Random message saying DH affair

[basilbush]

Hoping for some advice here

Background-been with my DH 19 years, married 13 with two young children (nursery and reception).

I would say we have a happy marriage and solid family life. We rarely argue, spend time together and mostly manage to be respectful and have fun. We are intimate fairly regularly with no issues there (that I’m aware of).

So now to the weirdness. Yesterday afternoon I got a message on WhatsApp. It’s from a number I don’t recognise and the contact card photo is a flower so not identifying. The message said my DH (used his name) was cheating on me, had been going on for 6 months and I was naive to think my marriage was happy.

i haven’t replied. I’m not sure what to say and it’s knocked me for 6. I know you read posts from women all the time where they can’t see what’s right in front of them but I honestly don’t believe it. I don’t believe he’s capable of it-nor has he really had the opportunity.

He has recently started going to the gym and got fitter but we’ve both had health scares and it ties in with that.

Im not really sure what to do. I was going to just ask him outright (he’s away with work and back later today) and say I’ve got this weird message but it seemed so ridiculous to even ask him.

And being away with work isn’t a red flag-he’s sent photos of the conference, we faced timed last night and he rang me when got back to the room. First time he’s stayed away for a work thing in a year.

sorry, this was long and rambling!

Too lazy to read the thread eh?

Shamelessly following to find out the result of your sleuthing
as awful as this is, i’m pleased it appears your dh and marriage are solid

Yeah and the posters’ response was so brilliant they had to fully quote the opening post. #I’msospecial.

I once had a series of insulting abusive messages before the days of blocking and I contacted my phone provider and gave them the number. They dealt with it for me and it was stopped. Might be worth doing?

Girl read the updates!

If only she’d already mentioned it to her husband…..

I think at this stage you should block the number. It sounds like whatever this person is going through on a MH level, they are escalating.

And I would say however "lovely" your old college friend/ acquaintance at the baby shower may have seemed, its most likely them.

I wouldn’t waste your time logging with the police unless an actual threat to harm you has been made. It’s annoying, but it’s not a crime to tell someone their husband has had an affair (even if not true). My 12 year old dd had an adult contact her and make threats against her and us the other week because she made a statement as a witness to an alleged crime that took place at school.

Even that - an adult trying to intimidate a witness to a crime who was a child and making actual threats wasn’t considered a crime. 🤷🏻‍♀️ The police wouldn’t do anything, not even have a word with the man who made the threats. I wouldn’t waste your time filling out the form. But I would screenshot everything to keep in case you need it down the road.

Shame this filled your head and time when you have a precious weekend evening alone together. But understand why. V unsettling they clearly know stuff about you.

So, seems the person is vindictive, unwell or immature and having a laugh. Certainly not telling you out of concern for you or guilt. Sounds like a teenager to me. Teenage family members or friends’ kids dicking about?

But doesn’t mean he hasn’t cheated. With cold reasoning, in terms of motive, you’ve been together a long time, you’ve more recently had kids (always adds strain). He’s recently got fitter and probably feels more attractive. So, the sort of point in a relationship when someone could be tempted to cheat.

In terms of opportunity, he’s had chance to meet someone (work, gym) and timing coincided with his trip away, which is odd. Could be someone he slept with at the conference hotel (so he was deffo there, location wise). Maybe met at gym followed by an emotional affair over 6 months (via messages or phone sex). Or did he suggest they stay at his hotel during his work conference, but got cold feet and said he loved you too much - hence their vindictiveness to you? You say he WFH. Do you as well? Or is he at home on his own a lot?

He could have also told them about the baby shower, whether he met them during it or not. Could he have conceivably sloped off for an hour or so that day?Given you dropped the kids at PILs before telling him yesterday, I’d have wanted to surreptitiously ask them. Say someone (not a total lie: the messenger) is adamant they saw him in a different part of town that day, which is a bit freaky, as you know he was with them. So maybe he has a doppleganger. They might say: “Well, he did have to shoot off for a while”.

I know he was up-front when you told him, let you check his phone etc. But if he’s ended it with someone, they may have threatened to tell you, so bear in mind he could’ve been forewarned, deleted messages etc. It may not have been the blindside you think.

He’s not been using Only Fans and a sex chat line or something and it’s someone from that? Trying to bribe him for more money? Could fit with the apparent immaturity/language used.

If someone’s making it up, most likely sounds like a disgruntled work colleague or someone messing about (teenage kid of a friend?). I can’t see an old friend on social media doing it to be nasty, unless they’re not well. What would be the point?

I agree this woman to my mind is the most likely candidate.

DH and I were on the receiving end of some crazy behaviour from one of his exes. I won't detail it, but it involved her sending anonymous notes to his workplace and mine and to his parents. We ended up sending her a letter about defamation and that shut her up pretty sharpish.

I’d still be tempted to mention the situation to your PIL when you and your DH are together with them, or on a video call, also mentioning that the person even asked you to ask him what he was doing during the baby shower, when they clearly aren’t close enough to either of you to know what the plan had been.

Even though I really don’t think there’s anything in it, I’d probably want to see their reaction to eliminate any doubt.

I’d previously commented that I’d find it very unlikely due to the change in language alone but who knows what would happen if someone met a 20 something year old who constantly used language like that. I’ve heard my DH using phrases on work calls that I’d never have expected him to come out with.

@GetOffTheCounter Sorry you went through that. Funny how effective letters from lawyers are. My DM is now married to a man who divorced before she even met him, but that didn't stop his ex-wife from blaming her and trying to get her fired with BS accusations to her employer. A letter from a lawyer stopped it.

@mindutopia , the police have behaved terribly. I'd be sending a lawyer's letter threatening a civil suit for harassment, but of course you shouldn't have to spend your own money on that - the police should have done warned him off. Pathetic.

I think this sounds vindictive rather than being true but it isn't impossible that your DH has cheated so my next move would be to contact the police. If your DH doesn't want you to then that would raise huge red flags.

Hopefully you get to the bottom of it.

Op I would speak to your workplace on Monday to inform them of this and that it might be a former or current colleague.

If it's related to the woman who tried to sue them then they might have had further malicious communication themselves, I would also expect her to have communicated with the man she accused. Does he still work there? Could you ask him if he has had anything weird happen? Could narrow it down either way.

Is this true? Christ this would have been useful to know in my life 😂😂😂

You should have mentioned you were Vic Reeves.

But she’s not on SM and no one I know is in contact with her.

Just because you can't find someone under their usual/real name, don't assume they are not on social media.

Call her bluff. Ask to do a facetime call with her. A genuine affair partner who wants the wife to know what's been going on and has already come this far would absolutely be up for that. Obviously she won't go for it, in which case you can tell her straight that you know he/she is a bullshitter, you've told your DH and you are now both have a strong inkling of who he/she is and will be going to the police.

That should hopefully put the wind up them.

FFS
’So sorry you have been worrying about this’. But, let’s face it, he’s probably having an affair, but just not this particular one’.
I could weep.

I don't think it's the old friend, it's too nasty, much more likely to be the old work colleague - if they were young and the sort to say things like 'bae' and 'nite' then even more so.
That is unless you have teenage or older kids and it's someone they know trying to get back at them by splitting up their parents - they sound unhinged.

I would do this in this circumstance. The reply does not suggest it’s a well meaning person who has thought long and hard about telling you etc. I would ask DH whether someone is trying to cause him problems.

If you read the updates, you'll see that the situation has progressed.

Why does nobody ever even other to skim read the OPs posts before commenting?!

(did anyone cancel the cheque yet?)

With language like that it smacks of teenage pranksters.

I don't know! It really helps ☺️!

Apologies - off to read the updates …