Partner says he’s not going to ‘pander’ to me anymore

[Potentialfuturemother]

So for a bit of background, we’ve been together for 12 years and are getting married this summer. We are both nearly 32 and are planning on having children next year. I am overall very happy in the relationship and love him very much. However the last few days we’ve had a couple of rows and the way he’s dealt with them is very different to usual. Everyone argues ofc and normally they’re two sided affairs. But the last two we’ve had it feels like he’s almost trying to stamp out my opinion. Today we disagreed about something he said (he tried to blame me for the dog hurting himself and getting a limp on a walk which I thought was outrageous) so I got annoyed and argued my point. He then came out with this narrative that from now on he’s not going to pander to me, that he said nothing wrong and that he’s going to be firmer from now on. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, he was speaking like I was a child. I’ve tried not to exacerbate the row and just let it be for now as he does sometimes get in weird tired moods and he’s had a very busy week at work. But I’m basically wondering if anyone else has experienced this and where this idea could be coming from.

Oh dear - seems like a red flag to me - and you've been with the guy since you were very young, so you may not really have much idea what the other red flags may be (note that you tried to defend him as a general matter).
It can be really difficult to walk away from a relationship after being together that long, and with a wedding on the horizon. But it's far more difficult to get out of a marriage than it is to get into one. Don't get married just because it's all planned. I made that mistake of ignoring redflags, or hoping they would get better,, or thinking the guy said he loved me and we shared various interests so of course he'd never hurt me. I was so wrong. The abuse increased a hundred fold immediately after we got married. I was utterly shocked. And it turned into such bad controlling behaviour and violence that I ended up needing spine surgery to fix the damage he did. Please don't marry someone if you are already worried about aggressive and unreasonable behaviour. Have you both been to couples counselling together at all? That would be a pretty normal thing to do prior to marriage to use a neutral person to try to help figure out if you guys actually are compatible and think the same way about really important areas of life. You owe it to yourself to make sure you aren't just getting married because you're worried about being single.

You say he's "not abusive or horrible in any way" but your original post clearly describes him being abusing and horrible - he was trying to blame you for hurting your dog - and then instead of calming the situation he escalated the conflict and made a nasty controlling comment that obviously made you so concerned that you decided the best thing to do would be to tell a whole load of strangers about the situation and seek opinions about it. You were the one who mentioned that you are getting married soon - the clear implication being that you are wondering whether marrying this guy is a good idea now that you've seen a flash of something very unpleasant. It's unfortunate that you are now telling "it's not fair" of them to give you the guidance and viewpoints you solicited in the first place. Particularly when some of those views are coming from people who (myself included) are domestic violence survivors (I barely survived) and are trying to protect you from the same escalation of awfulness that happened when long term relationships turned into marriage.
It begs the question: why on earth did you seek opinions from a group of strangers if you were going to then disagree with them about their opinions?? They are their opinions which were given in response to the information you gave them. You got what you asked for.
I'd strongly urge you to go see a marriage guidance therapist and seek out some neutral guidance from someone who has got tons of experience helping people both before and after they get married.

take it from someone married a long time. Marriage changes things and if he sprouting this now everything is about to change. I do feel sorry for you but please don't marry him. I am married have kids and it is a nightmare having a husband with no heart.

This. You both need to identify your behaviour patterns to see if you can nip this unhealthy power dynamic in the bud. Look at cognitive analytic therapy (CAT). If he won’t, you still can, with impartial professional advice you can decide if it’s a relationship worth trying to save.

He then came out with this narrative that from now on he’s not going to pander to me, that he said nothing wrong and that he’s going to be firmer from now on.

Something unusual like extreme stress MAY be causing him to act uncharacteristically, but what bothers me here is that he's not just got fed up and said something rude like "shut up" or "don't be a bitch" or "I'm never going to agree with you on this so no point arguing". He's made a statement about your long-standing relationship and life together that makes no sense to you, and suggests that he sees those things in a very different way than you do. And you had no idea he felt that way. That's serious, and it can't just be ignored, even if he seemingly "goes back to normal" tomorrow.

I'd bring it up at at a time when the two of you have plenty of time and privacy for a face-to-face talk, and are both calm and rested (and sober, if that applies). Remind him of exactly what he said, verify that you heard it correctly, ask him to explain what he means. What has he disliked in the past, what does he intend to do differently now? I'd also ask WHY he has been "pandering" to you (whatever he means by that) and let him know that this is a problem because a healthy relationship is built on honesty and clear communication.

I'd also explore the seeming disconnect in how each of you viewed this argument. From your perspective, each of you has a different opinion about how the dog got hurt, and you have every right to express yours just as he has every right to disagree. "I'm not going to pander to you" suggests at the very least that he thinks you're demanding that he agree with you, or asking him to say something he doesn't believe, or asking for an apology. Does he think that, and if so why? Or does he think it's "pandering" to allow you to express your opinion even though it disagrees with his (which WOULD be a big red flag) - and again, if so, why? Is it "pandering" for you to listen to his different opinion - and if not, why the discrepancy?

Since you asked - if your partner were a woman, I'd say exactly what I said above and would consider the situation just as serious, However, IF there is an element of misogyny in his new "narrative" (and unfortunately, it does have a little bit of that flavor, although there may be other explanations) rather than just a completely egalitarian resentment of you as a specific human being, that's something you definitely want to know about and avoid before going forward with marriage and/or children!!

Sounds like he’s trying to force you into breaking up with him.

I understand, Potential.
What were you hoping for when you posted?
People on here are blunt and to the point.
I do think you should make sure that this type of conversation/argument doesn’t become a regular occurrence.
Congratulations on your future marriage.
And I hope everything works out.

Tell him to jam that Andrew Tate shit up his arse

Mine didn’t start the “cold and callous” until the sheriff served him with the divorce papers.
Then it began.
And it was a nightmare.
And at the end, in 1993, my attorney’s fee was $85,000USD. That’s $188,119 in 2025.
He kept me in court, filing after filing, to break me.
He didn’t break me, but he ruined me.
I was left with less than nothing.
Bur I was away from him.

If DH said that to me I'd royally take the piss and send him a card with a Panda on.

More seriously, it sounds like a script from the Manosphere.

You’ve been together since you are quite young. No one stays the same as when they were 20. Young people on the whole tend to be more flexible, experimental and tolerant in their relationships, as they are still working out who they are.

Perhaps, as your partner has got older and is settling down with marriage ahead, he is evolving into wanting a different relationship style to what you had in the past and wants something more traditional?
Some men don’t like their partners to contradict them and it sounds like he has recently realised that this is what he wants - whether from his own thoughts or talking to other men or traditional women.
You have to work out if you’d be happy in that style of relationship. Many of us mumsnetters wouldn’t be (as you can tell from the replies) but there are women in traditional relationships who like their husbands to take the lead on everything - trad wives as they are called today. If that is not you, then it’s important you communicate that quickly and clearly.
Early clues like this can become further entrenched from the time of the first pregnancy when perceived traditional roles kick in deeper. This is what happened to me and it was downhill from there.

Wedding stressed

@Potentialfuturemother

Having children is like setting off a grenade in even the most stable relationship. I had a very rosy view of perfect life, perfect kids - and once I’d had children, I was suddenly in this secret club with all sorts of stories about birth horrors, children who won’t sleep, baby screaming with having no idea what to do, no support with mental load/housework, struggling to breast feed with c section stitches, too scared to cough in case I burst them. Mastitis, a baby vomiting blood and being terrified and realising baby was drinking blood from injured breast, A and E (several times) with v high temperature/head bumps. Mixed in with returning to work and the stress of working out nursery pick ups, work stress, who leaves work because baby needs urgently picking up from nursery…the list is endless.

I think if - what was said about your dog - this will happen when you have children.
When you are both calm, I think you need to have a very serious conversation with him about what was said. That having children WILL be stressful, and absolutely point out how blaming you for something you haven’t done/saying he won’t ‘pander’ is completely unacceptable. You NEED to work as a team.
If he still does not give a satisfactory answer, I would do as another poster suggested and move out for a week - and you both need to reflect during that time about the future.
But please, please take a stand against this behaviour.

I read this differently @Potentialfuturemother , it sounds like someone has told him that you are always getting your way and he's saying he wants to stand up for himself. I could imagine myself saying this to a partner if they think they are always right. I don't think its necessarily all Andrew Tate stuff

We had a stage like this, we were both really stressed and things got weird in that he felt very different towards me, you need to speak to him and tell him how horrible that was how it made you feel and wtf is going on. Can you write things down that sometimes helped us too. Is there any chance hes speaking to someone else? Also consider couples therapy before marriage. We are now very much back to being very happy and have a one year old this all happened about two years ago. The main thing is you being able to trust him again too after saying something out of the blue and hurtful.

That’s true I hadn’t thought of that but it really does

I understand your reasoning, OP. It’s a tiny one off incident against years of ‘good’ behaviour.

I was also like this with my ex. But I’m afraid it reveals a deeply misogynistic attitude. Things started going wrong when we were engaged, then got steadily worse until I was pregnant and he became a psychologically abusive man.

I look back and the one tiny incident I overlooked was a taster of what he’d be like on a daily basis. I now realise there were actually lots of tiny red flags beforehand ( like your partners ‘funny moods’) which I’d barely noticed.

I wish I’d left at the first thing that upset me. Genuinely decent men just don’t think like that.

Best case scenario, he isn’t a great communicator. But this isn’t a good way to resolve conflict. At best he shows he isn’t good at expressing his needs in a relationship and feels that he just has to do what you want all the time.

these kind of guys tend to deflect blame.

If you want to work on this relationship, I suggest you go to a relationship counsellor so you can get to the bottom of his discontent ( which may be irrational ). It will also coach him on how to express his needs.

Sometimes people outside your situation can see things far more clearly than you can.

Yes absolutely. It won't be the last we hear from her. When she has married the idiot and has 3 kids and he has been behaving like that all the way through but "she loves him" . You can't help some people so why she even bothered with this post is beyond me.

That’s a good relate page about stonewalling which is what he says he’s going to do from now on effectively.

it points out its abusive. I’d show it to him and point out that he’s suggesting he’s going to be an authoritarian. Which is not what a loving relationship is based on and not appropriate for children

Good catch. @Potentialfuturemother how often do you let timings set because your partner has stress, a weird mood etc? Are you used to walking on eggshells?

Your priority should be to confront him ASAP and pronto on what he has said and find out if he meant it. If yes - run.

It's very Tate like. Are you sure he isn't getting into any dodgy shit on the internet? This idea that he gets to control or be the boss.

Sorry OP - but although the opinions may be expressed harshly they are well meant. He is blaming you for the dog getting injured - well what caused the injury and what does he think you could have done to prevent it? Blaming you for something you could not control is the first red flag. Saying he wont pander to you is a second red flag.

He is ignoring your opinions and blaming you for anything he doesnt like. While this may be pre wedding stress if I was your mother I'm afraid I would be worried about your future life and would want you to leave him.

You are heading towards the sort of marriage where he increasingly becomes more abusive, it usually ramps up when the woman is pregnant, they are watching more porn and they think you are trapped. If you ignore all the warnings at least make sure you stay in work and have savings of your own ready for the time when you need to leave him,

on the internet you will get brutally honest opinions based on the snapshot of information you have given. You need to decide how relevant it is to you.

based on what you have said this man who loves you, wants to build a life and a family with you has told you he won’t be putting up with your behaviour anymore. This implies he sees you as someone he expects to do as they are told (like a child) and the only reason this hasn’t come up before is because he has Been ‘letting you’ get away with it.

The concern is that this is the first warning sign of a controlling relationship and the more enmeshed you become the worse it will get. Also it implies he has poor communication skills as it’s seems he either agrees with you to keep the peace or he silences you neither are healthy.

you need to have a conversation and unpick what he said, why does he feel he panders to you? What evidence does he have? How does he feel you both could communicate better? Can he accept that sometimes you will have different opinions to each other and that’s ok?

See how things go, if he’s unable to communicate effectively and refuses to acknowledge your views you may need to consider what value this relationship has. As situations like this get worse not better.

you also mentioned his moods, whilst it’s normal to be in a mood if you are tired/stressed/ overwhelmed it’s not reasonable to take your moods out on someone else.

Go for relationship counselling together. There's something afoot and you need to know what it is before you commit to marriage. Don't imagine that just because you've been together a long time he can't still surprise you with a curve ball.