Shit end to our first holiday, I'm seeing him in a different light

[Birkies1all1summer]

I've just got back from a week abroad with my bf, it was the first holiday we've been on together and we had a brilliant time for the first 5 days.

I was feeling a little down towards the end as it was my oldest friends birthday (she passed away last year before we met)

I didn't want to put a dampener on things so kept it to myself and did my best (unsuccessfully) to stay in good spirits.

He noticed the shift in my mood unfortunately and that prompted a shift in his. He seemed pissed off.

It all felt quite uncomfortable to be honest so I told him what the matter was and why I was a bit quiet. I explained that I didn't want to put a dampener on the holiday so didn't bring it up earlier, but I was a bit upset and will be fine in a day or so.

"Ah, well that explains it" he said.

I thought we'd be fine after that but he didn't speak much during the flight home and it felt like he just wanted to rush off when we got back. He spent the last 20 minutes together talking on the phone to his mate about the football whilst I booked my cab and got my bags together.

No asking if I was OK / checking in with me after I got home (wouldn't that be the norm in these circumstances or am I just being a wet flannel here?)

No contact yesterday (he usually texts every morning)

He had my ipad at his house so I sent a text this AM asking if he could meet me with it this afternoon as I needed it for work. He responds very dry and says OK.

By this point I'm reflecting back on the past few days and wondering whether I've ruined the holiday, or more to the point whether he thinks I did. I've been kicking myself about it.

We arranged to meet at the park after work for me to get the ipad and he arrived, not looking especially pleased to see me.

I told him I wanted to apologise for putting a dampener on things and not being very talkative for the last part of the trip.

He smirked!

Wanted to know whether I thought I would hear from him(?)

Bit of two and fro about how now he knows for next year why I'll be a bit sad at this time of year etc, but no real attempt to ascertain whether I'm OK (or was OK at the time), no apology from him for being moody with me

Superficial conversation follows about random things he has planned this week.

I'm left feeling like he likely doesn't care about me at all and to be completely honest, after the silent treatment, smirking when I apologised and quizzing me on whether I thought I would hear from him, I feel like he got off on having the upper hand for some reason.

What are your thoughts please? Am I a miserable cow who ruined the holiday by being upset about a deceased loved one? Did he have grounds to be pissed off with me? How am I/he coming across?

How on earth does going a bit quiet ruin a holiday? Ridiculous over reaction.

Even if the op hadn't been sad, she isn't allowed to have a spell of quietness over a period of a few days for any reason? How exhausting to have to keep the bright and breezy every minute of every hour of every day.

Op, he sounds like a jerk. All he had to do was ask if you were ok? Raise a glass or two to your friend. And then try to enjoy the rest of the holiday.

Instead he made it all about it him. This is how it will be in future if there are any problems or if you have feelings about something or someone other than him. He won't like it.

Please don't bother with him anymore.

I think you should break up with him.

I don’t think your communication was perfect but let’s look at what really happened :

I didn't want to put a dampener on things so kept it to myself and did my best (unsuccessfully) to stay in good spirits.

You did your best to keep your mood up and effectively hide your sadness from affecting him so that kind of explains why you didn’t mention the reason why to him. Not wise but well intentioned!

He noticed the shift in my mood unfortunately and that prompted a shift in his. He seemed pissed off.

He picked up on it -despite your best efforts- and instead of asking what’s wrong, or trying to stay positive he almost acted as if it were a personal attack.

It all felt quite uncomfortable to be honest so I told him what the matter was and why I was a bit quiet. I explained that I didn't want to put a dampener on the holiday so didn't bring it up earlier, but I was a bit upset and will be fine in a day or so.
"Ah, well that explains it" he said.

When you did eventually tell him- and I’m sure with hindsight you knew you should’ve told him from the outset - he still never showed any concern.

This part is key. He could’ve briefly said a few kind words expressing some empathy and and said “ @Birkies1all1summer please tell me the next time something like this gets you down so I’m not left wondering. Well anyway only two days on the hols, let’s get some activities/drinks in” you can cheer someone up and be there for them without moping or being insensitive- there’s a balance you can strike.

His behaviour was uncaring and it is utterly rude to be on the phone for the last 20 minutes when you’re with someone. Especially after what you told him.

It’s not as if you were in a group, it was just you and him and yet he was chatting away on the phone. Probably so he wouldn’t have to say goodbye properly . Could his chat with friend not have waited? It’s like he deliberately tried to make you feel small.

The smirk would’ve been the final straw for me. Seems he is playing power games and feels he “won” this one . It won’t end well, move on.

Human emotions are messy and so is grief, you may not have did everything perfectly but I think even if you had communicated better and even if you weren’t on holiday, he still wouldn’t have been that empathetic.

Op, he sounds like a jerk. All he had to do was ask if you were ok? Raise a glass or two to your friend. And then try to enjoy the rest of the holiday.
Instead he made it all about it him. This is how it will be in future if there are any problems or if you have feelings about something or someone other than him. He won't like It.

This exactly, completely agree. @SugarPlumpFairyCakes He literally made things worse, he could’ve made some brief acknowledgment or kind gesture about her grief, then went back to enjoying it and that probably would’ve lifted OPs mood a bit too so everyone would be better off.

He spent the last 20 minutes together talking on the phone to his mate about the football whilst I booked my cab and got my bags together

Honestly given the context this happened in, it is just objectively bad behaviour designed to make you feel shit when you’re already feeling low.

It all sounds super tedious. Why are you watching him like a hawk and over-analysing every little thing he says and does? To me it sounds like he was fed up by the end of the holiday and needed a break from you and your low mood for a day or two. Quite understandable in the circumstances.

So if you was on holiday and someone started sulking and going really quiet you wouldn’t wonder why and start to think that maybe they are slightly ruining the holiday? Nobody wants a damper putting on their holiday by someone who chooses to go quiet and sad without saying why. Because then you start to wonder if it’s you who’s the problem.

However, I do agree that the guy seems like a twat and he should have understood after op told him her reason. He seems to lack empathy and I’d say he’s quite self selfish to behave the way he did towards op. It’s more the fact that she just went quiet and sad whilst they were supposed to be enjoying themselves is why people are saying it ruined the holiday. Her bf isn’t psychic to know why she went like that if she didn’t explain why in the first place. But yes I agree he’s a jerk and op needs to get rid

You suddenly went quiet and didn't tell him why, I think you behaved like a child.

He’s gone off you. Happens usually during the first two years when the excitement wears off. Sounds like you’ve gone off him too so no need to be too analytical about it.
I would just message him that it seems to not be working any more and all the best.

Thank you for all of these replies. I have taken everything on board and am owning the fact I should have let him know in advance that this particular day might be a bit difficult for me.

I was 100% not attention seeking and didn't even want to mention anything as I didn't think I would feel down in the dumps at the time.

It was just the one day I was noticeably quiet but even so, I wasn't being blunt/short/inpatient/rude just quieter than I usually am (whilst still trying to maintain an upbeat mood)

He was mirroring me yes.

To answer some questions, I'm 23 and he's 27.

I have supported him through similar days to the one I had on holiday, several times, so his reaction did surprise me as it was the opposite to mine when he has been upset/stressed.

I totally see how a shift in mood could be annoying on holiday and I was being genuine when I apologised to him.

I'm going to do as suggested and leave the ball in his court now as to whether he reaches out to me again. I am disappointed in his coldness and think it doesn't bode well for the future.

I’ve found the grief in my life entirely unpredictable, the sort of thing that rises up on a normal Wednesday afternoon and fells you because you hear a forgotten song. One anniversary might pass, whereas another leaves you under the duvet. I wouldn’t want a partner who couldn’t understand that, even if it wasn’t his experience.

Also, I thought OP sounded perhaps a little younger and so perhaps grief is a little newer to her, I hope so, because life only tends to get more dense with it. Either way, I find compassion usually works best. Either way, she can do far better for a boyfriend.

This seems wise, yes.

This particular man isn't worth keeping.

In future, let any partner/boyfrirnd know when there's a difficult date coming up (do not expect this information to stay in their heads permanently, people don't usually memorise dates like that if it's a day for not doing stuff as opposed to a positive thing like a birthday) and don't plan something where you are supposed to be enjoying yourself on a day when you are likely to be sad.

One of my friends had a friend (who I didn't know) who died, and each year on the anniversary will meet up at a beatiful garden (stately home type) with mutual friends who did know the the one who died, so that they can be with people who are similarly affected and who mutually understand why.

He sounds very cold and unapproachable

Sorry for your loss. I suppose it depends what you actually did while you were upset? Were you just a bit quiet, or did you say some really nasty things? It’s hard to judge his reaction without knowing. In saying that, if you were just a bit quiet and down, he doesn’t sound very caring, so this is something you’ll need to think about. Would you be ok with a potential lower level of emotional attentiveness throughout your relationship? I have to say, kindly, I think you’ve missed a trick here by not opening up about this sooner, especially as the trip must have been booked for a while? Still, I do appreciate you didn’t want to put a downer on it. I think you both need to sit down and have an honest and open chat about it. I know you tried, but you’ve come away with more Qs, so I don’t feel you said everything you wanted to say. Equally, did you ask him some open-ended questions to allow him to open up; how did it make you feel etc? My DH could sometimes be like this early doors and it actually stemmed from him feeling a bit helpless and not knowing what to do. He’s much much better now and talks about his feelings more too. Good luck!

edit: just seen you’ve updated in the thread and answered some of my Qs above, so just take what resonates here and leave what doesn’t!

I had one of these men.

I'd failed an exam and was waiting to hear if I could resit or if I'd need to retake the module. Hardly end of the world stuff. On holiday I received an email to say that I only had to do the exam. I told him it was sorted in an 'Ah, that's good. Redoing the whole thing would have been a pain in the arse' sort of way. That was that - or so I thought.

Apparently my obsession with this had spoiled the holiday and he didn't feel like I was 'his' until I'd got the email. I'd checked my emails a couple of times. It was before smart phones and wasn't as if I was dragging him to an internet cafe every day. We saw one on a day out and went in.

He smirked!
Wanted to know whether I thought I would hear from him(?)

OP you were not focused on him 24/7 and he punished you for it. You paid for this with uncertainty about your relationship. Smirking and punishing you for your grief is not normal. People who are emotionally cold or struggle with empathy do not do this. At worst they would have a neutral or dismissive response, but that's about it.

Bit of two and fro about how now he knows for next year why I'll be a bit sad at this time of year etc,

I suspect it's you who now knows for next year. You have a year to practice hiding your sadness around this time. After all, you know how he'll behave if you don't/can't. You told him what was wrong and he proceeded to give you the silent treatment. Please don't ignore this sick response. This is who he is. This is the man you are really dating.

I'm going to do as suggested and leave the ball in his court now as to whether he reaches out to me again. I am disappointed in his coldness and think it doesn't bode well for the future.

@Birkies1all1summer please don’t be a passive observer in your own life. Who knows if this was a massive misunderstanding or if you are indeed incompatible. By waiting and seeing, with him placed in implicit control, you are basically replicating the problematic behaviour on holiday (this part, I am theorising, is a you thing).

If you always do what you always do you will always get what you always get! try something different!

“DBF, I’ve been thinking about our holiday and time since, and wondering how it was for you. See the story I’ve been telling myself is… Is there any truth in that?”

“What could we both have done better?”

etc.

If he’s a twat after that leave, but at the very least you would have learned a life skill of helpful assertion and communication.

I think this is one of those mumsjet examples of ‘when someone tells you who they are, believe them’ He had no sympathy or kindness for you. Now imagine you’re 10 years down the line and dealing with a parental bereavement or you’ve experienced a personal loss like a miscarriage. Is this the man you’d want by your side? I think if anything you’ve had a lucky escape.

Good questions raised about how he would react in the future after difficult life events, bereavements etc.

I have had some insight into what that might look like, this situation aside, and if I'm being completely honest with myself I don't think he has the emotional bandwidth to be a primary support to somebody else.

The dynamic that has formed between us is one where I am the emotional supporter that tries to help, advise, etc.

Whenever I've got something going on, and there has been a few times where I have (such as job loss 6 months in) he doesn't seem to know what to say.

Are you sure he wasn’t just trying to give you some space to deal with things emotionally? If you’ve been with him 10 months then presumably when he met you, you were still very raw from the sad death of your best friend. How was he at that time?

If you were comfortable I would have thought you would have told him in advance about the date and your feelings. But he wasn’t able to handle how you were feeling. So I think there is a bit of both going on but neither of you communicated well.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of telling him/not telling him in advance. She did explain when she realised she wasn't coping well. He reacted to her quietness by deciding he'd be just as quiet and show her rather than do what a lot of normal people would do and ask if the quiet person was okay.
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Blah, blah, blah. And then when she picked up her iPad, he smirked and asked if she thought she'd hear from him! He smirked! I know who the childish person is in this situation and it's not the 23 year old.

He doesn't know what to say because he doesn't care. He's not interested in your things.

His response to your sadness was to play games, punishing you in the hopes he'd get you wondering if you'd hear from him again. He even told you that with a smirk on his face. I'll say it again - this is not a normal or appropriate response.

It amused him to try and add to your distress, not alleviate it. This is the real issue.

I can’t bear it when people are quiet / appear moody and I don’t understand why. It would have been helpful for you to explain.

He also could have gently asked if everything was ok and you could then explain why.

He doesn’t sound empathetic and he sounds like he’s gone off you, which may not be a bad thing if he’s unsupportive.

Would be interesting to know for context how old you both are and how long you’ve been together.

I would say the only acceptable reaction from a bf once you told him what was wrong would have been to take an interest and have you open up about what your friend was like etc.

The kind of reactions he has given, ‘did you think you’d hear from me?’ etc aren’t really ok in any scenario. Seems he wants to have the upper hand rather than love you and make you feel cared for.

Maybe I bond with men in a different way, I don’t know, but with the last guy I dated, and it really didn’t go on for long at all, we would be very comfortable going first thing in the morning ‘hey I’m not on my a-game today, something happened’ and the other going ‘tell me’. If it was something bigger we’d meet and chat about it, listen, and that’s effectively how we bonded, we’d then feel seen and understood and the conversation would go on to more fun things. These conversations started before we even kissed.

If you want someone that listens to you, I’m afraid you need a different boyfriend.

She gives the extra context in her later posts. They’ve been together 10 months and she’s 23 and he’s 27.