Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So he's just left me

176 replies

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 30/05/2025 23:21

Had an affair a year ago, I wanted to try, we have kids and I love him. He was desperate to try again. Now he says he can't live a lie any longer and it's over. I just invested all my inheritance in a big extension, just finished the kids new bedrooms, they are going to be so so destroyed. Can only seem to think of practical things, numb, hot, cold, shaking, don't even know where to start. Already texted my old boss for my job back but that's highly unlikely. I'm such an idiot, we decided I'd be a SAHM so now I'm just absolutely fucked, will spend my life in a two bed semi while he jets off round the globe with the latest pretty young thing (there is another one of course). I actually cannot believe this is my life!

OP posts:
category12 · 30/05/2025 23:23

Sorry op.

Are you married?

TheyreLikeUsButRichAndThin · 30/05/2025 23:25

Who had the affair, you or him? Not that it helps really, just puts the SAHM decision in a different light.
Im sorry OP!

Devianinc · 30/05/2025 23:36

Sounds like he was just waiting to get even. I hope that’s not the case cause that would be an evil calculated revenge. I hope you have some bigger claim on your home now that you invested so much of your money into it. Good luck to you. I feel terrible for you and your children. You’ll someway, somehow get through it. I’m so sorry.

TeenLifeMum · 30/05/2025 23:40

I’m confused who had the affair.

Why on earth did you decide to be a sahm? His timing feels very calculated to break you at your weakest. You’ll be okay and come back stronger but get yourself a shit hot solicitor.

Renabrook · 30/05/2025 23:44

Good grief you made your decisions but why on earth take him back, anyone you can't go back now just keep it all as simple as possible and be there for your children

Original poster
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 31/05/2025 00:50

Sorry, he had the affair. I always wanted to stay home with the kids, clearly it was stupid but I guess it works for other people so I thought it would work for us. I took him back because I desperately didn't want our lives turned upside down. I love him (obviously also stupid) but feeling clearly not mutual now! I have very little pension, he has family business that would have been our pension. Oh Jesus I'm so screwed, but mostly god my poor kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 31/05/2025 00:50

Oh and yes we are married.

OP posts:
WilfredsPies · 31/05/2025 00:55

Assuming it’s him who had the affair, you need legal advice. The best you can get and as quickly as possible. Have any of your friends or friends of friends gotten divorced and done fairly well out of it? You need to find out who they used. I know it’s hard, but the time to fall apart and grieve is when the war is won. It won’t seem like it now, but he has done you a favour and you will see this when you come out the other side of this.

And yes, you’re married. So any thoughts he has of jet setting round the world with some dolly bird while you’re in a council flat wondering if you can scrape up enough to treat the DC to an ice cream are going to need to be put on hold to see if a Judge agrees.

Original poster
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 31/05/2025 00:59

Thanks @WilfredsPies , we are very cash poor at the moment so paying for a lawyer will be hard. I barely scrape to the end of the month to be honest. He'll be promoted in a couple of years, very well timed really to get me out of the way before his wages fly up! He has capital coming in around September too, though he'll be able to delay that I'm sure to keep it out of the reckoning. I have no pension!! I need a job asap that's the priority, he's not going to like his half of the school runs! I have no chance of keeping the house have I.

OP posts:
JudgeBread · 31/05/2025 01:05

Oh dear, hindsight is 20/20 of course but it sounds like you took a lot of big leaps on very unstable ground - big life changes so soon after an affair is dangerous territory.

I'm sorry he's pulled the rug out like this though when it sounds like you were hoping to heal, what a shitbag. At least you're married so you have that legal protection. From friends who've been through similar, the first few months suck the hardest, you'll just be in survival mode trying to get through the logistics and grieve and do all the mental gymnastics that come with a breakup. But you'll come out the other side ok eventually.

For now, deep breaths, compartmentalise what you can, stay as steady as you're able to for your kids, and get yourself a shit hot family law solicitor.

💐

Original poster
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 31/05/2025 01:11

thanks @JudgeBread, the extension had been planned for so long, I was so looking forward to it, I let my judgment be swayed by the nice choice, I think that's a problem of mine! I can't afford a shit hot lawyer sadly, I know it would come out of the pot eventually but I have zero savings left after the extension! It's my own fault, he waved a few red flags early days but he's such a good talker. I was so excited and carried away with the dream.

OP posts:
WilfredsPies · 31/05/2025 01:12

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 31/05/2025 00:59

Thanks @WilfredsPies , we are very cash poor at the moment so paying for a lawyer will be hard. I barely scrape to the end of the month to be honest. He'll be promoted in a couple of years, very well timed really to get me out of the way before his wages fly up! He has capital coming in around September too, though he'll be able to delay that I'm sure to keep it out of the reckoning. I have no pension!! I need a job asap that's the priority, he's not going to like his half of the school runs! I have no chance of keeping the house have I.

Don’t rule it out just yet; it depends completely on your circumstances. I’m not a lawyer so don’t want to go giving you a load of incorrect information that I’ve just read about elsewhere, but prioritising a bloody good solicitor is the best advice I can give you. Do you have any family who could help out with a loan? Do you have anything you could sell? Engagement ring? I’d contact the utility companies, tell them your husband has left you with nothing and ask for a payment plan, just to get a couple of extra quid for a consultation. Even if they put you on a payg meter, you can come off it when you’re back working. Can you get a mortgage break for a month? (I don’t have a mortgage so no idea if that’s even a thing, but just mentioning it in case it’s possible).

Also, don’t trust him to do right by you or take his word for it that he’ll do anything that doesn’t have a court order attached to it. This man is not your friend and he will see you go hungry if given the choice between him and you.

Original poster
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 31/05/2025 01:16

You're absolutely right @WilfredsPies, I saw it happen to a friend of mine, he became a different human overnight. He's still paying mortgage and bills at the moment but it won't last of course, he's still in the house atm but I'm sure will move in with OW asap. I can ask my mum to help with a lawyer, but I am in fact a lawyer myself (very lapsed now like the twat I am) so might be able to get advice from friends colleagues. Sadly I didn't do a family seat!

OP posts:
Verydemure · 31/05/2025 01:24

As pps have said, judges don’t like a big discrepancy in living arrangements. They much prefer an equal distribution, so you’ll be on good ground. You’ll leave the marriage with similar amounts and as you’re main carer quite a lot of child maintenance

you might be entitled to spousal maintenance

If he owns the business, then you’re entitled to a share of that- so you could get 50% of it.

september is only 3 months away. It takes way longer to get divorced so it will be included.

and get a consultation with a solicitor. One hour with a good one will be few hundred quid. But they’ll lay it out for you.

WilfredsPies · 31/05/2025 01:27

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 31/05/2025 01:16

You're absolutely right @WilfredsPies, I saw it happen to a friend of mine, he became a different human overnight. He's still paying mortgage and bills at the moment but it won't last of course, he's still in the house atm but I'm sure will move in with OW asap. I can ask my mum to help with a lawyer, but I am in fact a lawyer myself (very lapsed now like the twat I am) so might be able to get advice from friends colleagues. Sadly I didn't do a family seat!

Talk to your mum as soon as it’s a decent hour and tell her what he’s done. Ask her for as much support as you can give.

And you qualified once. It might take you a while, but you are more than capable of qualifying again. Plus you have the advantage of being familiar with filling in a million different forms and not getting confused by legalese. If you can’t afford a lawyer, then he can’t either. Accept favours from anywhere you can get them.

He is the turd on your rug and he has tried to fuck you over. But he has vastly underestimated you. You qualified in law ffs. You didn’t get there by rolling over and accepting that it was going to get the better of you. And you’re not going to lose everything you currently have simply because he’s a cunt. Once this is over, you can collapse and cry yourself to sleep every night for 6 months, if that’s how long it takes. But right now, you need to remember the focus you know you are capable of and use it to kick his fucking arse. Make him rue the day he thought he could treat you like a door mat and make your DC homeless. End him!

WilfredsPies · 31/05/2025 01:30

Ooh, and go through every bit of paperwork you can find. You need copies of it all. Let him underestimate you. You gave him that second chance and he fucked it. Let him see exactly how much ice cold fury a woman scorned is capable of.

Devianinc · 31/05/2025 01:31

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 31/05/2025 01:16

You're absolutely right @WilfredsPies, I saw it happen to a friend of mine, he became a different human overnight. He's still paying mortgage and bills at the moment but it won't last of course, he's still in the house atm but I'm sure will move in with OW asap. I can ask my mum to help with a lawyer, but I am in fact a lawyer myself (very lapsed now like the twat I am) so might be able to get advice from friends colleagues. Sadly I didn't do a family seat!

I have to ask you why you gave away your power if you were a lawyer. It doesn’t make sense. Years of law school and test and you just gave that up. I might be mad if I had married you as money making lawyer who decided not to work anymore. Was that a mutual decision. Seems a very weird decision to make

Original poster
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 31/05/2025 01:31

Thanks so much @WilfredsPies.
thats cracked through the numbness though and now I'm crying! Probably for the best.

OP posts:
Devianinc · 31/05/2025 01:35

She’s a lawyer so I’m sure she knows what to do

WilfredsPies · 31/05/2025 01:37

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 31/05/2025 01:31

Thanks so much @WilfredsPies.
thats cracked through the numbness though and now I'm crying! Probably for the best.

I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. I wanted to make that anger kick in. Not the hot headed, cut up all his clothes anger, but the ice cold, destroy his life in an entirely legal way anger.

I think you’ve forgotten who you are. He did not make you. You are strong, you are capable and you are going to secure your future so you can care for your DC and not have to keep working til you drop. Let him think that you’re just going to sit back and accept his shit. He won’t even see you coming. Tell him nothing. Kick his arse!

Original poster
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 31/05/2025 01:39

Devianinc · 31/05/2025 01:31

I have to ask you why you gave away your power if you were a lawyer. It doesn’t make sense. Years of law school and test and you just gave that up. I might be mad if I had married you as money making lawyer who decided not to work anymore. Was that a mutual decision. Seems a very weird decision to make

Show quote history

Because I didn't enjoy being a lawyer and I'm an optimist (aka idiot). It was a very mutual decision, in fact I've suggested getting back to work several times over the years and he's vehemently objected. I loved my little life so I just let it carry on. We're both deluded idiots essentially! I went into law because I can absorb and interpret large amounts of information and draft very effective contracts, and argue pretty well. Ignored reason in my personal life though! I brought plenty of capital to the equation, all sunk in the house now sadly!

OP posts:
Devianinc · 31/05/2025 01:40

Okay

Original poster
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 31/05/2025 01:40

WilfredsPies · 31/05/2025 01:37

I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you. I wanted to make that anger kick in. Not the hot headed, cut up all his clothes anger, but the ice cold, destroy his life in an entirely legal way anger.

I think you’ve forgotten who you are. He did not make you. You are strong, you are capable and you are going to secure your future so you can care for your DC and not have to keep working til you drop. Let him think that you’re just going to sit back and accept his shit. He won’t even see you coming. Tell him nothing. Kick his arse!

Show quote history

Not at all @WilfredsPies, it's bloody nice to feel buoyed up right now, thank you.

OP posts:
WilfredsPies · 31/05/2025 01:43

Devianinc · 31/05/2025 01:35

She’s a lawyer so I’m sure she knows what to do

That’s so insightful Devianinc. First you point out where she’s gone wrong, like she’s got access to a Time Machine and can chase the mistakes she hadn’t realised she’d made, and then you try and discourage others from reminding her that she can, in fact, cope with anything this man tries to throw at her. Because, as we all know, being a lawyer means that you’re completely immune to having a crisis of confidence. You’re very wise. Tell me, have you ever thought about going into counselling? You’d be just the ticket for anyone who needs reminding that they do have options.

Devianinc · 31/05/2025 01:47

WilfredsPies · 31/05/2025 01:43

That’s so insightful Devianinc. First you point out where she’s gone wrong, like she’s got access to a Time Machine and can chase the mistakes she hadn’t realised she’d made, and then you try and discourage others from reminding her that she can, in fact, cope with anything this man tries to throw at her. Because, as we all know, being a lawyer means that you’re completely immune to having a crisis of confidence. You’re very wise. Tell me, have you ever thought about going into counselling? You’d be just the ticket for anyone who needs reminding that they do have options.

Show quote history

Thank you, I thought so