DH won’t let me rehome cat

[ThisCleverAmberEagle]

To begin with I’d just like to say I never thought I’d be someone to say that I wanted to rehome a pet just because having them didn’t suit my lifestyle anymore and would probably have looked down upon anybody saying that. However, since having a baby 4 months ago I’m really struggling with my cat. He’s an indoor cat and very clingy, as in wants to sit on my lap permanently and have constant attention lavished upon him. I found this quite a lot pre-baby but since it’s become just really overwhelming. I cannot get up in the night to heat a bottle because the cat runs out and runs circles around my feet meowing loudly and insistently for his food. I cannot just sit and hold my baby without the cat also trying to sit on my lap. Also, the amount of hair everywhere is really getting to me, I’m finding hairs/cat fur on my baby’s bottle and dummy and just across all surfaces at all times despite vacuuming and using a lint roller constantly, there’s so much fur in her pram too. Having to clean up the litter tray and food too really feels like more than I can bear. I know it’s not the cats ‘fault’. I just feel increasingly that I want to get him rehomed, mainly for my benefit but also I’m sure he would be more happy somewhere where someone actually doesn’t see him as a burden and would be happy with him cuddling up to them. Whenever I bring this up with DH he says no absolutely not and that the cat is part of the family, however as I’m the one who is at home all the time having a cat really affects me more. I’m starting to feel resentful as it’s really impacting me at the moment and I don’t understand why he won’t let me rehome the cat for my own sanity. Am I supposed to just suck it up and keep the cat for DH’s sake?

I completely understand how you feel. After having my first baby I developed a real phobia of my dog, whom I’d adored pre pregnancy! I couldn’t stand to have her in the room with me, the smells, dog hairs, poo cleaning all caused me massive stress. I believed her presence was going to harm the baby and became extremely over protected so much so that I ended up seeing my GP who referred me to counselling and prescribed anti depressants. Apparently, it’s a form of PND and can be linked to a pet, other children in the household or even your partner. It took about 2 years of treatment for me to begin to accept my dog once again.
For those who are dismissing the OPs concerns, this isn’t just someone who can’t be bothered to look after a pet anymore. Do you honestly think a pet is better off in the family home with an owner who can’t bear to be around it, or better to be adopted by someone who will love it?

Did you enjoy the cat before you had the baby? It’s so exhausting and all consuming looking after a newborn, especially your first. I have pets and they went from being the centre of my world to having their needs met when I had a baby as we had nothing extra to give. It’s temporary, in time things get easier and parts of your life that have been a bit sidelined creep back in. Your irritation with the cat may be guilt that you aren’t able to give it the same attention you could before the baby. I would try and bear with it for a while, it’s highly likely your child will also love your pet cat when they are old enough to understand.

I completely agree. All parents with children should also live in bungalows to reduce the tripping hazard of stairs. Ideally these bungalows should be free from all toys, pets and crawling siblings.

People on Mumsnet are nuts when it comes to animals. Of course you can re home your cat. I’d put my foot down with DH. It’s a cat not a baby.

Poor cat. You made a commitment to him when you got him and now you want to get rid of it because you’ve got a baby. It’s extremely traumatic for an animal to be rehomed. How about you rehome your baby? No, didn’t think so.
I really despise people like you OP, sorry.

I struggled with my cat after my baby was born. My cat had been my baby since she was a kitten and when my parents moved house I took her with me through my 20s but I couldn't cope with her sleeping in his moses basket and leaving hair there or trying to climb on me. I actually gave her to my brother who was moving into his first home with his partner so I got to keep seeing her but didn't have to have her all the time. I didn't feel guilty as he loved her too and was family. I wouldn't have rehomed her to anyone else but I understand why you would want to. It will get better though and you should probably push through rather than giving her to a stranger.

If it's the case that OP's feelings can be a sign of possible PND, then surely the first step is to get down to the GP, not rehome the cat?

A few practical points ... the rescues are rammed right now (kitten season) so you may be having to keep the cat whilst a home is found for it. This may take months. I'm fostering a cat right now, the resuce is so busy with kittens that my poor foster cat hasn't even been advertised yet on their socials !
The cat is no doubt stressed, so get feliway and have the cat in one room at night. Try to keep the cat out of the baby things if fur is getting everywhere. Most cats are shedding right now, can you take it to a groomer and get rid of the worst of it in one go? Or get DH to do a daily furminator session so there's less hair everywhere.
See if after a few days you can make it less stressful and then see how you feel. Ask DH to help with the cat or baby more also?

I thought it was common knowledge to get the ick for your pets when you have a new baby? It will pass OP, we got a puppy 3 months before I got pregnant and getting out to walk her now DD is 7 months is lovely! Don’t dive into it, you’re expecting the cat to adjust too quickly.

@Notellinganyone it's not "nuts" to believe that when you open your home to an animal, that you should make and honour a lifelong commitment to them. It's literally the Dog's Trust slogan for a reason. People who abandon their pets in situations that are entirely manageable and adaptable cause untold damage to these animals, and charities are overrun with looking after them. All my dogs have been rescues, and every single one of them has been genuinely traumatized by their history of abandonment, neglect and in one case, abuse. They've needed full rehabilitation from me; the abused one was even medicated for depression and anxiety when it first moved in with me.

What's nuts to me is that some people get animals (especially puppies and kittens - aww so cute) without taking the time to properly understand how to care for them, then jump ship when things get difficult. These are living beings which form attachments to people, not material objects to be discarded on a whim. If you don't understand the relationship that people can have with animals, and aren't prepared to commit to their care, that's totally fine, just never ever get one yourself if you're not 100% invested.

The way you are framing this is awful, all of this is showing that you have let your cat down as its owner. Lots of fur everywhere? Sounds like you don't brush him enough. Clingy? Sounds like he gets no love or attention. Looking for food in the middle of the night? Perfectly normal but also probably a sign of feeling unloved and bored. If you have chosen to have an indoor cat then that is your responsibility, why can't the cat go outside, or have a catio? Poor thing is probably bored stiff. If you give him to a shelter he will probably end up being put down, if they accept him at all. Shelters are overwhelmed. Sounds like you just need to be an adult about this and stop making out like the cat is going to make you have a breakdown. They need to be brushed, fed regularly, treats if appropriate, catio and lots of toys, a place to be (tree/bed/secret blanket somewhere), cuddled, some cat tv really helps boredom too. There is also a really good chance the cat is stressed as any change is stressful for cats. You could get calming treats or plug ins (I have found the former to be better). Your DH is right.

My children constantly make a mess, nearly trip me up, want constant attention and also want feeding everytime they see me. Can I rehome them? 😃

Sorry OP, cat lover here! I have cats and yes they do make a mess but I clean up after them so there isn't all the issues that you're talking about.

Your DH is right.

Yes, but he needs to be stepping up with solutions as he's the one who wants to keep the cat.

He needs to be taking over playing with, brushing the cat etc and hoovering more.

And needs to be thinking of ways to keep the cat out of OPs way at night when she's exhausted and stressed.

No good just saying we have to keep the cat if he's not doing anything towards smoothing the way.

I loved my cats dearly before having my baby. In the newborn days I distinctly remember hating them and wanting to get rid of them. I hated most things at that time! However, two years on, things have settled, they are a delight with my daughter who is obsessed with them and I am so glad I have them still. Don’t do anything you might regret while you’re in the new baby era.

I would say don't rehome him for your own sake. It's taboo to talk about within a nation that's obsessed with their animals, but it's pretty common to go through a stage of seeing your pets as a threat, hazard or an annoying chore, especially if you have PND.

I had postnatal OCD and I had similar thoughts of getting rid of my cat. I am 18 months down the line and I'm pretty much back to my normal self. I am so, so glad I didn't rehome my lad, like yours he is very affectionate and a big softy.

Your husband needs to step up and help you out if the cat is getting in the way while you are tending to the baby. It sounds like he is sleeping through soundly while you are dealing with all of this.

Why can't your dh brush the cat twice a day and clean the tray or buy a self cleaning tray and automatic feeder. Can the cat go outside.

The "look" is irrelevant. The wellbeing of mother and baby is what matters.

Are you going to rehome your baby when the annoying toddler years begin? 🤔

Seriously, though, you’re in a period of adjustment, so don’t be hasty. Ask your DH to step up more with the cat. There’s no need to rehome a pet because you have a baby, people who do this shouldn’t have pets in the first place. They’re a commitment too.

This.

I would advise your DH to rehome you instead!

I really have no time for people who decide having a pet is suddenly inconvenient and "doesn't suit their lifestyle".

And yet somehow plenty of mothers have been managing babies and pets since the beginning of time ........

I thought you were going to say the cat is aggressive or peeing everywhere. Not that it’s just being a normal cat! So no I don’t think it would be ok to rehome it. We have 2 cats and 2 kids and I’ve never experienced hair in the pram or on bottles, that’s grim, but easily avoidable.

Brush the cat because it’s much easier to get the loose hairs whilst they’re still on the cat. This can be DH’s job. Get a net for the pram if it’s stored in open and the cat jumps in it. Bottles go straight from the steriliser to the cupboard. DH should also be playing with the cat as much as possible to make sure it’s stimulated physically and mentally which can be a challenge for indoor cats. You could also shine a laser pointer around whilst sat on the sofa feeding baby. Is there no way it could have access to the outdoors? You could also try a Feliway plug in to see if that helps with the clinginess. Not cheap but I also swear by a roomba that vacuums all of downstairs daily and the litter robot self cleaning litter box.

It’s also probably just the hormones OP. Don’t ask me why but lots of people get the ick with their pets after having a baby!

If you personally know someone who is wanting a cat and will look after it, then do it. Personally for me, a pet is a pet for life, but I think if you resent the poor thing then maybe it will be better off elsewhere. I guess many animals are not wanted anymore after children, which is very sad. When you buy a pet, you take on a lifelong commitment, which your DH clearly agrees with. Of course circumstances change, and sometimes rehoming is the best answer. But don’t let the poor thing languish in a rescue, maybe someone who wants a cat that loves attention, and can provide a better home. Your DH needs to step up though, tell him to get the bottle in the night.

Let him be an outdoor cat
When your toddler is walking and in and out of the garden it will be impossible to keep him in anyway
It's a cat ,they like climbing trees and killing birds ,let it out to do what it wants to do.will probably leave you alone if it's allowed out
Not up to your DP if it's allowed out of not ,you have compromised by not getting rid of it ,and he can compromise by allowing the cat it's freedom

Oh and for the overnight bottle you could just take what you need up to bed with you. A friend of mine had a second perfect prep on her bedside table but ready made or the flask method would also work.