Shit end to our first holiday, I'm seeing him in a different light

[Birkies1all1summer]

I've just got back from a week abroad with my bf, it was the first holiday we've been on together and we had a brilliant time for the first 5 days.

I was feeling a little down towards the end as it was my oldest friends birthday (she passed away last year before we met)

I didn't want to put a dampener on things so kept it to myself and did my best (unsuccessfully) to stay in good spirits.

He noticed the shift in my mood unfortunately and that prompted a shift in his. He seemed pissed off.

It all felt quite uncomfortable to be honest so I told him what the matter was and why I was a bit quiet. I explained that I didn't want to put a dampener on the holiday so didn't bring it up earlier, but I was a bit upset and will be fine in a day or so.

"Ah, well that explains it" he said.

I thought we'd be fine after that but he didn't speak much during the flight home and it felt like he just wanted to rush off when we got back. He spent the last 20 minutes together talking on the phone to his mate about the football whilst I booked my cab and got my bags together.

No asking if I was OK / checking in with me after I got home (wouldn't that be the norm in these circumstances or am I just being a wet flannel here?)

No contact yesterday (he usually texts every morning)

He had my ipad at his house so I sent a text this AM asking if he could meet me with it this afternoon as I needed it for work. He responds very dry and says OK.

By this point I'm reflecting back on the past few days and wondering whether I've ruined the holiday, or more to the point whether he thinks I did. I've been kicking myself about it.

We arranged to meet at the park after work for me to get the ipad and he arrived, not looking especially pleased to see me.

I told him I wanted to apologise for putting a dampener on things and not being very talkative for the last part of the trip.

He smirked!

Wanted to know whether I thought I would hear from him(?)

Bit of two and fro about how now he knows for next year why I'll be a bit sad at this time of year etc, but no real attempt to ascertain whether I'm OK (or was OK at the time), no apology from him for being moody with me

Superficial conversation follows about random things he has planned this week.

I'm left feeling like he likely doesn't care about me at all and to be completely honest, after the silent treatment, smirking when I apologised and quizzing me on whether I thought I would hear from him, I feel like he got off on having the upper hand for some reason.

What are your thoughts please? Am I a miserable cow who ruined the holiday by being upset about a deceased loved one? Did he have grounds to be pissed off with me? How am I/he coming across?

It sounds like he's checked out already. It's no loss of he's only there for the good times

I've had a partner like this, OP. The thing is, if he'd reacted with more care when he first noticed you were sad then you'd probably have had a good end to the holiday. But what happens with these people is they react with coldness and detachment, which makes everything feel worse. Then we question whether we were reasonable or whether perhaps it was our fault, because we're made to feel it's all on us. Then when they get back in touch we write it off and put our best foot forward, but inevitably it will come around again. This is all very familiar to me, down to the breezy message a few days later. It sounds like he might be avoidant, and I'd be wary of being sucked back in.

This comment is just so misogynistic and weird.

You're both as selfish as each other.

Look at you, you've added SO much to the thread @Snakebite61 and helpfully quoted the entire OP again. Well done 👏.

But did he actually smirk?

Perhaps the OP misinterpreted a facial expression, but this one word seems to have convinced many of you that he is a cad of the highest order.

From the approving “attaboys” on this thread I presume that many mumsnetters believe that she deserved much worse than a smirk for having the temerity to have needs on a man’s holiday.

Grief hits in many unpredictable ways. As pps have said, they themselves (as have I) been surprised by their own reaction.

You attempted to carry on as normal, but when you realised he noticed you told him. He then proceeded to punish you for it when most people would have been caring and seemed to find it amusing to mess you around. There are people on this thread trying to do the same, my immediate reaction to them is to recoil in disgust at how insensitive they are. I would not want that in a partner, and it doesn't sound like you do either.

No need for comments if you can't be pleasant/diplomatic

Misogynistic how? My comment would have read exactly the same if it had been a lesbian relationship with different gender indicators. What right does any partner have to change the mood on holiday for the worst, without explanation, when they have the exact explanation and just aren't saying? It is poor behaviour.

Attention seeking behaviour - waiting to be asked what's wrong like an adolescent at the dinner table pushing their food around and sighing loudly - can be seen in anyone; male and female. You can claim that as a female trait by decrying "misogyny!" if you wish, but I think a lot of women would disagree with you.

Or maybe it's the two days of being pissy about it* and not showing OP any real concern or consideration?

*someone going quiet but upbeat' for a few hours on their dead friend's birthday

Attention seeking behaviour - waiting to be asked what's wrong like an adolescent at the dinner table pushing their food around and sighing loudly

None of which actually happened @HAB75. You don't appear to have read any of the OP's updates

....but he didn't actually know that at the time, not being psychic.

@StripyShirt

..but he didn't actually know that at the time, not being psychic.

And? Wouldn't you show some concern if you noticed that your partner, or anyone, seemed a bit quieter than usual? And, once they had explained, wouldn't you be a little considerate towards them? Or would you then act like a knob for over two days in revenge?

OP wasn't horrible to him she said she wasn't blunt/short/inpatient/rude just quieter than I usually am (whilst still trying to maintain an upbeat mood)

He may not have known at the time, but he found out within a few hours - and then acted like a twat.

Yeah and to add to that at least OP eventually addressed why her mood had changed after a few hours . He never did.

Even when they met up days later he didn’t acknowledge or address the fact that he had been off with her for two days. Not to mention the utter rudeness of chatting on the phone to his friend about football for the last 20 minutes while she was organising her bags and taxi home.

Easier said then done I know, but this seems a classic chalk up to experience and move on to find yourself soul mate.

I do kind of agree with this - although he should have been more sympathetic. I think telling him instead of being quiet was unusual - I would wonder why you hadn’t just said something

For some people they will take from you but can’t give you what you need. The smirk is odd and could be a sign of a manipulative personality. Yes communication wasn’t there but I think you need to consider why you didn’t communicate with him, were you wary this would happen? I would watch his actions carefully going forward.

He could still have shown some kindness

Red flag. I'd be moving on. Don't even waste your energy analyzing him even more.

I just had an email notifying me that this thread had been posted on, lots has changed since then. We are long over. My gut instinct was right he's a nasty guy and was a royal PITA to get rid of - but now has been 🙂

Oh thank God for that update OP. Just read the thread and was hoping for that outcome. You provided emotional support for him, he was clueless when it came to you, even when you explained why you were down. You are well rid.

Great news OP

Well done!!

Well done Op, learn whatever lesson you need from this and move on to better things and people.