It’s shit. It really is. And so bloody painful. Sometimes, you’ll need to look at the clock and tell yourself that you just need to get through the next twenty minutes and then you can put the shower on and go and sit underneath it and have a cry. And bit by bit, you’ll find that you’re making it longer and longer between needing to cry and that horrible pain in your chest hurts a little bit less. You’re grieving, not just because of the end of the relationship, but because your life is now upside down and back to front. That’s going to take a little while before you can look at him and feel absolutely nothing. But you WILL get there.
I always found when I got that urge to message, the only thing that helped me was turning my phone off, so I’m not listening out for notifications, and rage cleaning. My bathroom and kitchen were spotless. Everything was scrubbed to within an inch of its life. And then exercise. Something like one of those elliptical machines or lane swimming. Something really tough, where everything in you just has to concentrate on breathing and there’s no room in your head for anything else. Now is obviously not the time for splashing out the cash on a gym membership but your local leisure centre will have a gym that you’ll be able to pay for a single session. If you can’t stretch to that, then go to the biggest park you can find and rage run round it until your legs give way.
First things first, you have got nothing to regret. You’re not the one who broke up your family, he is. And, with hindsight, there are probably things you’d have done differently if you’d known what the future held, but you made your choices based on wanting to keep your family together. Don’t you dare blame yourself for that! Not for one second! None of this is your fault and there’s nothing that you could have done to have stopped it.
The next thing you need to do is remove as much of him from your immediate surroundings as possible when the DC are in bed, so they don’t see you doing it. I know he’s only gone for a week and you can’t chuck out his stuff and change the locks yet (that time will come) but you can do things like start taking down photos he’s in and replacing them with photos of just the DC. He’s gone for a week so if there’s anything of his in the washing or ironing pile, put it in a bin bag so you don’t have to see it. Put any of his toiletries in a cupboard. Shoes in a bin bag in the cupboard. If you can afford it, get a cheap bedding set from Asda. Something you like, he’d hate, and most importantly, he’s not slept in. He’s in your head enough; you don’t need him popping in whenever you see his stinking trainers. Don’t listen to any music that you listen to together, no ‘our’ songs. And no songs about being sad either. Adele needs to stay on mute. Don’t watch any shows you watch together. They’re dead to you now. You can go back to them when you look at him and feel nothing. No love stories. If you want to watch something, then Alien with Sigourney Weaver or Jurassic Park. Something where a shitty man gets his head bitten off by a T Rex or gets something exploding out his stomach.
Lean on your friends; that’s what they’re there for. And I’m sure you’d be there for them. Take support from anywhere you can get it. Tell people. I think you’ll find that you get support from some really unlikely places.
Maybe give Gingerbread a look as well. https://www.gingerbread.org.uk
They’ve been going for decades (I remember my mum using them 40 odd years ago). They had a helpline that has very sadly closed, but they do have a 24 hr text help line when you’re really struggling and they’ve still got resources on there that could point you in the right direction. And they’ve got a real community on there.