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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Random message saying DH affair

1000 replies

basilbush · 30/05/2025 11:29

Hoping for some advice here

Background-been with my DH 19 years, married 13 with two young children (nursery and reception).

I would say we have a happy marriage and solid family life. We rarely argue, spend time together and mostly manage to be respectful and have fun. We are intimate fairly regularly with no issues there (that I’m aware of).

So now to the weirdness. Yesterday afternoon I got a message on WhatsApp. It’s from a number I don’t recognise and the contact card photo is a flower so not identifying. The message said my DH (used his name) was cheating on me, had been going on for 6 months and I was naive to think my marriage was happy.

i haven’t replied. I’m not sure what to say and it’s knocked me for 6. I know you read posts from women all the time where they can’t see what’s right in front of them but I honestly don’t believe it. I don’t believe he’s capable of it-nor has he really had the opportunity.

He has recently started going to the gym and got fitter but we’ve both had health scares and it ties in with that.

Im not really sure what to do. I was going to just ask him outright (he’s away with work and back later today) and say I’ve got this weird message but it seemed so ridiculous to even ask him.

And being away with work isn’t a red flag-he’s sent photos of the conference, we faced timed last night and he rang me when got back to the room. First time he’s stayed away for a work thing in a year.

sorry, this was long and rambling!

OP posts:
Verydemure · 30/05/2025 22:32

Daisy12789 · 30/05/2025 21:09

Sorry haven’t read the whole thread so someone may have already suggested but can you save the number under any name as an actual contact in your phone- not WhatsApp- then properly close all social media apps then check for example facebook friends suggestions from phone contacts. If their number is linked to their social media it should pull them into that list. Just a thought!

Also, if you have an I- phone, it may come up with ‘Maybe: Carol’

Ive had that happen with contacts like the parents of my kids’ friends where I don’t already have them on my phone, or people I’m buying something from eBay.

I think it recognises the number if its been used on social media.

However- They’d have to be stupid as well as crazy to use their own number. Far more likely to be a payg they’ve bought from Argos!

MignonsMorceaux · 30/05/2025 22:37

However, last year I was involved in a situation where a woman accused someone I work with of sexism and aggressive behaviour. I was named as a witness and actually backed the person accused (it was an absolute load of rubbish). I believe she tried to sue and that was all concluded (not in her favour) earlier this year.
But she’s not on SM and no one I know is in contact with her.

She may well be under a fake name? Maybe?

Also have you sold or bought a house recently?

WalkingaroundJardine · 30/05/2025 22:37

I would leave it too and focus on your DH and family. Arrange nice stuff to do to keep your team strong.

My ex is narcissistic and the best advice I read in trying to work out how to deal with his behaviour was to get him out of my head. So that meant focussing on my hobbies and interests. Doing things with the kids, planning holidays and keeping up with healthy eating and exercise. I made sure I was too busy to deal with his constant stream of long emails detailing everything that was wrong with me and my parenting and what “everyone” thought about me.

If you devote headspace to disturbed individuals they win, even if you are not buying into their lies. They have baited you and get kicks out of being in your head.

GDPhoridFlies · 30/05/2025 22:37

Is it possible it’s just a scammer with a couple of your details trying to scam you? Lots of time if they get one response, they get excited because they think they have a bite, but then they start cussing if you stop replying because they feel like you’ve “wasted their time”

Confusedmeanderings · 30/05/2025 22:39

I have no helpful suggestions but I hope that you get to the bottom of it OP.

Verydemure · 30/05/2025 22:47

And don’t rule out it being a man!

someone in either you or your DH’s circle.

Moonlightdust · 30/05/2025 22:49

Thinking like Miss Marple now! OP - the texts screenshot supposedly were sent this morning whilst your DH had been away at the work conference. They referred to ‘hoping the OW had had a good nite’. I’d be inclined to focus on what women were at this conference. I know the mystery person’s number did not show up as a contact when you called from your DH’s phone. However did you look at all the colleague’s numbers in the conference group chat?

WorryBear · 30/05/2025 22:51

Why do you assume its a woman? What if it's a man that's holding a grudge against your husband?

Wait a week and call again, they may pick up.

randomusernam · 30/05/2025 22:51

im not sure if anyone has mentioned this but you can easily generate phone mumbers through websites so the number you have isn’t necessarily correct. If it was me I’d be engaging them to try and work out who it is. At some point they’re going to slip up and give details. They clearly knew you attended the baby shower alone but had no idea what your husband was up to. If they had known he was with your PILs they would have picked another time.

LushLemonTart · 30/05/2025 22:55

Yikes calling you a slut! I'd be finding this a bit of a worry now.

AlexisP90 · 30/05/2025 22:55

Verydemure · 30/05/2025 22:47

And don’t rule out it being a man!

someone in either you or your DH’s circle.

I said this a few times too. Equally as possible

LushLemonTart · 30/05/2025 22:56

WorryBear · 30/05/2025 22:51

Why do you assume its a woman? What if it's a man that's holding a grudge against your husband?

Wait a week and call again, they may pick up.

My thoughts too.

BornSandyDevotional · 30/05/2025 22:56

This is so similar to my experience.

My husband was always sloping off to baby showers.

Or so I thought.

Turns out it was golden showers.

Which really takes the piss.

jjpollypocket · 30/05/2025 22:58

No smoke without fire usually I’m afraid

Calliopespa · 30/05/2025 23:04

BippidyBoppety · 30/05/2025 21:23

She (sounds like a she) is in your head, messing with you. She is messing with your head. Don't fall into a conversation with her (ask about tattoo's etc). Put it away for the night, have a couple of glasses of wine with your DH, have another look tomorrow.

Don't play her game, don't allow her to dictate your evening. Don't let her in your head. She's a sad miserable lonely girl on a Friday night trying to mess with your head.

Have a lovely evening x

Yes I definitely woujd t srbs anything more this evening oP. Much as I’d love to prod more out of her! I think you need some cold reflection: something may come to you.

Devonshiregal · 30/05/2025 23:04

She either hates you or is in love with him. She (he?) wants to talk so you could get them to by winding them up. “ he’s here in bed with me right now “ - you’ll see if she responds with jealousy or just wants to bring you down.

BornSandyDevotional · 30/05/2025 23:04

jjpollypocket · 30/05/2025 22:58

No smoke without fire usually I’m afraid

So say the men trying to get the barbecue started at all those peculiar men only baby showers.

YourSignalFadedIntoAnotherWorld · 30/05/2025 23:04

FloweringAnnual · 30/05/2025 21:59

Please log it with police, and disengage. There is a real person behind the language games. Who knows what they'd do.

I'd speak to my line manager and reception or security at work, too.

DH has just got in and I've run this past him as he is job.

He says go to the police and a few clicks and they will know where the messages were sent from.

If you want to do it 'properly' you have to make it clear you are upset about all of this if you want to fulfil the criteria for the malicious communications act.

Please do this OP. You can't have this vicious arsewipe treating people around her (or him) like dirt just as a jolly. It's inhumane.

He/She will shit themselves when the Old Bill knock on.

Verydemure · 30/05/2025 23:05

AlexisP90 · 30/05/2025 22:55

I said this a few times too. Equally as possible

Show quote history

I think there’s quite a few posters thinking it could be a man…take heed, OP!

ExercicenformedeZ · 30/05/2025 23:06

jjpollypocket · 30/05/2025 22:58

No smoke without fire usually I’m afraid

Have you read the whole thread? Clearly it is not a case of OP's DH cheating.

AlexisP90 · 30/05/2025 23:06

YourSignalFadedIntoAnotherWorld · 30/05/2025 23:04

DH has just got in and I've run this past him as he is job.

He says go to the police and a few clicks and they will know where the messages were sent from.

If you want to do it 'properly' you have to make it clear you are upset about all of this if you want to fulfil the criteria for the malicious communications act.

Please do this OP. You can't have this vicious arsewipe treating people around her (or him) like dirt just as a jolly. It's inhumane.

He/She will shit themselves when the Old Bill knock on.

Show quote history

Genuine question though: will they? I reported my neighbours growing weed and it took circa 4 months for the police to even turn up. Then they didn't even do much...

Babyghirl · 30/05/2025 23:06

Type the number in to fb and see if it match's a profile.

KaleQueen · 30/05/2025 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FloweringAnnual · 30/05/2025 23:07

AlexisP90 · 30/05/2025 23:06

Genuine question though: will they? I reported my neighbours growing weed and it took circa 4 months for the police to even turn up. Then they didn't even do much...

Show quote history

It's worth a try.

They've shown up every time I've needed them (thankfully, not often).

Calliopespa · 30/05/2025 23:08

EdnaTheWitch · 30/05/2025 21:47

Gobsmacked that someone would do this. But love that you and your husband are dead together on this…it’s refreshing, especially on mumsnet!

It is. And I feel as though we’ve lost a few who might have been loitering for a LTB escalation …

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