Shit end to our first holiday, I'm seeing him in a different light

[Birkies1all1summer]

I've just got back from a week abroad with my bf, it was the first holiday we've been on together and we had a brilliant time for the first 5 days.

I was feeling a little down towards the end as it was my oldest friends birthday (she passed away last year before we met)

I didn't want to put a dampener on things so kept it to myself and did my best (unsuccessfully) to stay in good spirits.

He noticed the shift in my mood unfortunately and that prompted a shift in his. He seemed pissed off.

It all felt quite uncomfortable to be honest so I told him what the matter was and why I was a bit quiet. I explained that I didn't want to put a dampener on the holiday so didn't bring it up earlier, but I was a bit upset and will be fine in a day or so.

"Ah, well that explains it" he said.

I thought we'd be fine after that but he didn't speak much during the flight home and it felt like he just wanted to rush off when we got back. He spent the last 20 minutes together talking on the phone to his mate about the football whilst I booked my cab and got my bags together.

No asking if I was OK / checking in with me after I got home (wouldn't that be the norm in these circumstances or am I just being a wet flannel here?)

No contact yesterday (he usually texts every morning)

He had my ipad at his house so I sent a text this AM asking if he could meet me with it this afternoon as I needed it for work. He responds very dry and says OK.

By this point I'm reflecting back on the past few days and wondering whether I've ruined the holiday, or more to the point whether he thinks I did. I've been kicking myself about it.

We arranged to meet at the park after work for me to get the ipad and he arrived, not looking especially pleased to see me.

I told him I wanted to apologise for putting a dampener on things and not being very talkative for the last part of the trip.

He smirked!

Wanted to know whether I thought I would hear from him(?)

Bit of two and fro about how now he knows for next year why I'll be a bit sad at this time of year etc, but no real attempt to ascertain whether I'm OK (or was OK at the time), no apology from him for being moody with me

Superficial conversation follows about random things he has planned this week.

I'm left feeling like he likely doesn't care about me at all and to be completely honest, after the silent treatment, smirking when I apologised and quizzing me on whether I thought I would hear from him, I feel like he got off on having the upper hand for some reason.

What are your thoughts please? Am I a miserable cow who ruined the holiday by being upset about a deceased loved one? Did he have grounds to be pissed off with me? How am I/he coming across?

He smirked!
Wanted to know whether I thought I would hear from him(?)

Horrible hideous game playing. Here is your early warning 🚩

You’re sad with grief and he uses it as an opportunity to mess with your head. Utter wanker.

It’s always about communication OP and really, you were rather immature about that particular anniversary which was important to you and adversely affected you, because you didn’t let him know in advance or even at the time leaving him guessing for a while.
You were upbeat and cheerful for five days and then suddenly, without explanation, went quiet. No doubt he was confused.
Were you actually testing him and hoping he would be all sympathetic and kind with gentle probing to tease it out of you that it was in fact a sad time for you. He came up short if that’s what you wanted. He could definitely have shown more empathy once you told him. So then you were also confused that he was off-hand and not more understanding.

I don’t understand his comment in the park after your genuine apology and attempt to set things straight. It would leave me very uncertain and wary about a future with him as I wouldn’t be able to trust his thinking. Sounds like he was deliberately playing games to point score, which for me, would mean the end of the relationship.

He sounds immature and uncaring. Time to reassess, OP.

Hmm...I wouldn't be getting back with a smirker, personally. They are arseholes.

I think that's harsh. She said the first five days were great and it was just one day she was quiet. People are human, we don't need to be fun fun ra ra all the time. Anyway, when she did mention what was wrong he wasn't supportive so her instinct wasn't wrong. He sounds like an asshole op.

Well, all couples have their occasional incidents, misunderstandings, down times and so on. But from what you've said, I couldn't tell if he was ending it or just temporarily displeased with you.

If you still care for him, aside from this trip that went sour, I'd wait a day or two, then send him a light, nice text and see what happens. Good luck.

I think it was a bit of both, the fact you were noticeably "off" and he had to guess isn't great behaviour. I think the fact you both talked about it and it didn't really have a good outcome suggest that perhaps you're not compatible. It probably made him think twice about you too, hence his bad reaction.

Also, I'd resist the urge to read too much into one disagreement. For ex., a "smirk" can mean many things, for ex. "I'm not quite excusing you or don't see it quite the way you do." It doesn't necessarily mean "I'm laughing in your face with no respect."

At most, his behavior might be a red flag, a hint that he might not be the one for you. But nothing more than that, in my opinion. I've been married to my guy for many years and once in a while we still make each other really mad. I don't see any way around it.

I think you lucked out, OP - I surely do.

Love will find you. ❤️

I disagree with you having to think about the date in advance, I don’t think people often know how they’re going to feel about things like this, it’s different for everybody. I think it’s pretty cold to suggest you should have. Aside from him being generally uncaring, I think it’s more worrying about how he seemed to enjoy the power play. I honestly wouldn’t want to continue the relationship with him after that. The whole smirking thing, and whether you would hear from him again, that wouldn’t work for me. He sounds emotionally immature, and actually a little bit sly and cold. I doubt a character flaw like that is a one-off. I’m really sorry about your friend, by the way.

It's also a strain to spend that many days together non-stop when you're not used to it. It's not surprising that this little flare-up happened at the end of the trip. Him later asking if you thought he'd call could be dripping with sarcasm or not or he could have just uttered something slightly nonsensical. From what you've said, it's not clear what he meant by it.

I have to say though, from what you posted, this sounds to me more like the proverbial "first fight" than anything big enough to break up over. Please let us know how it goes. :)

I think this depends on whether you're aware of being the sort of person who gets upset over anniversaries like this. Appreciate it's the first year for OP with an anniversary for this particular tragedy, but most people I know who have this sort of reaction to the anniversary of a friend's death will have had a reaction to other tragic anniversaries (loss of a pet, break up, other death). So while this may have been a complete surprise to her, she may also know that she's the sort of person who this will happen to - in which case it would have been poor to book these dates.

I'm sort of your friend. My you is in for a hard time because in 2021 her husband died and they were that couple who were just perfectly happy in their own perfect way. They were each other's person. I loved the bones of him too. He was my brother from another mother. Since then she has met someone else and it'll never be that relationship but it's nice and it's gentle. She met him when I was going through treatment and I just like him. We had a lovely Christmas together which was the first time I was able to eat Christmas dinner in ages and I was making lots of plans for this year and delighted that after a couple of years of not being "very well" I'd be able to get back to doing some sewing courses which I'd started in 2023 and loved. I was cancer free for about six months. And then it decided to come back in more than one place and, well, like I said I'm sort of your friend and you're sort of my friend. Her new chap? Here's the thing, he's not as emotionally there as her and I find this is often the case with men but he gets it. He's gutted that I'm not going to be around too, so maybe because he knows me it's different but I think it's more than that. It's that he's decent. He gives us as much time as we want together but managed to do all he could to get time off to come to my living funeral because we both wanted him there. He looks after her practically but also with love and care, it's that the latter is harder for him. He acts, in fact, how any decent person would.

Now, yes, I think telling him in advance that there was a possibility that you might be a bit low on her birthday would have been a good idea, but it's the first year, you had no idea exactly how it'd hit you and you were hoping to be fine and trying to be considerate of his feelings. He then went on to behave like an utter shit. He was/is going to break up with you because real emotions are not for him. And you are better off without him because having a dick and being one is one utter cock too many.

I'm sorry for your loss and it will get easier but it takes time. The fact that you miss her so much and it hit you harder on her birthday is just love trying to find somewhere to go.

Dump him. I don’t think you know anyone until you’ve been on holiday together. He has shown you who he is. This is what your future with him will look like - more of this and you censoring your emotions in order to keep him happy. From someone who ignored the red flags and is now trying to escape from a 20 year marriage with an emotionally unavailable man. Also, the smirk - prepare for a lot more of those or end it now.

He... sounds like a prick.

However, I have a real issue with people remembering deceased loved ones/friends by being miserable and quiet..

Be happy that you knew them, raise a glass, talk about them, share a happy memory...

Certainly when I shuffle off (and that could be any day, I don't know but I am already several years past my 'you won't see x birthday' date), I absolutely do not want friends having a miserable time, spoiling holidays and generally glooming about on my death-iversary! Remember the fun stuff, the stupid shit, the life that was lived!

So if you are inclined to mark the anniversary of someones passing by glooming about quietly feeling sad, it was pretty silly to do that on a holiday!

But back to him - he really does sound like a prick. Like showing empathy is too much effort, like he's been punishing you or testing you somehow.

So get shot of him and find someone with a solid, decent personality!

Absolutely this.

OP, I was neutral before I got to the bit where he smirked and said whether he thought you would hear from him.

He was cold towards you deliberately to get a reaction from you at a time when you were upset. I hate this kind of guy. A normal reaction to someone you care about being upset over the death is to sympathise with them and check they are OK. Instead, he took your vulnerable situation and tried to 'punish' you for being upset on holiday by being cold towards you and seeing if you would notice. The smirk says he was waiting for you to apologise for your completely natural feelings. It is OK to have feelings!

I personally would dodge this one but if it is the first time he has been like this in 10 months maybe tell him how you feel - his reaction will tell you what you need to know.

I think you messed up. I would be telling him to back away

Neither of you handled this situation well, but he isn’t here to give his account, so let’s focus on your role.

Communication in any relationship is key, yet you didn’t feel able to talk to him about your very recent grief of a loved one. Pps are right that he mirrored your behaviour, but I disagree that it was likely for narcissistic reasons.

You gave out the signal that your grief is not to be spoken about unless absolutely necessary. Even then you shut down potential support by telling him you would be ok with a bit of space. Don’t talk-talk! It is like saying you don’t want sugar in your tea, but being pissed off when the other person doesn’t magically know that actually you want two!

Then when home you tested him to see if he would come to you first. Why not just communicate to him this is what you wanted/needed? Why did it need a game? Was that about him or you?

You are understandably upset that he wasn’t more empathetic to your feelings and thought processes, but I also haven’t seen the same empathy or curiosity returned towards him. Feel, but don’t feel.

I wonder how he experienced the sudden change of mood, and the gap in contact. Needed space? 1st contact being about wanting your iPad back. Fear of rejection/the end of the relationship/you still ‘needing space’?

What did sudden mood changes signal for him based of his past lived experience? Somebody hurt/in a huff/about to lose their shit emotionally/physically? I wonder what narrative he was using to fill in those silences.

It is all hypothetical. The only way to really know is to ask him. By doing so you get to fill in some of the gaps left by silenced that you encouraged and instigated from that first shift in mood.

I think you should have told him as I think you would have had a different reaction from him. To just go moody and quiet without any explanation would have had me thinking twice about a relationship with you tbh. I don’t understand why you didn’t think you could tell him at the time? That said however, his reaction when you did tell him speaks volumes and I don’t think you’re that compatible.

Yes , and thats exactly how he would have taken it .

Could there have been other issues on the holiday that you aren't aware of? You're assuming it's because of your mood but perhaps something else has bothered him. As for the anniversary, these things affect people differently. I have one friend who remembers all dates and finds deaths really upsetting. Whereas some people just take death in their stride and aren't affected by anniversaries at all. This in itself wouldn't make a couple incompatible but might mean they'd need to discuss and negotiate potential problems (like not taking a holiday at a difficult time, or making allowances for low moods).

All these people saying you just aren’t compatible…I feel that’s victim blaming a bit. Yes, you could have communicated with him a little better but he’s shown a complete lack of empathy with his behaviour on your return home. Most people aren’t compatible with someone who has no empathy!

I don’t think either of you handled it very well if I’m honest. I don’t understand why you weren’t just upfront about it in the first place and just tell him that it would have been your friend’s birthday. There’s nothing I hate more than someone who just goes quiet and sad but doesn’t say why. I start to get offended and think that I may be the problem and the reason why they have gone quiet. People aren’t psychic in knowing how you feel! If you don’t say something then how was he supposed to know. It was supposed to be a holiday and you just went quiet after the first few days!

However, he also seems to have very little empathy and I would have thought that when you explained the situation then he would have been a bit more caring. As others have said, it could be narcissism. I certainly wouldn’t want to continue a relationship with someone who acted the way he did. It would be a massive red flag in my opinion and you’re better off getting out now.

i think your behaviour to him wasn’t fair. You effectively sulked and ruined the end of the holiday without telling him why.

the comment in the park suggested that he thought you thought he was breaking up with him. His comment about next year sounded like an attempt to reassure he still wanted to be together.

doesn’t sound like he handled it great but neither did you. Given you didn’t tell him for ages, he probably didn’t know how to act and what you wanted. Yes in an ideal world he would have been sympathetic and given you a hug/taken care of you but he was probably confused.

Yes i agree with this no one likes mind games