Partner says he’s not going to ‘pander’ to me anymore

[Potentialfuturemother]

So for a bit of background, we’ve been together for 12 years and are getting married this summer. We are both nearly 32 and are planning on having children next year. I am overall very happy in the relationship and love him very much. However the last few days we’ve had a couple of rows and the way he’s dealt with them is very different to usual. Everyone argues ofc and normally they’re two sided affairs. But the last two we’ve had it feels like he’s almost trying to stamp out my opinion. Today we disagreed about something he said (he tried to blame me for the dog hurting himself and getting a limp on a walk which I thought was outrageous) so I got annoyed and argued my point. He then came out with this narrative that from now on he’s not going to pander to me, that he said nothing wrong and that he’s going to be firmer from now on. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, he was speaking like I was a child. I’ve tried not to exacerbate the row and just let it be for now as he does sometimes get in weird tired moods and he’s had a very busy week at work. But I’m basically wondering if anyone else has experienced this and where this idea could be coming from.

Sorry to read your experience.

I do find a lot of these types have "mummy issues" in one way or another. I wonder if there's a link.

Tell him you won't suck his dick anymore. See how that goes. He will do a u turn quickly enough.

But he is horrible...

Have a discussion with him and ask what this was about. Tell him how shitty this is and see how gecresxts.

if he truly thinks that way and will dismiss your opinion and views from now on this is not a working and healthy relationship.

Immediate consequences work best imo. Instead of waiting to have a big heart to heart conversation with him about him "pandering" to you (when he's forgotten he said it) just bat an insult right back at him, 'whatever you say princess' / 'you can take your handbag and go home if you like'. He won't like it, he won't apologise but he'll be loathe to talk to you like it again.
With the dog situation be tough, 'if you think I'm not competent then you can take responsibility for him/her this is the feeding, grooming, exercise schedule.' Take time off from dog maintenance and wait for the apology.

I’m sorry but I vividly remember someone very experienced in relationship counselling (I think may have been Zelda West-Meads who was the head of Relate years ago) saying that a lot of couples marry when they should split up. This may apply in the OP’s case.

How do you know most or all these posters are single?

I actually feel it’s a major red flag and may signal he’s been listening to some weird podcasts or he is secretly dissatisfied with element of their relationship. More context is needed but the whole “single woman want others to be single too” is such a lazy trope.

A friend would not speak to you like that…

@Potentialfuturemother as many other PPs have explained his behaviour is a 🚩.

With your update in mind, I agree with you that I also wouldn’t be chucking in a 12 year relationship (if it is indeed true that this is the only time he’s behaved like this) off the back of one argument either but I would be SERIOUSLY looking deeper at the relationship. I agree speak to him when you’re calm , how does he think he’s pandering to you and why hasn’t he spoken up about feeling like he’s pandering to you before especially if he clearly is resentful. What does “being firmer” to him mean and what if you won’t accept that. What’s his mental health like ? And you need to get to the bottom of these “weird moods” - need more info on this to decide if this is also a red flag as we all have our moments. He may be very overwhelmed with work / wedding planning / the dog being unwell etc and unable to express that to you - not an excuse for his behaviour but might be an explanation and a good starting point to start better communication.

Couples counselling would be a good option. This is a good resource and there is a good worksheet for conflict resolution

https://www.therapistaid.com/search?query=Relationships&page=2

I mean this gently but if this is how he reacts now, it doesn’t bode well for when you’re both sleep deprived with a newborn. Babies are the biggest test to a relationship and if there are any cracks you need to do your best to sort them out before planning a pregnancy.

All the best

The thing is, if you were my real life friend and we had a face to face conversation about this, I would say the same thing - think carefully about whether you want to marry him. At least see if he continues to say things like this/not let you put your side forward. It’s really is a blessing to be forewarned of unpleasant and maybe eventually controlling/abusive (this could be the first step down that path) behaviour.
I’m sure you don’t want to consider whether it’s the right thing because your wedding is around the corner, and you’re planning children soon. But do start to think about these things before you’re trapped, or perhaps repent at leisure and wish you’d listened to “the internet”. After all, it was alarming enough for you to ask the question here.

This x 1000. He sounds like my victorian great grandfather.

You deserve better OP. Please consider doing the freedom programme.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

@Potentialfuturemother
Read this a few times.

The arrogance, the superiority, the implication that he's been putting up with someone really, really unreasonable and annoying - YYY.

Do not put up with this.

I second the suggestion he's been paying attention to Andrew Hate.

But I would also wonder if he has got involved with someone else. What he said sounds like The Script - he's started telling himself all sorts of negative stuff about you in order to justify an affair, either emotional of sexual, and up to now it has existed only in his head.

OP honestly people will have their opinions on here and some more blunt than others. I don’t think anyone has been purposefully cruel but either way try and be a bit more robust about what various strangers have posted.

Focus more on how you feel about being spoken to like this by the man you want to marry and have kids with, and reflect on what the potential implications could be if this becomes a thing .

And try and figure out if this is a one off or a newly developing pattern. He needs to at minimum be prepared to discuss what he said

Look you dont want to hear it because you dont want it to be true.

Neither did I. But it was true.

I married him and had the most miserable 12 years of my life.

Listen or dont listen. Say we are being cruel if you want to but remember that we will still be hear for you when you realise the mistake you made.

Sadly, we cant learn from others mistakes, we have to make our own.

What is a 'balanced' view of such a foreboding comment? I guess we could ask whether there is any truth to the fact that he 'panders' to you? Are you 'always right'? Does he 'give in' to keep the peace? If that's the case, maybe time for some self reflection and honest communication.
If you don't believe that to be the case, how about you ask him to explain exactly what he meant by that and why he feels it is appropriate or necessary.

Or you can just continue on. Keep sunk cost fallacy in mind though and make sure you are not one of the many, many woman who continue on for that very reason. Doesn't end in happiness. Good luck

I know you think people are just being mean and that they’re all mad man haters, but a lot of women on here have experienced this. They went on to marry him and have his babies and their lives are worse off for it. It’s not from a place of malice.

I'm not going to say call off the wedding, but if he doesn’t come out with a serious apology (preferably with flowers and chocolate) I’d have a real think about what your future will look like, a future where he doesn’t “pander” to you. He might just be under stress… but at the end of the day a baby puts you under way more stress than whatever he’s under now.

Perfectly worded. I would be very grateful to have you as a friend!

However, the fact the op has already gone on the defensive:
”So whilst I very much appreciate everyone’s input I genuinely don’t think that it’s fair to say ‘just don’t marry him’. This is someone I’ve lived with for 8 years and built a life with. He’s not abusive or horrible in any way. In fact he’s incredibly supportive and loving 99% of the time. I would really appreciate some more balanced opinions. No ones perfect and lots of people come up with crappy things to say sometimes. If it was a woman saying this would everyone have the same visceral reaction? I’m not sure.”

The op only wants “balanced” opinions who say: “yes, he’s had a tough week, and didn’t really mean to show his true colours. Yes, you have invested all that time and he just had a blip and you will get that fairytale ending”

I would 100% would I say “run” to the partner of a woman who said this. Toxic is toxic.

I’m a firm believer of the saying: “you can’t save someone who doesn’t want to be saved” and I think this is the case here.

Yes I’ve experienced the ‘no pandering, I’ll be firmer’ - from my fairly strict mother in the 1960s when kids were expected to be rarely seen or heard and definitely not expected to give backchat! I was being treated like a child because I was one.
Having said that, I could understand the not pandering possibly depending on the circumstances - if you were making silly reasons up about the dog and consistently always do this for example then it could be reasonable to say he’s had enough and not listening/agreeing again. But was it like this?
To tell you he’s going to be firmer is definitely treating you as 2nd class to him, I may plan to be firmer with my dog, or a member of staff, or a child - only caused by what I perceive as their poor current behaviour- all where I am effectively in a position of power above them. I can’t imagine how it can ever be ok in an equal setting at all - raising questions about the equality of your relationship going forwards.
As to why - maybe now you’re getting married he sees it as husband in charge, wife needs to be supported in learning to behave. Maybe he’s rethinking or worried about the wedding/lifetime of marriage and thinks he needs to stamp out annoyances so it will be lovely (for him). Maybe he watches the Tate bros and similar, or men at work who talk about their Mrs behaving.
As a child I behaved or decided the consequences (always consequences don’t forget!) were worth my actions.
As an adult I have been revolted at even random men purporting these views, and in relationships have ran from a man who had too strong opinions on how I should behave.
You might find it worthwhile discussing it with your partner but ultimately if you don’t want to leave you either conform to requirements or accept his consequences- probably a lot less tolerable and definitely much less well intentioned/reasonable than a 1960s mother’s.

Oh OP, well you have obviously known this man for 12 yrs, but over those 12yrs you've obviously been in a relationship, engaged? You've watched the years slip by, and now you're not 20 anymore you're 32. I personally think you've had spats in the past where you've been the more dominant person. You've also watched the years passing and stayed because you've got the house, the dog, then after 12 yrs you're finally getting round to getting married. You're 32, the biological clock is ticking, you've got next year marked out to start a family. You've obviously been planning this wedding, and let's face it, it's not long now until the big day. You're now going to see a very different side of your partner, as he's obviously been in discussions with people who have remarked on the fact that he panders to you. You had a row, and he knows now that weddings all paid for, you've got your perfect day planned, you can't back out, you want the big day, the married life, and kids. So you've now had the true colours shown to you by your partner. You have described in detail how he spoke to you, and how it made you feel. You felt so strongly about it, you came to start a thread on here... That's because what you saw, heard and felt has shocked you hasn't it? Be honest. This wasn't the way it's always been if you've had a tif. Do you know why? Because the balance has shifted. You're in a situation now where you're vulnerable. You've got too much to lose in your mind. So even though you've seen the true colours tonight, you backed down, you've given him the power over you now. You kept quiet so you didn't exacibate the problem. You will see this a lot now. Within the next few weeks you'll be married. He'll get worse. Do you know how I know all of this?
Because in my profession I hear your situation tonight, many, many times over my working week.

Think very carefully how you go, you've not seen this side of him before, but you've seen it now. It'll only get worse.

@Potentialfuturemother you posted the other day about whether you should move before having a baby, and your partner disagreed with you, but wasn’t willing to compromise on giving up his space for baby things.

Are you always the one compromising. And it’s only now when you disagree with him that he is showing his true colours

When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time

Also, imagine him speaking to you like that postpartum. Imagine him yelling at you and treating you like shit days after you deliver his child. That’s what you may well be in for.

I’ve tried not to exacerbate the row and just let it be for now as he does sometimes get in weird tired moods and he’s had a very busy week at work.

Oh, sister.... 🤦‍♀️🚩

If you want to try to make a go of this, you need to sit down with him and get him to explain exactly why he thinks he's pandering to you and what he suggests will happen instead. The trouble is that it does sound as if he thinks you shouldn't be allowed to argue back at him even when he is in the wrong, which is obviously why people are so concerned about this. If that isn't the case and he can convince you that he hasn't changed, fine, you're probably OK though I would still be cautious if I were you.