Shit end to our first holiday, I'm seeing him in a different light

[Birkies1all1summer]

I've just got back from a week abroad with my bf, it was the first holiday we've been on together and we had a brilliant time for the first 5 days.

I was feeling a little down towards the end as it was my oldest friends birthday (she passed away last year before we met)

I didn't want to put a dampener on things so kept it to myself and did my best (unsuccessfully) to stay in good spirits.

He noticed the shift in my mood unfortunately and that prompted a shift in his. He seemed pissed off.

It all felt quite uncomfortable to be honest so I told him what the matter was and why I was a bit quiet. I explained that I didn't want to put a dampener on the holiday so didn't bring it up earlier, but I was a bit upset and will be fine in a day or so.

"Ah, well that explains it" he said.

I thought we'd be fine after that but he didn't speak much during the flight home and it felt like he just wanted to rush off when we got back. He spent the last 20 minutes together talking on the phone to his mate about the football whilst I booked my cab and got my bags together.

No asking if I was OK / checking in with me after I got home (wouldn't that be the norm in these circumstances or am I just being a wet flannel here?)

No contact yesterday (he usually texts every morning)

He had my ipad at his house so I sent a text this AM asking if he could meet me with it this afternoon as I needed it for work. He responds very dry and says OK.

By this point I'm reflecting back on the past few days and wondering whether I've ruined the holiday, or more to the point whether he thinks I did. I've been kicking myself about it.

We arranged to meet at the park after work for me to get the ipad and he arrived, not looking especially pleased to see me.

I told him I wanted to apologise for putting a dampener on things and not being very talkative for the last part of the trip.

He smirked!

Wanted to know whether I thought I would hear from him(?)

Bit of two and fro about how now he knows for next year why I'll be a bit sad at this time of year etc, but no real attempt to ascertain whether I'm OK (or was OK at the time), no apology from him for being moody with me

Superficial conversation follows about random things he has planned this week.

I'm left feeling like he likely doesn't care about me at all and to be completely honest, after the silent treatment, smirking when I apologised and quizzing me on whether I thought I would hear from him, I feel like he got off on having the upper hand for some reason.

What are your thoughts please? Am I a miserable cow who ruined the holiday by being upset about a deceased loved one? Did he have grounds to be pissed off with me? How am I/he coming across?

He has shown you who he is. Believe him.

Life is hard and will be filled with difficult moments and sad times. Is this the best person to support you through it?

Flip the situation around and ask yourself how it would have gone if he'd been the one feeling down about his friend. I suspect your response would have been much different than his.

It's not like you asked him to be your therapist, and I don't think your intention was to dwell on it all day, either. But it was on your mind, and so you were being fair in telling him so. He could have said a few caring words, tried to cheer you up, etc, like someone said, had a drink to toast to her, and I suspect you would have felt lighter and able to move on fairly quickly with the day. Instead he closed off and got cold.

His smirk just underscores his lack of sensitivity. As for asking if you thought you might never hear from him again....Please take back your power and dignity. It should be HIM who never hears from YOU again.

I'd break up with him. Immediately. And I wouldn't shed a tear. Move on and find someone more caring. Trust me; you do not want to give one more day to a man who lacks empathy or the ability to show any level of emotional support or compassion.

What a prick.

I agree with some others that it’s the “going quiet and trying to stay happy but was unsuccessful” that would have pissed me off. Nothing worse than waking up on holiday in a great mood and the person you’re with is being miserable and you have no idea why. You actually end up feeling like a bit of a dick for enjoying yourself.
It could well be the guy isn’t very nice and dumping is best anyway. But its possible had you actually told him to begin with it might have had a very different outcome.

Ha - did I hit a nerve? Were you one of them?

He’s an immature twat.
He should have made you feel better and comforted you, and not made you feel worse.

Throw him back and get someone who deserves you and importantly someone who is emotionally intelligent (unlike this dick),

He sounds like a narc completely.
The smirking, the questioning whether you would hear from him, the lack of empathy after you told him. He's shown you what he is openly now, please don't accept it.

Yes, I agree with those who have said that he’s shown you who he really is. I think you know that he doesn’t have the capacity to care very much so time to ‘return this one to the wild’. His smirk would have bothered me too. He enjoyed having some power over you.

I’m a bit shocked at those people castigating you for booking a holiday over the significant date. Perhaps, as someone else said upthread, you didn’t know how much it would affect you. And yes, maybe you going a bit quiet would have bothered him but I don’t think that excuses his behaviour since.

I think that smirk is known as the ‘duper’s delight’. Have a google and get rid. He won’t get any better if you’re still in the honeymoon phase now and he’s behaving like this. Sorry OP.

This.

Though I also think your going quiet on him was not OK.

This.

Though I also think your going quiet on him was not OK

Agree with everything @TwistedWonder has said. You are on different emotional levels and incompatible. Also looks like he'd 'had enough' of whatever??? by the time the end of the holiday came round. Sorry OP, but it is very unlikely to work long term.

I don't think it sounds like either of you did much wrong. If anything.

Though he could've done with being more supportive and caring, I think he just found it awkward. Many people don't really know what to say to someone bereaved or missing a passed on loved one. He may have never experienced the death of someone very close before. Or he may just be not that emotional. A lot of people (men) can seem that way.

You didn't ruin the holiday. But equally, he can't be fully blamed for possibly not knowing how to react. If he's usually a nice person who's respectful and kind to you then this maybe shouldn't be a deal breaker?

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend and you've done nothing wrong. X

You wouldn’t end a relationship with someone who smirked at an unnecessary apology over being sad about a deceased friend, and then baited you by saying “so do you think you’ll hear from me after all this?”, who then acted like he’s somehow got the upper hand over something? I bloody would. He sounds like garbage.

I think after you got back his being cold and not responding much was him 'negging' you - hence the smirk, as it worked, it got you to be apologetic and unsure of yourself.

He's a dick.

Sorry for your loss.

I don't think either of you behaved well. You should have told him what was going on rather than just going quiet and waiting for him to ask/guess.

He should never have used silent treatment that's absolutely unacceptable behaviour.

I would not be continuing I think.

He sounds awful. Are you never allowed to be sad?

Do you find it that easy to switch off feelings of grief?

Everyone is different. Op isn't a performing monkey. I do think she should have let him know prior but what's the point of a partner if they cannot support you emotionally?

Doesnt bode well does it, for a long term relationship? He sounds emotionally inept.

I'm sorry to hear that that didn't go well. Tbh it sounds to me as though you are just not compatible. Probably best to call it quits really.

The smirk would have been enough for me to bin it.

I think getting into a relationship when you were mourning the very recent death of a friend was probably not the wisest idea. How was he in those early weeks and months? Was he supportive? Was his coldness on the holiday a one-off or do you think it revealed something about his true character? I wonder if he was just disappointed your first holiday didn’t go to plan. Not to excuse his behaviour or anything.

How old are you both and how is the rest of the relationship?

I would really hate someone sitting there being suddenly miserable but not able to say what's wrong. It can look like sulking.

I think you were a tiny bit unreasonable with the timing of the holiday and maybe not being upfront about the reason. But him smirking away and asking me whether I thought I'd hear from him would be more than unreasonable, it's just plain nasty. Life can be difficult at times and I don't see him having your back during those times.

He is a monumental COCK with no empathy whatsoever.

You write like you are approximately five years old.

hiT A nErVe DiD i LOLz

I know it is hard to comprehend but sometimes people have different opinions to you and that's ok.

If I was on holiday with a partner who suddenly switched moods and became quiet, I would ask if they were OK and once they'd told me the reason I would ask if there was anything I could do to help them or the situation. I wouldn't take it personally. He did nothing and has left you feeling worse. I think he has shown his true colours. He doesn't sound that caring towards you. Presumably you didn't suddenly become completely uncommunicative or snippy? Don't think you did anything wrong OP.

I had a very dear friend who died a couple of years ago and I feel it on her birthday and death day. I have no problems with processing grief and wouldn't rearrange my life around those dates.

@Fantailsflitting has hit the nail on the head: he doesn't have your back

Oh dear, OP, you are already teetering on the brink of feeling you must apologise for spoiling his holiday! You understandably felt down, explained why to him, and he didn't respond in a way that demonstrates he actually cares about you. You did not 'spoil the holiday'. Real people have these ups and downs. Mature people can deal with those. Time to rethink the relationship, I'd end it if I were you, you can do better.