DH messages from “Pick me!”

[Sus808]

Here I am, being that wife who finds messages on her husbands computer.

FFS, just finished typing and noticed how long this is, so sorry about that and I realise many can’t be arsed to read something this long!

Back story: DH used to work with this woman (single with a young kid), very good time girl, in there with all the men being one of the lads if you will, first one to suggest shots, “let’s all go to the casino/strip club”, full of ‘bants’… you get the picture. DH started to get mentionitis about her a lot, they’d talk a lot - this was pre covid so not as much Teams talk etc, but like catch up in the car on long journeys which centred around work but lots of lighthearted personal talk too (I know this because I was once in the car with him during one of these calls - she said on that call that he was being weird, which I assumed because I was in the car he wasn’t being as forthcoming with his chat as usual. I could feel around this time that he was basically having his head turned, but also felt she probably wouldn’t be physically attracted to him as she’s quite a lot more attractive than DH

Sorry realising this is getting long, but want to paint a full picture

She also came to our evening wedding reception and a lot of people mentioned to me how she was a bit handsy and flirtatious with DH (bearing in mind I’d said nothing about her to anyone). We then went to another wedding and she was there and sat out our table - she was OTT with all the men there, sitting on knees etc, getting drunk - I think at this point (maybe due to my comments and looks from others) DH realised what she was like and that she was like this with lots of men, not just him. She went up to her room with some random (much younger) man and I reckon DH was jealous of this as he got hammered and behaved very badly when we got back to the room.

They didn’t actually work together by this point but were still in the same industry. I told DH that the friendship/relationship with her made me uncomfortable and they stopped contact then. He hasn’t mentioned her and has been coy/awkward about her ever since. I saw a few years ago that she’d messaged him on Facebook messenger and he’d not replied. I’ve casually asked him a couple of times if he ever hears from her and he’s said no.

About two months ago DH and I were discussing a new phrase we’d heard: a “pick me” girl - I said that (let’s call her) Steph came to my mind straight away when I heard that phrase as she was the epitome of it. DH looked awkward and said nothing and that conversation ended.

Right finally we are up to today! DH went out and I needed to use the printer so went into his office to find his computer still logged on with all sorts opened on the screen. A WhatsApp message popped up on a group chat with his mates and it looked to be something pornographic so I scrolled through so see what kind of conversation they’d been having - turned out to be nothing but I noticed the contact beneath was Steph! Although named as Dave. I just recognised her picture. So I’ve scrolled through the messages and he’s been having regular contact with her since this time last year (that’s how far back the messages go) - now most of these messages are work related - they work in the same industry and have been discussing work related stuff in a very casual manner, asking about ex colleagues who have applied to work at their place etc, nothing flirtatious whatsoever. But they have been chatting at least fortnightly for a year and he’s not mentioned it. Also there’s “Are you at such and such conference today? Cool, I’ll come and find you there.”

I have looked her up on social media just now and she appears to be in a long term relationship with a woman, so looks like I’ve got nothing to worry about on that front (although I probably never did have anything to worry about regarding her interest in my DH), but obviously I’m pissed off that he’s been secretly in touch with this woman for so long and not said a word - because he knows I’ll be pissed off. The work chat looks innocent, but neither is it necessary - just like “Are you using X system? Is it any good” “John has applied for a job with us, what’s your opinion on him?” “Can you share my LinkedIn post? Cheers mate.”

I shouldn’t have snooped but I have. DH left computer logged on so isn’t being secretive, but Steph is saved as Dave and they’ve been chatting even this morning. DH is home now and is downstairs while I am upstairs. I keep going into the office hoping she’ll respond to his latest message (from this morning) so I can say I’ve seen her pop up, but she’s not done. What can I say to DH to get this conversation started without admitting that I’ve snooped? And what do I even want the outcome to be?!

Yeah it’s not a surprise he’s hiding it if OP would be pissed off.

I do believe if I just randomly bring her up, like someone called Steph is on TV, I could say in a casual, non-accusatory way “Do you never hear from Steph from old work anymore?” I do think he’d say “Oh yea, been in touch with her recently actually about work” but downplay the the length of time or how frequently unless asked. However then I don’t get to say “Why have you got her saved as a Dave then?!” BUT if I admit the way I actually know, then I’m aware I look like an arse hole.

Glad you said this bigvig, saved me form say exactly same.

I found a message in my DH’s phone once that bothered me.

I didn’t bother with all this nonsense. I didn’t care if he thought I’d snooped. I had. He was behaving weirdly and I looked when he was in the shower. He was secretly relieved I’d found it (irrelevant but someone who fancied him for his number and send an inappropriate message that he didn’t reply to. He didn’t tell me about it and then it got too long to. Anyway!)

the point is you’re married and hopefully have a good relationship. Personally I’d just say

’look Tony. You’d left the computer logged in this morning and WhatsApp was open. I recognised Tesco Dave’s profile picture and can see this is actually Steph. You’re back in contact, you haven’t told me and you’ve actively kept it secret by saving her with a different name. No more fucking around, what’s going on?’

it doesn’t need to be more than that.

he doesn’t get to be angry for you snooping.

The fact is you do know, it doesnt matter how you know, and it's the history that is setting your spider senses tingling.

● He has her saved as an alias
● He went loco at the wedding when she slept with someone else
● She said he was acting weird on the phone when unaware of your presence
● She felt comfortable enough to flirt with him on your wedding day.
● He maintains they barely contact each other but you know it's fortnightly and they meet up outside of this

If none of the above happened you wouldn't be bothered by the messaging. I'd be prepared to be the arse hole here, but he still needs to acknowledge your feelings.

I don't understand how you can see his WhatsApp on his computer when he's not there. With mine, I always need to link back with my phone to open it on the laptop. Is there a way to keep it open all the time? (would be easier for me).

"He has her saved as an alias"

What would be the point of that if her photo shows up?

I’ve just sneaked another look and there have been a couple of messages per day over the last couple of weeks - all still work related (albeit some gossiping about ex colleagues) and 10 days ago she’s asked if he wants to go to a sporting event with her - just like “This is on if you fancy it?” Doesn’t say where and we live at least a couple of hours from her. DH has replied “I’d rather watch paint dry. Only sport I find less exciting than this is cricket.” She didn’t reply to that, but the messages resume the next day about something on LinkedIn.

It's really not ok to keep looking through someone else's private messages.

Why not just be honest with him? Just tell him you noticed something pop up on his screen, it peaked your interest, next moment you’re down a rabbit hole and discovered he’s name changed Steph in his contacts and why the hell would he do that. Yeah you probably shouldn’t be snooping, but he also shouldn’t have anything to hide either.

Ok, thanks for your feedback 👍

I've come across plenty of people who have done what your husband has done because their partner doesn't like an innocent friendship. I work with someone now whose wife doesn't like him talking to the women at work so he ends up lying to her. There is nothing wrong going on but it's hard for someone to say to someone else that they can't speak anymore for no real reason, especially if they are work contacts.
I'd be annoyed too but as an outsider looking in, if you trust your husband and don't think he is up to mischief I'd let it go.

I really don’t think he is this time, and if it was just this then I would have no issues (as him having other female colleagues as friends doesn’t bother me) - this is purely based on past events and now that he’s having seemingly secret contact with her with her named stored as someone different.

From what you've said those messages don't sound like a cause for concern.

Can I ask how long after your own wedding the other wedding took place where your husband went ballistic? It does sound an extreme reaction, and perhaps you didn't deal with at the time as you were newly wed with a very young child, understandably. Perhaps it's some kind of delayed reaction to that. You said Steph appears to have settled down and matured in the intervening years. I would like to think your husband has matured, too. Maybe he no longer carries a torch - or whatever it was which caused his outburst at the hotel - but just still likes her as a friend but kept at a distance and mostly work related for old time's sake or something. But he didn't mention it to you as he couldn't be arsed having a big conversation about it and knew it made you uncomfortable.

Seems like you have taken a dislike to this 'pick me' girl as you call her. And you see her as a threat. Are you jealous of her? Sounds very much like you are judging the girl when actually she doesn't seem to have done much wrong. And neither has your DH for that matter.

You sound controlling telling him you don't like the way she is around him and practically made him feel he can't be friends with her, because you sound threatened by her. But he actually seems to have a good working friendship with her and obviously wants to keep it going. The only thing he seems to have done wrong, IMO, is lie to you that he is still in touch with her. Only because he knows its likely you won't like it and will give him a hard time for it.

And yes, your DH may have lied about still being in touch with her, but you have snooped on his laptop. Why the hell did you do that? You obviously have absolutely no trust in him at all. My DH leaves his laptop open and available to me all the time (as I do him) and not once have I ever been tempted to snoop at his private messages/whatsapp messages. Even if you didn't deliberately go looking for messages from her, you still saw his laptop open and made the choice to snoop at his private messages.

And you have found this girl on social media also? Poking around to see if she is in a relationship or not? Why? The messages between your DH and her are clearly platonic, no flirting.

I think its possible you have made it up in your head that your DH likes her, fancies her and would have his head turned by her purely because you don't like her 'one of the lads' flirty banterish personality.

Why are people assuming that she's 'no threat' because she's with a woman? Bisexuals exist!

Well, I think you are entitled to look, he is lying by omission virtually on a daily basis.
He knows you don't like her & why. He was very much interested in her advances at one point.
He has lied saying they are not in contact.
He persists.
No point in stalling, "So I was on the office computer earlier, Can you tell me why you are calling Steph, Dave ? & without blustering about privacy.
As far as I can tell, if it's harmless contact there's no need to lie ....
I'm fed up with this bollox"

This doesn't sound like they're having a torrid affair. If he wanted to be with her he'd jump at the chance to be with her, whether he like the sport or not. On this occasion at least, Pick Me Girl wasn't picked!

Talking to former female colleague? Why? Why talk to colleagues outside of work? Work and personal life should be separate at all times.

Yes, mine stats open all the time unless I shut the computer down. Have you downloaded WhatsApp for windows? Or are you using the mobile version? I use WhatsApp for windows and it's on permanent

I agree.

I'd ask if he'd heard from her to see the response.. and then I'd just fess up and say when I was printing in the office today I saw and so on.
You weren't officially snooping... it was right in your face.
Of course you are allowed to question it.
He's been secretive. But it would be good to hear his side of things too.

If he goes on about the snooping aspect.. just get back to the topic in hand which is why has he pretended not to be in contact anymore.

At least then its all out in the open. Otherwise its just going to eat away at you and cause lingering resentment on both sides, with neither of you saying what's wrong.
You weren't afraid to say that it made you uncomfortable before and it still does.. so say it.

I'd have a think about what would you need to resolve this? What would you like the outcome to be? and work out how you can achieve it.

Because many people like their colleagues enough to be friends, it’s a huge way to make friends in life.

I would agree with this IF the husband had no history of any kind with this woman. So if OP was one of those people who can't bear for their spouse to have any friends or even acquaintances of the opposite sex, I would be the first in line to call her controlling and would actually advise her husband to dump her or at the very least stand up to her. However, this situation isn't quite like that. The OP's husband has been quite disrespectful to the OP with how he has behaved around this woman, so I don't blame her at all for being wary and also for keeping an eye on the situation.

On threads like these I don't understand the timid nonsense of 'I did not not mean to snoop', 'I opened it by accident' is just that - nonsense. Husband and wife should not have anything separate, they are 'one'. It does not mean that people will rummage in each other's inboxes, but they should be aware, that upon marriage they 'forsake all others' and their inbox is no longer just theirs - their spouses can look into it.

I told my dh before marriage (and before Apps were the norm) that I should carry out checks of his pockets, etc. if I felt like it and said he was free to withdraw his marriage proposal. There should be no 'private life' for a married person vis-a-vis their spouse, if it is a real marriage.

I don't trust my husband and my dc, I only trust God. I don't rely on them not to betray me is what I am trying to say.

Some people are brought up properly and understand that on marriage a person forsakes all others, others are not brought up properly, thus threads like 'there is nothing wrong for dh or dw to have friends of the opposite gender' to start with and then 'oh, what should I do - he/she are having an emotional affair'. If people are stupid and don't understand that the progression from 'having a friend/mate of the opposite sex' to 'an emotional affair' is inevitable, they need to be told before marriage 'no friends of the opposite sex'. Normally brought up people don't need to be told, they just understand and will cut ties with bachelor/bachelorette life style at the stag party/hen do, as it is meant to happen.

It is really not OK not to understand that husband and wife are one and there could be no private messages in a marriage. Ever.