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Original poster

Shit end to our first holiday, I'm seeing him in a different light

256 replies

Birkies1all1summer · 12/05/2025 20:37

I've just got back from a week abroad with my bf, it was the first holiday we've been on together and we had a brilliant time for the first 5 days.

I was feeling a little down towards the end as it was my oldest friends birthday (she passed away last year before we met)

I didn't want to put a dampener on things so kept it to myself and did my best (unsuccessfully) to stay in good spirits.

He noticed the shift in my mood unfortunately and that prompted a shift in his. He seemed pissed off.

It all felt quite uncomfortable to be honest so I told him what the matter was and why I was a bit quiet. I explained that I didn't want to put a dampener on the holiday so didn't bring it up earlier, but I was a bit upset and will be fine in a day or so.

"Ah, well that explains it" he said.

I thought we'd be fine after that but he didn't speak much during the flight home and it felt like he just wanted to rush off when we got back. He spent the last 20 minutes together talking on the phone to his mate about the football whilst I booked my cab and got my bags together.

No asking if I was OK / checking in with me after I got home (wouldn't that be the norm in these circumstances or am I just being a wet flannel here?)

No contact yesterday (he usually texts every morning)

He had my ipad at his house so I sent a text this AM asking if he could meet me with it this afternoon as I needed it for work. He responds very dry and says OK.

By this point I'm reflecting back on the past few days and wondering whether I've ruined the holiday, or more to the point whether he thinks I did. I've been kicking myself about it.

We arranged to meet at the park after work for me to get the ipad and he arrived, not looking especially pleased to see me.

I told him I wanted to apologise for putting a dampener on things and not being very talkative for the last part of the trip.

He smirked!

Wanted to know whether I thought I would hear from him(?)

Bit of two and fro about how now he knows for next year why I'll be a bit sad at this time of year etc, but no real attempt to ascertain whether I'm OK (or was OK at the time), no apology from him for being moody with me

Superficial conversation follows about random things he has planned this week.

I'm left feeling like he likely doesn't care about me at all and to be completely honest, after the silent treatment, smirking when I apologised and quizzing me on whether I thought I would hear from him, I feel like he got off on having the upper hand for some reason.

What are your thoughts please? Am I a miserable cow who ruined the holiday by being upset about a deceased loved one? Did he have grounds to be pissed off with me? How am I/he coming across?

OP posts:
HauntedBungalow · 12/05/2025 21:59

I don't think you're suited. You seem unable to talk to each other. if you were comfortable with him you would surely have discussed your dear friend with him many times before, especially given that you only met him shortly after she had passed. I'm sorry for your loss and hope you find someone you get on with better.

SpryCat · 12/05/2025 22:00

If that had been me and my partner had gone quiet on holiday, I’d probably have felt a little insecure but once I’d been told the reason why, I’d have empathised.
I think he was pissed off you had ruined his vibe tbh and punished you. He ignored you and was waiting for you to get in touch and be all insecure and over apologetic, when you texted asking to meet and get your iPad back he was unsure whether you had been bothered by his silence. His smirk was because the days he had spent ignoring you, he had gleefully imagined you pining for him and he even questioned you about whether you thought you’d hear from him again because it inflated his ego! He is awful @Birkies1all1summer

MounjaroMounjaro · 12/05/2025 22:03

I'm so sorry you lost your friend. I think the reason you didn't tell him is that deep down you knew he was an insensitive knob. I'd ditch him without a second thought.

materialgworl · 12/05/2025 22:06

Hmm he has been unkind but I think you were just as unkind too. You’ve told the story in a way that ensures sympathy for you.

You went silent first for a reason known only to you at the time, but all of us are now judging his reaction.

ImaginedCorners · 12/05/2025 22:11

HauntedBungalow · 12/05/2025 21:59

I don't think you're suited. You seem unable to talk to each other. if you were comfortable with him you would surely have discussed your dear friend with him many times before, especially given that you only met him shortly after she had passed. I'm sorry for your loss and hope you find someone you get on with better.

This. It does t sound like much of a relationship.

SpryCat · 12/05/2025 22:13

Im so sorry you lost your friend and you felt you couldn’t talk about it, I think you knew deep down he isn’t the type you talk about loss with or is able to be empathetic with anyone. I bet he only likes people who boosts his mood and have fun with else he drops them.

Hollyhedge · 12/05/2025 22:13

If I went away with someone for a week and they were down for a few days for a foreseeable reason I would not feel great about that. Book different dates. That said his reaction wasn’t great. I’d leave the ball in his court - he sounds a bit checked out.

carrotycrumble · 12/05/2025 22:24

If someone suddenly went quiet on me with no explanation in the middle of an otherwise fun holiday I’d think they were attention seeking, and tbh I can’t be bothered with attention seekers. It would make me rethink things too.

Annascaul · 12/05/2025 22:30

DorothyStorm · 12/05/2025 21:48

This. A booked, paid for, not cheap holiday and the person starts being quiet, not talking and being sad because a friend of theirs died a year ago and this would be their birthday would annoy me too.

why agree that date for a holiday in the first place?
why spend your time dwelling on a birthday when you are away with a new boyfriend?

Show quote history

Yes, completely agree.
And how attention seeking to go all quiet and moody and force him to ask what’s wrong?

ladeedarrrry · 12/05/2025 22:31

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I agree with this sorry OP. I know too many people that behave like this. It's annoying and exhausting.

Theunamedcat · 12/05/2025 22:34

Did you go more than a "bit quiet?" Because people go a bit quiet all the time it could be they are tired or not feeling 100% cheerful I get your on holiday but your not a disney princess paid to be happy and cheerful and blah blah blah

RawBloomers · 12/05/2025 22:40

I think your behaviour was pretty poor, as was his response.

You being suddenly down on a holiday with no reason must have been a bit unsettling for him. You really should have explained once you realised it had affected you (I hope it took you by surprise and you didn't arrange to go away on these dates knowing you reacting this way was a significant possibility) and tried to do something with him to take your mind off it. Hiding it the way you did makes it harder for both of you to have a good time.

You'd told him you were down and would be okay in a day or two and he seemed to give you space once you'd told him, which seems reasonable. But you seem to have wanted something else. Did you tell him what? Tbh, from what you've written here you sound like a bit of a drama lama over it. It's not something you'd talked about with him before even though she'd been your best friend and recently died. And suddenly you're wanting understanding and centering on a holiday he had probably looked on as a time for him to recharge too.

He wasn't the most caring, but he was probably confused and a bit pissed off with some reason.

However, his wanting to know whether you thought you'd hear from him when you picked up the ipad sounds like some kind of power play. And that on it's own would give me serious pause for thought over the relationship.

smallsilvercloud · 12/05/2025 22:44

I think you’ve done what you can about it, it’s life we have ups and downs and he’s shown you little support and seems to have a grudge with you now instead of trying to get back as you were, I wouldn’t have much time for this, sounds like you are both having doubts tbh, have a few days to reflect and see how you feel.

FreebieWallopFridge · 12/05/2025 22:44

The smirk would be the end for me.

SunflowerTed · 12/05/2025 22:45

. I can see why he was a bit pissed off tbh. If somebody suddenly went quiet on me without any explanation I would be seriously annoyed that they ruined things in a foreign country

ChampagneSuperAstra · 12/05/2025 22:51

He doesn't sound like a keeper, to be fair.
Maybe you were a pain in the arse, but men need TELLING how we feel, or their default is to sulk. I'm sorry you felt crappy. Tell him how you feel. If he'd doesn't react in a way you like, don't waste any more precious time and love on him. Be selfish and find someone who adores you!!!!

Annascaul · 12/05/2025 22:57

ChampagneSuperAstra · 12/05/2025 22:51

He doesn't sound like a keeper, to be fair.
Maybe you were a pain in the arse, but men need TELLING how we feel, or their default is to sulk. I'm sorry you felt crappy. Tell him how you feel. If he'd doesn't react in a way you like, don't waste any more precious time and love on him. Be selfish and find someone who adores you!!!!

I don’t think op failing to be sufficiently selfish is the problem here.

Devilmentpleassure · 12/05/2025 23:00

He’s a cold fish, that’s for sure. Throw him back, there’s plenty more.

Easipeelerie · 12/05/2025 23:02

Holiday aside, the main reason I’d get rid is the smirk and the weird comment when you met up. He sounds horrible.

honeylulu · 12/05/2025 23:07

He sounds horrible. A fairweather friend. You're only good enough if you're happy smiling and fun. Any negative emotions and you'll be punished and "trained" not to show them again.

Though a little bit of me agrees with the other posters saying it's a wee bit attention seeking to suddenly go all quiet and down without explaining why ...

KaleQueen · 12/05/2025 23:12

You sound lovely. And ignore some of those absolute idiots who’ve said you’re the problem. I think that by your post you’re a bit unsure of yourself. I’m not sure what age you are but no matter what your age…can you do something to build on your confidence skills. You’re going to need to be able to speak up and say stuff and know your own feelings are okay to basically survive.

(PS your feelings are totally normal here. I would be thinking “what a wanker” if that had happened to me. I hope you get to that point one day where you can be confident to do that and not doubt yourself)

Imbusytodaysorry · 12/05/2025 23:14

@Birkies1all1summer your happiness doesn’t matter to him .
You are down he is annoyed about how it ruins his plans his day. It’s all about him .

Id let this be the end.Sounds like he is playing games asking those questions .

Lolopolo · 12/05/2025 23:14

carrotycrumble · 12/05/2025 22:24

If someone suddenly went quiet on me with no explanation in the middle of an otherwise fun holiday I’d think they were attention seeking, and tbh I can’t be bothered with attention seekers. It would make me rethink things too.

I agree with this tbh

ladeedarrrry · 12/05/2025 23:22

KaleQueen · 12/05/2025 23:12

You sound lovely. And ignore some of those absolute idiots who’ve said you’re the problem. I think that by your post you’re a bit unsure of yourself. I’m not sure what age you are but no matter what your age…can you do something to build on your confidence skills. You’re going to need to be able to speak up and say stuff and know your own feelings are okay to basically survive.

(PS your feelings are totally normal here. I would be thinking “what a wanker” if that had happened to me. I hope you get to that point one day where you can be confident to do that and not doubt yourself)

Edited

Ignore all the absolute idiots - charming.

ChaToilLeam · 12/05/2025 23:26

I'm sorry about your friend, OP. Two friends of mine passed away in the last year and although you do try to carry on as normal, and enjoy whatever you are doing, sometimes it just hits you. And a decent partner would understand that and show some sympathy instead of being an uncaring wanker about it. The smirk is just the icing on the cake. Sounds like time to throw this one back.