To think that men should feel remorse if it got to the point police had to be called?

[WhyDidHehavetodothat]

Content Warning concerning DV (added by MNHQ)

Name change for obvious reasons.

This is all v relevant and recent and I'm feeling raw so please be sensitive with responses.

Last weekend DH and I had a stupid argument that got physical , he was the first to get physical which I tried ignoring as I was trying to BF my toddler but after he wound me up I lunged at him and scratched him. He responded by hitting me then punching twice on the arm, he's never gone so far as to punch me like that before and I started to cry. I called the police. I only wanted him to go away and cool down ( something I had actually asked before I got physical which angered him more) .

In this scenario the few friends I have told say they expect my partner to be grovelling and apologising for what he did but I am pretty sure he sees what he had to go through eg being in custody for hours , interviewed etc as 'so much pain' so I was the one that was in the wrong for calling the police.

Im guess I'm wondering after all the ordeal of going through police and having no contact limitations put onto place as part of bail so men just feel they've been punished enough. Can't they see the bigger picture and feel any remorse for what they did in the first place?

Every time I see how the bruise is a deep purple red I just burst into tears..I want him to see it.

I don't need, care about or want your attempts to patronise me (you aren't fooling anyone with the pretence to be gentle and well-meaning), but it's imperative that you stop misrepresenting what OP said in your efforts to downplay and rewrite the facts of her abuse. Your intentions are clear as day but even if they were geared towards kindness and ending abuse, they don't matter when this is what you are actually doing.

I do hope the OP is actually reading sensible responses and hasn’t gone into total denial….

To be honest neither of you are good parents neither of you are putting your child’s welfare first

I’m sorry you’ve experienced this @WhyDidHehavetodothat💐

Its incredibly difficult to do when it’s so personal, but you need to try to take a step back and look at this a bit more objectively.

Think about why you want to see remorse. It’s probably because you want him to see things from your point of view and recognise how hurtful his behaviour has been (both physically and emotionally). However, the truth is that if he were capable of feeling that to an extent where he’d be horrified at his own behaviour and change, he wouldn’t have behaved like that in the first place. Abusive men very rarely change, and when they do it usually follows intense therapy and it’s nearly always a new partner who benefits, not the one who tolerated the abuse. You can’t reason with an unreasonable person. The breakthrough most survivors of abuse have, the one that enables them to leave, is recognising that their abuser will not change, that other people can’t be used to ‘police the relationship’ to make it safe, and that the only real option for long-term safety and stability is to stop expecting that, leave and start again.

Another point of caution is that abusers often seem quite good with small children. This is because young children tend to hero worship adults and don’t really test the boundaries (when they do it tends to be with the parent they feel safer with, not the abuser). As that child becomes a teen and pushes boundaries more, I’ve lost count of the amount of times that “great dad” ends up physically assaulting the teen. Someone used to wielding physical force to get their own way tends
to replicate that in any relationship dynamic where they hold power.

If you’re not ready to leave, it’s ok. Right now you’re hurt and vulnerable and it’s a huge decision. But please do start reading more about abuse and how to build a safe exit strategy just in case you need it.

I voted that YABU because you sound as though if he shows you he is remorseful, you will remain in a relationship with him. A man who "got physical with you" while you were breastfeeding your child.

Please take steps to leave him and to protect yourself and your child from him - supervised contact etc.

He assaulted you in front of your child?
Dragging you by your feet off a bed?
Grabbed your child from you?

You think that is a good dad?
I sincerely hope SS are notified and this pig gets convicted.

Stop thinking about him and think about the poor toddler exposed to his father assaulting his mother.

Please leave him.
Protect yourself and your child.
He WILL do this again.

My nearly adult child still talks about the time that mummy got thrown over the sofa by daddy and we were actually only messing around

I think he was 2 1/2 at the time, but he remembers it. He may not remember the details but he knows it happened. He obviously frightened him that much

I'm in shock, suddenly finding myself managing toddler on my own.

And there we have it. No intention to leave. We know it and your husband knows it.

And whatever excuse you make about "the family unit/one time/he's a good dad/i cant cope/we need the money"... because you can't be strong, you're putting the emotional responsibility on your child to forgive you both for a toxic relationship and not saving them.

Remorse from him now or you in the future doesn't change that.

He pulled the toddler off her when she was going to feed them then tried dragging her off the bed by their ankle your seriously trying to say she attacked him first?

I get she is minimising his behaviour but there is no need to join in in her first post she said she was going to breastfeed changed it to breastfeed or bottle feed in the second post does it make it better? No potentially removing a child from their mothers breast is technically worse than bottle I suppose but still how can you blame her for the attack?

And you sound like a pathetic nasty piece of work who gets joy out of personal attacks aimed at someone still reeling from domestic abuse.

Yes I did, plenty of it actually and no one ever made an effort to protect me from it. That's what prompted me to call the police and tell him to leave because I do not want my child to grow up witnessing violence - I had always been clear on this with him so the fact that he ignored my wishes is what upset me so much.

Read the original post. Another idiot. Not helpful at all to make something up.

Hi @WhyDidHehavetodothat are you safe right now?

What’s happened since your H was arrested? Want to make sure you’re okay.

The Police will inform Children's services anyway. To save yourself having to make a choice End it today.You're focussing on the wrong thing. Your DS's Physical safety and Emotional health are Paramount
You have a choice, he doesn't.

Abusers don’t feel remorse for what they have done, they just feel sorry for themselves when they have been caught

you need to take this opportunity to leave, now it’s never ever going to get better, and harsh as this seems I feel the parent who stays for the kids, or can’t break away from their abuser also abuses the kids just by staying. You should be protecting them

OP, I left my partner in exactly those circumstances. I had called the police to calm the situation down. I actually tried to minimise things with the police as I didn't want the case to go to court and thought my partner would feel remorse and get help for his anger.

I left the home (rental) to get space for when he returned which was the best thing I did. The space helped me to see what a nasty piece of work he actually was rather than try to excuse it. There is no remorse because you are the 'bad guy' for trying to protect yourself and your child from him. He wants you to suck it up and accept abuse. If I hadn't left my partner, he would have punished me for calling the police everyday of my life.

I thought my partner was a good dad too. It turns out that he doesn't want to pay maintenance or see his child as that would mean looking after him but apparently I'm the bad guy for leaving and taking our child.

I am going to be honest with you. My partner spent the night in a cell after I rang the police to report assault. Social services spent time with him afterwards and he signed a contract never to be physical with me again. We didn’t break up. He has never forgiven me for reporting him. We are still together 15 years later and he isn’t sorry, just blames me for making his life worse. If you stay together he will probably resent you and make your life difficult too. He hasn’t hit me again, but he has punished me emotionally over and over. Hope you are okay. I know it’s hard but have a good long think about what your future could be like based on decisions you make now,

You remind me of my parents. Arguing/fighting was a form of foreplay but us kids thought it was all real. We all hate the sight of each other now - you can’t bring kids up in that atmosphere and expect everyone to grow up and play happy families. You’re as bad an each other. Split now and stop damaging your child.

You can’t be a great dad then be physically abusive in front of children. What support have the police put in place. Did they give you an idva? Have you ever completed the freedom programme?

You need to split up regardless of what you want him to feel, your children deserve better than to be brought up in this environment, sounds horrendous.

They sometimes grovel and there's a honeymoon period where things are peaceful for a while.

You use that time to convince yourself that he's changed. He'll kick off again and you'll keep repeating the cycle.

Social services will get involved and you'll have to make a choice.

Your replies are quite aggressive.

I suppose I’m wondering if you feel
remorse for attacking him?

Your son is the most important part of this. You two should not be together. Be a parent.

This, in spades. This is an incredibly toxic relationship which seems to be escalating so you need to content Women’s Aid. Also, @WhyDidHehavetodothat, you need IRL support ASAP before things escalate further. Your husband needs to go an anger management course and needs to apologise for what he has done through his words and actions. He will need to move out and you will need to separate. If you do not want to co-parent with him and would prefer sole custody, please make sure that you have documentation etc. Just showing remorse isn’t enough and at this point from his actions, I’d think it’s disingenuous.