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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Random message saying DH affair

1000 replies

basilbush · 30/05/2025 11:29

Hoping for some advice here

Background-been with my DH 19 years, married 13 with two young children (nursery and reception).

I would say we have a happy marriage and solid family life. We rarely argue, spend time together and mostly manage to be respectful and have fun. We are intimate fairly regularly with no issues there (that I’m aware of).

So now to the weirdness. Yesterday afternoon I got a message on WhatsApp. It’s from a number I don’t recognise and the contact card photo is a flower so not identifying. The message said my DH (used his name) was cheating on me, had been going on for 6 months and I was naive to think my marriage was happy.

i haven’t replied. I’m not sure what to say and it’s knocked me for 6. I know you read posts from women all the time where they can’t see what’s right in front of them but I honestly don’t believe it. I don’t believe he’s capable of it-nor has he really had the opportunity.

He has recently started going to the gym and got fitter but we’ve both had health scares and it ties in with that.

Im not really sure what to do. I was going to just ask him outright (he’s away with work and back later today) and say I’ve got this weird message but it seemed so ridiculous to even ask him.

And being away with work isn’t a red flag-he’s sent photos of the conference, we faced timed last night and he rang me when got back to the room. First time he’s stayed away for a work thing in a year.

sorry, this was long and rambling!

OP posts:
Luckycatlady · 30/05/2025 23:09

The language re slut etc is quite incel / andrew taity, its quite young language too

remember sweet bobby… it was the girls cousin cat fishing her !

CountryQueen · 30/05/2025 23:09

Hmm, so all the focus has now turned onto you and who might have a personal grudge against you. Including some old friend who happened to be at a baby shower. Convenient. Why couldn’t it be any of his mates? And why wouldn’t you check with his parents that he didn’t actually nip put that day at the park?

He’s thinking he’s got away with it but it’ll come out. Sounds like he’s had a couple of shags with a workmate and then decided against it.

Calliopespa · 30/05/2025 23:09

Xiaoxiong · 30/05/2025 21:23

My DMum has a good line in stringing scammers along, but I agree with pp that this doesn't sound like a scammer, this sounds like someone with a grudge trying to upset you.

Do the insults they're flinging down the phone give you any clues? "You're such a shit boss..." etc. I'm probably grasping at straws though.

I agree it’s unlikely to be a scammer.

I don’t think they would have played it with so much vitriol. I also get the feeling this person is a bit drunk or otherwise unstable.

ETA I also think the conference timing is odd. If you and DH have worked together I suspect it’s someone who knows you both and was at the conference op - and knows you weren’t. Perhaps seeing him there stirred something up? Or he said something? He needs to wrack his brains.

Merryoldgoat · 30/05/2025 23:09

Calliopespa · 30/05/2025 23:08

It is. And I feel as though we’ve lost a few who might have been loitering for a LTB escalation …

Agreed - I love it when the relationship isn’t a car crash. My DH would be sleuthing with me too.

BornSandyDevotional · 30/05/2025 23:11

Verydemure · 30/05/2025 23:05

I think there’s quite a few posters thinking it could be a man…take heed, OP!

I once went out with a boy who was constantly off on his own to baby showers.

It never crossed my mind that this was odd.

As it was, it turned out he was running a niche business literally showering babies.

Funny old world.

I dumped him because of the huge crate of opioids they found under his mum's bed after he caved her head in with a gerbil.

Strange times!

ThatCyanCat · 30/05/2025 23:13

BornSandyDevotional · 30/05/2025 23:11

I once went out with a boy who was constantly off on his own to baby showers.

It never crossed my mind that this was odd.

As it was, it turned out he was running a niche business literally showering babies.

Funny old world.

I dumped him because of the huge crate of opioids they found under his mum's bed after he caved her head in with a gerbil.

Strange times!

I feel I should say something but I honestly don't know what.

Merryoldgoat · 30/05/2025 23:13

ThatCyanCat · 30/05/2025 23:13

I feel I should say something but I honestly don't know what.

Quite. I don’t even know where to begin here 😬

ExercicenformedeZ · 30/05/2025 23:14

BornSandyDevotional · 30/05/2025 23:11

I once went out with a boy who was constantly off on his own to baby showers.

It never crossed my mind that this was odd.

As it was, it turned out he was running a niche business literally showering babies.

Funny old world.

I dumped him because of the huge crate of opioids they found under his mum's bed after he caved her head in with a gerbil.

Strange times!

From the sound of your posts, you've been on a few opioids yourself!

Luckycatlady · 30/05/2025 23:16

If it was genuine they would have have did the classic opening ‘sorry to tell you this hun’ line with screels of evidence, I can tell you x, y and z. Call me if you want to chat i think.

to start with all the name calling and nastiness is not what OW or people BBNs would do IMO

I have caught my friends husbands when I was single on dating apps - screen shotted it and told them fairly quickly. Never ever came to anything. husbands said they were all fake profiles etc. never deleted them etc. husband doesnt like me but at least i kept my side of the street clean.

(I think this is 100% fake and before I was married i was around the block a few times 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 and had to leave many many bastards so theres no naivety here !!!)

AlexisP90 · 30/05/2025 23:16

ExercicenformedeZ · 30/05/2025 23:14

From the sound of your posts, you've been on a few opioids yourself!

Probably the texter in question. They sound crazy too

Luckycatlady · 30/05/2025 23:17

BornSandyDevotional · 30/05/2025 23:11

I once went out with a boy who was constantly off on his own to baby showers.

It never crossed my mind that this was odd.

As it was, it turned out he was running a niche business literally showering babies.

Funny old world.

I dumped him because of the huge crate of opioids they found under his mum's bed after he caved her head in with a gerbil.

Strange times!

Mumsnet is golden at 11pm on a friday

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

AlexisP90 · 30/05/2025 23:18

Luckycatlady · 30/05/2025 23:17

Mumsnet is golden at 11pm on a friday

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Pub kick out time!

Calliopespa · 30/05/2025 23:20

ExercicenformedeZ · 30/05/2025 23:06

Have you read the whole thread? Clearly it is not a case of OP's DH cheating.

I don’t think he’d be so cooperative or relaxed about op rooting around in it all if he knew it came from his bit on the side.

He certainly wouldn’t let op go to the police … so … perhaps that is your next move op!

AlexisP90 · 30/05/2025 23:23

Gotta say I'm usually the first to be "they are clearly cheating " but In this case I'm totally opposite. I can't imagine a cheater being this forthcoming or co operative.

Yeah let's dig through everyone it could be and ask for more proof. Sounds absolutely wild.

BornSandyDevotional · 30/05/2025 23:23

ExercicenformedeZ · 30/05/2025 23:14

From the sound of your posts, you've been on a few opioids yourself!

After the police took the opioids, I trained the gerbil to brake into the back of Charing X Nick. Snowflake (actually their name so no hate pease) came away with two highlighter pens and a spider plant.

At this point, I turned away from a life of crime and read Lord of the rings - full trilogy - in just two days.

It was so good for my men kill elf.

TheHillsIsLonely · 30/05/2025 23:25

The schools are obviously still off.

Calliopespa · 30/05/2025 23:26

BornSandyDevotional · 30/05/2025 23:23

After the police took the opioids, I trained the gerbil to brake into the back of Charing X Nick. Snowflake (actually their name so no hate pease) came away with two highlighter pens and a spider plant.

At this point, I turned away from a life of crime and read Lord of the rings - full trilogy - in just two days.

It was so good for my men kill elf.

You need to start your own thread.

Ohnobackagain · 30/05/2025 23:30

@basilbush whoever it is sounds very jealous of you. Can you think of anyone who might be?

Calliopespa · 30/05/2025 23:33

Ohnobackagain · 30/05/2025 23:30

@basilbush whoever it is sounds very jealous of you. Can you think of anyone who might be?

Increasingly I think DH has inadvertently triggered this - probably at that conference.

I think he’s got an unhinged admirer …

basilbush · 30/05/2025 23:33

Thanks all for the messages. We stopped looking into it a couple of hours ago as the WhatsApps stopped coming through and we still wanted to have an evening so caught up on Mobland instead.

We’re going to log it tomorrow on the non emergency police number and wait and watch. We have decided to contact my college friend tomorrow as although I don’t think it’s her, we are pretty sure she’s the link. Depending on what she says we’ll either give that info to the police too or just block and leave it.

Sorry no more updates but I’m pleased I only got a few nasty messages before they stopped

OP posts:
AlexisP90 · 30/05/2025 23:34

Calliopespa · 30/05/2025 23:33

Increasingly I think DH has inadvertently triggered this - probably at that conference.

I think he’s got an unhinged admirer …

Also could be! Some people a smile or laugh is enough to think someone is head over heels.

OP we need part 2!

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 30/05/2025 23:34

🤔

FloweringAnnual · 30/05/2025 23:36

Glad you're taking it seriously. I hope you have a Ring doorbell etc.

Angrymum22 · 30/05/2025 23:36

Pre digital era my DHs ex girlfriend subjected us to a protracted “stalking/trolling”” experience. It went on for 10yrs. Throughout we told no one but it became very apparent that she was telling mutual friends that I was trolling her.

It started with phone calls, she never spoke but would call both DH and I at home and at work. I just assumed it was a miscall or wrong number until DH clocked that there was no dialling/disconnect tone. It was just as call ID was being introduced but she always disabled it. Eventually we changed the number after a series of calls in the middle of the night when my DM was dying. I would leap out of bed expecting the worst only to find that it was a nuisance call.

The weirdest behaviour was sending the same Christmas card every year for 10yrs signed in the name of his girlfriend that preceded her. It became a bit of a tradition at Christmas ceremoniously opening the card, she always got the address slightly wrong so we knew from the envelope it was her annual card.

I wouldn’t mind so much, but he had finished with her ( she was having an affair with a married man who she married within 2 yrs of DH and splitting up) 18 mnths before DH and I started seeing each other.

I could write a book about her antics but ultimately we just got on with our lives and tried to ignore it.

Because it was pre digital age it was really easy to identify who was trolling us. Handwritten cards were a give away since her hand writing was easily recognisable. DH is a bit of a hoarder so still had birthday cards from their time together so we could compare them, in addition DHs DB was in CID so was able to check them over. He advised we keep everything in case we needed evidence. He said that people do indeed do stupid things and they would be able to take prints if needed.

She was close friends with my BIL’s girlfriend who probably, quite innocently imparted certain information leading to some really nasty cards we received. Stuff that only the family knew about.

Fortunately it all stopped when we had DS. She was unable to have children and I was worried his birth would escalate her behaviour, but it seemed to have the opposite effect.

I’d like to add that my DH is not some super husband or drop dead gorgeous. He was devastated by her infidelity and when he started an emotional affair I was disappointed that he didn’t feel that his actions were comparable but that’s another story.

When you have a mystery re nuisance texts then you have to look close to home first. It’s unlikely to be a random acquaintance. It’s likely to be an ex who may have recently gone through a break up and is now looking to cause trouble. Or someone who feels slighted or has become a little obsessed with your DH. Batshit women do exist and they go to extreme lengths to disrupt other people’s lives.

I really didn’t think that other women were capable of this behaviour but after suffering ( well minor irritation) at the hands of one I can assure you they do exist.

I wouldn’t engage unless she or maybe he escalates. Screen shot everything. If you haven’t got a ring doorbell, get one, if nothing else it discourages personal deliveries. Also if it is a batshit admirer it is likely they are regularly driving past your house.

I do bump into my DH’s ex occasionally, she can’t look me in the eye and scurries away rapidly to avoid interaction. It’s quite entertaining.

DS is 21 this year so it’s very much in the past but it did upset me at the time. We lost a number of friends who assumed that the bullshit she was feeding them, that I was doing the trolling, was the truth. A couple of friends actually warned me off in a round about way. At the time I didn’t have a clue what they were trying to tell me but it later dawned on me that they thought I was doing the trolling.

Hopefully your mysterious texter will get fed up quickly if you don’t engage.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 30/05/2025 23:38

Are there any men at work or any of DH's friends that have the eye for you? This may not be a woman.

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