Your advice needed - split up or not

[CatWithAGreenHat]

Hi fellow mumsnetters, i could do with a bit of your insight and advice.

I’ve been with this man for about 10months now amd situation arose (again) which makes me question whether this is right for me. I will write down some facts that i think are relevant as objectively as i can and without passing my own judgement.

We are both divorced, i’m on friendly terms with my ex and we coparent and rub along allright. All i would expect from amicable divorce. My partner, he had a difficult divorce, she is a narcissist and gaslighted him etc etc. 3 kids, he sees 2 but not the eldest (complex situation i won’t go into at this point).

He is calm, analytical and we fit well in many ways. Similar world views, interests, financial attitudes and expectations from a relationship. We both are both after long term stable relationship and it’s going well, most of the time.

Thing is, over time i have noticed he can be very inflexible when it comes to me raising concerns about quite often something quite minor in his behavious that upsets me. He says he has no issue apologising if he’s done something wrong but to me it feels like that rarely happens. A lot of the times minor things escalate into bigger issues, i feel this is because instead of just saying ‘sorry, i see i upset you’, he starts analysing situation and proving thay there is no reason for me to be upset. So simple things that would be resolved with quick ‘sorry’ escalate into prolonged texts or emails where i feel like i have to prove why i got upset about particular issue.

We don’t argue as such. There is no shouting. We talk in texts or emails. That is a positive because in my marriage i was used to blazing shouty rows so this feels so much more level headed and calm. Still, im starting to feel that his reluctance to apologise is starting to really grate on me. He says because of his marriage, he will not apologise if he doesn’t feel he’s done something wrong. I can understand that. But i can’t help but start feeling resentful and unheard.

We are currently in one of the ‘arguments’ and we still send texts to each other signing out with xx and say ‘love you’ at the end of the day.

I am meant to see him on friday and have been thinking about this a lot. I feel like i cannot get upset ever because that will get invalidated when all i want is a quick sorry and us moving on from the situation. He seems to be incapable of doing that.

I am starting to wonder if this is right for me, in fact im starting to wonder if it is always me raising things needlessly. He thinks it is. But then part of me feels like this is not normal and it’s eroding something in me even though we have a lot of good things going.

Any advice? Thanks if you got to the end of this.

i have broke up with him after 3 hrs in a pub.

I can’t say i’m upset. I feel 10% sad as i put 10 months into this and 90% relieved

I’m nearly 45 and yet still learning to trust my gut. At least this one was quite easy because there is a red flag galore and he said nothing to make them feel less. I’m going to focus back on my career and myself as that’s the only thing that makes difference.

Thank you for everyobody’s input, you might not think so but it made a big massive difference. Made me stop and think. Mumsnet at its best

Oh OP.

Honestly, they always say that.

It's never true. He's lying. I do not believe that his ex is a narcissist.

He might well be one, though.

Well done.
That was brave of you and it was the right thing to do. You've saved yourself endless heartache.

He’s a narcassist always someone else’s fault .
gaslighting you that your now questioning yourself . You eill
no longer believe your feelings are valid .

I think you know you have to end this .

did it take three hours or something happened .
Either way well done .

He says because of his marriage, he will not apologise if he doesn’t feel he’s done something wrong.

Breaking up with him has been the right thing to do. Yes, you may feel that you wasted ten months, but it's better than staying in a bad relationship.

I’ve spent 12 years, 5 of them in a bad marriage where i knew it was all wrong. At least i developed the ability to detach quickly

We talked. Circular fashion as it goes with me and him. And when i came out of the loo he was going home. He disappeared to the mens loo and i waited for 5 seconds and then just decided to walk.

My ex has no relationship with one of his children. I know he goes around telling people that its parental alienation. i can 100% say its nothing if the sort, but he just can’t be accountable for his part in their relationship breakdown.
Huge, HUGE red flag.

Thank you. There’s always 2 sides to the story isn’t it

The question is, is that do you want to do this little dance for him forever bc I’m thinking that this is as good as it’ll ever get. Think about it. It won’t get better, he sounds dunce

I’m not dancing for anyone. I’m divorced, been through the wringer. It’s either right or it isn’t. He sounded right in the beginning but every munor thing is so tedious. I’d rather be alone and cooarenting with my ex who we are ok friends with. It’s simple and straightforward. And no headfuck. This to me started to feel like headfuck and i don’t like it at all.

I’m so glad to hear that. I wish you the best and you don’t need that in your life. You sound strong so hopefully everything works out for the best for you.

Well done - treat yourself to something lovely this weekend and celebrate 👏

If you had posted your example asking if you were needy without setting the scene, I expect most responses would have said you were in fact needy

Using this example implies that you regard it as quite high value but many people wouldn't.

It sounds like a case of you not being suited to each other rather than him spoiling for a fight.

Whew I am SO relieved to read that you’ve broken up with him.
someone who refuses to validate your feelings is not good relationship material! It’s not about being “wrong” - which makes it all about him and his ego- it’s that our feelings are always valid. Always. Whether or not they’re logical.
being able to validate someone’s feelings in compassion is a really important trait.

he’s likely the “narcissist,” as a few other people said - I’d be interested to hear his ex’s side of the story.

he sounds exhausting. Onward to better people, OP

I always think, if you have to ask if you should you be together then you shouldn't be. There should be no doubt where things like this are concerned.

It’s interesting because a close relative has had exactly this situation in a six month relationship. They have just split up. Don’t waste any more time on this man. He lacks emotional intelligence and maturity. It will never work.

No need for ANY further conversations or texts with him.

I empathise with your turmoil. But … only 10 months in and it’s come to this? Ugh … imagine 10 years ! The answer is screaming out at you … Despite the ‘good’ bits You. Two. Are. Incompatible . He is not going to suddenly change character. His baggage will inevitably make the situation worse. You’re hurting already. For your own sake - end it. By text if necessary.

Well done OP, I hope you have a nice weekend and celebrate putting yourself first

I couldn’t be bothered with all this. It’s 10 months of dating. You’ve tried him on. He doesn’t fit. Glad to see you’ve come to the same conclusion!