally diagnosed as being neurodiverse, she had only mentioned that in passing re him snd has not further elaborated.

Many abusive men use all sorts of ND as an excuse or justification for their behavior ie it’s not their fault . It’s a further insult to those who do genuinely have additional needs.

All this bloke cares about is his own self and getting one over his ex wife.
The fact too he had not spoken to his kids for six weeks is he being emotionally abusive towards them, decent fathers do not do that.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 31/05/2025 22:10

Well, if he is after “obedience “, given their ages he will lose them. Terrible for your dd to have that make role model, because she’ll look for that in a man later on . Use this situation to educate them.

LizziesCat · 31/05/2025 23:03

Prawnball · 31/05/2025 16:21

I had a somewhat similar situation when my DD was 12, she was due to go to his for the weekend but had a party she wanted to go to on the Friday night and asked if he could collect her on the Saturday instead. (He lived a distance away)
He said no, if you don’t come for the whole weekend then don’t come at all. She said fine.
He didn’t see her again until she was 18, and then only briefly.
10 years later when my darling daughter was 28, she died of leukaemia.
She didn’t want him told she was ill and she never rebuilt her relationship with her father.

So sorry for your loss Flowers

I don’t understand parents (and it’s more often fathers) who expect such rigid adherence to their rules from their children.

LizziesCat · 31/05/2025 23:05

OP If your son has to apologise to placate his father this time even though it sounds like it was his father in the wrong this situation will arise again, what will you advise the next time it happens?

whygodwhy · 01/06/2025 06:37

Absolutely not … your son shouldn’t have to make the first move with a grown adult!

DontBeADick11 · 01/06/2025 08:39

AtomicBlondeRose · 31/05/2025 08:17

I think if this was me I’d level with DS and say “look, I think your Dad isn’t behaving very well here, and if you don’t want to apologise that’s fine. But also if you did want to do it just to smooth things over even though you don’t feel like you should, I’d understand. It’s up to you and I’ll support whatever your choice is.”

Don’t teach them to people please!

FluffyJawsOfDoom · 01/06/2025 09:48

I can see why you divorced, what a man-child.

stichguru · 01/06/2025 10:02

Your X is physically aggressive towards a 14 year old and then kicks him out of the house. Then wants the kid to patch it up, and when he doesn't, is quite ok with not seeing his kids for as long as it takes for his son to apologise. I'm sorry you really shouldn't need Mumsnet to tell you to go back to court to get the right to keep your kids away from this abusive man.

chatgptsbestmate · 01/06/2025 10:05

Your children need to chat to a therapist to help them put this into perspective and to help them decide how to move forward

You must avoid teaching them to walk on eggshells and people please.....which I'm sure you know

I'd avoid talking to your ex about it. Let him sort himself out

Dustmylemonlies · 01/06/2025 10:58

I think at 16 and 14 your kids are old enough to make this call for themselves. Your Ex sounds dreadful and clearly they think so too.

Pleaseshutthefuckup · 01/06/2025 12:57

stichguru · 01/06/2025 10:02

Your X is physically aggressive towards a 14 year old and then kicks him out of the house. Then wants the kid to patch it up, and when he doesn't, is quite ok with not seeing his kids for as long as it takes for his son to apologise. I'm sorry you really shouldn't need Mumsnet to tell you to go back to court to get the right to keep your kids away from this abusive man.

OP doesn't need to do this at this stage.

Many families have challenges. ND families, with an ND father and ND son ( if applicable), it really is another world. Many would not understand it. The potentially ND son,( highly heritable), if like many ND teen boys, will have the capacity to push a parent to the edge in my experience. It does not make this ok. It is however context that would not be understood in NT families tbh.

Taking him to court is not the answer imo here.

It's possible he wants to dip out tbh and here's a good excuse to do as such. He can say he tried his best and get on with his own life and need fulfilment whilst convincing himself none of it is his fault.

DorothyStorm · 01/06/2025 13:17

It's possible he wants to dip out tbh and here's a good excuse to do as such. He can say he tried his best and get on with his own life and need fulfilment whilst convincing himself none of it is his fault

I thought the same. He now has a story for everyone who will listen that it wasnt his fault. Poor victim that he is. And his next gf gets the toxic ex turned my children against me lines.

Doingmybest12 · 01/06/2025 13:52

I would say you are the other parent in this and I'd want to know he'd sought help for his over reaction and accepted he was out of line be fore they went back again. What's going to stop it happening again. So that's the message I'd be giving him and the children.

Pinty · 01/06/2025 13:56

He sounds terrible. I would just keep out of it.
He should apologise for throwing your son out of the house. If he won't then he will lose his children and he only has himself to blame.
I don't think you should persuade your son to apologise. He is a teenager and teenagers behave badly sometimes your ex is an adult and had no excuse for his behaviour

Pinty · 01/06/2025 14:12

My2cents1975 · 31/05/2025 15:13

OP, it seems that your DS tried to shove and hit his father soon after your split. Since you were not there for the argument, it is hearsay from your teenage DS.

Is there a third party that you can approach to help you with this situation? A mature family friend who can talk you your ex-H and let him know that while he may have an issue with his child physically assaulting him, he is still the parent and the adult.

The trivial issue that triggered this latest spat is likely not the underlying cause of all the anger leading to physical blows. Six weeks is more than enough time to cool down and reflect on what led up to the physical fight and the fight may have been percolating for a long time since as you've said, you and the kids walked on eggshells prior to your ex moving out.

As for DS, you need to give him support, but firmly state that it is not right to lay his hands on anyone. If he is upset with his father, he can always walk away to another room.

In addition, and this is pure supposition, you need to also be firm that DS does NOT need to fight your battles. DS should know that it is not his job to be an avenging angel for situations he may have witnessed growing up in a tense situation, as you have described. DS may need some professional help to work through his anger issues, so he does not get into physical altercations where he could be hurt, stabbed or worse.

It is a tricky situation. Good luck OP and hope your family heals and you can get to a better co-parenting situation.

The daughter was also there and both children said the father did the shoving first. The boy quite reasonably pushed back.
It will be the bit sticking up for himself that the father didn't like.
There is no excuse for pushing him outside the house

godmum56 · 01/06/2025 16:21

Doingmybest12 · 01/06/2025 13:52

I would say you are the other parent in this and I'd want to know he'd sought help for his over reaction and accepted he was out of line be fore they went back again. What's going to stop it happening again. So that's the message I'd be giving him and the children.

But surely you can't make the children go back? so if you say this you are either actually not going to do it or you are going to push the children into something they may not want. The message you should be giving the give the children is that they don't have to go baxck if they don't want to and to the ex H that you are standing by ther kids......Its like the "if he's not having the kids he has to pay more maintenance" thing. I mean how does that work? He refuses to pay so she makes the kids go there?