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Original poster

DH messages from “Pick me!”

232 replies

Sus808 · 24/05/2025 11:54

Here I am, being that wife who finds messages on her husbands computer.

FFS, just finished typing and noticed how long this is, so sorry about that and I realise many can’t be arsed to read something this long!

Back story: DH used to work with this woman (single with a young kid), very good time girl, in there with all the men being one of the lads if you will, first one to suggest shots, “let’s all go to the casino/strip club”, full of ‘bants’… you get the picture. DH started to get mentionitis about her a lot, they’d talk a lot - this was pre covid so not as much Teams talk etc, but like catch up in the car on long journeys which centred around work but lots of lighthearted personal talk too (I know this because I was once in the car with him during one of these calls - she said on that call that he was being weird, which I assumed because I was in the car he wasn’t being as forthcoming with his chat as usual. I could feel around this time that he was basically having his head turned, but also felt she probably wouldn’t be physically attracted to him as she’s quite a lot more attractive than DH

Sorry realising this is getting long, but want to paint a full picture

She also came to our evening wedding reception and a lot of people mentioned to me how she was a bit handsy and flirtatious with DH (bearing in mind I’d said nothing about her to anyone). We then went to another wedding and she was there and sat out our table - she was OTT with all the men there, sitting on knees etc, getting drunk - I think at this point (maybe due to my comments and looks from others) DH realised what she was like and that she was like this with lots of men, not just him. She went up to her room with some random (much younger) man and I reckon DH was jealous of this as he got hammered and behaved very badly when we got back to the room.

They didn’t actually work together by this point but were still in the same industry. I told DH that the friendship/relationship with her made me uncomfortable and they stopped contact then. He hasn’t mentioned her and has been coy/awkward about her ever since. I saw a few years ago that she’d messaged him on Facebook messenger and he’d not replied. I’ve casually asked him a couple of times if he ever hears from her and he’s said no.

About two months ago DH and I were discussing a new phrase we’d heard: a “pick me” girl - I said that (let’s call her) Steph came to my mind straight away when I heard that phrase as she was the epitome of it. DH looked awkward and said nothing and that conversation ended.

Right finally we are up to today! DH went out and I needed to use the printer so went into his office to find his computer still logged on with all sorts opened on the screen. A WhatsApp message popped up on a group chat with his mates and it looked to be something pornographic so I scrolled through so see what kind of conversation they’d been having - turned out to be nothing but I noticed the contact beneath was Steph! Although named as Dave. I just recognised her picture. So I’ve scrolled through the messages and he’s been having regular contact with her since this time last year (that’s how far back the messages go) - now most of these messages are work related - they work in the same industry and have been discussing work related stuff in a very casual manner, asking about ex colleagues who have applied to work at their place etc, nothing flirtatious whatsoever. But they have been chatting at least fortnightly for a year and he’s not mentioned it. Also there’s “Are you at such and such conference today? Cool, I’ll come and find you there.”

I have looked her up on social media just now and she appears to be in a long term relationship with a woman, so looks like I’ve got nothing to worry about on that front (although I probably never did have anything to worry about regarding her interest in my DH), but obviously I’m pissed off that he’s been secretly in touch with this woman for so long and not said a word - because he knows I’ll be pissed off. The work chat looks innocent, but neither is it necessary - just like “Are you using X system? Is it any good” “John has applied for a job with us, what’s your opinion on him?” “Can you share my LinkedIn post? Cheers mate.”

I shouldn’t have snooped but I have. DH left computer logged on so isn’t being secretive, but Steph is saved as Dave and they’ve been chatting even this morning. DH is home now and is downstairs while I am upstairs. I keep going into the office hoping she’ll respond to his latest message (from this morning) so I can say I’ve seen her pop up, but she’s not done. What can I say to DH to get this conversation started without admitting that I’ve snooped? And what do I even want the outcome to be?!

OP posts:
WinSomeandLoseSome · 26/05/2025 22:30

AboogaBooga · 26/05/2025 21:02

I think you’re massively overreacting and I think you know that too. You don’t even know what you want to do or how to fix it because you know he didn’t actually do anything wrong. He has a work colleague you don’t like. Shock horror. He hid it from you because you would behave hysterically as you are now.

geez. Pop an xanax and have a bath or something.

Does it make you feel good to write such a nasty message.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 26/05/2025 23:06

AboogaBooga · 26/05/2025 21:02

I think you’re massively overreacting and I think you know that too. You don’t even know what you want to do or how to fix it because you know he didn’t actually do anything wrong. He has a work colleague you don’t like. Shock horror. He hid it from you because you would behave hysterically as you are now.

geez. Pop an xanax and have a bath or something.

What a repulsive mean comment. The epitome of internalized misogyny.

SpryCat · 26/05/2025 23:46

You deserve better than him, I’d be getting my ducks in a row and living a life without wondering what H has not disclosed. You only get one life so choose to live without lies.

MsDogLady · 27/05/2025 00:18

3 years of constant contact, making Steph a director, keeping her hidden under an alias — that is massive deception.

This is the second time in your marriage that H has hugely disrespected you by prioritizing Steph. The first time he was so enchanted with her that he went into a violent jealous rage right in front of you. This time you had no clue that 3 years ago he brought her back into his life and your marriage. He made sure to use subterfuge to keep you blind.

@Sus808, his hedging, drip-feeding, minimizing, ‘I don’t knows’ and ‘What can I do to fix this’ are pathetic and unacceptable, as is his blaming Steph’s behavior at the wedding instead of his for your discomfort. Not only does he feel entitled to dupe and humiliate you, he is happy to evade and downplay upon discovery and swerve taking full responsibility for his past and current betrayals.

I advise you to send him away as a sharp consequence while you consider your options. I wouldn’t even consider reconciliation until he shows true remorse and digs deep to examine his character flaws that have enabled his long-term shitty behavior. You may conclude that the damage he has perpetrated is too great to overcome.

Codlingmoths · 27/05/2025 00:37

I got stuck at making her a director. What. The. Fuck.

MsDogLady · 27/05/2025 02:03

Codlingmoths · 27/05/2025 00:37

I got stuck at making her a director. What. The. Fuck.

I agree, @Codlingmoths. Secretly bringing Steph in and giving her this elevated status in his company while totally marginalizing @Sus808 is truly beyond the pale.

Threestripesswoosh · 27/05/2025 06:25

Codlingmoths · 27/05/2025 00:37

I got stuck at making her a director. What. The. Fuck.

Yeah…I imagine that doesn’t show up in the messages either..

thepariscrimefiles · 27/05/2025 07:08

This reply has been hidden

This reply has been hidden until the MNHQ team can have a look at it.

SpryCat · 27/05/2025 08:15

It’s a complete shit show, the disrespect the pair of them has shown OP is awful.
There is no going back from this because H is still being evasive so the whole truth is mostly hidden, there is more to this as than has been revealed.
We know H conceals the truth, is not trustworthy.
We know Tesco Dave a work colleague was having flirty banter with H, has no qualms in acting intimate to H at his wedding reception in front of everyone. She was blatantly winding him up at another wedding, in front of @Sus808 and would have relished hearing of his reaction, after she left with another guy. She wanted OP to know she was a threat!
H never explained, minimised it when questioned and said he’d stop contact.
Except he didn’t, he actively put her under an alias to ensure OP didn’t find out. When OP finds out he has always kept in contact, instead of coming clean, he evasively answers OP’s questions and the mystery deepens. TD is a big part of his company, that he himself put her as a director.
Whatsapp messages are purely business but there are other ways of communicating.
Has TD blackmailed H to be a big part of company else she would tell OP the dirty truth?
Can H not sever ties because they still are in a relationship but covering their tracks? Or he hope to rekindle things so keeping her close?
Or is TD such an asset, business wise, that it’s a massive coup to have her part of the company?
There are too many holes in the story to get the full picture or H is lying out off his ass.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 27/05/2025 11:09

SpryCat · 27/05/2025 08:15

It’s a complete shit show, the disrespect the pair of them has shown OP is awful.
There is no going back from this because H is still being evasive so the whole truth is mostly hidden, there is more to this as than has been revealed.
We know H conceals the truth, is not trustworthy.
We know Tesco Dave a work colleague was having flirty banter with H, has no qualms in acting intimate to H at his wedding reception in front of everyone. She was blatantly winding him up at another wedding, in front of @Sus808 and would have relished hearing of his reaction, after she left with another guy. She wanted OP to know she was a threat!
H never explained, minimised it when questioned and said he’d stop contact.
Except he didn’t, he actively put her under an alias to ensure OP didn’t find out. When OP finds out he has always kept in contact, instead of coming clean, he evasively answers OP’s questions and the mystery deepens. TD is a big part of his company, that he himself put her as a director.
Whatsapp messages are purely business but there are other ways of communicating.
Has TD blackmailed H to be a big part of company else she would tell OP the dirty truth?
Can H not sever ties because they still are in a relationship but covering their tracks? Or he hope to rekindle things so keeping her close?
Or is TD such an asset, business wise, that it’s a massive coup to have her part of the company?
There are too many holes in the story to get the full picture or H is lying out off his ass.

Also.. the notion that it was NECESSARY to keep it secret because OP could not be openly and honestly told about this in case she kicked off, got hysterical (I hate that Victorian word!!) "over reacted" or whatever way he has styled it.

It is a trust issue for OP because however much the behaviour so far is minimised by him and however much her reaction is described as over the top, (by him or other pps on here) the fact is that it does lead her to think... what else has been kept a secret in case I "over reacted".... its also treating her, not as an equal, but as someone who is only capable of being spoon fed information on a Need To Know basis, with the DH deciding what she does and does not Need To Know. That's treating her like a child, or a person of lesser intelligence and discernment.. and I'm sure she's neither.

AllWhitNoWhoo · 27/05/2025 13:42

Threestripesswoosh · 27/05/2025 06:25

Yeah…I imagine that doesn’t show up in the messages either..

Show quote history

Good point. Where is all this communication?

cooldarkroom · 27/05/2025 15:33

So he bought her into his company as NED ? (Was that necessary ? )
Whilst also telling you he didn't speak or see her any more.
(And pays her a salary)
There is infatuation at the very least

MsDogLady · 29/05/2025 17:25

@Sus808, I’ve been wondering how things are going for you now.

Original poster
Sus808 · 29/05/2025 18:27

MsDogLady · 29/05/2025 17:25

@Sus808, I’ve been wondering how things are going for you now.

Thanks for checking in. Not great really… more stuff has come to light - nothing new, just more of the same like there were a lot more phone calls than he first admitted to, there were more meet-ups then he first admitted to… all stuff I had to find out myself rather than him tell me when he had the chance. His claims vary from he forgot, to he knew it sounded bad so he didn’t want to say.
He has apologised, cried, found a councillor, said he wasn’t prioritising being in touch with Steph but says he was prioritising his business and realises now that it was the wrong thing to do - it’s taken all this apparently to realise it.

OP posts:
Thewookiemustgo · 29/05/2025 18:51

Trickle truth is horrendous, they all do it at first. Details of what they did will be more of the same, what’s important is that Steph is history, no more secret contact, he sorts himself out and you get the clarity you need to move forward in any way you see fit. I’m so sorry.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 29/05/2025 19:07

Sus808 · 29/05/2025 18:27

Thanks for checking in. Not great really… more stuff has come to light - nothing new, just more of the same like there were a lot more phone calls than he first admitted to, there were more meet-ups then he first admitted to… all stuff I had to find out myself rather than him tell me when he had the chance. His claims vary from he forgot, to he knew it sounded bad so he didn’t want to say.
He has apologised, cried, found a councillor, said he wasn’t prioritising being in touch with Steph but says he was prioritising his business and realises now that it was the wrong thing to do - it’s taken all this apparently to realise it.

Show quote history

I'm so sorry OP its almost textbook. I knew he would have met her more, phoned her. Shes a director in his company but he never rang her? Nonsense. I expect he has other chats with her too, Teams or such. No point hunting them out though, you know hes a liar and its so hard to come back from that.

Original poster
Sus808 · 29/05/2025 19:27

LivingDeadGirlUK · 29/05/2025 19:07

I'm so sorry OP its almost textbook. I knew he would have met her more, phoned her. Shes a director in his company but he never rang her? Nonsense. I expect he has other chats with her too, Teams or such. No point hunting them out though, you know hes a liar and its so hard to come back from that.

Show quote history

Yes exactly. He said he’d only spoken to her twice, but then later said he meant only twice over the phone just him and her over the last year. He’s now apparently in the process of getting rid of her without actually speaking to her, and has blocked her on all platforms. Like that makes up for the several years of deceit!

OP posts:
LivingDeadGirlUK · 29/05/2025 19:34

Sus808 · 29/05/2025 19:27

Yes exactly. He said he’d only spoken to her twice, but then later said he meant only twice over the phone just him and her over the last year. He’s now apparently in the process of getting rid of her without actually speaking to her, and has blocked her on all platforms. Like that makes up for the several years of deceit!

Show quote history

See its ridiculous, shes a director in his company, how can he get rid of her without speaking to her? Is that even legal?

OchreRaven · 29/05/2025 19:50

His reaction would have me questioning how innocent his prior relationship was with her. It’s a bit OTT if they have only ever been inappropriately flirty colleagues to block someone and never talk to them again when apparently she is a director of his company?

A more reasonable response would be to tell her he wanted someone else to take her place in his company (he could make up a legit reason), end the business relationship civilly and then not respond when she reached out in future.

To do it like this suggests she would understand why she’s been blocked because something more has happened.

TheRealMrsFeltz · 29/05/2025 19:57

OchreRaven · 29/05/2025 19:50

His reaction would have me questioning how innocent his prior relationship was with her. It’s a bit OTT if they have only ever been inappropriately flirty colleagues to block someone and never talk to them again when apparently she is a director of his company?

A more reasonable response would be to tell her he wanted someone else to take her place in his company (he could make up a legit reason), end the business relationship civilly and then not respond when she reached out in future.

To do it like this suggests she would understand why she’s been blocked because something more has happened.

Absolutely. It’s a bit of a leap from prioritising his business and working with her, to suddenly blocking and effectively ghosting her, which is not only incredibly unprofessional but also presumably reputationally damaging. It would suggest their relationship was (if not now) more than professional.

I’d be having a conversation with her myself to see what the story is.

ZiggaZigAh · 29/05/2025 20:00

I’d want to know exactly what he has said to her about why she’s off the board and being blocked everywhere (I’m sorry but why block??) and if he’d even hinted it was anything to do with you being insecure or suspicious I’d be flaming. If he’s kicked her off without speaking to her, he can presumably show you the messages he’s sent her.

GreenIsMyFavoriteColour · 29/05/2025 20:03

Sus808 · 24/05/2025 11:54

Here I am, being that wife who finds messages on her husbands computer.

FFS, just finished typing and noticed how long this is, so sorry about that and I realise many can’t be arsed to read something this long!

Back story: DH used to work with this woman (single with a young kid), very good time girl, in there with all the men being one of the lads if you will, first one to suggest shots, “let’s all go to the casino/strip club”, full of ‘bants’… you get the picture. DH started to get mentionitis about her a lot, they’d talk a lot - this was pre covid so not as much Teams talk etc, but like catch up in the car on long journeys which centred around work but lots of lighthearted personal talk too (I know this because I was once in the car with him during one of these calls - she said on that call that he was being weird, which I assumed because I was in the car he wasn’t being as forthcoming with his chat as usual. I could feel around this time that he was basically having his head turned, but also felt she probably wouldn’t be physically attracted to him as she’s quite a lot more attractive than DH

Sorry realising this is getting long, but want to paint a full picture

She also came to our evening wedding reception and a lot of people mentioned to me how she was a bit handsy and flirtatious with DH (bearing in mind I’d said nothing about her to anyone). We then went to another wedding and she was there and sat out our table - she was OTT with all the men there, sitting on knees etc, getting drunk - I think at this point (maybe due to my comments and looks from others) DH realised what she was like and that she was like this with lots of men, not just him. She went up to her room with some random (much younger) man and I reckon DH was jealous of this as he got hammered and behaved very badly when we got back to the room.

They didn’t actually work together by this point but were still in the same industry. I told DH that the friendship/relationship with her made me uncomfortable and they stopped contact then. He hasn’t mentioned her and has been coy/awkward about her ever since. I saw a few years ago that she’d messaged him on Facebook messenger and he’d not replied. I’ve casually asked him a couple of times if he ever hears from her and he’s said no.

About two months ago DH and I were discussing a new phrase we’d heard: a “pick me” girl - I said that (let’s call her) Steph came to my mind straight away when I heard that phrase as she was the epitome of it. DH looked awkward and said nothing and that conversation ended.

Right finally we are up to today! DH went out and I needed to use the printer so went into his office to find his computer still logged on with all sorts opened on the screen. A WhatsApp message popped up on a group chat with his mates and it looked to be something pornographic so I scrolled through so see what kind of conversation they’d been having - turned out to be nothing but I noticed the contact beneath was Steph! Although named as Dave. I just recognised her picture. So I’ve scrolled through the messages and he’s been having regular contact with her since this time last year (that’s how far back the messages go) - now most of these messages are work related - they work in the same industry and have been discussing work related stuff in a very casual manner, asking about ex colleagues who have applied to work at their place etc, nothing flirtatious whatsoever. But they have been chatting at least fortnightly for a year and he’s not mentioned it. Also there’s “Are you at such and such conference today? Cool, I’ll come and find you there.”

I have looked her up on social media just now and she appears to be in a long term relationship with a woman, so looks like I’ve got nothing to worry about on that front (although I probably never did have anything to worry about regarding her interest in my DH), but obviously I’m pissed off that he’s been secretly in touch with this woman for so long and not said a word - because he knows I’ll be pissed off. The work chat looks innocent, but neither is it necessary - just like “Are you using X system? Is it any good” “John has applied for a job with us, what’s your opinion on him?” “Can you share my LinkedIn post? Cheers mate.”

I shouldn’t have snooped but I have. DH left computer logged on so isn’t being secretive, but Steph is saved as Dave and they’ve been chatting even this morning. DH is home now and is downstairs while I am upstairs. I keep going into the office hoping she’ll respond to his latest message (from this morning) so I can say I’ve seen her pop up, but she’s not done. What can I say to DH to get this conversation started without admitting that I’ve snooped? And what do I even want the outcome to be?!

If it hasn't got smutty on WhatsApp with (for instance) dick pics after all this time I think you're totally in the clear.

cooldarkroom · 29/05/2025 20:06

This is more smoke & mirrors, of course he hasn’t sacked her. They have been talking & have come up with some kind of clean up plan
Other people will have seen this playing out, its is totally humiliating.
Tell him not one single word of truth is coming out of his mouth, & to just go fucking far away, with her, without her, it doesn’t make any difference at this point

Coffeemat · 29/05/2025 20:10

OP, clearly he has been completely disloyal and cheated on you emotionally.

Is there a business and money for him to protect?
Hard to believe he has been such a weasel and disloyal snake for so long, so persistently a liar to now suddenly realising his error and blocking her everywhere.

I wouldn't trust him as far as I'd throw him.
Protect yourself financially as he really isn't to be trusted.

HopingForTheBest25 · 29/05/2025 20:27

The more you dig, the more you find. And every word out of his mouth is a lie!
He's fundamentally untrustworthy - I know you want to find reasonable explanations and your instinct is to believe him so you don't have to face the enormity of his deceit. But he has deceived you for years.
Beat thing you could do would be to show him the door