Apparently I’m controlling

[anicecuppateaa]

I’m at my wits end. Every time we argue, DH announces I am controlling and he is scared of me. I would really appreciate some objective advice as to whether this is controlling because I feel like I am losing my mind.

So, DH has a job 3 hours away. Despite us having 3 under 5s, and me also working in a high pressured job/ little family support close by, he refuses to consider looking for more local options. Our salaries are equal (in fact mine is higher) so I can’t just stop working and be at home.

He now has to be in the office at least twice a week, sometimes 3 times and with an overnight stay. On these days, he leaves before everyone gets up.

Yesterday he announced is is in the office 3 days and away one night next week, leaving me to pick things up at home. No consideration for my job or the pressure this puts on me. He keeps telling me I am damaging his career if I dare to question the impact on me.

The week after I am away for one day and asked DM if she could cover the day, so he can still go to the office. This has caused a HUGE argument because I didn’t ask him first/ he doesn’t need help and it’s just me that finds the juggle difficult/ I am controlling his life and his days in the office. It led to a torrent of abuse about how he is scared of me and he can’t make any decisions because I am so controlling (well no, we have 3 dc so DO need to discuss office days).

Seriously, is this controlling behaviour? I thought I was trying to help ease the pressure on him and his reaction was insane.

Controlling is one of those words that are starting to lack meaning because some people seem to think it means 'having an opinion about something in a relationship that the other person doesn't like'.

Sounds like your DP is one of those people.

Script ?

This nails it.

With 3 very small children and the associated sleep deprivation and exhaustion, something needs to change. That can be either of you reducing hours, getting a nanny, changing jobs, ANYTHING. It’s not forever, you can review when they’re all at school.

I agree. It's normal to have differences of opinion and disagreements. Family life requires a lot of organising and project managing and dividing up tasks to make it run smoothly and fairly.

Emotionally healthy people work through those and discuss them. In this case he's turning it back on the OP and calling her controlling for making arrangements for childcare. Fair enough maybe she could have asked him first but that's something he can say he'd have preferred, rather than just call her names.

OP do not leave your current home or job, you need that security and support.

HE is controlling (and ridiculous). Please look up DARVO tactics as I think that’s what’s happening here. I’d also cite “I feel like I’m losing my mind” when it comes to relationships as being a warning sign for possible domestic abuse.

What did he expect you to do if he’s not at home and you also have to be away? Someone has to look after the kids and he did not come up with a solution. I feel like a normal person would be grateful to you and thanking you for making sure someone trustworthy is there for the kids in that situation. And he’s lucky your mum is willing.

Don’t move nearer his job OP, you are actually the higher earner in the household and you run the risk of isolating yourself from your support system if you move making you even more vulnerable to control and abuse.

"Controlling" is the new "nagging". A word used by men to stop women having opinions that are different to theirs or to have expectations of men.

I agree with @CuriousGeorge80 I suspect that what's happened is that you have become the de factor organiser of everything. He swans around going off to work and leaving you to hold the fort. As a result, you put things in place and this pisses him off because he isn't being consulted.

So I'd say, "right, the issue here is that whenever I have to work around your schedule, you don't like the plans i make. So let's agree right now how this works and who takes responsibility for what."

If his days in the office are consistent, this is relatively easy "right, I'm fully in charge of all decision making on Tuesdays and Wednesdays as those are your office days. You are 100% in charge on Mondays and Thursdays and if you need to make changes becuase of work or whatever, that's up to you."

And then more of the same for the other days.

Id' goa head and check in with yourself re other tasks etc. It wasn't controlling but DH once accused me of something similar.... because I'd taken decisions related to decorating. I pointed out that he was MORE than welcome to make these decisions but in fact I had asked him repeatedly what he thought and he'd consistently made it clear he wasn't interested and that I was no longer wiling to keep sleeping on bedding that had actual holes in it.

Does he work in the city or something? Because I can’t help but wonder why he has a 3 hour commute - was this originally a WFH job and you moved hours and hours away and it’s changed? Or has it always been like this - ? Personally if getting a similar job nearer to home isn’t an option I can’t see why he can’t get a Monday to Friday let - come home on a Thursday evening-have Friday wFH etc - it’s probably cheaper too than endless commuting - yes it puts a lot on your shoulders- but he is doing anyway - at least you know the score week to week -

But he IS unilaterally digging his heels in. In answer to your question, I would say OPs response should be OK, you can't do your day this week, so what alternative arrangements are you organising? Don't want to be controlling after all!

I guess by controlling he might in fact mean limiting his choices/action/freedom? Well yes, because there are 3 kids and 2 jobs to juggle and he is selfishly just sorting himself out.

You do NOT have to ask him if your mum could babysit. He abdicated responsibility for the children to you with no discussion, so you can fulfil that responsibility as you see fit, including delegating.

This is like how cheaters are usually paranoid and accuse their partners of cheating. He's controlling.

He sounds barking mad and unpleasant. Don't give up your job, don't move away.

It seems like your circumstances don't work.

Two high powered jobs, 3 kids under 5, a 6 hr round trip on one commute.

It doesn't seem like the income justifies the chaos. If it did, you could afford Nancy, cleaner etc.

I think you both need to have thst what do we want from life conversation and determine what changes need to be made to have a better life balance.

Not controlling in the slightest. Has he had any input in bringing the kids up? Like is he a hands on dad? Because this sounds like nothing has changed in his life and he doesn’t see the responsibility in the home with 3 kids.

In all honesty if my husband called me controlling and he was scared of me I would show him the door, why would they want to stay with someone who’s supposedly so abusive 🤷🏼‍♀️

He's acting like a single person. He's has wife and 3 kids.

I wouldn't give up your job. I wouldn't move away from your family. I'd actually move nearer to your family if you can. The relationship isn't going to last. You don't want to end up unemployed, unable to support yourself, or reliant on him. You do want to be stuck in the back end and beyond away from family support.

Your controlling, He's scared of you. BUT, he's not so scared that he'd fuck off and leave you with all the children and parenting responsibilities.

Not controlling. Not one little bit. He announces he's going to be away for 3 days, and you need to work. What else are you supposed to do? You need to arrange some childcare. If it was his parents babysitting, then maybe you could've gone through him, but I just go to my MIL and ask her myself, it's quicker and easier and I know what I need is in place!
My husband used to work away Monday to Wedneaday nearly every week and I worked Wednesday to Friday so we needed childcare for my 3 days regardless and a bit extra if he wasn't here.
I think he's being a twat!

What you've said here doesn't sound particularly controlling, however that doesn't mean that you're not controlling at other times or that he isn't valid in his feelings of being controlled.

Also I'd be pissed off if my oh was going away for work and took it upon themselves to arrange childcare implying that they didn't think I'd be able to either cope on my own or be able to arrange something myself!

If he was scared of you he would be jumping through ‘your’ hoops not accusing you of damaging his career, not asking his permission, and telling you that it’s only you that cannot handle this type of workload!!!

To be honest, his behaviour sounds a little narcissistic; the selfishness followed by trying to blame you for everything.

I maybe overthinking this last part, but I would be weary of him declaring he is scared of you, and the possibility he is saying that elsewhere too. As though he is ‘setting the scene’ for anything future disagreements and getting people to see him as the victim.
Don’t think too much into this though, as I say I’m probably over thinking, just keep a tiny bit of caution.

In our house I identified what my partner wasn't doing that they should be (in my estimation) doing to make the load even and fair. Their argument is that they are primary breadwinner (partially true but I actually earn more if we broke it down to hourly rate but I don't work so much because I prioritise family). I have outsourced so much over the last few years: the extra money being generated is being spent on making it possible. Not a healthy relationship, but I am much less resentful overall.

That’s a crazy commute even for serious money. I wouldn’t do it for anything under 250k.

No she's the one going away the following week once he's back and has taken it upon herself to decide that he can't cope!

I think he's a selfish arsehole and I'd be issuing an ultimatum.

‘Controlling’

also known as ‘expectations of being an equal parent’

it’s the new ‘nagging’ . A way for men to gaslight their wives in to doing all the work whilst they do whatever they want.

Take a breath. Op you have a lot - too much - to contend with. You can no longer see the wood from the trees, and are running on survival mode.

What are his reasons for choosing to stay in a job so far away? Something just isn’t right about this choice. Is it offering him the ability to check out on a regular basis? Is he seeing someone behind your back? You need to get to the root of why he is insisting on this, because this is the problem as I see it.

If you were both able to work locally, and work as a team this would be infinitely better for you all. It would be the basis on which I would make it my red line. You are the main breadwinner, so he needs to be more flexible.

You need more home help, even if it’s expensive, it won’t be forever.

Why all this talk about YOU potentially not working? Why should you commit career suicide and not him?
You both need to be organised and work out how childcare and house stuff will work out with your respective jobs. You jacking in your job that you are clearly good at to spend your days sitting around at home to support HIS career is ridiculous.

I have just re read the op. Is it wild to think he’s having an affair here?