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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So he's just left me

176 replies

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 30/05/2025 23:21

Had an affair a year ago, I wanted to try, we have kids and I love him. He was desperate to try again. Now he says he can't live a lie any longer and it's over. I just invested all my inheritance in a big extension, just finished the kids new bedrooms, they are going to be so so destroyed. Can only seem to think of practical things, numb, hot, cold, shaking, don't even know where to start. Already texted my old boss for my job back but that's highly unlikely. I'm such an idiot, we decided I'd be a SAHM so now I'm just absolutely fucked, will spend my life in a two bed semi while he jets off round the globe with the latest pretty young thing (there is another one of course). I actually cannot believe this is my life!

OP posts:
Devianinc · 31/05/2025 01:49

Devianinc · 31/05/2025 01:47

Thank you, I thought so

Thank you wise one, I’ll put your advice in my pocket for later viewing. You’re so much smarter than me. I’ll have to remember that.

CouldHaveToldYouSo · 31/05/2025 01:56

@WilfredsPies

Wow! You’re very good! Are you a lawyer or is this just life experience?

OP, listen to this poster!!!
and I’m so sorry this is happening to you and your children. Some people are complete and utter bastards.
I wish you all the very best 🌺

Devianinc · 31/05/2025 01:58

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Devianinc · 31/05/2025 01:59

And look in the mirror

randoname · 31/05/2025 01:59

Devianinc · 31/05/2025 01:35

She’s a lawyer so I’m sure she knows what to do

I’m not at all sure. Different speciality maybe.
@YesThatsATurdOnTheRug lawyer up. Seriously.

Devianinc · 31/05/2025 02:02

randoname · 31/05/2025 01:59

I’m not at all sure. Different speciality maybe.
@YesThatsATurdOnTheRug lawyer up. Seriously.

Friends in the field

Devianinc · 31/05/2025 02:05

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Devianinc · 31/05/2025 02:13

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YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 31/05/2025 02:20

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Just AS my username, it's all sadly laid out over the past couple of years!

OP posts:
WilfredsPies · 31/05/2025 02:25

@CouldHaveToldYouSo
😂Thank you, but I have a handful of GCSEs, two mediocre A levels and a typing qualification. Definitely not a lawyer!

@Devianinc Is that why you’re responding the way you are? Because you think she’s a bot? I think you owe her an apology if you AS’d her.

ForeverPombear · 31/05/2025 02:27

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Report it then if you don't believe it.

Devianinc · 31/05/2025 02:32

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Devianinc · 31/05/2025 02:34

And I mean everyone knows that marriage isn’t forever anymore

pikkumyy77 · 31/05/2025 02:34

Because people get married all the time and plan on being a SAHP for some time? How hard is it to grasp that this happens?

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 31/05/2025 02:39

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Because I hated my job. Yes I worked hard for my career but that was because I had to, it was expected of me. I never valued it. I hated the 9-5 (8-7 in reality) the desk, the aircon, the pressure. I much preferred hanging out with my babies! I just didn't ever really believe he'd leave me, he felt like family to me, my person. We had our issues but I was totally blown away by the affair. I didn't want to put my one year old in nursery to go back to five days a week of hating my existence, on the what felt like very far off and vague risk that it would all go tits up.

OP posts:
Devianinc · 31/05/2025 02:42

pikkumyy77 · 31/05/2025 02:34

Because people get married all the time and plan on being a SAHP for some time? How hard is it to grasp that this happens?

Edited

Not when you have that kind of career but I’m not getting into the semantics with you. Bye

WilfredsPies · 31/05/2025 02:47

@YesThatsATurdOnTheRug

You don’t need to explain yourself to some random on the internet. If she’s not paying your bills, then her negative opinions don’t matter. You’ve already told her why you made that decision. As I said before, you haven’t got a Time Machine so she can’t get her head around it, that’s her problem, not yours. Do not let her bring you back down!

Devianinc · 31/05/2025 02:48

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 31/05/2025 02:39

Because I hated my job. Yes I worked hard for my career but that was because I had to, it was expected of me. I never valued it. I hated the 9-5 (8-7 in reality) the desk, the aircon, the pressure. I much preferred hanging out with my babies! I just didn't ever really believe he'd leave me, he felt like family to me, my person. We had our issues but I was totally blown away by the affair. I didn't want to put my one year old in nursery to go back to five days a week of hating my existence, on the what felt like very far off and vague risk that it would all go tits up.

I kind of get it but can you get back in the field you were in. And I’m only saying this bc you have to get out of his control and now make a life for yourself. I don’t think you have any other choice. I’m sorry for your heartbreak. I know, been there but it sounds like you have a solid foundation under you with your education so turn it around and tell him you don’t need him anymore.

Devianinc · 31/05/2025 02:50

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JustCopyeditorsAnnie · 31/05/2025 03:06

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Devianinc · 31/05/2025 03:15

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That is some major great advice.

UncharteredWaters · 31/05/2025 03:34

If you have a joint bank account get that money moved now before he does. It can float you for now and be sorted later.

Renabrook · 31/05/2025 04:31

UncharteredWaters · 31/05/2025 03:34

If you have a joint bank account get that money moved now before he does. It can float you for now and be sorted later.

So stealing half the money you mean?

ItsNotMeEither · 31/05/2025 04:48

Hindsight, blah, blah! Yes, it would have been nice, but, let’s deal with the reality.

You actually sound pretty sensible to me OP. You’ve read the writing on the wall, you’re not playing the ‘pick me’ card, so, time to pull on those big girl pants.

You’ve already contacted your old employer, so you’ve made a start. The trick will be to line those bloody ducks up as fast as you can. If the old employer can’t give you a job, ask them for a glowing reference.

Sort out your CV. Run it through AI for tips and tweaking. Update your linked in, send the CV off to recruiters and follow up with calls. One of the best things here is that you do have some decent earning potential. When you do start working, get onto that NI and sort your own pension plan out. My mum was a single parent, so while I have four kids, I’ve always worked full time as the importance of standing on my own two feet was drummed into me. You may not love being a lawyer, but it pays better than cleaning toilets and sometimes you’ve just got to do what you’ve got to do. If you need wrap around care for the kids for a while, make sure the ex is paying half of this.

Find all the paperwork and hire a shit hot lawyer. You say you can’t afford it, but as a lawyer yourself, you should know that you also can’t afford not to do this. This about how you would advise your best friend.

I’m sure that you’re hurt and devastated, but for now, time for a bit of anger while you sort out the practicalities of getting through this. Going back to law will get you through, you can always change careers again later, but for now, play all your skills to your advantage. You’ve got this!

Frostiesflakes · 31/05/2025 05:19

Renabrook · 31/05/2025 04:31

So stealing half the money you mean?

You can’t steal what is yours
and a joint account belongs to both of you
so she could legally take the whole amount and he husband could do nothing as he’s not theft

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