To think that men should feel remorse if it got to the point police had to be called?

[WhyDidHehavetodothat]

Content Warning concerning DV (added by MNHQ)

Name change for obvious reasons.

This is all v relevant and recent and I'm feeling raw so please be sensitive with responses.

Last weekend DH and I had a stupid argument that got physical , he was the first to get physical which I tried ignoring as I was trying to BF my toddler but after he wound me up I lunged at him and scratched him. He responded by hitting me then punching twice on the arm, he's never gone so far as to punch me like that before and I started to cry. I called the police. I only wanted him to go away and cool down ( something I had actually asked before I got physical which angered him more) .

In this scenario the few friends I have told say they expect my partner to be grovelling and apologising for what he did but I am pretty sure he sees what he had to go through eg being in custody for hours , interviewed etc as 'so much pain' so I was the one that was in the wrong for calling the police.

Im guess I'm wondering after all the ordeal of going through police and having no contact limitations put onto place as part of bail so men just feel they've been punished enough. Can't they see the bigger picture and feel any remorse for what they did in the first place?

Every time I see how the bruise is a deep purple red I just burst into tears..I want him to see it.

She has said, if you cared to read, that he got physical first, and later clarified that this meant pulling the child off her and dragging her off the bed by her ankle. She's in textbook abuse minimisation with her "great dad" "would never hurt the child" stuff so it really isn't hard to see why she would have obfuscated this fact the first time she told the story when she did not say what had "wound her up". (God knows what else is going untold.) At least, it's not hard for anyone who isn't coming at this with the primary intention of vilifying the woman and suggesting that on some level she started or deserved it.

She certainly needs to leave and protect her child.

Indeed I went clothes and fabric shopping 2 days after my father died. Laughed and joked. Didn't shed a tear at the funeral, enjoyed and had fun at the wake.

A year later it hit me, kept bursting into tears at random moments and I am having PTSD (he died horribly) a sudden memory brings on sudden gasping for air and I am on the waiting list for trauma counselling. I have had shouty confrontations with family and friends, that are so not like me. I am angry at life. I had no idea grief could be like this.

You cannot always tell how people feel about things like that merely by looking at body language.

Remorse or no remorse, you need to put your child first and end this relationship. Your toddler is witnessing domestic abuse and this is extremely harmful. The fact that he isn’t apologetic says it all, but either way, the relationship would be over for me.

He’s not a great dad, he’s a violent wanker who has shown you who he is - believe him and leave. Don’t allow your son to grow up around a violent man, and don’t allow yourself to minimise what he’s done and remain trapped in a violent relationship. Move out, change the locks, whatever you need to do just do not allow that man back into your life.

@WhyDidHehavetodothat

So it's ok for this miserable excuse of a human being to batter you in front of your small, vulnerable, impressionable child, as long as he doesn't actually hit him.....yet. He's NOT a good dad if he hits his child's mother!! Get away!! Far away!!

Your child will be a victim of domestic abuse in their own right. Given their age, their inability to protect or defend themselves and the harms that are caused by domestic abuse I would consider your child to be at high risk of harm. You also sadly are prioritsing your relationship with your partner over your childs welfare. Therefore raising increased concern over your willingness to act in your childs best interests.

Im sorry for your situation.

The OP would appear to have no intention of leaving at this moment in time.

This is a high drama toxic relationship. The dynamic is competition dialogue instead of compromise and negotiation, deliberate triggering, escalation, then minimisation followed by making up. It is a toxic attention and 'reward' and 'deprivation' cycle and highly addictive.

At the very least they both need couples therapy so they can start to see HOW they are both enabling the cycle.

Better still would be for the OP to dump him, get away, rebuild her self esteem with targeted help and long term counseling. But that isn't always something women feel capable of, unfortunately.

I had this childhood, mum refused to leave dad cause she insisted it was for the best. He tried to kill us many times and we ended up in refuges. I have BPD and struggle immensely with my mental health now even aged 28. I also am no contact with both my parents. Please leave and save your child.

OP he wouldn't be sorry even if he apologised. Not sorry enough not to abuse you, and your child in the future many many times .
The emotional and psychological impact of domestic violence is significant, devastating and lasting.
If you stay in this relationship you are settling for a very impoverished and substandard existence for yourself. You are setting up your son for a sad childhood that will impact him for the rest of his life.
Please think about this.

Semantics.

Your child has also been a victim of domestic.

Any one who chooses to perpertrate domestic abuse is making a parenting choice, and cannot be considered a "good parent".

Witnessing and being subjected to domestic abuse damages the very fabric of a child's brain.

Get help to take yourself and your child to a place of safety.

Edit for spelling.

At the very least they both need couples therapy so they can start to see HOW they are both enabling the cycle.

No. Therapy with an abuser is not recommended. He can go to therapy by himself if he wants to stop himself pulling his child off his partner and dragging her off the bed. Reckon he will?

Yes!!

EVERY SINGLE WORD OF THIS!!

Your poor baby, growing up in this environment…

Fucking hell OP. He tried to grab you off the bed while you were HOLDING YOUR CHILD. He punched you while child was in the room . This is not a good dad. Please, please get you and your child out of that environment. Seek help from women’s aid or the police. I know it feels scary but do you want your child in that environment, really??

I see the OP has not posted again for quite a while 😔She perhaps was overwhelmed by the reaction she got, but I do hope she was listening and is able to get help. @WhyDidHehavetodothat I hope you are OK 💐

The fact your husband has no remorse is concerning.

He isn't a "good" anything. Good people don't physically attack others, let alone a partner in front of children.

If you can't leave for yourself, leave for your child as this type of argument/fight isn't "normal" in a healthy relationship. You need your child to know this behaviour is not ok - yes at this point child may not understand, but further down the line they will. Don't really want them to think this is normal and ought to be tolerated?

This

Remorse is meaningless. There are people who will do wrong and immediately apologise, even grovel, but then go back and do the exact same thing or worse. What he's already doing is bad enough and well worth leaving him over, but this type of behaviour tends to escalate. Ask yourself what his remorse will be worth if he eventually allows himself to go 'too far'. You could be permanently injured or dead.

Children in your home won't be safe, either. Even if they aren't physically injured (either intentionally or because they 'got in the way' in the heat of the moment), they are in an unsettled environment that will inflict lifelong emotional damage. It will taint their entire future. It can easily set them up for relationship troubles of their own. Worst, when they have children of their own, they'll be more likely to continue the cycle of violence, either because they've absorbed those patterns of behaviour or had them normalised to the point that they accept abuse from their own partners, and their children will witness it and be damaged.

You have a chance to end this now.

Oh op. No one who behaves like this towards the child’s mother is a great dad. He’s abusive and your child is already in the middle. You need to split, and get away from this man. I hope you see that before your child is damaged growing up around this situation.

I am so sorry about that happened but your BF baby witnessed you being dragged by the ankle out of bed and your toddler was stood in the room while you were getting punched but he is a good dad? Also, this is how long term abuse starts, shouting here and there, then its a slap or a punch and then it becomes full on violence and sadly the victims do take long to see i themselves.

I also do undertsnad that these situations are hard to leave until one has had enough and is willing to get themselves out. All this to say that I am sorry that this happened to you and the kids witnessed it but I am not sure anyone can tell you whether his feelings are valid or not at this point because your mind is made up already.

OP, you seem to be completely unaware that a small child witnessing the nasty, unpleasant, violent actions of its father, is quite likely to imitate/copy what it saw. It has nothing to do with; what a ‘nice’ or ‘good’ Dad you think the Father is.
Children imitate what they are shown unfortunately.

He’s a shit dad and he doesn’t adore your son.

Loving fathers do not abuse the mothers of their children. Get yourself and your child away from the abuser.

I am sorry that you have experienced living with domestic violence and am grateful you are trying to use that to help other children, but the passive aggression is unnecessary. And you do not get to decide on my behalf what my intentions are (completely incorrectly).

Just because someone may not volunteer their personal experience, does not make it invalid

No man who hits his child’s mother (especially in front of them!) can be called a good father. They just can’t op. Whether he has or would hit your child or not, the child seeing, hearing, living with it is extremely traumatic and a form of abuse in itself.
It does not matter if he is remorseful, in fact, it should make this all a bit easier for you that he isn’t. Trust me op, I’ve been there. The sorry’s mean nothing. Every time this happens and you let him back, you’re affirming that behaviour is ok and he will keep pushing that boundary. This time it was a punch in the arm, next you know it’s your face, or being strangled. Get away from this dangerous man. Please op, if not for you, for your lo who is being seriously damaged by this. There is no gentle way to say it, you need to get away now x

You are not thinking straight and seem to be in denial. A great dad does not hit his child's mother. This is an abusive relationship; remorse and apologies are meaningless. Speak to a women's aid carity / refuge or citizens advice to get help. You need this man out of your and your child's life. He will not change.