So he's just left me

[YesThatsATurdOnTheRug]

Had an affair a year ago, I wanted to try, we have kids and I love him. He was desperate to try again. Now he says he can't live a lie any longer and it's over. I just invested all my inheritance in a big extension, just finished the kids new bedrooms, they are going to be so so destroyed. Can only seem to think of practical things, numb, hot, cold, shaking, don't even know where to start. Already texted my old boss for my job back but that's highly unlikely. I'm such an idiot, we decided I'd be a SAHM so now I'm just absolutely fucked, will spend my life in a two bed semi while he jets off round the globe with the latest pretty young thing (there is another one of course). I actually cannot believe this is my life!

Not in this day and age. The 50’s are over and have been for many years.

@YesThatsATurdOnTheRug
I feel for you 💔
I hate to give you a taste of reality and worry you even more but you need a solicitor.
Dsis was in court this week for her final financial hearing, she represented herself and got completely shafted.
Exh, own business bought with money from marriage, hides how much he actually makes, dsis living on benefits due to a disabled dc.
A straight split of the family home, no consideration made for disabled dc, no consideration made for dsis having lost her job due to looking after dc, exh doesnt see dc apart from a couple of times a year, birthday and Christmas.
Exh keeps his business, no consideration that my dsis technically paid for half of said business.
No consideration that my dsis took on all the outstanding family debt as the exh wouldn't, this has financially crippled dsis.
Dsis pays the mortgage and has done since he left 5 yrs ago (affair with a younger woman 🙄)
It was dsis house originally, she bought years before she even met exh.
No consideration that exh lives with new fiance and holidays in US.
His barrister called dsis some terrible names, painted her as a black hearted, money grabbing harridan.
I was there as her makenzie friend, it was so shocking that I was actually shaking and I'm no wallflower.
The equal split of the house means dsis and dc face homelessness, it's not enough to buy a one bed flat and dsis can't get a mortgage due to the family debt and not working.
So, you need to prepare for the worse, you won't be disappointed.
Act now, do whatever you can to protect yourself, get a job, get back into your original career if you can, one of the thing thrown at dc was that she "wasn't maximising her earning potential "
One thing I would advise is to get tough, your H is now your enemy, treat him as such.
He doesn't care about you, he doesn't want the best for you, his concern will now be for himself, forget about love, don't ever think "he wouldn't do XYZ to me" he will.
❤️

Its crap now, it will get crappier... but you will come through this on the other side.

You didn't love him, you only loved what he showed you. And now he has showed you who he really is. Sounds like he was very resentful of you, and rather than dealing with that he behaved lke an emotionally immature toddler.

In your place I would carry on as if nothing has happened, drag this out - it’s in your interests to do so if there is capital coming. You do this for you and dc, not because anything can be salvaged again.

Chat about couple counselling, whilst you research, save and prepare the money you need to get fair representation.

Your children, investments in the house and his ability to pay for alternative accommodation might just keep you in the house op. I wouldn’t give up on that. I would be aiming high if he has background money for the sake of the children he needs to put them first. He might even agree.

Be ready. Your future depends on it, collate documents, hide away passports, get some counselling in place.

Not a reply with practical advice but..

When we moved house we found a letter DH had written in the days after his ex wife had cheated and left him. In this letter he too at the time thought she was going to go off and have this amazing life, the kids would have a new dad and he’d be left in the dust emotionally and financially. It was a really raw and difficult letter to read, but that’s exactly the emotional pit you’ll be in right now.

What he thought in his letter did not transpire at all. Him and his parents have since said how much better off he is now. He has his children, he has a better life and financially secure. There is a light at the end of this, stay strong.

Report the thread if you don't think OP is a genuine poster but stop derailing so that people who do believe that OP is genuine can continue to provide her with helpful advice.

So sorry OP, how old are the kids?

dear @YesThatsATurdOnTheRug
Im so sorry this has happened - and you’re entitled to some time for grief. But please don’t let it consume you for too long. Try to remember -

You are a lawyer - and the skills you describe can be applied to different industries working in house and many business managers and CEOs have law degrees. No you didn’t like your old job - but that doesn’t mean you can’t find an area that you enjoy more.

You are a mother - and you will do anything f to protect your kids and create a good life for them.

You have some options - you have a beautiful home and a roof over your head. You have a talent (law) and lovely children. Do you have enough space in your house for live-in support once you start working?
He is the one who could end up on his own in a bedsit.

Clear your mind and envisage a life where you are enjoying your beautiful house, with a great job, children doing well, friends coming round to your lovely home, your pension fund growing…
This is all feasible and I know because this is how it worked out for me whilst my DC were growing up.
I wish you so much luck and success @YesThatsATurdOnTheRug - you don’t deserve this but you can turn it around xx

No, that's you. Why are you derailing OP's thread with your accusations that OP is a troll and pointless comments like this?

OP has a thread from over a year ago about her husband's affair, so if she is a troll, she's really playing the long game here to back up her story. Or, more realistically, she is a genuine poster in a very vulnerable situation who needs support and not snark and troll hunting.

They're 6 and 8. They love him. The youngest is very sensitive and doesn't like it when husband is away at all. This is going to be just so hard on them.

Thank you @Lilactimes, I'd love to end up in an industry I can enjoy and get my teeth into. If I can find a way to do that and scrape by keeping the house I will be ok, I'm probably focussing on the wrong thing but I'm desperate to keep their home for them.

Op he obviously didn’t have your best interests at heart if he wouldn’t let you go back to your career. He sounds very controlling. You must get a lawyer.

I got divorced with very little to my name, kids have grown up and moved away, but my lawyer made sure I was going to be alright. Eight years on now I’m so glad it happened, I’ve met an amazing man, my friends envy me, and I have a gorgeous cottage. Financially I’m secure, I have a wealth manager, which my lawyer put me on to, which makes me sound rich 😂 I’m not but I’m self sufficient.

Get a lawyer and although I didn’t enjoy the divorce process at all, it all turned out great in the end.

No taking whats left of her inheritance . To provide for her children .

If you don't believe it then report it. Troll hunting on a thread is against the talk guidelines and you're just clogging the thread up with all your one sentence snarky responses.

@WilfredsPies im going to contact you next time someone fucks me over for a motivational pep talk!

I think you will be able to keep the house if you get yourself back to work, even part time. My friend has been in a similar position, she did keep working but part time and paused her career so her husband could advance his. Your motivation for being a SAHM doesn’t really matter but I would be going for this narrative in your position! You do need a decent lawyer though!

Sorry to read this , your husband appears to have planned this after your extension is completed.

As I’ve said on other similar posts, becoming a SAHM, solely relying on an “amazing” husband for your financial survival leaves you very vulnerable .

You’ve given up so much and as you say, he will be jetting off and having a lovely promotion whilst you are stuck with the kids.

putting your inheritance in the house was a very naive move.

Let this be a lesson to other women, you need a plan B, you can never trust a man 100%!

This..... A thousand times this. Men think with their testicles: there is no sentiment whatsoever once their interest is elsewhere, however much they may protest that they 'love my kids'.

The VERY least he can do is provide some stability to your joint children. Tell him as a bare minimum he needs to keep them in their home, where they are safe until they are adults. One day they WILL be adults and he will have to justify all of his decisions to them.

He has a chance now to salvage their security and agree to hand over the house. I think you need to go into this with every intention of getting the best possible outcome for you and for them.

Does he want to face their wrath in 15 years or does he actually want yo do the right thing for them?

Give him stark choices.

Sorry its happened, but now is the time to get your ducks in a row. Get all the paperwork together, start a UC claim and get child maintenance sorted so you have some money coming in. Go to citizen advice and see what help you can get. Nows the time to think only of yourself and your children.

Yes of course. And he will have to help to do that too.
i guess what i meant about the job is that lots of industries have lawyers I worked in the media and we had an in house lawyer due to the volume of contracts we were sent it became too much for production. There was some IP speciality but mainly they were fairly straightforward. I just think law is such a fabulous grounding and can open doors. And awful offices and long hours are possibly a bit different now since Covid.. in terms of hybrid working opportunities xx

Not a lawyer but I’m sure I’ve read (probably on MN) that, if one party can show significant investment in the home such as the OP’s inheritance being spent on the extension, this is taken into account in a divorce settlement. Obviously this is something an expert lawyer in the field can advise on so I’m another poster saying to talk to one asap.

You have skills, you need to prioritise getting a job so you can continue paying a mortgage if the house is signed over to you. You also have to pay for a lawyer, even if it's on an overdraft. Lawyers do often work in other management roles, dont restrict your employment search. Could you have an au pair live in to help with after school care?

For now focus on finding all the paperwork you can relating to the business, to your inheritance, to what capital you brought into the marriage. Capital brought in does not matter much in court unless it's a short marriage and with children of 6 and 8 I assume it isnt. Still helps to build a picture/exert pressure on him before you get to court.

Please tell us you have been claiming child benefit for the NI credits. If not start a claim promptly. www.gov.uk/national-insurance-credits

But he could do the same couldn’t he and wipe the account out.

OP if you do have to move will the extension at least mean an increase in the value of the house if it gets sold, enabling you to have a higher budget for your next home?

I own half with my ex and he goes on about selling but I don’t do anything pro-active about it so it’s never even gone on the market (he hasn’t bothered either, just goes on about it). If our house went on the market before I was ready I just wouldn’t make it look viewer appealing. Have clutter and mess around, maybe cook something smelly. Eke the process out as long as possible. Don’t make it easy for him.

were you sleeping with him?