To think that men should feel remorse if it got to the point police had to be called?

[WhyDidHehavetodothat]

Content Warning concerning DV (added by MNHQ)

Name change for obvious reasons.

This is all v relevant and recent and I'm feeling raw so please be sensitive with responses.

Last weekend DH and I had a stupid argument that got physical , he was the first to get physical which I tried ignoring as I was trying to BF my toddler but after he wound me up I lunged at him and scratched him. He responded by hitting me then punching twice on the arm, he's never gone so far as to punch me like that before and I started to cry. I called the police. I only wanted him to go away and cool down ( something I had actually asked before I got physical which angered him more) .

In this scenario the few friends I have told say they expect my partner to be grovelling and apologising for what he did but I am pretty sure he sees what he had to go through eg being in custody for hours , interviewed etc as 'so much pain' so I was the one that was in the wrong for calling the police.

Im guess I'm wondering after all the ordeal of going through police and having no contact limitations put onto place as part of bail so men just feel they've been punished enough. Can't they see the bigger picture and feel any remorse for what they did in the first place?

Every time I see how the bruise is a deep purple red I just burst into tears..I want him to see it.

Remember ladies, it’s important that you are ladylike and demure when your husband starts to get physical, otherwise you have only yourself to blame and he is, in fact, the victim.

I think you should go back and read the OP again. He 'was the first to get physical'. She defended herself after he continued to wind her up. Learn about reactive abuse and the way some people will goad and goad until they get a reaction.

Then read your own response to her and ask yourself why the OP responded to you the way she did. She is in a corner, trapped, trying to get out. She needs support on how to escape, not to be told she is awful and as bad as the man who is abusing her.

👏

I just hope SS are all over this. Poor kid.

No, she is looking for remorse so she can ‘keep the family together’. That is messed up.

Shock and denial often happens before acceptance. She is very clearly still processing what was an extremely traumatic event and has not yet got to the point of recognition that the relationship needs to end. This is not unusual when there is abuse. Kicking her when she is already struggling isn't helpful.

Exactly, I'm starting to wonder if everyone has some ridiculous image of DV victims being these sweet petite little women baking cookies and never uttering so much as a swear word and tolerating endless abuse and anything that strays from that suggests they are probably in the wrong too.
To the idiot that says I sound quite aggressive in my response...hmm I wonder why that could be?

Some people here need to grow up and realise real everyday women, women who hold down senior jobs, women who know how to crack a vulgar joke (or used to) , women who like to think of themselves as people who when needed to want to stand up for themselves and not take shit from others can also be on the recieving end of domestic violence.

Any of us can. Many of us have.

However, any of those women can also realise that "sorry" doesn't cut it when your child is in danger.

I assume the police and your friends also told you to leave him OP?

I’m worried from your posts that you’re not ready to do that. Is that right?

You missed a big chunk. The guy sitting on the sofa? or was he going into a room and closing the door to get away from wife who then followed her in and grabbed the child off him. You miss the winding him up further with insults after he tries to ignore being pulled off a bed.

And The guy wasn't nursing a child. God you sound so stupid when you miss out such a detail and think this male equivalent story is the same.

She’s in AIBU. And yes, she is being TOTALLY unreasonable.
She has a child to protect and all she’s interested in is an apology. She’s WAY, WAY off the mark, and then lashes out when that is pointed out.
A child is in danger. She needs to be told, not coddled. She can sort out her own needs once she’s got her child to a safe place.
But she won’t. He’s a great dad, after all. 😡🙄🤷🏼‍♀️

Why has @LiveLoveFart and @Swiftie1878 not been banned? Seriously what is going on?

Why would they be banned for telling you that you're unreasonable when you posted in am I being unreasonable? Especially given the fact you've posted that your husband manhandled your son off you then punched you in front of him and you then retaliated, felt the need to call the police but think if he says sorry then all will be well?

They are speaking sense. The fact you don't like it isn't a reason to ban them.

Where have I said that an apology makes it all ok? I've said am I unreasonable to expect remorse that's not at all what people have made up here on this thread.
This thread right here and comments from you three are proof that Mumsnet can be a disgusting place on the internet. Truly vile examples of people that hide behind stupid usernames to kick a woman who is at her lowest further down. I haven't even told family, this is where I turned to hoping for some advice and wrongly some compassion.

I don’t blame you for thinking he should feel remorse for what he’s done, realise he could lose everything he has and make a real effort to try to be a really good partner and father.
That’s what we’d all hope for.
Unfortunately, that’s a dream and the reality is more of a nightmare with more abuse to come, an escalation in abuse and once the sweet child who adored their father and does whatever their told becomes a bit more independent and wilful, can be one subjected to abuse as well.
The best scenario is one where you leave.

@WhyDidHehavetodothat

With the greatest of respect, what advice are you actually after?

People have pretty much unanimously agreed that he's in the wrong & have given you advice to leave him & protect yourself & your child.

I'm not entirely clear why you're hitting back at people who are on your side?

Said with kindness, I think this sentences causing the confusion:

Remorse matters, without it I can't see us remaining a family. At the moment there is police ordered no contact. I'm in shock, suddenly finding myself managing toddler on my own.

I think the point is, that your experience isn’t normal. The bruises you talk of are not normal. And the environment you and your son are living in is toxic. Leaving can be the hardest part, but somehow you need to find the strength to do this. You’re not safe at home with your husband (I know there’s a no contact for now). But long term, this isn’t a safe relationship for you.

The sentance above suggests that you’d be open to reconciliation following evidence of remorse. But the fact is men like this aren’t remorseful because they don’t value women. They see them as weak, and that’s why they continue the circle of manipulation until they’ve stripped you of your entire personality and you become the shell of the person you once were.

I don’t see you as any of those things from your replies and comments on here. I think you’re strong, and you know deep down what needs to happen next. And I think you took the first brave steps by calling the police.

I truly hope you’re able to safely exit the relationship permanently. But I think your original point is something along the lines of how - when things have got to the point of police involvement - does DH not show any regret for his actions. And the answer is because he’s an absolute prick. And that’s never going to change - not even with a thorough shaking.

Just because it is AIBU is not an excuse to be a dick to her. I really loathe that about this board.

OP asked if her abusive partner should show remorse after police were called. Most people would think yes they should, except that abusers don't think like normal people.

You are answering a different question. Should she leave this relationship? The answer to that is obviously yes. You are also being very one dimensional and assuming the only thing she is thinking about is an apology. I doubt that very much. It is far more likely she has all sorts of swirling emotions around how the hell she found herself in an abusive relationship and history repeating itself when she swore it never would. The practicalities of leaving, where to go, how to afford it, how to safely leave.

@WhyDidHehavetodothat I suggest you leave this thread now. Start a new one in relationships with a different name and ask for support on escaping an abusive relationship. You will get a far more nuanced set of responses.

Remorse or no remote, it doesn't matter. My EX used to cry, weep, and beg forgiveness and then do the same shit again. It might take weeks. It might take months, but the violence was there in him. In the meantime, he was kind, loving, charming, funny, charismatic until he wasn't. Then he was a violent, aggressive fucker. I loved him with every inch of myself and was a shadow when I left. He broke me. It took me 7 goes to actually leave him and thrn 10 years to recover. 10 years of missing him. 10 years of feeling that my relationships lacked passion. I know its fucked up. If I'd stayed he would have killed me. I've got scars all over my body but the worst was the emotional damage. Anyway, that was over 20 years ago but reading your story still hurts my heart. You deserve a happy and loving partner that doesn't hurt you and your kid needs to see that so he doesn't turn into his father or accept that violence from others. Good luck @WhyDidHehavetodothat . Make sure you stay safe and don't let him manipulate you back into a dangerous situation. It always escalates and gets worse with every return.

You're both in the wrong, you shouldn't have "got physical" with him and he shouldn't have with you. Both of you should want to permanently end the relationship and both of you should seek professional help with your behaviour. Was his behaviour worse - yes. That doesn't excuse your part though. You were right to call the police, you were wrong to "lunge" at him whilst breastfeeding.

The relationship is not a healthy one and there are no circumstances under which it should be prolonged. Get the hell out of it.

“He was the first to get physical” is all I needed to hear. OP this is not in any way normal. Your partner should never lat a hand on you in anger, ever. In absolutely no circumstances is it okay. Get him out of your life immediately and don’t look back.

It's not wrong to hope he feels remorse. What you said was that you couldn't see a way forward as a family if he doesn't.

What that says to everyone is that if he is remorseful, you will stay with him and that made people scared for your child.

I’m interested to know what posters think is an appropriate and correct response to someone pulling your feeding child off you and attempting to drag you off the bed. Is there an acceptable level of protest in the face of such behaviour? Or is it simply turn the other cheek?

What's made you think it's anything other than getting your child, getting the hell out of there asap and calling the police?

Well, yes, but you need to get the person attacking you off you to do that. And how do you get the child he’s pulled off you? People seem very clear that there’s a correct way to do this.