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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner says he’s not going to ‘pander’ to me anymore

351 replies

Potentialfuturemother · 16/05/2025 22:41

So for a bit of background, we’ve been together for 12 years and are getting married this summer. We are both nearly 32 and are planning on having children next year. I am overall very happy in the relationship and love him very much. However the last few days we’ve had a couple of rows and the way he’s dealt with them is very different to usual. Everyone argues ofc and normally they’re two sided affairs. But the last two we’ve had it feels like he’s almost trying to stamp out my opinion. Today we disagreed about something he said (he tried to blame me for the dog hurting himself and getting a limp on a walk which I thought was outrageous) so I got annoyed and argued my point. He then came out with this narrative that from now on he’s not going to pander to me, that he said nothing wrong and that he’s going to be firmer from now on. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, he was speaking like I was a child. I’ve tried not to exacerbate the row and just let it be for now as he does sometimes get in weird tired moods and he’s had a very busy week at work. But I’m basically wondering if anyone else has experienced this and where this idea could be coming from.

OP posts:
AllProperTeaIsTheft · 16/05/2025 22:42

He then came out with this narrative that from now on he’s not going to pander to me, that he said nothing wrong and that he’s going to be firmer from now on.

Red flag. Don't marry him.

endofthelinefinally · 16/05/2025 22:43

Lucky he showed his true colours before you got pregnant. Most men like him wait until the woman is trapped. Be thankful you found out now. I am sorry,

PinkArt · 16/05/2025 22:44

Well the good news is that he's given you advance warning. Don't marry him. Don't have children with him.

Theunamedcat · 16/05/2025 22:44

He is showing you who he is it's up to you if you still love him and want to marry him

Personally I wouldn't have kids with him

JoeySchoolOfActing · 16/05/2025 22:44

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 16/05/2025 22:42

He then came out with this narrative that from now on he’s not going to pander to me, that he said nothing wrong and that he’s going to be firmer from now on.

Red flag. Don't marry him.

Agree.

So sorry that this painful, but end the relationship now he has shown you who he really is

Treesarenotforeating · 16/05/2025 22:44

No marriage no kids
get out while you can

DragonCity · 16/05/2025 22:45

This makes me feel like he's been reading some Andrew Tate style crap online.

Bunnyisputbackinthebox · 16/05/2025 22:45

Thank him very sincerely..
His actions have saved you being in an abusive marriage.. And saved your future dc from having a bully for a df...

whitewineandsun · 16/05/2025 22:46

Treesarenotforeating · 16/05/2025 22:44

No marriage no kids
get out while you can

Agree. There's no way I'd marry this man.

Gattopardo · 16/05/2025 22:47

Where could it be coming from??

Almost any social media, community or workplace environment.

Do you see yourself advising him you’re not going to pander to him any time soon? Naaaah.

Id wonder if he’s been co opted by some YouTube/ insta/ x brain rot.

equally, he could just be doing the misogynist pre marriage baboon show: don’t get ideas laydee, it’s all about me ;)

MaryGreenhill · 16/05/2025 22:49

Get rid OP

Thisshirtisonfire · 16/05/2025 22:50

My DH said exactly that to me once.
I left and went and stayed in a hotel for a week.
He eventually met me and explained he was very stressed about several issues at work. He genuinely apologised for speaking to me like that and I accepted his apology and returned home.
That was a few years ago and he's never spoken to me like that again.
I was really prepared to leave the marriage despite being pregnant at the time.
It's such a shitty thing to say... the arrogance and superiority. The inference that he's been putting up with your nonsense for an easy ride... which means he's been not actually saying what he thinks and just saying what he thinks you want to hear for years. All of its disgusting. Really demeaning, misogynistic and dehumanising.
I was absolutely livid so I don't blame you for being angry.

ScrollingLeaves · 16/05/2025 22:50

DragonCity · 16/05/2025 22:45

This makes me feel like he's been reading some Andrew Tate style crap online.

You may well be right.

Potentialfuturemother · 16/05/2025 22:50

So whilst I very much appreciate everyone’s input I genuinely don’t think that it’s fair to say ‘just don’t marry him’. This is someone I’ve lived with for 8 years and built a life with. He’s not abusive or horrible in any way. In fact he’s incredibly supportive and loving 99% of the time. I would really appreciate some more balanced opinions. No ones perfect and lots of people come up with crappy things to say sometimes. If it was a woman saying this would everyone have the same visceral reaction? I’m not sure.

OP posts:
dustydvd · 16/05/2025 22:53

I’ll lay a bet with anyone that the OP will ignore all comments and marry him, because she’s 32, and will be too old to start again and have kids.
And she loves him.
And he’s not normally like this.
And he’s under pressure at work.
And she provoked him.

🙄

ScrollingLeaves · 16/05/2025 22:54

Potentialfuturemother · 16/05/2025 22:50

So whilst I very much appreciate everyone’s input I genuinely don’t think that it’s fair to say ‘just don’t marry him’. This is someone I’ve lived with for 8 years and built a life with. He’s not abusive or horrible in any way. In fact he’s incredibly supportive and loving 99% of the time. I would really appreciate some more balanced opinions. No ones perfect and lots of people come up with crappy things to say sometimes. If it was a woman saying this would everyone have the same visceral reaction? I’m not sure.

The most generous interpretation is that he may be stressed because of wedding preparations and pressures and this is out of character. See if he apologises.

MiniCoopers · 16/05/2025 22:54

Could be pre marriage jitters and he’s hoping it’ll force you to postpone/cancel things so he doesn’t look like the baddy or just worth a conversation to ask what’s going on?

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 16/05/2025 22:55

‘He’s not abusive or horrible in any way’ ….yet.

He’s told you that things are going to change, and not to your advantage, but you can ignore it and just cling on.
Maybe you could call your house ‘ Dun Pandering’.

ChoppyChoppy · 16/05/2025 22:55

“Weird tired moods” oh dear, how would that work if you had kids.

OP, one of the most import things you have to do in life is choose a suitable father for your kids. This man sounds obnoxious.

LemonLimeOrangeKiwi · 16/05/2025 22:56

Where is this new found attitude coming from after all these years together? A friend? His mother?

It would seem to me like he has been talking about your relationship, and has been given some dodgy advice that he needs to put his foot down with you.

He doesn’t get to unilaterally decide you get no voice in this relationship suddenly.

Potentialfuturemother · 16/05/2025 22:56

God I hate the internet, imagine saying something as cold hearted and cruel as that to someone in real life.

OP posts:
Wynter25 · 16/05/2025 22:57

You deserve better x

Sunnygin · 16/05/2025 22:57

PinkArt · 16/05/2025 22:44

Well the good news is that he's given you advance warning. Don't marry him. Don't have children with him.

Dear God....Don't pander him...or in real life.....get rid of him!!! ....massive RED flag

GentlemanJay · 16/05/2025 22:57

All the signs are there. He’s telling you what he’s actually like.

Gattopardo · 16/05/2025 22:58

@dustydvd 100%

Some of us have done just that. Disaster.

if you’re lucky/ clever/ rich/ incredibly strong willed, you can come out the other end. Otherwise ….