Your advice needed - split up or not

[CatWithAGreenHat]

Hi fellow mumsnetters, i could do with a bit of your insight and advice.

I’ve been with this man for about 10months now amd situation arose (again) which makes me question whether this is right for me. I will write down some facts that i think are relevant as objectively as i can and without passing my own judgement.

We are both divorced, i’m on friendly terms with my ex and we coparent and rub along allright. All i would expect from amicable divorce. My partner, he had a difficult divorce, she is a narcissist and gaslighted him etc etc. 3 kids, he sees 2 but not the eldest (complex situation i won’t go into at this point).

He is calm, analytical and we fit well in many ways. Similar world views, interests, financial attitudes and expectations from a relationship. We both are both after long term stable relationship and it’s going well, most of the time.

Thing is, over time i have noticed he can be very inflexible when it comes to me raising concerns about quite often something quite minor in his behavious that upsets me. He says he has no issue apologising if he’s done something wrong but to me it feels like that rarely happens. A lot of the times minor things escalate into bigger issues, i feel this is because instead of just saying ‘sorry, i see i upset you’, he starts analysing situation and proving thay there is no reason for me to be upset. So simple things that would be resolved with quick ‘sorry’ escalate into prolonged texts or emails where i feel like i have to prove why i got upset about particular issue.

We don’t argue as such. There is no shouting. We talk in texts or emails. That is a positive because in my marriage i was used to blazing shouty rows so this feels so much more level headed and calm. Still, im starting to feel that his reluctance to apologise is starting to really grate on me. He says because of his marriage, he will not apologise if he doesn’t feel he’s done something wrong. I can understand that. But i can’t help but start feeling resentful and unheard.

We are currently in one of the ‘arguments’ and we still send texts to each other signing out with xx and say ‘love you’ at the end of the day.

I am meant to see him on friday and have been thinking about this a lot. I feel like i cannot get upset ever because that will get invalidated when all i want is a quick sorry and us moving on from the situation. He seems to be incapable of doing that.

I am starting to wonder if this is right for me, in fact im starting to wonder if it is always me raising things needlessly. He thinks it is. But then part of me feels like this is not normal and it’s eroding something in me even though we have a lot of good things going.

Any advice? Thanks if you got to the end of this.

Valid point, same as @Dunnocantthinkofone and believe me i can see that.

Im leaning towards thinking i might be blowing things out of proportion.

On the other hand, narcissist ex makes me wonder and question all sorts of scenarios.

Btw, i appreciate all your responses, they are helping

How does he enhance your life at all?. He sounds completely insufferable and replete with red flags galore, not least with regards to his children particularly the eldest. I would be rid of him.

Honestly OP your example is ridiculous and no I wouldn’t apologise in that scenario because he’s don’t nothing t apologise for. Think you’re being very over dramatic there.

However the so called crazy ex, only having 30% custody and not seeing his eldest are massive red flags imo - do you really want this much drama?

"she is a narcissist and gaslighted him etc etc"

So he says. There's two sides to every story OP.

We are compatible on many levels. I feel grounded with him and can see long term potential.

Apart from the issues im posting here about.

Thank you, i take that onboard.

Tbh, my overreaction might be a red herring here. I am concerned about narc ex and what that means. As such, there is no drama, they’ve had court set days at his for years and only communicate re kids and holidays via email. He is respectful towards her in his emails, i’ve seen a few.

But still, i am wary.

I totally get that. But there seems no way to know either way (whether he’s right, it happens; or he’s telling stories), sadly

I can see that in the long term he’ll never be wrong and you’ll learn to keep quiet.

I don’t think you’re blowing things out of proportion op. The dynamic you get stuck in with him is emotionally depleting you, causing you to doubt yourself. If you felt hurt/rejected/insecure in the moment then you are allowed to feel that way. Expressing that to him is showing vulnerability and being brave as you want to reconnect and heal the rift. When he gets stuck in the facts/I didn’t do anything wrong he’s missing the point.

put your emotional well-being first op. You can try explaining to him that talking about the facts is unhelpful and even hurtful for you, because you’re not trying to criticise him or call him a bad person you simply want to let him know how that incident landed for you in the moment, and you need him to show he cares about how you feel. A simple “I hear you, I’m sorry you’re upset, thank you for sharing” would be better than nothing.

dont get drawn into long back and forths with him trying to justify your feelings. You’ll end up more upset and confused. Tell him you need to leave the conversation there as he is unable to hold space for your feelings. You hold space for them yourself by reminding yourself that you’re allowed to be upset.

if he is unable to become more emotionally available it would be a deal breaker for me

They’ve been to court re kids access and going by his account 30% is because she had expensive lawyers and he didn’t. She doesn’t work and wanted more money.

OP, please give us other examples. Lots of us are asking, not because we wish to pry, but because we’re trying to understand the situation and that’s not possible with a fingoe example.

And you know that’s nonsense, surely?

How could she afford expensive lawyers if she wasn't working?

That is what you have been told likely by him and the actual truth is likely to be something else entirely.

Do not underestimate the red flags here re him; the so called crazy ex, the lack of relationship with his eldest child, the overall small amount of custody he has.

you likely don’t row with him either because he’s trained you to believe it’s a waste of time arguing with him. He has an answer for everything.

the saying sorry for not replying to a text is nothing - no idea why you expected an apology for it.

But the narrative of crazy ex wanting more money, alienating a child etc etc. Now that would have all my red flags waving.

And why do you see long term potential in someone you feel wary about?. You need a partner, not a fixer upper or a project and being over invested is a thing.

Family help

I would question the “ narcissistic “ ex that’s a serious mental health disorder ? Really ?

I would not pick at anyone who failed to say I love you when busy in a meeting

however this is a young relationship and you are having lots of disagreements and have incompatible needs so would question your long term future

Im starting to see this might br a red herring.

You are right about other stuff, i feel like that too.

Shit happens. His story might be true. What are the chances of that?

I think the issue is you are coming from different viewpoints. His actions are hurtful to you so you want an apology but from his point of view he did nothing wrong so why would he apologise?

You can’t expect an apology if his actions were reasonable and your reaction was not. Doesn’t mean he enjoys seeing you upset. I think you need to get better at communicating so he can understand your point of view even if he doesn’t agree.

But ultimately if the way you see life and relationships are completely different then there will be constant conflict. Neither of you should change who you are and what you expect from a relationship just to stop an argument.

If you think there is enough there to work with then focus on meeting each other in the middle. You can take things less personally and hope that he can be more sensitive in the way he approaches situations.

That is one of my worries here too.

Yes shit does happen. But not seeing one of your children at all is pretty serious shit. Personally I wouldn't want to be involved in that no matter what the ins and outs of it are.

This. I'd call it a day on balance. Your communication styles are incompatible.