Partner says he’s not going to ‘pander’ to me anymore

[Potentialfuturemother]

So for a bit of background, we’ve been together for 12 years and are getting married this summer. We are both nearly 32 and are planning on having children next year. I am overall very happy in the relationship and love him very much. However the last few days we’ve had a couple of rows and the way he’s dealt with them is very different to usual. Everyone argues ofc and normally they’re two sided affairs. But the last two we’ve had it feels like he’s almost trying to stamp out my opinion. Today we disagreed about something he said (he tried to blame me for the dog hurting himself and getting a limp on a walk which I thought was outrageous) so I got annoyed and argued my point. He then came out with this narrative that from now on he’s not going to pander to me, that he said nothing wrong and that he’s going to be firmer from now on. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, he was speaking like I was a child. I’ve tried not to exacerbate the row and just let it be for now as he does sometimes get in weird tired moods and he’s had a very busy week at work. But I’m basically wondering if anyone else has experienced this and where this idea could be coming from.

I guess you'll just have to see how it pans out.
This is the first time you've experienced this from him. Pp replying to you have seen what this attitude leads to, how it grows and what it becomes.

He isn't going to go back to how he was, at least not without serious intervention.

This attitude of treating you like a second class citizen or child is going to only get worse.

I'd suggest talking to him to find out what he really thinks, what is behind this attitude and how he sees it affecting your relationship.

When all is calm ask him what he meant by it ? Pander to what exactly? See what he says. He might mean there are things you do that upset him and he doesn't talk to you about it. More investigation is needed not just a throw away situation ! If you have a good relationship you should be able to discuss it

Ok here’s s more balanced response. I would have stopped the dog walk and said either “ how do you see that working out for you “ or a simple “good luck with that “ because there’s no way on earth I’m going to put up with shit like that. I really would be looking for some kind of acknowledgement from him that that was a dog shit comment to make. If I didn’t get that I would be worried. You really need to be alert to coercive or controlling behaviour and really be prepared to challenge it every time.

Hang on, more of the story needed…what was the issue with your dog being hurt and why did he blame you & why were you outraged? It’s a 12 yer relationship that’s otherwise been good so before taking the red flag, dump him solutions, I’d reflect on what happened! I’ve got to points in relationships where I’ve thought ‘actually, you’re being ridiculous now, I’m not pandering to this any more’

Bin!!!

Why do you think people are saying not to marry this man? We are completely disinterested parties, it doesn't affect any of us what you decide to do.

the reason posters are warning you is because many of us have been where you are right now and wish we'd taken a different course.

He is telling you, he will not be putting up with your nonsense anymore. Because he considers your opinions nonsense.

What was the full story with the dog? Why did he blame you, for what, what was your reaction, and what does he mean about 'pandering to you'? What do you think has happened here? What would his version of events be?

"Partner says he’s not going to ‘pander’ to me anymore"

and

"I’ve tried not to exacerbate the row and just let it be for now as he does sometimes get in weird tired moods and he’s had a very busy week at work."

I think you should take a leaf out of his book, OP.

The audacity of the man. Honestly!

Has he apologised or shown any signs that he regrets saying it OP?

Many of us ignored red flags and paid dearly for it. You’re angry/ annoyed at the advice instead of easily brushing it aside. If you thought it was complete BS advice you would easily dismiss it.

I hope for your sake this was a once off incident

I think everyone has had such a visceral reaction because the timing and pattern are so classic and identifiable. Now perhaps in this case the resemblance is chance and unrelated but so often potentially controlling and abusive men only show their true colours when they feel their partner is “secured” so the fact you have a wedding planned and children on the horizon makes us all go cold, even after your many trouble free years together.

Are you both equally keen on marriage and children?

At the very least you should raise what he said at a time when you are it’s calm and explain why it is so concerning and ask him exactly what he meant by it.

I bet it's come from the fact that the wedding is fast approaching so op is effectively trapped and probably wants to have dc soonish, so double trapped. So he sees right now as an opportune time to be laying down the law about what is and isn't acceptable from his future wife. basically like many men, now is the time to be showing her who he really is, as she is too invested in the relationship.

So OP what typically happens when you discuss things with each other and in company? Have you previously challenged him and disagreed or do you tip toe around him? Be honest with yourself.

If this is the first time you have ‘got annoyed’ and he’s reacted like this then he clearly has a problem with you challenging him and is telling you he will put you back in your box.

Unfortunately from your post he sounds controlling and disrespectful.

I know when I've said or felt similarly, it's been because I've truly felt unable to share my true feelings with that person over a sustained period of time. It is usually because of their response when I do: could be anger, or weaponised tears, or so much aggro that I don't even bother trying to say what I might want or feel.

I want to add that it hasn't always been the other person's fault. At least some of the time, it's because I fear their reaction. Sometimes it's because I fear rejection, and then I become burned out and resentful when I'm inevitably swamped by the things I'm basically choosing not to express.

Either way, I've been genuinely holding things back and I'm at breaking point.

You can make your bets and hope he isn't really showing you who he is now that eight years have passed. He knows you want kids and don't want to start over. It's your decision and life.

But a lot of us have seen where this can lead. That's what people are saying.

Tell him that’s fine but you won’t be pandering to him either - so all washing and cooking for him -down to him

He scolded you as if you were a child and you deliberately avoid trying to upset him - this is not a good relationship and the good women of MN are trying to warn you. Whether you are sensible enough to listen seriously to that advice is up to you.

Absolutely this. DO NOT MARRY HIM. End it. 🚩

I’ll give you a contrary view. The first thing I always ask when someone says something like this, is whether there is some reasonable truth in it? Is it possible he does pander to you? Who would you say is generally dominant in the relationship? Who gets their way? Who tends to get upset and outraged about things? Who tends to apologise, pacify or give in? Has anything changed recently? (Eg you mention you are getting married soon, have you perhaps been driving decision making around that and not truly listening to him?). If you are unsure of the answers to these questions, then try asking someone you trust who knows you and your relationship.

so if you think through that, and are convinced that he does not pander to you….. then it’s time to ask him to explain to you in what way he feels he does. Listen openly. Maybe you will get a revelation - either about your own behaviour that helps you realise his comment is reasonable…. Or about him - that he’s being an idiot/has been pollluted by misogynistic crap, or is actually just super stressed and realises he’s been unreasonable……

once you’ve done all this thinking and listening, then I’d say it’s your turn to talk. That could be anything from ending it (if he’s become an incel, as some suggest), through acknowledging that you’ve become overly dominant and building strategies together to support each other in becoming more balanced.

You are both almost 32 years old.
You have been together 12 years.

So you became a couple when you were both teenagers?

I agree.

Cut your losses. You'll find somebody more suitable. He could be having doubts too, perhaps trying to nudge you into ending it.

You have been with this man for 12 years and he has not behaved this way before so I'm not sure why people think he is suddenly now showing his "true colours". 12 years would be a long time to hide them.
I'd encourage you to have a conversation with him to explore this further and if you feel the need try relationship counselling. I wouldn't recommend ending a relationship after one argument. I don't know what the fuck these red flag people are on about. Yes it is bad behaviour but doesn't mean it is a red flag.

Hello “Iceboy”,I don’t know the stats but I suspect most women on Mumsnet are not single, I am married for what it is worth which is nothing in this particular context.

None of us have just hatched out of an egg though either and as this is an anonymous forum we can be forthright in warning other people when we think they might heading for disaster. People will often confide things here, because of the anonymity, that they don’t want their friends or family to know so they aren’t getting any warnings from them because they only get to see Josh/ Tom/ Sam at his best and think everything is great.

The OP is at liberty to give more information or not. We can only respond to what’s posted.

he’s going to be firmer from now on

Hmmm,…really!!…that’s something you need to watch and I would nearly quizz him on it, you need to nip this in the bud before you get married

He also needs to stop talking to you like a child and show you the same respect you show him

Counselling.
Him.
You.
Then together, if you are both still committed.