To think that men should feel remorse if it got to the point police had to be called?

[WhyDidHehavetodothat]

Content Warning concerning DV (added by MNHQ)

Name change for obvious reasons.

This is all v relevant and recent and I'm feeling raw so please be sensitive with responses.

Last weekend DH and I had a stupid argument that got physical , he was the first to get physical which I tried ignoring as I was trying to BF my toddler but after he wound me up I lunged at him and scratched him. He responded by hitting me then punching twice on the arm, he's never gone so far as to punch me like that before and I started to cry. I called the police. I only wanted him to go away and cool down ( something I had actually asked before I got physical which angered him more) .

In this scenario the few friends I have told say they expect my partner to be grovelling and apologising for what he did but I am pretty sure he sees what he had to go through eg being in custody for hours , interviewed etc as 'so much pain' so I was the one that was in the wrong for calling the police.

Im guess I'm wondering after all the ordeal of going through police and having no contact limitations put onto place as part of bail so men just feel they've been punished enough. Can't they see the bigger picture and feel any remorse for what they did in the first place?

Every time I see how the bruise is a deep purple red I just burst into tears..I want him to see it.

He attacked her first. You'll realise that if you go back and read through properly. Granted, the OP didn't explain that well in her initial post.

I think she is a bit shell shocked at what's happening to her and in denial really. However posters who declare that she's 'just as bad' are unhelpful, plus of course it's victim blaming and also complete bollocks.

Well, your child is now having the same experience as you. Your child lives in a violent home. History is repeating itself, unless you act now.

You said you didn’t want your child to ever witness this. Make those words true.

...he's never gone so far as to punch me like that before and I started to cry

Which says this is an escalation of what's happened previously. It isn't going to stop here and really, to echo PPs you need to dump this guy and for you and your kids' sakes, do the Freedom programme and read "Why does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft (free pdf version is on here somewhere). You growing up with domestic violence playing out around you and wanting to avoid the same for your own family hasn't worked. You need to do a bit more than say to your DP, this is a red line, cross it and you're out.

Btw he's not a good dad: a good dad would never in a million years act that way to their DP while she is trying to feed their baby and with their toddler standing by looking on too. Remorse, even if it were forthcoming, isn't going to help you here.

They don't feel remorse as they don't take responsibility for their actions. He will be blaming you for the way he behaved. It will be your fault. It isn't though.

It doesn't help you to do this. If you would like to understand more about it however, you could read Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?".

You should really be focusing on removing yourself and your child from this situation. Get some support from Women's Aid / Refuge/ National Domestic Abuse Helpline.

He didn’t just grab her arm, and she didn’t floor him.

He grabbed the baby off her and then tried to drag her off the bed.

I don’t think you understand how domestic violence works.

You think that grabbing a breastfeeding child off its mother and dragging her off the bed by her ankle is no big deal and she should have just gone with the flow?

Clearly the police don’t agree with you, as they’re making him stay away.

That's not what happened. Why would any of us be talking about something that didnt happen?

"Yes he attacked her first but whatever if she'd attacked him first, huh? Huh?? Actual domestic violence doesn't matter! What matters is the situation I made up to downplay male violence!"

It feels like this thread is littered with men minimising.

And people pretending to be so kind and caring while they rewrite OP's account of what happened or chastise her for not being sweet enough in response. No wonder abuse victims feel like they're going mad.

OP, a child’s trauma from living in a violent home isn’t just from being in the sane room while it’s happening. That child will know what’s going on. Have you heard of the Freedom Program? Please also read up on the impact on children - like yourself, it sounds - of growing up in a violent home

It didn't happen, so who cares? Why do you think we should be centring men in a made-up scenario when an actual woman and actual child were abused by her husband? Why is your response "yeah he got physical first BUT WHAT IF HE HADN'T?"

I mean, obviously we know the answer, but go on, say it.

Ok, well, I'm about to go and be out of contact for some time, so I'll pre-empt it.

It is because you take a misogynistic viewpoint in which men are central to everything and your biggest concern when a man assaults his wife and child is that he wasn't the victim. So instead of focusing on the woman and child who were attacked (and she can be an imperfect victim, you know), you make up a story and want us to talk about the man who doesn't exist in the assault that didn't happen. To you, men who don't exist matter more than women and children who do.

Gas lighting and minimising are the actions of real time abusers.

They have the sheer audacity to come on here and imperil the lives of abuse victims and babies. It is obscene.

I will start reporting them - because they are extreme harmful, as they play to the idea that if op changes x,y and z her partner will cease violence and become the great partner she dreams of, he won’t. Our statistics, prosecutions and experience tells us the opposite is actually true.

The violence will escalate, almost certainly, and the perpetrators will continue to abuse if given the opportunity.

Unsupported prosecutions are still very challenging to prove, as the murder rate of domestic violence victims continues unabated, and that is not taking into account the very serious life changing impact this environment has on the children, the wider community and most importantly the victims themselves living in hell, usually in silence with their purple bruises and shattered teeth for company.

And there you go again.

You are reeling from DV, and so is he. You lunged at him.
And then you talk about needing remorse from him to be able to ‘stay together as a family’.

This is not a family. This is toxic and your child is right in the middle of it (oh, but he’d never harm them- he’s a great dad) 🙄

Lashing out at me may make you feel better - you clearly have this as a bit of a habit. But it doesn’t change the truth.
You are focusing on all the wrong things. Remorse doesn’t come into it. Protecting your child should be top of your list, and breaking up this disgusting relationship where violence is the go-to.

You need to break the cycle, to protect your child like no one protected you. What’s the situation now? Are you still together?

You've changed your tune from "clawing at his face". You are a pathetic misogynist who has made up fanciful scenarios on this thread as a way to minimise a man's domestic violence.