DH messages from “Pick me!”

[Sus808]

Here I am, being that wife who finds messages on her husbands computer.

FFS, just finished typing and noticed how long this is, so sorry about that and I realise many can’t be arsed to read something this long!

Back story: DH used to work with this woman (single with a young kid), very good time girl, in there with all the men being one of the lads if you will, first one to suggest shots, “let’s all go to the casino/strip club”, full of ‘bants’… you get the picture. DH started to get mentionitis about her a lot, they’d talk a lot - this was pre covid so not as much Teams talk etc, but like catch up in the car on long journeys which centred around work but lots of lighthearted personal talk too (I know this because I was once in the car with him during one of these calls - she said on that call that he was being weird, which I assumed because I was in the car he wasn’t being as forthcoming with his chat as usual. I could feel around this time that he was basically having his head turned, but also felt she probably wouldn’t be physically attracted to him as she’s quite a lot more attractive than DH

Sorry realising this is getting long, but want to paint a full picture

She also came to our evening wedding reception and a lot of people mentioned to me how she was a bit handsy and flirtatious with DH (bearing in mind I’d said nothing about her to anyone). We then went to another wedding and she was there and sat out our table - she was OTT with all the men there, sitting on knees etc, getting drunk - I think at this point (maybe due to my comments and looks from others) DH realised what she was like and that she was like this with lots of men, not just him. She went up to her room with some random (much younger) man and I reckon DH was jealous of this as he got hammered and behaved very badly when we got back to the room.

They didn’t actually work together by this point but were still in the same industry. I told DH that the friendship/relationship with her made me uncomfortable and they stopped contact then. He hasn’t mentioned her and has been coy/awkward about her ever since. I saw a few years ago that she’d messaged him on Facebook messenger and he’d not replied. I’ve casually asked him a couple of times if he ever hears from her and he’s said no.

About two months ago DH and I were discussing a new phrase we’d heard: a “pick me” girl - I said that (let’s call her) Steph came to my mind straight away when I heard that phrase as she was the epitome of it. DH looked awkward and said nothing and that conversation ended.

Right finally we are up to today! DH went out and I needed to use the printer so went into his office to find his computer still logged on with all sorts opened on the screen. A WhatsApp message popped up on a group chat with his mates and it looked to be something pornographic so I scrolled through so see what kind of conversation they’d been having - turned out to be nothing but I noticed the contact beneath was Steph! Although named as Dave. I just recognised her picture. So I’ve scrolled through the messages and he’s been having regular contact with her since this time last year (that’s how far back the messages go) - now most of these messages are work related - they work in the same industry and have been discussing work related stuff in a very casual manner, asking about ex colleagues who have applied to work at their place etc, nothing flirtatious whatsoever. But they have been chatting at least fortnightly for a year and he’s not mentioned it. Also there’s “Are you at such and such conference today? Cool, I’ll come and find you there.”

I have looked her up on social media just now and she appears to be in a long term relationship with a woman, so looks like I’ve got nothing to worry about on that front (although I probably never did have anything to worry about regarding her interest in my DH), but obviously I’m pissed off that he’s been secretly in touch with this woman for so long and not said a word - because he knows I’ll be pissed off. The work chat looks innocent, but neither is it necessary - just like “Are you using X system? Is it any good” “John has applied for a job with us, what’s your opinion on him?” “Can you share my LinkedIn post? Cheers mate.”

I shouldn’t have snooped but I have. DH left computer logged on so isn’t being secretive, but Steph is saved as Dave and they’ve been chatting even this morning. DH is home now and is downstairs while I am upstairs. I keep going into the office hoping she’ll respond to his latest message (from this morning) so I can say I’ve seen her pop up, but she’s not done. What can I say to DH to get this conversation started without admitting that I’ve snooped? And what do I even want the outcome to be?!

Or she’s later in life realised that she’s gay? I don’t know.

I don't think the problem is whether she's bisexual or not, the problem is you think your husband fancies her.

You don't trust him and that's the crux of the problem; I'd take her out of the equation.

I hate snoops and there are so many ways to hide affairs like having a separate phone. If someone is going to cheat or is into someone else, there's little you can do.

I'd tell him how I feel, what I did and why and try to come to a solution to this festering problem.

You'd end a marriage based upon somebody asking a question on a par with asking if they used Google Sheets rather than Excel?

If something from twenty years ago is still being dragged up at random intervals, I'm not entirely surprised that the other person is saved under a work related title for work related contacts rather than 'brazen hussy when 21 playing the Long Game'. Or 'Steph'.

No at our wedding she was all over him and he didn’t seem to notice, but people commented to me it looked inappropriate on her part (DH not reciprocating)
He behaved badly at another wedding she was at when she was all over all the men, dancing provocatively on a table, got incredibly drunk and then went up to a room with a younger man. It felt at the time like DH was either angry she’d gone up to sleep with someone. He behaved badly in that he got really drunk after she’d gone to the room with this man, he was lairy at the wedding reception, was sick everywhere, broke stuff in the hotel room and was generally acting very angrily.

What about a straightforward, ‘Who’s Dave?’

10 years ago. I’ve not asked if he’s spoken to her in maybe 5 years. I never caused an argument about it back then, I just said things as I saw them very factually and calmly. He said that wasn’t the case but then cut contact with her (deleted her from social media and never brought her up again)
I have just causally asked a couple of times whether he ever hears from her and he’s said no

It doesn’t sound like an affair is going on, although you just never know. But what is definitely happening is your DH has continued contact with her and is keeping their contact secret, which means he’s overstepped a boundary and he has lied about it multiple times.
From reading all that, I genuinely think he may have some feelings for her. Even if nothing would ever come of it, it’s still highly inappropriate that he is still talking to her and lying about it.
Ask yourself this, if it was fully innocent, would he need to lie?
The problem is not this woman, or how she chooses to behave with any man or woman. It doesn’t matter if she is a “pick me” girl whatever that is. It matters that your husband laps up all the attention she has given him though. And it matters that he has gone out of his way to stay in contact with her, disregarding your feelings in this. The problem is your husband who seems to be a bit infatuated with her and has clearly not respected you or your relationship.

I don’t have any advice on how you handle this. But I do know, that for this to not become a hugely damaging thing in your relationship, it needs to be out on the open and he needs to hold himself fully accountable and do all he can to rebuild the trust he has broken.
Hope it works out for you, betrayal is never acceptable x

Your dislike and condemnation of her is screaming out of your posts. And yet it doesn't sound like she's actually done anything in particular, apart from being a 'type'.

I can see why he wasn't rushing to update you that they were casually talking shop on WhatsApp.

The name could be a silly nickname?

I don't know. It certainly doesn't sound like crime of the century.

@Sus808 your focus is on the wrong person. Who cares what ‘type’ of person she is, or whether she is bi or gay. It’s irrelevant.

Your issue is with your DH concealing their conversations. And he’s either doing that because HE is having an affair or because he can’t face your wrath that he’s in a friendship with a woman you don’t like.

Both of those things are about him and not her. He’s the one that is married to you.

You need to speak to him. Tell him you looked because you didn’t believe he’s not in contact and you were proven right. Then ask him why if it’s a platonic friendship he’s going to such lengths to conceal it.

You’ve been together for 20 years. You must know if you can trust him or not.

if you can, you need to explore why this friendship threatens you so much.. and make it clear to him that his behaviour is contributing to that if he cares for you it needs to stop.

If you can’t trust him then maybe there’s good reason for that and your DH is hopeful that one day she will want to take things further if they haven’t already.

Sus808 · Today 12:45

He behaved badly at another wedding she was at when she was all over all the men, dancing provocatively on a table, got incredibly drunk and then went up to a room with a younger man. It felt at the time like DH was either angry she’d gone up to sleep with someone. He behaved badly in that he got really drunk after she’d gone to the room with this man, he was lairy at the wedding reception, was sick everywhere, broke stuff in the hotel room and was generally acting very angrily.

You obviously decided to stay with him. You clearly do not trust him, hence the snooping.

They are close enough to be invited to your wedding, so why are you surprised they are still in contact?

I think you’re being purposefully obtuse here. It’s clearly not a case of who he can and can’t be friends with. The whole point is that the OP’s husband was making it very clear that he’d be up for more than friendship with Steph and the OP, completely understandably, told him that she wasn’t comfortable with this situation. It’s not an entirely innocent and platonic friendship that the OP has overreacted to and demanded he cut off.

And she didn’t go snooping either. She was using the printer and something that looked pretty rude popped up. And as they’ve got a ten year old who has just been given the code to access that same computer, I don’t bloody blame her for looking deeper! I wouldn’t give a flying fuck if my DH thought I’d been snooping if it meant a ten year old didn’t have to see porn, which is what she said it appeared to be. He hasn’t got a leg to stand on here.

OP, he has lied to you. Simple as that. He knew he was doing something that was disrespectful and made you feel uncomfortable and he lied to you about distancing himself and has continued to lie about ongoing contact. And it’s not just a lie by omission. He has named her Dave to actively hide his lie. I’m not saying LTB, but he’s got some serious work to do to show you that he has any respect for your marriage and that you can trust him. I think you’re under reacting a bit. Wait til ten yr old is in bed then tell him he’s really fucked up.

Why don't you trust him? I think you need to talk to him about why you feel this way. He probably enjoyed getting the attention, but that doesn't mean he would have taken it further. Has he given you any other indication that he's not happy with you?

Sound like the song ‘jolene‘ - please don’t take him even though you can.

sounds like your DH would def shag her if she was up for it and had the opportunity.

he probably won’t get to shag her so that is OK, but I would not mention it to him. Instead I would ramp up the snooping and make sure I kept a very close eye on his conference attendances and is she was going to be there. There is no point warning him that you know.

I think I would have been more pissed off years ago when you was at the wedding.Your husband was acting like a jealous pathetic lovestruck teenager ,how the hell did you get past that

Funny you should say that, I have an ex workmate, we are Gary and Barry. I've no idea what the origin was. He is happily married, lives miles away, we just check in occasionally.

OP, his messages sound appropriate in content so I wouldn't jump to conclusions but it isn't great that he's lied about maintaining or reopening contact with 'Dave'.

He left his phone open when you were using the printer and you saw the message rather than looking so I'd ask outright.

Apologise for snooping but it wasn't intentional.

Don't go in guns blazing, just ask and listen calmly. I think the key point is he hasnt been straight up and that isn't the way he should have found a workaround. If he wanted to speak to Dave because she's in the same industry, he could have been open. Sneaking around isn't the noble option, it just sets a bad precedent.

I think keep the moral point in mind rather than what happened there's more. That is, you both want honesty

Just to add, I've been in a controlling relationship where I felt like I needed to lie to cover up innocent things. I'm not saying you are like this, but I think it needs to be said.

Exactly this. Pretty extreme behaviour from a grown man.

Does sound like he is carrying a torch for "Steph"

My focus is 100% on DH, not her at all. No I didn’t like her as a person when I met her 10 years ago but never held her accountable for anything to do with my relationship, that’s fully on DH
And I don’t know what she’s like now, maybe she’s settled down. The messages now certainly don’t match her over friendly/flirtatious actions from all those years ago.
It’s basically that I don’t like the deceit. He’s not actually lied, he’s just withheld that he’s back in contact with her. If he’d have said “I’ve been messaging Steph by the way because I think she might be able to help out with XYZ at work” I’d have pulled a face but not kicked up a fuss. But it’s not just a few messages 12 months ago, it’s been frequent (albeit platonic) since then and with a secret name on WhatsApp. That’s what I’m pissed off. I mean who restarts up a friendship with a woman who has seemingly turned your head in the past? I’ll reiterate, I know this is all on him.

It sounds like the only reason something hasn't happened between them is she hasn't wanted to. So your DH is the problem.
You could talk to him about what you saw but it probably won't change things. It hasn't so far.

A group of work friends at the evening do 11 years ago. They no longer work together and as far as I’m aware haven’t had contact since they stopped contact 10 years ago

Unless there's more* bloody phone always deletes something!

I’d be really sad about this OP.

as you say, it’s not about her, it’s about the fact that he has spent a fair chunk of your relationship thinking about someone else.

it would make me feel like I was someone he’d settled for and wasn’t a priority.

it also pretty shit that he hasn’t got the gumption to realise that what you have together is real.

have you thought about talking this through with a relationship therapist?

you deserve someone who thinks the world of you.

He was definitely upset that she had slept with another man. His behaviour that night was really disrespectful to you.

I think that he lets her take the lead and if she is flirty, he flirts back. Now she is in a relationship, the messages are innocent enough, but the fact that he has her saved under a male name is deceitful in itself.

You are not unreasonable to be concerned about the continued contact behind your back and the lies he has told.

I bet he would be very unhappy if you had a similar relationship with a male colleague and saved his number under a female name. You wouldn't do that if you didn't have something to hide.

I'm struggling to see what your dh has done wrong.
Unless talking to an former female colleague about work/mutual colleague etc and saving them under a different name is wrong.
I have numerous male colleagues saved under various names that I chat with sporadically?