DH messages from “Pick me!”

[Sus808]

Here I am, being that wife who finds messages on her husbands computer.

FFS, just finished typing and noticed how long this is, so sorry about that and I realise many can’t be arsed to read something this long!

Back story: DH used to work with this woman (single with a young kid), very good time girl, in there with all the men being one of the lads if you will, first one to suggest shots, “let’s all go to the casino/strip club”, full of ‘bants’… you get the picture. DH started to get mentionitis about her a lot, they’d talk a lot - this was pre covid so not as much Teams talk etc, but like catch up in the car on long journeys which centred around work but lots of lighthearted personal talk too (I know this because I was once in the car with him during one of these calls - she said on that call that he was being weird, which I assumed because I was in the car he wasn’t being as forthcoming with his chat as usual. I could feel around this time that he was basically having his head turned, but also felt she probably wouldn’t be physically attracted to him as she’s quite a lot more attractive than DH

Sorry realising this is getting long, but want to paint a full picture

She also came to our evening wedding reception and a lot of people mentioned to me how she was a bit handsy and flirtatious with DH (bearing in mind I’d said nothing about her to anyone). We then went to another wedding and she was there and sat out our table - she was OTT with all the men there, sitting on knees etc, getting drunk - I think at this point (maybe due to my comments and looks from others) DH realised what she was like and that she was like this with lots of men, not just him. She went up to her room with some random (much younger) man and I reckon DH was jealous of this as he got hammered and behaved very badly when we got back to the room.

They didn’t actually work together by this point but were still in the same industry. I told DH that the friendship/relationship with her made me uncomfortable and they stopped contact then. He hasn’t mentioned her and has been coy/awkward about her ever since. I saw a few years ago that she’d messaged him on Facebook messenger and he’d not replied. I’ve casually asked him a couple of times if he ever hears from her and he’s said no.

About two months ago DH and I were discussing a new phrase we’d heard: a “pick me” girl - I said that (let’s call her) Steph came to my mind straight away when I heard that phrase as she was the epitome of it. DH looked awkward and said nothing and that conversation ended.

Right finally we are up to today! DH went out and I needed to use the printer so went into his office to find his computer still logged on with all sorts opened on the screen. A WhatsApp message popped up on a group chat with his mates and it looked to be something pornographic so I scrolled through so see what kind of conversation they’d been having - turned out to be nothing but I noticed the contact beneath was Steph! Although named as Dave. I just recognised her picture. So I’ve scrolled through the messages and he’s been having regular contact with her since this time last year (that’s how far back the messages go) - now most of these messages are work related - they work in the same industry and have been discussing work related stuff in a very casual manner, asking about ex colleagues who have applied to work at their place etc, nothing flirtatious whatsoever. But they have been chatting at least fortnightly for a year and he’s not mentioned it. Also there’s “Are you at such and such conference today? Cool, I’ll come and find you there.”

I have looked her up on social media just now and she appears to be in a long term relationship with a woman, so looks like I’ve got nothing to worry about on that front (although I probably never did have anything to worry about regarding her interest in my DH), but obviously I’m pissed off that he’s been secretly in touch with this woman for so long and not said a word - because he knows I’ll be pissed off. The work chat looks innocent, but neither is it necessary - just like “Are you using X system? Is it any good” “John has applied for a job with us, what’s your opinion on him?” “Can you share my LinkedIn post? Cheers mate.”

I shouldn’t have snooped but I have. DH left computer logged on so isn’t being secretive, but Steph is saved as Dave and they’ve been chatting even this morning. DH is home now and is downstairs while I am upstairs. I keep going into the office hoping she’ll respond to his latest message (from this morning) so I can say I’ve seen her pop up, but she’s not done. What can I say to DH to get this conversation started without admitting that I’ve snooped? And what do I even want the outcome to be?!

Surely this is your biggest concern ?

To me it sounds like he fancied her and enjoyed the attention she gave him.

With your observations of her and his own reflections, he realised he was being "no fool like an old fool" and ceased social contact. He knows you were upset by the fact that he had his head turned by her.

His contact with her is now professional only. It doesn't look like he has any intention of flirting or being one of the minions she surrounds herself with to satisfy her pride at being the girl that men drool over. If you didn't know, they were in contact, this situation would actually be OK. He is not expending any romantic time and energy on her.

But you DO know and now you are uncomfortable. I feel you would be within your rights to ask him to cease all contact. However, you do this and she has won: The "pick me" girl loves to know that women fear her and shield their husbands from her sexy glow. Your husband may secretly be puffed up with pride that two women are fighting for his affection, so she will have achieved her outcome. (I honestly believe that pick me girls are not about gaining power over men at all; it's the women they want to subjugate)

If you don't say anything to him, you'll have that nagging insecurity that will suck a bit of joy from your everyday life.

If I was you, I'd 'fess up. Tell him I had seen the messages, I know they're only work related, I trust him and can see why he didn't want me to know they had been in contact. You don't want to police his thoughts and interactions, as far as this fucking annoying woman goes, you'd be a lot happier if he was a bit more transparent going forward.

Best outcome: he decides to bin her off completely himself, with you overtly telling him.

Do you really view your husband as completely unattractive? You do appear to.

Yes to all of this, thank you!

If it was all based on now I would have no issue whatsoever - platonic professional chat, not talking about her constantly (although now not at all despite the contact!), she appears to have grown up and calmed down a lot. DH chats with plenty of female colleagues and I have no issues about that whatsoever, I never have - it was just this situation and this woman whereby issues arose. But it’s not just based on now, it’s based on then and now it’s based on the secrecy.

I am going to bring it up, just need to decide how best and when. We go on holiday in a few days from now and have lots going on before departing. I can’t hold it in and not say anything, but it’s not ideal timing!

"she said on that call that he was being weird"

Commiserative Ugh! That is not the way you talk to a work colleague, and I can understand why this would set your teeth on edge.

However, I agree with others, the problem is not her, but his lack of honesty with you, and secret squirrel other life. Unfortunately it's not clear why he would change his behaviour now, even if you have it out with him - you already tried that.

I'd ask him if he's heard from Dave recently and see how he reacts. If he waffles and covers it up then Id just tell him what you've said here - you're not bothered they've been in contact and met up, but you are bothered by him saving her under a mans name and never mentioning them meeting at conferences due to the history (which he is aware of because otherwise he wouldnt have used a pseudonym for her)

So you believe he's actually been meeting up with her at conferences and so on?

You aren't the only one thinking along those lines @Headingtowardsdivorce. I'm with you here.

I wouldn't be able to hold this in. The conversation would go:

Me: How's your mate?
Him: Which one?
Me: Tesco Dave. You know, the one you needed to save under a different name on your phone to disguise that it's Steph.

Then. Say. Nothing

His reaction will tell you everything. I always knew when my ExH was lying as he repeated every question I ever asked him just to give himself more time to think of an answer or try and remember what lie he had told me.

She isn’t doing that for attention. The days of snogging other women to get male attention should have been left back in the late teen years, early 20’s latest!! 😆 It sounds like she is one big giant flirt, and totally mental to be honest. She maybe very insecure, she maybe confused, men or women which one? She’s highly unlikely to be faithful to either because she isn’t stable not because of her bisexuality. Plenty of bisexuals are very faithful in their relationships. I wouldn’t trust him or her just cause she says she’s happy. Social media lies

And you're worried about her? He sounds appalling.

I would imagine he is waiting in the wings for her relationship to founder and he would be in like Flynn!

I think it depends on how you feel about him yourself but his behaviour at the wedding, when he knew someone else was getting the benefit of her, would make me feel so sick, I think I would have left him at that point.

Could you say nothing, just accept he's a liar and keep a close eye on the messages somehow? The second they tip over into more than they are now, LTB? This would give your DC a chance to grow up a bit more and you can get advice along the way so you have an exit strategy.

Failing that, leave. You owe him nothing. he has lied to your face over a hot button issue that even he has agreed he has behaved badly over.

An attractive, outgoing, flirty, bantery, pretend lesbian/bi (shes definately straight, btw, but these women will stoop to anything for male attention). Is she also blonde and very smiley? Very dangerous combination. Stop the contact, OP....

I don’t think many straight women would go to the lengths of having a long-term relationship with a woman just to get male attention! The fact she’s with a woman now doesn’t mean she’s not into men. She could easily be bi or pansexual. She sounds like a massive flirt and attention seeker. Don’t necessarily think it sounds like she was into him, but it does sound like he was (maybe still is) into her. If I was your DH I’d be super embarrassed I was drawn in by her and thought I was special. She clearly just loves male attention. People like that are SO annoying. It’s the lying that is the problem. I’d confront him about that

If it was innocent, why the fake name? The dishonesty is a huge red flag.

I think you run the risk of ruining your holiday and potentially ending your marriage over something which sounds like it is quite trivial (if you have wider trust issues though then there is something fundamental which does need to be addressed).

Ten years ago you would have all been different people - she has clearly changed and maybe your DH has grown up too. I suspect the reason he hasn’t told you is because he knows you have asked him not to speak with this woman, but he sees their messages as a nothing (all boring work related) so it’s not worth troubling your marriage over (and it sounds like he did follow your rules for a long time).

I would mirror this and not raise the fact you have been snooping which could totally undermine the trust he has in you. My view is what you have done is as bad, if not worse, than what he has been doing by omitting his banal messages with her.

I think you should only bother raising it with him if you have wider trust issues and/or you’re aware that in doing so it could spell the end of your marriage.

Just ask him - who is Dave? His reaction will tell you everything.

@Sus808 I don't see what the issue is.

There is clearly nothing happening, because as you just explained, she's much more attractive than DH and she's behaving this way towards all men, not just DH. We all know at least one woman who has a veneer of being wild, but would never actually have sex with the men that she knows.

So they've been messaging... fortnightly. Not daily or once every two days, but every fortnite. So what? Some people message their friends every 2 weeks, I thought that was normal.

I would be saying “how is Dave lately” the fact that he is hiding her by changing her name in his phone is unacceptable and I’d be completely pissed off

There's a summary of this that goes — 'I married a man that no-one else would ever fancy, just to be safe, but this notorious floozy has always liked him as a friend anyway, and it infuriates me that someone enjoys and values him.'

Did any of them get handsy and flirty with you at your wedding?
Did you ever get angry and have a tantrum in front of your partner when you saw one of those men go off with another woman?
And did you partner ever express that he was uncomfortable with any of the friendships/relationships?

This isn’t about the other woman. It’s about the disrespect he showed you years ago which you let go but never healed from.

If my H had become jealous of another woman having sex with a random man, to the point he got angry I would have found it difficult to forgive. You know deep down he had/ has feelings and is attracted to her. The only reason it wasn’t an affair is because for her it was a bit of attention and she didn’t want him. If she had it would have been a completely different situation. Him continuing to contact her is him continuing the fantasy in his mind that they could have been something. He’s hiding it because he knows it’s wrong to communicate with someone he would cheat with if the opportunity arose. The fact the opportunity is unlikely to arise would not be enough for me. It would give me the total ick that he was sniffing around her like a love struck teenager. Totally unattractive.

I'd just ask him straight up who's Tesco Dave and watch his reaction like a hawk.

She doesn’t really sound like a ‘pick me’ girl at all. She has picked someone else.

I would totally do this.