Shit end to our first holiday, I'm seeing him in a different light

[Birkies1all1summer]

I've just got back from a week abroad with my bf, it was the first holiday we've been on together and we had a brilliant time for the first 5 days.

I was feeling a little down towards the end as it was my oldest friends birthday (she passed away last year before we met)

I didn't want to put a dampener on things so kept it to myself and did my best (unsuccessfully) to stay in good spirits.

He noticed the shift in my mood unfortunately and that prompted a shift in his. He seemed pissed off.

It all felt quite uncomfortable to be honest so I told him what the matter was and why I was a bit quiet. I explained that I didn't want to put a dampener on the holiday so didn't bring it up earlier, but I was a bit upset and will be fine in a day or so.

"Ah, well that explains it" he said.

I thought we'd be fine after that but he didn't speak much during the flight home and it felt like he just wanted to rush off when we got back. He spent the last 20 minutes together talking on the phone to his mate about the football whilst I booked my cab and got my bags together.

No asking if I was OK / checking in with me after I got home (wouldn't that be the norm in these circumstances or am I just being a wet flannel here?)

No contact yesterday (he usually texts every morning)

He had my ipad at his house so I sent a text this AM asking if he could meet me with it this afternoon as I needed it for work. He responds very dry and says OK.

By this point I'm reflecting back on the past few days and wondering whether I've ruined the holiday, or more to the point whether he thinks I did. I've been kicking myself about it.

We arranged to meet at the park after work for me to get the ipad and he arrived, not looking especially pleased to see me.

I told him I wanted to apologise for putting a dampener on things and not being very talkative for the last part of the trip.

He smirked!

Wanted to know whether I thought I would hear from him(?)

Bit of two and fro about how now he knows for next year why I'll be a bit sad at this time of year etc, but no real attempt to ascertain whether I'm OK (or was OK at the time), no apology from him for being moody with me

Superficial conversation follows about random things he has planned this week.

I'm left feeling like he likely doesn't care about me at all and to be completely honest, after the silent treatment, smirking when I apologised and quizzing me on whether I thought I would hear from him, I feel like he got off on having the upper hand for some reason.

What are your thoughts please? Am I a miserable cow who ruined the holiday by being upset about a deceased loved one? Did he have grounds to be pissed off with me? How am I/he coming across?

The smirk and question about seeing him again sounds like he was playing mind games. I'd be very wary of him.

I don't blame him for being upset that you became withdrawn and sad on the holiday for no apparent reason. It would have looked like sulking, or attention-seeking behaviour (wanting him to plead with you to tell him what was wrong). I don't mean this was your motive, but it's how it would have appeared.

He's now decided to play tit-for-tat and has withdrawn himself.

This isn't how two adults should be behaving. It suggests you're bringing out the worst in each other, so probably time to call it a day.

In future, if you're feeling low, tell your partner why straight away. Anyone who can't cope with a partner's low mood from time to time isn't worth keeping - everyone has sad/anxious periods in their life and it's something you have to deal with if you are in a relationship.

Drop him back in the ocean. He's 27, not a child. At 23 you've got a whole life to lead, find someone better.

The smirk is awful.
Bin!
But in future don't just go quiet on someone without explanation either...

He sounds a knob and there are some red flags there. You deserve better than this. Don’t bother contacting him, anyone that ‘tests’ you like he did about whether you thought he’d contact you, is an abuser.

I agree with this. My dad died 4 years ago. It would have been his 80th birthday last year. It hit me quite hard that day and I wasn’t expecting it to.
My (now) exDP of nearly ten years walked into the kitchen, saw me crying, asked me if I was ok, and, when I said “no”, said “ok” and walked off again. Because my attention wasn’t focused on him because of bereavement, illness and caring for an ill relative last year, he broke up with me.

He was awful after my dad died too. So I now wish I’d believed him when he’d shown me who he was several years before.

It sounds like this is what you’d get, OP, so I’d advise not to get any further involved.

I think he was using his mood to punish you. My ex would do the same. I found myself completely disconnected from my own emotions becuase managing HIS emotions took priority. I could be upset becuase it would make him angry. I couldn't be too happy becuase he'd get stressed about something to ruin it.

He smirked. Becuase it worked. You came crawling and apologised. You didn't mention his own behaviour to him. You're questioning yourself. Just the fact that you tried to hide that your were upset shows he's already done some work on you.

Do you know what I do when I feel abit shit about anything at all? I tell my partner.

Honestly get rid.

I agree. And OP is only 23 which is very young to lose a close friend.

There’s some great advice on this thread especially about him showing you who he is. Get rid OP but on your terms, be prepared for him being nasty/rude if you break up with him directly although I suspect he’s waiting for you to come running back.

You sound lovely, there’s lots of lovely caring men out there, don’t waste your time on this one!

He smirked!

Wanted to know whether I thought I would hear from him(?)

OP, forget what happened on holiday. This alone tells you he's a prize prick.

This is not the one for you.

If this is how this man treats you at the start of your relationship, how will he treat you when you’ve been together for years and years and going through tough life stuff. Get rid.

Maybe the dates weren't ideal. You were difficult for part of the holiday but you have taken responsibility and you have apologised. Instead of accepting it and moving on, he's sulking. That's not a good sign for what a future with him would look like. He's not a keeper.

He’s not the one for you.

he’s there for the fun times but not all the time, and if your looking for your long term picture how he’d be if you were ill or going through a hard time. You’d be worried and placating him when he should be supporting you.
throw this one back and be thankful he showed this side early.

Sorry but you were being a bit difficult with him OP

saying there is a “sad date” without further explanation, then going all quiet without explanation on the day is a bit like attention-seeking…. Like a test, you wanted him to react in a certain way, a caring way, asking to please reveal what this sad day is about and how he can help. But being so vague and in a way not even allowing him to know what was up you set him up to fail.

If you feel sad for a few days on this date, you should maybe have booked a trip on another date?

it’s no wonder you feel sad about your dear friend who passed away, but it is maybe quite unusual to be sad for a few days solid on a specific date only? Everyone grieves differently, but how could he have guessed any of this with you being all mysterious and glum literally leaving him guessing

Agreed and glad I'm not the only one who thought it! Also (and not saying this is the case here) a lot of attention seekers who will go quiet and maudlin so that people will ask them what's wrong rather than just come out and say what the issue is 🙄

OP was quiet on one day. She wasn't rude. People are allowed to be quiet if they want - she's not a performing monkey or the entertainment rep. If he noticed, he could have just asked "everything OK?" like a normal person

I'm going to do as suggested and leave the ball in his court now as to whether he reaches out to me again. I am disappointed in his coldness and think it doesn't bode well for the future.

I don’t know who suggested that, but please listen to what many of us are saying Op, and consider being assertive and taking control of this situation. Break up with him instead of adopting a passive approach and seeing what he does next .

He had the chance to apologise and explain his own behaviour and he chose not to, instead he smirked and was smug when you tried to make amends. So whether he wants to resume “normal” communication/affection with you is neither here nor there.

There’s another thread going right now where a woman in her early 30s who recently lost her job has just been dumped by her boyfriend who she thought was the one. He started being distant with her when she began to have issues in her life.

You see this all the time on here, grown men in their 30s,40s,50s and beyond who are incredibly unsupportive when their partner is bereaved or has a difficult life event. Is that what you want for your future?

These kind of men expect women to be happy and bouncy 24/7 with no issues, but think it’s ok for them to have down days and draw from the woman’s emotional well.

This isn’t a reciprocal relationship, you’re there for his stressed/upset days and yet he can’t do the same for you. Do you not think you deserve better?

That was my first impression too @JLou08 .

@Birkies1all1summer Take some time to reflect honestly on your relationship with this man.

His responses to you don’t reflect basic caring. And I think you are absolutely correct in that it doesn’t bode well for the future. Can you imagine what it would be like experiencing illness or injury or a difficult pregnancy or traumatic birth with a partner unwilling or unable to show you any love or care? Miserable!

Can you imagine experiencing illness or injury or a difficult pregnancy or traumatic birth with a partner who shows you the same kind of love and care as you show your partner now? That’s the kind of partner you should have.

A partner or even a friend is not worth keeping if they can’t reciprocate a similar level of love and care.

You only get one life. Choose to share your life with people who genuinely care about you, bring out the best in you, make you feel good about yourself and about their company.

Op, dump the prick.

Once you explained I would have expected him to be very kind about it. Not treat it as an opportunity to beat you emotionally.

A partner or even a friend is not worth keeping if they can’t reciprocate a similar level of love and care.

I agree, I used to have a childhood friend who trauma dumped on me regularly. If I ever so much as said I’d had a bad nights sleep or had bad cramp she would start talking about how little she slept or how bad her period gets or she’d just go quiet and avoid me the rest of the day instead of her usual string of texts and voice notes.

There was other stuff too eg. Expecting me to remember their birthday but regularly forgetting mine.

Last year I decided to quietly walk away from the friendship and I’ve no regrets. It was not a reciprocal friendship and it was draining .

If you can't make a first holiday together just about the two of you and you take your emotional baggage with you, I think you need to have a hard think about what you are looking for in a relationship. I would have been extremely pissed off in your BFs position.

Did you read the OP’s further posts? He sounds like a prick.

OP - you are too young to be dealing with this game playing man baby. Move on and have fun with a more caring human.

Well aren't you a peach.

People are allowed to be sad you know. It's not about you.

I wasn't being vague about a sad date I was just quieter than usual in the morning until around 2ish (when I realised he was mirroring me and wasn't in a good mood)

At that point I told him what the matter was and why I didn't seem like myself. I said I didn't want to put a dampener on our trip by bringing it up and was just trying (unsuccessfully) to push on and enjoy the remainder of the holiday.

At no point was I being rude, blunt, short with him or whatever else. Just a bit quiet.

To be honest, after me being open and explaining that in the hopes of alleviating the atmosphere, I thought that would be the end of his bad mood. I was surprised he was pissed off for another two days because I didn't feel like I had done anything wrong. Hence posting.

After reading the replies I can see and understand that some people wouldn't take kindly to a holiday partners mood shifting like that, and in hindsight I do agree I should have mentioned it beforehand.

He has contacted me this morning, cheerful and upbeat, asking me for a favour.