Page 6 | So he's just left me

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 2025-05-30T22:21:46+00:00

Had an affair a year ago, I wanted to try, we have kids and I love him. He was desperate to try again. Now he says he can't live a lie any longer and it's over. I just invested all my inheritance in a big extension, just finished the kids new bedrooms, they are going to be so so destroyed. Can only seem to think of practical things, numb, hot, cold, shaking, don't even know where to start. Already texted my old boss for my job back but that's highly unlikely. I'm such an idiot, we decided I'd be a SAHM so now I'm just absolutely fucked, will spend my life in a two bed semi while he jets off round the globe with the latest pretty young thing (there is another one of course). I actually cannot believe this is my life!

lisaolay · 31/05/2025 13:46

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 31/05/2025 01:39

Because I didn't enjoy being a lawyer and I'm an optimist (aka idiot). It was a very mutual decision, in fact I've suggested getting back to work several times over the years and he's vehemently objected. I loved my little life so I just let it carry on. We're both deluded idiots essentially! I went into law because I can absorb and interpret large amounts of information and draft very effective contracts, and argue pretty well. Ignored reason in my personal life though! I brought plenty of capital to the equation, all sunk in the house now sadly!

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You are clearly a very bright person if anyone can make this work for your kids you can. Sounds to me like your self esteem is on the floor. I am managing it just working an office job. I only have one child but he was gone by the time she was 2. I can tell you hand on heart my daughter would have been way more emotionally damaged had her father been in her life full time. It was totally for the best and it will be for you once you work through it all. I felt like I was floundering at sea it was an awful time.

WilfredsPies · 31/05/2025 13:48

OP, I hope you’ve had a chance to read and digest the comments above. With one notable exception, every single one is from a clever and supportive woman who believes that you are far from fucked, that there is a future for you, and that when this is over and you’ve had a chance to grieve for the life you thought you were going to have, you are going to be not just fine, but really, really good.

I hope you’ve managed to get some sleep and that you’ve woken up feeling less hopeless. Don’t forget to take care of yourself too. You need a decent sleep each night, just as much as your DC do, and you need to keep your vitamins up, especially your iron levels. And make sure you’re drinking lots of water too. You need to make sure you’re fighting fit.

Now, get your boots on and remind this piece of shit exactly who you are!

Sheepsheeps · 31/05/2025 13:51

pikkumyy77 · 31/05/2025 13:44

It is not true that she is protected in any way until the children are 18. It us also not trye that solicitor s will offer 30 minutes free advice. Its commonly stated as fact but doubtful. As an ex solicitor herself OP might have better luck in the first instance doing some research on her own or going through professional channels to get help and advice.

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Obviously every case is taken on its own individual merits, however, speaking from personal experience and unfortunately many of my friends who have been in similar situations, this has been a very common outcome so it is very plausible and not an unlikely situation!
I am just trying to offer some much needed moral support to the OP who clearly is in a bad way. I really don't think coming on here and saying, 'good luck, you could end up with fuck all, no roof over your head and completely broke' would have been very helpful at this point in time do you?!

JollyGreenSleeves · 31/05/2025 14:04

You sound lovely, he is obviously a prick but on the plus side you qualified as a lawyer! You’re kick ass, you can do this, the kids will be fine as long as you are. You’re hurt now but in time you’ll see what a loser he is. He did you a favour didn’t he? Now you won’t spend any more of your precious life on him. He isn’t worth it.

lisaolay · 31/05/2025 14:13

JollyGreenSleeves · 31/05/2025 14:04

You sound lovely, he is obviously a prick but on the plus side you qualified as a lawyer! You’re kick ass, you can do this, the kids will be fine as long as you are. You’re hurt now but in time you’ll see what a loser he is. He did you a favour didn’t he? Now you won’t spend any more of your precious life on him. He isn’t worth it.

That’s so true. My ex is absolute bell end i was in a dire situation now i thank my lucky stars someone else is dealing with him. I feel absolutely nothing towards him except mild irritation at the ways he keeps trying slime his way out of child support. It took time
of course and I don’t have the life I had envisioned but a better one without him making it miserable.

Original poster

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 31/05/2025 15:35

34yearsinthedarkness · 31/05/2025 11:17

I’m really sorry- I just left my 34 year abusive marriage at 58 and I know it’s not quite the same but I’ve left in literally what I stand up in to an emergency place of safety leaving him in the beautiful house I invested my inheritance too to buy it outright.
I have absolutely no access to money because he messed up our money and I’m genuinely starving, I have nothing for food. it’s that bad.He just lost his job and we have massive joint/ my own debts and are on benefits and use a food bank. I never imagined this for myself at 58 but you have a lot of life to live and your children to care for and we both have to take it one day at a time.
Im going to have to declare myself homeless on Monday and try to work out how to get to work. I left my car which is in my name but he pays for it ( He also has my phone contract he pays for so I’m pretty sure he’ll cut this off too ) no friends and only my grown up daughter and grandson nearish and they are struggling too have no space and can’t help.
i know I’m going to live somewhere I don’t want to be ( at all!) but in my case I’m going to have to suck it up- I’m sat in a hotel room til Monday morning and get a DA charity to help me.
I can only imagine how it is for you with dependent children, it must be awful.
Ive learned here though that people can and do survive because sometimes there’s no choice.
Get all the help you can from any family or friends, I have neither because of my husband but I can be be strong and resilient- we all can.
i can’t believe this is my life either , sending love and solidarity x

My god, I'm so so sorry. That makes my situation look like a walk in the park. I just had a really good chat with my old boss and she's going to talk to someone about a potential role for me. She's also talking to a partner in the family division. I'm incredibly lucky to have such supportive friends, and to have this thread, it genuinely calms my shaking/panicking.

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Original poster

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 31/05/2025 15:36

JollyGreenSleeves · 31/05/2025 14:04

You sound lovely, he is obviously a prick but on the plus side you qualified as a lawyer! You’re kick ass, you can do this, the kids will be fine as long as you are. You’re hurt now but in time you’ll see what a loser he is. He did you a favour didn’t he? Now you won’t spend any more of your precious life on him. He isn’t worth it.

Thank you. Really thank you. I've let that part of me slide but I need to get it back, and I know I can.

OP posts:

Original poster

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 31/05/2025 15:38

WilfredsPies · 31/05/2025 13:48

OP, I hope you’ve had a chance to read and digest the comments above. With one notable exception, every single one is from a clever and supportive woman who believes that you are far from fucked, that there is a future for you, and that when this is over and you’ve had a chance to grieve for the life you thought you were going to have, you are going to be not just fine, but really, really good.

I hope you’ve managed to get some sleep and that you’ve woken up feeling less hopeless. Don’t forget to take care of yourself too. You need a decent sleep each night, just as much as your DC do, and you need to keep your vitamins up, especially your iron levels. And make sure you’re drinking lots of water too. You need to make sure you’re fighting fit.

Now, get your boots on and remind this piece of shit exactly who you are!

Zero sleep but not hopeless. Waves of terror and constant nausea but this thread and talking to my boss is really pulling up my big girl pants. He is a serious millstone, and he will sink me if I let him, so I need to cut him loose.

OP posts:

BiggySwish · 31/05/2025 15:44

Yes @YesThatsATurdOnTheRug hang onto that fire. Awful as it is, this could be the making of you. You are doing absolutely brilliantly, keep going.

Original poster

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 31/05/2025 15:48

Jewel52 · 31/05/2025 11:03

Please do not feel that you need to defend your life. You made considered choices that worked at that time and in conjunction with someone you believed had your family’s best interests at heart. Things change and you’re a capable person who will adapt and move forward.

From experience of a similar situation I would focus on 2 things:

The money - people who are planning to leave will prepare to shaft you financially. Look for paperwork, check bank accounts and take photos of everything

Legal representation - be careful of hiring a hot shot lawyer. Bigger does not mean better. I overpaid for a partner in a large law firm who, I discovered too late, didn’t seem aware of critical law e.g child maintenance clauses with Financial Agreements are legally binding for 1 year only, after this the payer can appeal to child maintenance for those payments to be reconsidered. Smaller law firms will treat you as an individual and not need to make so much money from each client.

Can you prove your inheritance was spent on the house? If so, you will have a claim for a larger equity share.

Be careful of commitments early on to share custody/night stays with your children as he will be advised that this considerably reduces maintenance.

Your worries with regard to pension - are you sure he doesn’t have one? Otherwise you will need to look at his investments, company shares etc as these will be a matrimonial asset.

The best piece of advice you have been given on here is to recognise this man as your enemy. You can be sad and mourn the marriage when you’re in a more secure space.

You are going to be fine.

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He does have one of sorts, but it's pretty small, all the paperwork is in our filing cabinet so I'm going to scan it all onto my phone later, thank you.

I am definitely feeling very much like he's against me now. He feels like a stranger. I'm being very civil and very practical.

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GiantSaucepan · 31/05/2025 16:32

Do you claim child benefit @YesThatsATurdOnTheRug as that will count towards your state pension? If not, apply right now. https://www.gov.uk/child-benefit

Well done for speaking to your boss - if there are any expensive training requirements to get you back up to speed / back into the job market you can always consider getting those costs covered as part of your divorce settlement.

You sound like a right bloody catch tbh and despite dealing with the heartache and your world imploding you’re reigniting that super woman within you. L He’ll look across in time and wonder who the fuck he was married to and what he threw away.

Child Benefit

Child Benefit - child benefit rates, eligibility, how to claim, child benefit claim form CH2.

https://www.gov.uk/child-benefit

Original poster

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 31/05/2025 16:38

GiantSaucepan · 31/05/2025 16:32

Do you claim child benefit @YesThatsATurdOnTheRug as that will count towards your state pension? If not, apply right now. https://www.gov.uk/child-benefit

Well done for speaking to your boss - if there are any expensive training requirements to get you back up to speed / back into the job market you can always consider getting those costs covered as part of your divorce settlement.

You sound like a right bloody catch tbh and despite dealing with the heartache and your world imploding you’re reigniting that super woman within you. L He’ll look across in time and wonder who the fuck he was married to and what he threw away.

Thank you, I have the claim active but don't get the money as my ex was over the threshold, will need to amend that! Thank you so much for buoying me up, honestly seriously makes a difference, makes me aware how long it's been since I heard things like that.

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GiantSaucepan · 31/05/2025 16:49

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 31/05/2025 16:38

Thank you, I have the claim active but don't get the money as my ex was over the threshold, will need to amend that! Thank you so much for buoying me up, honestly seriously makes a difference, makes me aware how long it's been since I heard things like that.

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Mate, you’re a qualified lawyer, you ploughed trust, love and lots of capital into into your family, you’ve renovated a house (while looking after small kids?), you’ve had your heartbroken and went back in for more to try and salvage things which isn’t for the faint hearted, you’ve been betrayed but you’re not catatonic at the bottom of an icecream tub, you’re proactively finding ways to build back a life for you and your dc, you’re listening non defensively to all the feedback in here, and you’ve got a cracking user name. What’s not to love??
I suspect your ex was a charmer, who loved your adoration and attention but clearly is and always was fundamentally unworthy of you. Whoever he’s run off with has just won the dog turd lottery.

lisaolay · 31/05/2025 16:59

GiantSaucepan · 31/05/2025 16:49

Mate, you’re a qualified lawyer, you ploughed trust, love and lots of capital into into your family, you’ve renovated a house (while looking after small kids?), you’ve had your heartbroken and went back in for more to try and salvage things which isn’t for the faint hearted, you’ve been betrayed but you’re not catatonic at the bottom of an icecream tub, you’re proactively finding ways to build back a life for you and your dc, you’re listening non defensively to all the feedback in here, and you’ve got a cracking user name. What’s not to love??
I suspect your ex was a charmer, who loved your adoration and attention but clearly is and always was fundamentally unworthy of you. Whoever he’s run off with has just won the dog turd lottery.

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Too rights, the person my ex went off with looks completely exhausted. I think she thought she’d won the prize but instead got a big man baby.

Dery · 31/05/2025 17:06

Just read and re-read @GiantSaucepan’s fabulous message on repeat!

This is horrible, OP, but you’ve got this.

LivingwithHopenowandforever · 31/05/2025 17:09

OP, just by reading your responses shows you are taking control. I do not think he even knows what is going to happen……the other posters are right he forgot you were a formidable woman before you became a mother. Your role changed but you as a fighter didn’t. You are a lawyer has he completely forgotten that?! Just you wait because when the penny drops I guarantee he will back asking for forgiveness.

Time to show him what happens when someone messes with the peace of your babies. You’ve got this OP 💪🏻 time to put your ducks in a row and show this complete wanker he should never have poked Mama Bear!!!!!!!

I sincerely hope you take him to the cleaners!

SoapyTW · 31/05/2025 17:20

I’d go for spousal maintenance (you’ll hear it’s rare as hens teeth. I was a banker and became SAHM. Because of the huge earning potential discrepancy I got loads more equity and a spousal for ten years. Pal of mine got life order. Can be done) and max CM. Don’t assume it will be 50:50 - as you will have children for majority you’ll surely need more of the equity. And don’t necessarily rush into a job asap: you need advice as this could backfire as you are more able to support yourself. I’d also be going for 50 per cent of pension during when you were together. Breathe OP. X

Bigoldmoneypit · 31/05/2025 17:23

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 31/05/2025 10:12

Sadly I was.

So much helpful advice everyone, thank you so much, I will check out the civil service and in house jobs. Anywhere will be a good start I can always work up.

The extension will definitely have increased the value. I'm just so sorry for my kids, they're so so proud and happy in their new rooms. I'll definitely try and hold on as long as I can.

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DFT Operator (the company that runs public railway services) are recruiting for lawyers at the moment. Can be anywhere, work from home etc

Original poster

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 31/05/2025 18:03

GiantSaucepan · 31/05/2025 16:49

Mate, you’re a qualified lawyer, you ploughed trust, love and lots of capital into into your family, you’ve renovated a house (while looking after small kids?), you’ve had your heartbroken and went back in for more to try and salvage things which isn’t for the faint hearted, you’ve been betrayed but you’re not catatonic at the bottom of an icecream tub, you’re proactively finding ways to build back a life for you and your dc, you’re listening non defensively to all the feedback in here, and you’ve got a cracking user name. What’s not to love??
I suspect your ex was a charmer, who loved your adoration and attention but clearly is and always was fundamentally unworthy of you. Whoever he’s run off with has just won the dog turd lottery.

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Thank you thank you thank you. There are some incredible and eloquent women on this thread, I'm so glad I started it.

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LivelyMintViper · 31/05/2025 18:15

Just look how you've grown since your first desolate post! You're adjusting and coping and there is a definite glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Well done lovely lady. Well done

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 31/05/2025 19:58

@YesThatsATurdOnTheRug remember to contact council for 25% discount on council tax and also cms immediately for child maintenance. he wont like that if he is a higher earner!! you need to fight to stay in the house till the children are 18!! take half the joint account too and copy every single financial document in the house. take your passport including childrens. take their birth certs and your marriage cert. and keep the proof that the house was renovated very recently using your inheritance. your husband probably planned that one!!

lisaolay · 31/05/2025 20:02

dottydodah · 31/05/2025 12:59

Firstly I think you need to stop beating yourself up.You have done nothing wrong at all! You are an intelligent woman ,who qualified as a Solicitor .But then found she didnt enjoy it all that much, and would rather be there for her DC.A decision many have made .I think if your DH has got inheritance money in September ,you would be due a share of that.Many settlements now include a share of the pension .The house will probably be split but you may have a bigger share with DC . You need legal advice on your position.Maybe you can pay instalments for your Lawyer or pay at the end out of your settlement. Hold your head high ,and know youre not at fault here

I am sure inherited money does not count in these situations. Could be wrong though.

creapie · 31/05/2025 20:30

Talk to a family solicitor. You can do nicely from this. I’m not saying take him to the cleaners but they are his kids too so he has to help provide for them. You have a claim on his pension too.

SoapyTW · 31/05/2025 21:18

lisaolay · 31/05/2025 20:02

I am sure inherited money does not count in these situations. Could be wrong though.

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If it’s commingled then it’s a marital asset.

SoapyTW · 31/05/2025 21:20

However, it would be relevant to extent to which he needs more equity to adequately house himself: if he can do it from his windfall, more available for you perhaps. Loads to discuss with your solicitor OP.

tell me - is he feeling guilt at the moment (in which case it’s a good idea to act quickly to capitalise on that)