Partner says he’s not going to ‘pander’ to me anymore

[Potentialfuturemother]

So for a bit of background, we’ve been together for 12 years and are getting married this summer. We are both nearly 32 and are planning on having children next year. I am overall very happy in the relationship and love him very much. However the last few days we’ve had a couple of rows and the way he’s dealt with them is very different to usual. Everyone argues ofc and normally they’re two sided affairs. But the last two we’ve had it feels like he’s almost trying to stamp out my opinion. Today we disagreed about something he said (he tried to blame me for the dog hurting himself and getting a limp on a walk which I thought was outrageous) so I got annoyed and argued my point. He then came out with this narrative that from now on he’s not going to pander to me, that he said nothing wrong and that he’s going to be firmer from now on. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, he was speaking like I was a child. I’ve tried not to exacerbate the row and just let it be for now as he does sometimes get in weird tired moods and he’s had a very busy week at work. But I’m basically wondering if anyone else has experienced this and where this idea could be coming from.

Wait what?

His mask is slipping, he’s getting comfortable that you are stuck and he can be how he wants with you without any consequences.

Honestly it’s stunning how quickly they change after absorbing that Tate shite. Sadly from family experience. Another marriage down the drain. They often don’t even have to speak, just noticeably an attitude shift.

Every single word of this.

Read and ask yourself what would cost you more in the long run, canceling the wedding and separating, or being spoken to like that and feeling you had no choice but to put up and shut up?

The answer is the latter.

He is testing you now to see how badly he can treat you.

You didn't ask, Excuse me, but in what why have you been pandering to me?

And you need to look up the sunk cost fallacy.

Completely agree.

You wont get the lost years back by staying with him. But you will lose far more years if you dont put hard STOP to this shit now.

@Potentialfuturemother No one is saying that you will never marry him, but marrying him now is a bad idea.

The Arsehole Tate radicalisation others have mentioned is a good call. Could well be that he has had the piss taken about getting tied down, ball and chain, being "pussy whipped" etc. And thanks to the shite online, has been "turned". I would say that you want to postpone for a year and see the reaction. That will tell you alot.

I can't even believe he's a thing, like "Prime" I suppose? But WTAF? How are these weak men so taken in? Suppose I answered my own question

He's found the manosphere and been radicalised. Sorry...but unless you catch that shit really quickly, there's pretty much no going back.

Be prepared to postpone the wedding at least whilst you look into it more.

Is it possible actually that he doesn't want to get married and doesn't want to be the bad guy calling it off though? I mean after 12 years and no wedding...I'd assume he doesn't actually want marriage tbh

I think the answer is obviously really. You must be very controlling, emotionally needy and a spoiled brat that has done nothing but demand your own way for twelve years. You make him feel suffocated and that nothing he ever does is good enough. To top all that off you’ve hurt your poor dog and now he’s limping and you won’t take responsibility for your role in his injury, you’re just ignoring the issue. Your partner is the only one who can see how in the wrong you are so to protect himself emotionally and the dog he’s going to have to put his foot down and stop pandering to all of your hysterical nonsense behaviour because it’s negatively affecting him and the dog. He’s tired from being at work all week and your faults as a woman and a bad partner are causing him to be in a bad mood. I really feel sorry for him. How do you expect him to respect you if that’s the way you’re going to behave you silly woman?

Does this sound right because that’s the narrative your loving partner is painting of you. I hope reading the beginning of my post has left you feeling outraged, because you should be. That’s an absolute work of fiction that I’ve spun based on the narrative your partner of over a decade is trying to paint of you. That’s basically what he’s saying. He is telling you that from now on your opinion won’t be heard or respected and that you will have to come to heel, be obedient and accepting of the fact that you will be the scapegoat for everything that goes wrong in his life. If that’s the kind of life you want for your child, to have them grow up watching their father control and emotionally abuse their mother then that’s on you. They will grow up not knowing how to love anyone in a healthy way because it’s not been modelled to them. He’s warned you of how unpleasant he’s willing to be to get what he wants and the direction the marriage will go once you’re completely trapped and dependent on him. The same scenario has happened a countless amount of times on here you just have to take the time to read it. You can ignore it as much as you want, it’s not anyone else that’s walking into this trap but you. If you can live with that then I wish you the very best of luck because you’re going to need it and more. Think about what I’ve said and get used to hearing stuff like that coming from the person who is supposed to love, care and respect you because this is who he’s choosing to be now.

Have you quoted the wrong person. PP has said her DH said it once and never again…your response seems to read like you think that poster left.

anyway @Potentialfuturemother sometimes people have bad days, if my husband left me because I said something dickish then I would have been single 2 decades ago.

Bad people are bad people, but good people can have bad days. Just talk to him, not all of the bitter women here who hate everything (over 18) that doesn’t have a vagina

@Potentialfuturemother

My guess - your fiancée is having cold feet, or is stressed about the wedding in general. Which is not unusual.
So - I'd not bother with his posturing and just ignored it for now. The wedding is soon enough, and if his cold feet become worse, it'll be very obvious.
Don't worry about fighting and winning all the mundane arguments - it's not important who is right/wrong most of the time,

"not all of the bitter women here" loving this.. @Boreded

just in case my Irish script didn't translate, hope you're joking & it got lost in translation? @Boreded

He did say it in real life, though.
If he hadn't, you wouldn't have started this thread.

His mask has slipped and he’s shown his true colours. I know you can’t see what posters here can.. yet.
You have acknowledged the “weird and tired moods though”
No one is saying this to be cold and callous, just because we’ve been there( I include myself in that)

In the circumstances you describe OP, the very least you should do is have it out with him. This new attitude he claims to now have, is incompatible with a happy, loving, relationship and he needs to know that.

Put your big girl pants on and thrash this out thoroughly. Don’t compromise, absolutely make sure you are completely happy that you’ve got through to him and he knows precisely where things stand.

This is the very least you should do. At the same time you have to clock that this is indeed a red flag, which you ignore at your peril.

?

So if he’s fantastic 99% of the time, why make a post and complain about this one of 1%?

Whilst it is absolutely normal to be stressed about the wedding, work, life in general it absolutely is not normal to do a 360 degree change in behaviour and talk to your partner who you love and care about in the same manner as the OP’s partner has about her. He’s not just getting annoyed at a stressful situation, he’s curbing her voice and sense of security within the relationship. He’s literally blaming her for the dog injuring itself which the OP has said isn’t remotely her fault. He’s provoking her into invalid arguments so he can gain control of her and talk down about her character to degrade her self esteem. There is no other reason why he would be doing this as it’s not remotely acceptable.

This is simply not normal, cold feet or not. He is a grown adult who is capable of communicating and exploring his feelings with the woman he loves in a mature manner. He’s wilfully choosing not to do that in an attempt to shut the OP down from questioning the irrational nature of his behaviour. The OP has avoided challenging this unfair and frankly spiteful behaviour in her words not to exacerbate the situation which is exactly the outcome that he wants. He’s not in the right frame of mind maturity-wise and emotionally to be getting married or having children with this woman or any woman. She doesn’t have a lot of time left to have children and she’s at risk of either having children with a man who if he continues on this path will neglect her, or will lead her on until she runs out of time because he can have children at whatever age he likes and he knows this.

This isn’t a simple case of saying something foolish in error and off the cuff, it’s an entirely worrying change of personality.

I hate having to repeat myself

"All these bitter women here"

Oh but I love him, taking nothing on board

And yet here you are.

I am here having a discussion replyng to a comment that didn't sit well

I’ve tried not to exacerbate the row and just let it be for now as he does sometimes get in weird tired moods

So you pander to him, don't you? Tiptoeing round his weird moods and, now, his disapproval. Pandering, as if to a fractious child.

Oh, but he's tired. I grew up 'understanding' that Daddy was a foul-tempered arsehole when he was tired. It was horrible, walking on eggshells all the time, and it naturally trained me to 'understand' the abusive men I went on to marry.

I wonder whether you were also pre-trained, OP?

I wonder whether you would like your future child to be so trained?