So he's just left me

[YesThatsATurdOnTheRug]

Had an affair a year ago, I wanted to try, we have kids and I love him. He was desperate to try again. Now he says he can't live a lie any longer and it's over. I just invested all my inheritance in a big extension, just finished the kids new bedrooms, they are going to be so so destroyed. Can only seem to think of practical things, numb, hot, cold, shaking, don't even know where to start. Already texted my old boss for my job back but that's highly unlikely. I'm such an idiot, we decided I'd be a SAHM so now I'm just absolutely fucked, will spend my life in a two bed semi while he jets off round the globe with the latest pretty young thing (there is another one of course). I actually cannot believe this is my life!

Empty the joint accounts.
Get legal advice.

Also.

If your husband is self employed or paid in cash he will easily avoid cms. Right now you think he's a good dad. Even though he's in the midst of an affair. He won't do this - not to the children. He will.

Give it time, he'll be on reddit with the other dad's. Working out the best way to manage his company to avoid cms.

If he's an employee paid via PAYE and likely to remain this way - you have a reasonable chance of claiming cms.

Even then, you'll discover that it likely won't cover half the cost of childcare let alone anything else.

Get what you can in the divorce settlement. There are no guarantees later.

So the other thing to start planning is what custody arrangements you would prefer. How will this look financially?

Yes I think I agree. These things are so nuanced and any little decision you make now could have an unexpected adverse impact on the desired outcome. Absolutely agree first priority is to secure that legal advice. I see that one of the PP has asked you to DM her as well for possible contacts.

The business isn’t just his pension—it’s yours too. If you own it 50/50, that gives you significant leverage in the overall negotiation, especially when it comes to the house. This is particularly true if he’s not pursuing 50/50 shared custody and you’ll need to house the children adequately.

That said, try not to be too sentimental or hasty about clinging to the house. Yes, the kids love it, but you won’t be moving overnight, and you can recreate a lovely home for them elsewhere. There will be plenty of houses with just as nice bedrooms that you can make special in time. You might actually be better off selling the house, splitting the proceeds, and retaining your 50% share in the business—if that offers you greater financial security long term. A solicitor will be able to advise you in your game plan and whether going back to work right now benefits you or not. I wonder if there’s a bit of financial abuse at play here as well?
@YesThatsATurdOnTheRug

Alternatively, if your ex is desperate to keep the business (which many men are, because of ego and reputation), he might be willing to buy you out generously. I’ve seen this happen—it becomes a matter of pride for some. So don’t hold onto something for purely emotional reasons if being strategic and a little hard-headed might serve you and the kids better in the long run.

As others have said: sell your granny to afford a shit hot lawyer. Dig up everything you can about the business—this is exactly where things are most likely to have been hidden from you. Are you suspicious that he returned to “rebuild” the relationship just to buy time and get his financial ducks in a row? If so, there’s a decent chance he’s done something shady with the business finances. You may need a forensic accountant.

You say you’re an optimist—and clearly, you’re a smart woman. That combination will serve you well in this awful situation. Just keep looking ahead. Trust your instincts, and don’t take him at his word. See him for what he is: an untrustworthy shithead who will screw you over if you let him.

You are going to be so so much better off in the long run, but it’s going to hurt for a long time so look after yourself 💕

Hey OP, I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I just wanted to chuck a suggestion in though, I work in charity legacy administration and it’s a niche industry that a legal background helps a lot to secure a good spot. It’s more family friendly and mostly positions are WFH (and it pays well). Have a look and see if that would work for you, there’s agencies who could offer freelance work pretty easily and quickly and it could help get you on your feet while you decide your next steps.

I chucked my XH out after he cheated and I tripled my salary in 7 years, kept our house and I’m now so much better than I was before - there’s definitely light at the end of the tunnel even if it doesn’t feel like it right now xx

Please do not feel that you need to defend your life. You made considered choices that worked at that time and in conjunction with someone you believed had your family’s best interests at heart. Things change and you’re a capable person who will adapt and move forward.

From experience of a similar situation I would focus on 2 things:

The money - people who are planning to leave will prepare to shaft you financially. Look for paperwork, check bank accounts and take photos of everything

Legal representation - be careful of hiring a hot shot lawyer. Bigger does not mean better. I overpaid for a partner in a large law firm who, I discovered too late, didn’t seem aware of critical law e.g child maintenance clauses with Financial Agreements are legally binding for 1 year only, after this the payer can appeal to child maintenance for those payments to be reconsidered. Smaller law firms will treat you as an individual and not need to make so much money from each client.

Can you prove your inheritance was spent on the house? If so, you will have a claim for a larger equity share.

Be careful of commitments early on to share custody/night stays with your children as he will be advised that this considerably reduces maintenance.

Your worries with regard to pension - are you sure he doesn’t have one? Otherwise you will need to look at his investments, company shares etc as these will be a matrimonial asset.

The best piece of advice you have been given on here is to recognise this man as your enemy. You can be sad and mourn the marriage when you’re in a more secure space.

You are going to be fine.

I’m really sorry- I just left my 34 year abusive marriage at 58 and I know it’s not quite the same but I’ve left in literally what I stand up in to an emergency place of safety leaving him in the beautiful house I invested my inheritance too to buy it outright.
I have absolutely no access to money because he messed up our money and I’m genuinely starving, I have nothing for food. it’s that bad.He just lost his job and we have massive joint/ my own debts and are on benefits and use a food bank. I never imagined this for myself at 58 but you have a lot of life to live and your children to care for and we both have to take it one day at a time.
Im going to have to declare myself homeless on Monday and try to work out how to get to work. I left my car which is in my name but he pays for it ( He also has my phone contract he pays for so I’m pretty sure he’ll cut this off too ) no friends and only my grown up daughter and grandson nearish and they are struggling too have no space and can’t help.
i know I’m going to live somewhere I don’t want to be ( at all!) but in my case I’m going to have to suck it up- I’m sat in a hotel room til Monday morning and get a DA charity to help me.
I can only imagine how it is for you with dependent children, it must be awful.
Ive learned here though that people can and do survive because sometimes there’s no choice.
Get all the help you can from any family or friends, I have neither because of my husband but I can be be strong and resilient- we all can.
i can’t believe this is my life either , sending love and solidarity x

I have a sporadic cash in hand job so will not get paid this week as I can’t get there next week.

I am so sorry you are going through this OP. It sounds as though you tried incredibly hard to make it work against the odds so you should have no regrets. I just wanted to say that you will get through this one step at a time.
My life imploded when my kids were little and I focused on keeping them in their home for one year so that they didn’t have to go through too many changes all at once (if this is not possible for you, that’s obviously fine). Many years later, I am still in our house and my children have grown up into wonderful people who have not been defined by what happened. In many ways, that crisis made us all into better, stronger and kinder people. At the time, I remember feeling that we were all doomed and I didn’t know how I could get through the week, but it was a turning point towards a much better life for all of us.
You sound strong and you are clearly prioritising your children. You will do this for them. I wish you all the best 🥰

Think practically. The marriage wasn't working, hasn't worked. Now, you need to think about your future. Get back to work asap. You deserve better than this man, and never compare yourself to him. You might think that you have lost, living in a smaller house, but you're the winner, really. You have done everything you can to build a marriage, he fucked it up. Right, next move. You will get your power back, and it starts today. You have the potential to be happier than you ever were with him. I am divorced and my marriage was awful but my divorce was a sign that this was where I got my life back again. It's been a decade now and I couldn't be happier. Single, living in my own two-bed house, which I am so proud of. Lovely (tiny) garden, all my things, happy daughter. I couldn't pity my ex-h more. And would be even happier if I never had to interact with him ever again. Be proud of your small house, hold your head up high, rebuild your career and enjoy being a mother, without the chaos that comes of living with someone who doesn't care about you. Start caring for you, today.

don’t focus on your house , you can move and make a new home for you & your children , I held on to mine for too long , moving was the best thing we ever did. It’ll be your own home , and don’t let him over the doorstep.

Has someone said STI check? Also, you’re brain hasn’t fallen out as a SAHM, you can work and be successful.. we all believe in you on here..

I was a SAHP for twenty years—then retooled and now have a good job while my dh retired. If there is enough money and the relationship is solid its a perfectly viable choice.

Even if you have to cook a stinky fish, leave dirty laundry everywhere, whatever you have to do, don’t make the house sale all plain sailing for him. Don’t do anything proactive regarding the sale. I’ve managed to stave off a house sale for years by being totally non active (he doesn’t live here (obviously) and doesn’t have a key). If he doesn’t legally have to have a key once he moves out don’t give him one (change the locks if it’s allowed). Make it the most protracted house sale you can if you don’t want to leave yet.

Sometimes it’s not the right time to leave. In my situation I do want to sell (but not yet) as I want a house that is just mine without his name on it too, so I totally get you, but only half the house proceeds means I can’t afford to buy a place where I currently live and will have to be one of those people who move across the country to a place I don’t know but is more affordable. I will do that but not yet.

If OP can get back into law and earn good money it won’t be such an issue for her but it is painful to have make your children leave their home because dad is a selfish arsehole.

I don't want to derail OP's thread, but it stood out to me that you say you've got no friends and family because of your DH. If you have contact details, can you contact any of them and let them know you've left the bastard? Two of my friends did this in the last decade after many years of not speaking due to their shithead husbands and in both cases we were able to pick up where we left off.

He is an absolute idiot; quite agree with PPs- get angry and make sure you get all the advice you need to secure your future. You won’t need to move for a bit, so the kids will be fine for a few months at the very least. You will honestly be better off without this poor excuse of a man who is self indulgently abandoning his responsibilities. You can do it, and the kids will be fine; it’s just a different future from what you expected…

A lot of the SAHM on Mumsnet who rely on their husbands for their financial survival , relationship is “solid”, until it’s not . Then they get shafted . These posts pop up every day but still women still put all their trust in their relationships without having a Plan B .

Don’t rush to sell the house OP. Take everything step by step.

You're getting lots of great advice on here. so just wanted to add, You CAN emerge in a better, stronger position. You will go onto make an absolutely wonderful life for you and your children.

Be very aware that when he sees you once again earning, in control, living your best life, as the woman he met and fell in love with all those years ago, he will very likely come crawling back claiming to have seen the error of his ways, 'I had to lose you to realise how much I loved you' etc etc. I hope you laugh in his face and tell him you 'can't live a lie'. Lots of these men do come back. and even if he doesn't, you will be too busy living your brilliant new life to care.

Wish you all the best @YesThatsATurdOnTheRug

Firstly I think you need to stop beating yourself up.You have done nothing wrong at all! You are an intelligent woman ,who qualified as a Solicitor .But then found she didnt enjoy it all that much, and would rather be there for her DC.A decision many have made .I think if your DH has got inheritance money in September ,you would be due a share of that.Many settlements now include a share of the pension .The house will probably be split but you may have a bigger share with DC . You need legal advice on your position.Maybe you can pay instalments for your Lawyer or pay at the end out of your settlement. Hold your head high ,and know youre not at fault here

Hi,
Just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear this.
First of all, please try not to panic! You are married which means you are protected very well until your children are at least 18yrs old.
You can get 30mins free legal advice from most solicitors so get signed up to one ASAP.
Classic mumsnet- get your ducks in a row immediately. This means get copies or originals of EVERYTHING! bank statements, pensions, savings accounts, wages slips of his etc. Make sure you keep birth certificates, passports etc for children and that child support is in your name not his.
If you have any joint accounts, I suggest YOU transfer money straight into your own personal account before he drains it first.
DO NOT LET HIM KNOW ABOUT THIS IF YOU CAN. He will try and hide as much as possible.
Under no circumstances do you move out. He cannot force you to move out or sell up if the children are living with you in the marital home. Do not listen to any threats he makes about this.
You will be entitled to at least half his pension, potential future inheritance and wage increases if you can prove that by being a SAHM had a negative impact on your future earning potential and pension.
Make sure you go for spousal maintenance.
Your solicitor will be able to advise you appropriately of all of the above and its not a given but it's helpful to know that you are potentially entitled to a fair bit of his worth xx

I had a plan B.

As a lawyer you know that a judgement can be made for you to stay in the family home (UK law). With a clean break the assets will be divided and what you put in for the extension will generally be awarded to you on top of any settlement.
You have good earning potential get networking with colleagues, law firms you worked for.

It is not true that she is protected in any way until the children are 18. It us also not trye that solicitor s will offer 30 minutes free advice. Its commonly stated as fact but doubtful. As an ex solicitor herself OP might have better luck in the first instance doing some research on her own or going through professional channels to get help and advice.