Shit end to our first holiday, I'm seeing him in a different light

[Birkies1all1summer]

I've just got back from a week abroad with my bf, it was the first holiday we've been on together and we had a brilliant time for the first 5 days.

I was feeling a little down towards the end as it was my oldest friends birthday (she passed away last year before we met)

I didn't want to put a dampener on things so kept it to myself and did my best (unsuccessfully) to stay in good spirits.

He noticed the shift in my mood unfortunately and that prompted a shift in his. He seemed pissed off.

It all felt quite uncomfortable to be honest so I told him what the matter was and why I was a bit quiet. I explained that I didn't want to put a dampener on the holiday so didn't bring it up earlier, but I was a bit upset and will be fine in a day or so.

"Ah, well that explains it" he said.

I thought we'd be fine after that but he didn't speak much during the flight home and it felt like he just wanted to rush off when we got back. He spent the last 20 minutes together talking on the phone to his mate about the football whilst I booked my cab and got my bags together.

No asking if I was OK / checking in with me after I got home (wouldn't that be the norm in these circumstances or am I just being a wet flannel here?)

No contact yesterday (he usually texts every morning)

He had my ipad at his house so I sent a text this AM asking if he could meet me with it this afternoon as I needed it for work. He responds very dry and says OK.

By this point I'm reflecting back on the past few days and wondering whether I've ruined the holiday, or more to the point whether he thinks I did. I've been kicking myself about it.

We arranged to meet at the park after work for me to get the ipad and he arrived, not looking especially pleased to see me.

I told him I wanted to apologise for putting a dampener on things and not being very talkative for the last part of the trip.

He smirked!

Wanted to know whether I thought I would hear from him(?)

Bit of two and fro about how now he knows for next year why I'll be a bit sad at this time of year etc, but no real attempt to ascertain whether I'm OK (or was OK at the time), no apology from him for being moody with me

Superficial conversation follows about random things he has planned this week.

I'm left feeling like he likely doesn't care about me at all and to be completely honest, after the silent treatment, smirking when I apologised and quizzing me on whether I thought I would hear from him, I feel like he got off on having the upper hand for some reason.

What are your thoughts please? Am I a miserable cow who ruined the holiday by being upset about a deceased loved one? Did he have grounds to be pissed off with me? How am I/he coming across?

he doesnt sound very caring, to put it politely

I think honestly there was a bit of both here. I do think it's a shame you weren't able to stay in good spirits, givrn it was your first holiday together. Being someone else's emotional anchor and jollying them up when you are trying to relax and enjoy a holiday isnt ideal. Maybe in hindsight if you'd known that particular day would be tricky for you, booking a first holiday with someone on that date was maybe not the best idea.

Having said all that, I completely understand why you felt sad, and I do think he has been a totally uncaring arse too. It does not bode well for building a life with someone who is so utterly rubbish at supporting you in times of need/difficulty.

Some ppl aren’t that deep. It sounds like you have mis-matched emotional IQ’s.

How long have you been together?

Tbh maybe ending a week together 24/7 has made the cracks appear.

Personally I think you should have told him about your friends birthday rather than just be quiet - at least he’d have known why rather than wondering why you seemed moody. His reaction wasn’t exactly great though. He doesn’t seem to give you what you need

I think a week away has shown you’re not compatible and it’s time to call it quits

Sounds like something happened on the holiday,which may have been your mood, or something else that's made him decide not to continue the relationship.

I'd match his energy and leave him to it.

Throw him back

He's a prick and now you know.
I am so sorry for the terrible loss of your friend.

A good man would not behave in such a shitty way towards you.

Go with your gut.
Not you, its him.
He's an utter twat.

I wouldn't respond to him again.

I think it's interesting that you felt you couldn't tell him about your friend's death in the first place. I also think that he's a twat and you deserve better.

We've been together just over 10 months. We've had the odd weekend away but this was the longest stretch spent together 24-7.

I'm inclined to agree that spending a big chunk of time together has revealed a long-term incompatibility, which is a shame.

I do take on board what was said about the timing of the holiday coinciding with a difficult date (and that I likely should have told him about it in advance)

I think a more normal way of dealing with it would have been to say oh it would have been friends birthday today, and maybe raise a glass or something, to keep it all to yourself and be in an unexplained quiet mood would annoy me too. If you don’t feel that you can communicate with him easily with these things then it’s perhaps not the relationship for you. Your attempt to not put a downer on things created a tense atmosphere and if I were him I’d have concerns about that.

I think a first holiday should be about sun, sex, sea and romance. It should been a week of solid joy and fun. If someone suddenly went all quiet and sad at the end of the holiday I’d be thinking twice about the relationship too.

It may not be very empathetic but it obviously wasn’t all that heady if you found yourself with sad thoughts about an old friend. I don’t think either of you are wrong but I’m not surprised, in the first flush of a relationship, that he’s cooling it off.

Nothing like a holiday to sort out the wheat from the chaff
if a partner can’t be sympathetic and understand, imagine what he’d be like if you spend a life with him throw this one back I think you dodged a bad one tbh

I personally wouldn’t end the relationship based on this.

Honestly, I’m not sure what he could have done.

You say you didn’t want to talk about it etc but then was upset with him for not bringing it up.

It’s likely he was following your lead by not bringing it up.

If the relationship is otherwise good then I would draw a line in the sand and see how things are from now on.

I think you did the right thing by telling him why you were quiet and perhaps in future it would be worth saying it beforehand.

Is his name Joe by any chance 😆

The thing is, tou have been together ten months and booked a holiday over a significant date for you, and you have not been able to tell him about your friend and the date in all that time. You would have got together two months after her passing, would still have been greiving and obviously still are to an extent. But you were unable to share this with him.
I think you ahould think about why you havent been able to share suchbclose things with him in all this time. Does he usually smirk and dismiss your feelings and is generally insensitive?
Does he think that maybe you dont actually care enough about him to share?
I think you should really ask yourself if he really is the one.

You never know how you are going to feel until you feel it. You didn't tell him about your friend's anniversary in advance because you didn't realise it would affect uou so much.

I would speculate (possibly unfairly) that your thoughts began to dwell on sad things because you were not feeling overjoyed on the holiday

Throw that one back op he sounds a child

All this.
You’re on holiday so should have tried to block it out. But he is coming across as very unempathetic so doesn’t bode well when you go through difficult things in future.

I had an ex who did something similar to this. We were away and I found out my friend was terminally ill and instead of comforting me he was ice cold. He seemed cross at me for having ‘ruined’ the holiday. I understand this is slightly different to your situation but this then continued throughout our relationship - every time I expressed sadness about someone else, he was so unpleasant. Cross with me rather than offering any cuddles or kind words. I eventually realised he was a narcissist (I understand this is an overused word at times but there were many other signs and it took me a solid two years of therapy with a narcissist abuse specialist to realise all of this). Essentially he was jealous that I was showing care for someone else. Even when my friend died, he turned into being all about him. He couldn’t hack it that I loved someone someone else, even platonically. My therapist also told me that it’s a classic thing for narcs to ruin holidays, Christmases and birthdays, and this also stacked up. I’m not necessarily saying your partner is a narcissist but your post rang alarm bells so it’s something to look out for. The way he is being is absolutely not ok. Of course he should be comforting you! You tried to play it down for him because you were taking his feelings into consideration- you weren’t deliberately trying to spoil the holiday, quite the opposite x

Sounds like a potential narc. He mirrors you. When you were down he reflected that back at you.

He’s taken your low mood as a personal insult. He punished you by ignoring you when having that long call, and then not texting you as usual. He’s enjoyed (smirk) making you squirm by not contacting you, which was deliberate, and waiting for you to contact him. At no point did it cross his mind to ask how you feel because he’s made it all about him. He’s taught you not to expect sympathy if you’re feeling sad or low. Stop apologising and explaining now.

Most people in his position would think it odd that you hadn’t mentioned it but would ask how you are and try and do things to cheer you up.

I’ve had experience of these types. My advice is let him go. He will always be like this. Any stressful event in your life will be an inconvenience to him.

If you do get rid, beware, he’ll try and hoover you back. They always do. But don’t be fooled.

He behaved like a twat. Who would you want to go back for more of this?
I’m sorry about the loss of your friend.
Maybe find someone who is more emotionally available and able to care about your feelings? He sounds like an arsy man child.

This. A booked, paid for, not cheap holiday and the person starts being quiet, not talking and being sad because a friend of theirs died a year ago and this would be their birthday would annoy me too.

why agree that date for a holiday in the first place?
why spend your time dwelling on a birthday when you are away with a new boyfriend?

I’m sorry but he sounds disappointing. I think if this guy is your boyfriend and you know him well enough to go on holiday together, he should surely care if you’re understandably feeling a little low in the circumstances. Would he behave in such a rubbish way with a friend or family member if they were upset? If the answer is yes, you can throw this one back. If it’s because you’re his girlfriend and he’s disappointed that you were not all singing and all dancing, you can also throw him back. Ditto if his ego is damaged in some odd way. I can’t see a way where he comes out shining here. And I’m sorry for your loss.

I'd have thought you'd have told him about your friend, had some drinks "to her", and ultimately it would have brought you closer.
That the exact opposite happened suggests you aren't compatible. It's nobody's fault, it just isn't going to be the great relationship you maybe thought it would be.
Seems that he has realised this.
Onwards and upwards!