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Original poster

Apparently I’m controlling

161 replies

anicecuppateaa · 08/05/2025 08:56

I’m at my wits end. Every time we argue, DH announces I am controlling and he is scared of me. I would really appreciate some objective advice as to whether this is controlling because I feel like I am losing my mind.

So, DH has a job 3 hours away. Despite us having 3 under 5s, and me also working in a high pressured job/ little family support close by, he refuses to consider looking for more local options. Our salaries are equal (in fact mine is higher) so I can’t just stop working and be at home.

He now has to be in the office at least twice a week, sometimes 3 times and with an overnight stay. On these days, he leaves before everyone gets up.

Yesterday he announced is is in the office 3 days and away one night next week, leaving me to pick things up at home. No consideration for my job or the pressure this puts on me. He keeps telling me I am damaging his career if I dare to question the impact on me.

The week after I am away for one day and asked DM if she could cover the day, so he can still go to the office. This has caused a HUGE argument because I didn’t ask him first/ he doesn’t need help and it’s just me that finds the juggle difficult/ I am controlling his life and his days in the office. It led to a torrent of abuse about how he is scared of me and he can’t make any decisions because I am so controlling (well no, we have 3 dc so DO need to discuss office days).

Seriously, is this controlling behaviour? I thought I was trying to help ease the pressure on him and his reaction was insane.

OP posts:
Holdonforsummer · 08/05/2025 09:02

From what you have said, this isn’t controlling. The only thing I wouldn’t have done is ask the grandparents to get involved without checking with him first if he wanted that. It sounds like a communication issue: you are stressed and he is not listening. I know it’s the stock advice but maybe a few sessions of counselling/mediation?

Pillarsofsalt · 08/05/2025 09:03

You both sound overwhelmed and exhausted quite honestly. Is it worth the money?

mambojambodothetango · 08/05/2025 09:05

Have you considered that he's guilty of something (possibly something he's doing while he's away) and is accusing you of something that's a) making it harder for him and b) trying to project the guilt onto you? I hope not but it's a possibility.

GoldDuster · 08/05/2025 09:06

Three under five, two high powered jobs, one with a six hour round commute from the office? I'm not sure what lifestyle this is supporting but not for all the skiing trips you could throw at me, would this be worth it.

Of course you're both fried, look at what you are trying to do on a weekly basis, it's not the recipe for a happy relationship. Something is going to need to give, or the situation is going to implode.

Original poster
anicecuppateaa · 08/05/2025 09:07

Perhaps I should have asked him first, I accept that. After the argument he went out to watch the football, and DM happened to be staying over last night so I asked.

On the exhausted/ overwhelmed - yep! We have discussed a lifestyle move that would potentially enable us to be mortgage free/ I could stop working and do the bulk of the home stuff/ be closer to my family BUT he has just last month vetoed the area we were considering and really like, because it’s too far from his bloody job.

OP posts:
Swampdonkey123 · 08/05/2025 09:08

You don't sound controlling. The "torrent of abuse " is concerning though.

TreeDudette · 08/05/2025 09:09

He sounds delightful. He is throwing the "controlling" accusation around to make you stop challenging him. A 6hr round commute is not practical for a job that requires you to be in the office multiple days per week. He should be looking for a closer job or negotiating less office days. As he refuses to do either nor to discuss this with you or even acknowledge the impact on you then maybe it is time to consider your future in this relationship?

JollyDenimGoose · 08/05/2025 09:09

Yabu to organize help for him on his days when he is happy to let you flounder on yours. No wonder he thinks you're easily flustered if you're doing all the work for him.

rainbowstardrops · 08/05/2025 09:21

I don’t think you sound controlling from what you’ve written. It sounds as if you’re trying to communicate and see if things could work differently and he’s not prepared to entertain any of it.
I certainly wouldn’t stop working if I were you but clearly something needs to give.

AutumnFroglets · 08/05/2025 09:28

led to a torrent of abuse about how he is scared of me and he can’t make any decisions because I am so controlling

Nobody who is scared gives out a torrent of abuse so that is one big fat lie. So why is he saying that? To manipulate you into shutting up. You are in a toxic relationship and the only way to resolve it is either via joint counselling (not advised in an abusive relationship) or re-evalusting whether he is the partner (hah!) for you.

Do NOT give up your job OP, I suspect your marriagevwont last another two years Flowers

BeesTrees · 08/05/2025 09:30

You are not controlling at all. You sound like you do the bulk of the work and he doesn’t really care about the impact on you. He sounds quite selfish. You tried to help him by drafting in family, but he’s not trying to help support you at all.
A 3 hour commute isn’t practical with so many young children. Could you move closer to his work and take the pressure off both of you?

Springadorable · 08/05/2025 09:35

This is madness. Is it actually about the job? It feels like he's overreacting rather than apologising. Is he actually seeing someone from work?

Original poster
anicecuppateaa · 08/05/2025 09:37

Something has to give, I agree. I am VERY reluctant to move closer to his work. It would be 3.5 hours away from my family and I have no friends down there (his family and friends are all in that area but his family are not close - we see them twice a year at most). The area would also be a terrible commute for me if I were to continue working. It feels like this is the only realistic option (as moving towards my family will leave him with the current commute) but I feel like I would be giving up everything (job, lots of friends etc) to hold our family together….maybe that’s what good couple do I don’t know.

OP posts:
Candlestickler · 08/05/2025 09:38

He is using the word controlling in a very tactical way. By calling you controlling he has got you backing down and doubting whether you are right to push back.

At the moment you are organising everything, helping to facilitate his career, whilst he does nothing to make your job easier. He sounds unkind.

Original poster
anicecuppateaa · 08/05/2025 09:38

@Springadorable I don’t think so but you never know. He works in a male dominated industry and I know most of his colleagues. I genuinely think he is overstretched and doesn’t have a spare second for an affair.

OP posts:
Overthebow · 08/05/2025 09:41

Some try big has to give here. He can’t keep up a 3 hour commute with 3 kids and a partner who also works. It’s also putting a lot on you. You need to move closer to his work, or he gets a job closer.

lollylo · 08/05/2025 09:44

anicecuppateaa · 08/05/2025 09:37

Something has to give, I agree. I am VERY reluctant to move closer to his work. It would be 3.5 hours away from my family and I have no friends down there (his family and friends are all in that area but his family are not close - we see them twice a year at most). The area would also be a terrible commute for me if I were to continue working. It feels like this is the only realistic option (as moving towards my family will leave him with the current commute) but I feel like I would be giving up everything (job, lots of friends etc) to hold our family together….maybe that’s what good couple do I don’t know.

Absolutely do not do this with someone who is not in the mindset of making family based decisions. You will leave yourself vulnerable. If he still needs to do this sort of week, the 2 hone based days need to be picking up the slack for you. So childcare drops and pick ups and making the tea and bedtime routine. It’s a joint responsibility. Does me do this on his 2 home based days?

Catlord · 08/05/2025 09:48

Can either of you aim to move jobs to a more central location or maybe buy in some extra help with child care/ cleaning if you don't already?

In this situation specifically I really don't think you should leave your job unless you can return to it without disadvantage after a few years' career break.

It just all sounds so much pressure and he's vetoing everything. What is his solution? Where are his family? Is the career a shortish term goal? Just trying to get a picture of timescale. I agree it wasn't the worst thing in the world but next time speak to him about your mum coming first.

I think a counsellor is more than a stock suggestion, I think it would really help in this case.

S0j0urn4r · 08/05/2025 09:51

Do not give up work or move away from your family. You would have no support if the relationship ended.
The easiest fix to this would be for him to find a job with a shorter commute.
If he's not prepared to entertain that there are deeper issues.

1SillySossij · 08/05/2025 09:52

I think the fact that you pick up an unfair share of the work at home, and his feeling scared and controlled, are not mutually exclusive things. It is completely possible for you both to be right.
But I do think denying his feelings, is in and of itself,controlling.
Yes you have more work at home, but he has the commute to do. Can you have more household help to lessen the load a bit.

CuriousGeorge80 · 08/05/2025 09:56

Fuck him. I would say you have taken on board his feedback and so moving forward you will cover ever Monday, Wednesday and second Friday and he will need to cover every Tuesday, Thursday and second Friday. You won’t get involved in how he wishes to sort his days. And let him crack on. This means drop offs, pick ups, dinners and bath.

GoldDuster · 08/05/2025 10:03

Don't give up work or isolate yourself further until you've got all the options you can think of on the table, I'd agree with others that you might need outside help to work out what is the best move here. Nothing is going to change if nothing changes, so there will be compromise to be made, but I urge you to ensure that it's not you that's carrying the can on this. Some kind of equality is going to be necessary to lower the resentment. You're in the trenches now in terms of family life, if he's able to come off his high horse and work with you to make changes hopefully things will improve for all of you. This is working for 0/5 of you.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 08/05/2025 10:17

@anicecuppateaa sorry but were there discussions about having three kids and how the workload was going to be managed????

Blazeicecream · 08/05/2025 10:22

Honestly 2 careers is exhausting with kids. You are both doing amazingly well . A few things stand out - you asked your mum to help - how lovely she is able and happy to. BUT you need to stress to him it's not your job to sort childcare. So perhaps you do need to talk to him first. Because next time that happens he definitely needs to be saying - I'm sorry I can't work in the office three days this week as I'm needed at home to do childcare runs. You will probably find that the reaction is - can't your wife do it but it's important to set boundaries.
Secondly - 3 under 5? Nanny? Or outsource everything you possibly can. And get yourself some downtime too - pilates / facial etc.
(Just realised I have echoed everyone else! Take it as confirmation we are all right!)

Catlord · 08/05/2025 12:17

CuriousGeorge80 · 08/05/2025 09:56

Fuck him. I would say you have taken on board his feedback and so moving forward you will cover ever Monday, Wednesday and second Friday and he will need to cover every Tuesday, Thursday and second Friday. You won’t get involved in how he wishes to sort his days. And let him crack on. This means drop offs, pick ups, dinners and bath.

Edited

I get the temptation but what then happens if he travels for work and can't commit to those days every week? She will have to climb down and they haven't got anywhere. I think best to accept they're both under the cosh and look for solutions together (counselling, external help etc etc) rather than each unilaterally digging heels in.