DH messages from “Pick me!”

[Sus808]

Here I am, being that wife who finds messages on her husbands computer.

FFS, just finished typing and noticed how long this is, so sorry about that and I realise many can’t be arsed to read something this long!

Back story: DH used to work with this woman (single with a young kid), very good time girl, in there with all the men being one of the lads if you will, first one to suggest shots, “let’s all go to the casino/strip club”, full of ‘bants’… you get the picture. DH started to get mentionitis about her a lot, they’d talk a lot - this was pre covid so not as much Teams talk etc, but like catch up in the car on long journeys which centred around work but lots of lighthearted personal talk too (I know this because I was once in the car with him during one of these calls - she said on that call that he was being weird, which I assumed because I was in the car he wasn’t being as forthcoming with his chat as usual. I could feel around this time that he was basically having his head turned, but also felt she probably wouldn’t be physically attracted to him as she’s quite a lot more attractive than DH

Sorry realising this is getting long, but want to paint a full picture

She also came to our evening wedding reception and a lot of people mentioned to me how she was a bit handsy and flirtatious with DH (bearing in mind I’d said nothing about her to anyone). We then went to another wedding and she was there and sat out our table - she was OTT with all the men there, sitting on knees etc, getting drunk - I think at this point (maybe due to my comments and looks from others) DH realised what she was like and that she was like this with lots of men, not just him. She went up to her room with some random (much younger) man and I reckon DH was jealous of this as he got hammered and behaved very badly when we got back to the room.

They didn’t actually work together by this point but were still in the same industry. I told DH that the friendship/relationship with her made me uncomfortable and they stopped contact then. He hasn’t mentioned her and has been coy/awkward about her ever since. I saw a few years ago that she’d messaged him on Facebook messenger and he’d not replied. I’ve casually asked him a couple of times if he ever hears from her and he’s said no.

About two months ago DH and I were discussing a new phrase we’d heard: a “pick me” girl - I said that (let’s call her) Steph came to my mind straight away when I heard that phrase as she was the epitome of it. DH looked awkward and said nothing and that conversation ended.

Right finally we are up to today! DH went out and I needed to use the printer so went into his office to find his computer still logged on with all sorts opened on the screen. A WhatsApp message popped up on a group chat with his mates and it looked to be something pornographic so I scrolled through so see what kind of conversation they’d been having - turned out to be nothing but I noticed the contact beneath was Steph! Although named as Dave. I just recognised her picture. So I’ve scrolled through the messages and he’s been having regular contact with her since this time last year (that’s how far back the messages go) - now most of these messages are work related - they work in the same industry and have been discussing work related stuff in a very casual manner, asking about ex colleagues who have applied to work at their place etc, nothing flirtatious whatsoever. But they have been chatting at least fortnightly for a year and he’s not mentioned it. Also there’s “Are you at such and such conference today? Cool, I’ll come and find you there.”

I have looked her up on social media just now and she appears to be in a long term relationship with a woman, so looks like I’ve got nothing to worry about on that front (although I probably never did have anything to worry about regarding her interest in my DH), but obviously I’m pissed off that he’s been secretly in touch with this woman for so long and not said a word - because he knows I’ll be pissed off. The work chat looks innocent, but neither is it necessary - just like “Are you using X system? Is it any good” “John has applied for a job with us, what’s your opinion on him?” “Can you share my LinkedIn post? Cheers mate.”

I shouldn’t have snooped but I have. DH left computer logged on so isn’t being secretive, but Steph is saved as Dave and they’ve been chatting even this morning. DH is home now and is downstairs while I am upstairs. I keep going into the office hoping she’ll respond to his latest message (from this morning) so I can say I’ve seen her pop up, but she’s not done. What can I say to DH to get this conversation started without admitting that I’ve snooped? And what do I even want the outcome to be?!

I think I’d be more perturbed that he has his head turned by someone who sounds kind of tiresome…

Snort. DH and I are definitely not ‘one’. We’re two adult people, individuals who are happily married but not sharing a brain cell, and as far as I’m concerned, his messages are his own private communications, and his friends, however tiresome, are his friends.

Sorry if someone has already flagged this OP but you can only view WhatsApp messages on a computer for the past year. If you want to scroll back further then you need to do this on the app on a phone. Am not suggesting your DH has been in contact longer, just letting you know that could be the case. Either way I really hope you get some answers and can move on from this downright rubbish situation. Sending hugs. xxx

This has to be one of the most unhinged posts that I have seen on this site, and that is really saying a lot.

they should be aware, that upon marriage they 'forsake all others' and their inbox is no longer just theirs - their spouses can look into it.

It is really not OK not to understand that husband and wife are one and there could be no private messages in a marriage. Ever.

The above is obviously utter bollocks, as anyone whose work involves confidential information or intellectual property knows. If your partner tries to peddle this, you are in an abusive marriage with a controlling spouse. You are also destroying any semblance of client privacy, breaching the ethical conduct codes of your profession, and possibly also breaking the law.

It might be different in your relationship, but “snooping” isn’t considered a sin in mine. DH and I have each other’s phone and computer passwords (mostly for safety and convenience, but it also incidentally helps with trust), and any time either of us wanted to have a looksie, we could. I don’t ever feel the need to do so, and I don’t think DH does either, but I wouldn’t be upset if I walked in on him looking through my phone.

Now, we’d have a conversation about why he felt the need to do that, and figure out what needs to change. I think that’s what you need to talk to your DH about, OP— what behaviors of his lead to your discomfort and need to snoop, and why he felt the need to lie about speaking with this woman and changing her contact name if nothing was going on. Try not to make it an attack, but rather encourage him to be open about it so you guys can find a solution and both feel better about the situation.

Oh, @Hwi prides herself on being ‘unhinged’. Or maybe just doesn’t see a lot of the rest of the human race, perhaps understandably. Mind you, I doubt she has much time for socialising with all those mandatory spousal pocket checks etc. It’s time-consuming, paranoia.

I think it's absolutely fine if you and your spouse want to snoop on each other. Smell each other's underwear when they get in, track each other, follow each other around, read personal correspondence, rummage through their drawers and pockets, demand to know their every thought as they have no right to privacy.

If you both want to live like that, knock yourselves out. Others don't, it's really not difficult to understand.

Why stop there? Chastity belts? Lie detector tests? Regular interrogations in stress positions?

I would have added waterboarding but it seems there's no need as it's all voluntary.

To be honest it sounds like he enjoyed the attention back then but then thought better of it. Now you have all moved on. He shouldn’t hide his communication from you but if he was keen on her he would jump at the chance to go and watch paint dry with her.

The history seems to be the unconfirmed assumption that DH had a tantrum at a wedding over her.

That could just as easily be explained by him simply being drunk and annoying.

Unless there's more to this story, I really can't see the justification.

From what you say, another thing that differs from normal work colleague messages is the absence of any mention of you?

He had no choice but to communicate with her, as he has to work with her, but didn’t want to upset you. In your place, I would talk it through op.

You’re putting a lot of this on her, she’s the threat etc. Your husband is the threat, he’s the one who could ruin your marriage not her!! Your husband is the one lying to you, your husband is the one hiding chats, your husband is the one meeting her at conferences….. all your husband!! It just so happens to be with this woman. Your issue isn’t with her it’s with him. If she wasn’t around do you think he couldn’t possibly have his head turned by another woman that showed him attention because given the lying I wouldn’t trust that

Even your thread title suggests she’s to blame ‘DH messages from pick me’…. She isn’t talking to herself he’s also messaging

Was that in your mairrage vows ,we shalt check each others pockets.

Being honest if my DH read the my messages with my mates because he thought he saw something inappropriate (which wasnt) I would think he was a controlling prick.

No wonder he's got her saved under a different name. He's married to the sort of woman who thinks nothing of invading his privacy just for the hell of it.

I haven't read all of the updates, but don't tell him you know! Keep an eye on them!

I honestly only looked because it popped up and looked as though it could’ve been something extremely inappropriate and derogatory. Turned out to be something offensive but not as bad as I’d first thought. I didn’t look any further through their chat, and literally just then caught a glimpse of her WhatsApp photo then noticed the name didn’t match. I then only looked her up on social media to confirm to myself that it was who I thought it was.

Would you think the same if the mate had been all over you and flirting on your wedding day and if you once got very angry and had a tantrum when your mate went off with another woman?

So the issue is that your DH is being underhand and lying and you want to catch him in this lie by lying yourself instead of admitting that you happened across the messages whilst printing..?

And yes, looking at his messages is snooping, regardless of the fact you didn’t use his computer with that intention.

I don’t see the issue with you telling your husband you had been a bit nosey and ask why she is in his phone under a different name. That’s much simpler.

Was it 'do you want to come to sports with me'? Or with a group, as in come with us? I totally get why you are upset, changing the name to Dave is either a way to keep you off the scent regarding contact or a personal/intimate joke. My friends husband calls her Terry occasionally, when we asked why she blushed and wouldn't say, it was cute and funny at the same time.

You're not the only person thinking this. I f I were DH, I'd likely be lying too and, if I found about the snooping, I'd maybe be looking to LTB

I think you should put yourself out of your misery and ask him outright why he’s saved her under a blokes name and why he’s lied.