Your advice needed - split up or not

[CatWithAGreenHat]

Hi fellow mumsnetters, i could do with a bit of your insight and advice.

I’ve been with this man for about 10months now amd situation arose (again) which makes me question whether this is right for me. I will write down some facts that i think are relevant as objectively as i can and without passing my own judgement.

We are both divorced, i’m on friendly terms with my ex and we coparent and rub along allright. All i would expect from amicable divorce. My partner, he had a difficult divorce, she is a narcissist and gaslighted him etc etc. 3 kids, he sees 2 but not the eldest (complex situation i won’t go into at this point).

He is calm, analytical and we fit well in many ways. Similar world views, interests, financial attitudes and expectations from a relationship. We both are both after long term stable relationship and it’s going well, most of the time.

Thing is, over time i have noticed he can be very inflexible when it comes to me raising concerns about quite often something quite minor in his behavious that upsets me. He says he has no issue apologising if he’s done something wrong but to me it feels like that rarely happens. A lot of the times minor things escalate into bigger issues, i feel this is because instead of just saying ‘sorry, i see i upset you’, he starts analysing situation and proving thay there is no reason for me to be upset. So simple things that would be resolved with quick ‘sorry’ escalate into prolonged texts or emails where i feel like i have to prove why i got upset about particular issue.

We don’t argue as such. There is no shouting. We talk in texts or emails. That is a positive because in my marriage i was used to blazing shouty rows so this feels so much more level headed and calm. Still, im starting to feel that his reluctance to apologise is starting to really grate on me. He says because of his marriage, he will not apologise if he doesn’t feel he’s done something wrong. I can understand that. But i can’t help but start feeling resentful and unheard.

We are currently in one of the ‘arguments’ and we still send texts to each other signing out with xx and say ‘love you’ at the end of the day.

I am meant to see him on friday and have been thinking about this a lot. I feel like i cannot get upset ever because that will get invalidated when all i want is a quick sorry and us moving on from the situation. He seems to be incapable of doing that.

I am starting to wonder if this is right for me, in fact im starting to wonder if it is always me raising things needlessly. He thinks it is. But then part of me feels like this is not normal and it’s eroding something in me even though we have a lot of good things going.

Any advice? Thanks if you got to the end of this.

9-10 months, you are doing well @Sunflowers67 .
Every time we split up and then made up, it seemed that things might change, i had hope (albeit diminishing with each round). I now reached the point where i believe we are past change and don’t even want to entertain that as an option.

Gut feeling has been a big factor in this. I will never know whether he’s certifiable covert narc, just some traits or whether the problem is me. But gut feeling was telling me things are not right. He’s not violent or threatening at all but i still felt like something is off and missing.

@Imgoingtobefree funny enough, he said from the start that he wants us to openly raise issues. That his ex wife never ever did, apparently it was him who once or so a year would try to have a ‘talk’ about their issues. Which i now don’t believe is true. I do feel that as time went on i was less keen to raise things, because i knew exactly how he will react, deny, then prove why whatever i complained about isn’t really am issue and make me feel like i am the unstable and unreasonable one in our relationship. There was never a hint of ‘ok… i see how xyz i did might have made you feel like this, perhaps i could have done things differently’. None of that, just deny, prove im wrong and be hurt by whatever im raising. I have to admit, i did feel ashamed and guilty in the end and quite often terrified that i have some mental instability in me and am ruining a perfectly normal and good relationship with him.

But then, part me would get angry and think, fuck this, this is not right.

Does he see me as his equal? I suppose so, i don’t really know. I think in his eyes i am a bit unhinged, emotional and reactive.

Worst part of it was that it was making me feel like i can’t trust myself and my own judgement/feelings. I know i am capable and independent and this was a very uneasy feeling. I suppose this is how narcs erode you over time, destabilise your mental health and trust in yourself. If i felt like this on occassion after just 1 year i can’t even imagine what state you’d be in after, say, 10. It must be horrible.

So whether he is an actual covert narc or it’s just my armchair diagnosis is irrelevant tbh. I can’t let someone destabilise me like this, i have kids and they need me.

I've been following this thread, and just want to congratulate you OP on the stand you have taken, and wish you well.

A lot of what you have described rings true for me as I supported my daughter through leaving an abusive relationship. A couple of books that we found really helpful are 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship' by Patricia Evans, and 'Why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft. Both are classics about abusive relationships.

10 months in and like this! Leave quickly

May I suggest you look up Why Women Talk and Men Walk book? It's the best one of relationships I found.

I think it explains your dynamic very clearly

I hope it helps