Apparently I’m controlling

[anicecuppateaa]

I’m at my wits end. Every time we argue, DH announces I am controlling and he is scared of me. I would really appreciate some objective advice as to whether this is controlling because I feel like I am losing my mind.

So, DH has a job 3 hours away. Despite us having 3 under 5s, and me also working in a high pressured job/ little family support close by, he refuses to consider looking for more local options. Our salaries are equal (in fact mine is higher) so I can’t just stop working and be at home.

He now has to be in the office at least twice a week, sometimes 3 times and with an overnight stay. On these days, he leaves before everyone gets up.

Yesterday he announced is is in the office 3 days and away one night next week, leaving me to pick things up at home. No consideration for my job or the pressure this puts on me. He keeps telling me I am damaging his career if I dare to question the impact on me.

The week after I am away for one day and asked DM if she could cover the day, so he can still go to the office. This has caused a HUGE argument because I didn’t ask him first/ he doesn’t need help and it’s just me that finds the juggle difficult/ I am controlling his life and his days in the office. It led to a torrent of abuse about how he is scared of me and he can’t make any decisions because I am so controlling (well no, we have 3 dc so DO need to discuss office days).

Seriously, is this controlling behaviour? I thought I was trying to help ease the pressure on him and his reaction was insane.

I agree

Don’t give up your job or financial independence OP.
A nanny sounds like money well spent

This is typical gaslighting behaviour deflecting how you feel so you are the problem.

Yes - otherwise we get on well and have a good time together as a family. As with lots of people at a similar stage, we don’t get much time together alone. I can’t remember the last time we went out for dinner. We’ve had one night away together since dc were born.

Yes I’ll be back the same day albeit an early start/ very late back - 7am eurostar, 6pm back.

No it’s not. He says it every time we argue and I find it infuriating and struggle to see that it’s true. Me being frustrated that his only socialising involves seeing his friends in home town (same town as job and therefore usually an overnight)? Controlling. Etc.

Every time you argue he calls you controlling?

Have you considered marriage counselling?

I’ve been reflecting a bit more. I think the major issue is I have built a life where we live (job, lots of friends mainly through dc, regular family visits) and he has nothing aside from me and dc. He would be 100% happier if we moved to his area. It feels like we can’t both ‘win’ this.

share this with him

It does sound a lot like you want your life living where you are and he want his life where he works. If he works in his old hometown and it’s where all of his family and friends are, I think that’s understandable.
This update makes things a bit clearer - he thinks you are controlling because he is living life on your terms - where your life is. He probably spends more time at work in his hometown/where he works because it’s his way of getting what feels like some control back over his life.
Ive changed my mind from when I replied before, I don’t think he’s necessarily being selfish, it seems like you just both want to live in different places and he’s in a push-pull between both places. Could you compromise and live halfway between both places so you both get a 1 and half hour commute?

Please do not move you need to have financial security he needs to work with you to find alternative solutions not get all his own way

Please do not move to suit him and certainly don’t give up your job, Is it possibly that he doesn’t like that you earn more than him.
You are not being controlling at all your DH is the one with issues he just announces what he’s working and staying over and your just expected to deal with that no consideration for your job or the children think I’d rather be a single Mum

Don’t give up your job OP. He needs to be open to adult discussions where you express you needs without calling you controlling which can be used by some people to shut a conversation down, and ironically, maintain their own control.

He seems to want it all his way. Hold firm. You deserve a happy life too.

But has he put the effort in to settle into his family’s community? If you’re the one with friends through the dc, you’ve been the one doing all the parenting miles. It’s controlling of him if anything to not bother, also take your efforts for granted , and get mad at you for wishing he wouldn’t run away from his actual life.

Agreed. I have actually put a huge effort into making friends here - all of my friends are through NCT/ baby groups and took time to foster so aside from the gym, everything I do involves taking 2 or 3 children. He has made no effort and again blames that on me being controlling. The main difference is the friends he wants are running friends, friends to go cycling for 4 hours with etc, leaving me holding the fort at home.

Don’t leave that. It’s not your fault he couldn’t give a rats arse about investing in and contributing to his family’s life. You and the kids are happy. His wants are all about escaping you, the kids and family life. I’d sit him down, tell him that, and say if what you really want is to fuck off away from family life, then I will pack your bag for you. And that is what it seems to me you want - more me this me that work friends without kids, and you don’t enable me to have much of that at all nor value the huge amount of effort I’ve put into our family life and the community for our kids. So do I pack your bag?

Hmm, I don't think you're the controlling one in this relationship. Using the word "controlling" immediately alleviates him of any responsibility, puts the onus on you and leaves you feeling guilty and questioning yourself while he flounces off to do as he pleases.
He clearly sees himself and his own career advancement as superior to you and yours and he's not prepared to give an inch or listen to your concerns. He sees you as the care giver and he's annoyed that you aren't seeing him as the main breadwinner who needs to rest . He appears to think it's 1957. And this, to me, is concerning. The "torrent of abuse" is also very concerning.
So, I'd ask you is this what you want? Is he fulfilling his role as a partner and a father? What are you getting from this marriage? Are the benefits of your ''high powered' jobs outweighing the negatives? Are your children benefitting from this situation?
If he so t even engage with you is he the person you want to be with? Do you have a future of is it time to have a rethink about your future?

So 2 days a week in the office and now 3 with an overnight stay? Riiight. He is getting A LOT out of his job isn’t he?

Sorry to say but he is up to something. Anyone else would be pissed off having to stay overnighy and an extra day at office but he is very protective of that situation isn’t he.

You’re not controlling. He is making you feel bad and arguing so that he can carry on whatever he is up to when he’s there.

I’d start quietly investigating, things will surface soon enough..

You’re not controlling.

Ot sounds like he is refusing to communicate and compromise with you and the best way to shut you down is to start calling you controlling.

Is the relationship ok in other aspects ?

Doesn't sound controlling but I would be concerned by his comments, are you sure he's staying away for work?

So his employer changed his location? And he decided to go along with it, rather than look for another job in the area where his original job was and where he has established his home and family ( I hope that’s correct).

Okay, that was his decision, maybe taken in consultation with you. But in that case, he has to make a friendship circle within the area where he had already decided to live, surely.

I don’t understand why he prefers to sulk about being isolated, but that’s his choice. It’s your choice to stay put , though.

And please, please do not give up your job, please , please.

He sounds like a twat. Can you get a nanny OP for a few mornings a week?

You don’t sound at all controlling, in fact he sounds like he’s totally gaslighting you and minimising the impact of his choices for his family.

I have no constructive advice sorry OP, but as someone who has a 4 hour round trip commute and currently only has to be in the office once a month (overnight stay, 2 days in the office back-to-back), my DP and me have had discussions about the frequency I can realistically be in the office with trying to balance his work, our children (3 and 11 months), the dogs and horses, life in general. My company has recently been taken over by a much larger company and I was prepared to have to negotiate my WFH arrangement to more frequent trips to the office but ultimately if I was required in the office much more frequently (as in weekly), I would reconsider my job.

For context we earn roughly the same, DP possibly a bit more. I love my job but what I love about it most is the flexibility it gives us because I WFH almost exclusively. I certainly wouldn't move much closer to my work if the arrangement changed but that's because we love where we live and DP's work is very much based here (he's self employed). We have discussed this topic at length and my DP often says we should protect my job at all costs because I'm unlikely to find such a good job closer to home, but the key thing is it is always an open discussion with two people willing to see each other's POV.

It sounds as though you have made valid suggestions to your DH about how to balance everything and unfortunately he is completely on the defensive. For what it's worth I don't think you are being controlling, just getting to the end of your tether with having to bear the bulk of the family responsibility while he can carry on doing what he thinks is best for HIM.

You would be very foolish given everything you have said not to investigate further, I’d be checking phones and gadgets and cross checking where he is spending the night etc. Under these circumstances it would be fair to say he has lied, been gas lighting and blaming you for the situation he himself has created and protects at all costs.

He had the opportunity to throw himself into your new community, to make friends and make it work - as you did, and he has chosen not to quite deliberately insisting his home town is his only social outlet - which just happens to require constant overnight stays and is hours away.

Op whatever else you decide to do, do not leave your job or your support network under any circumstances. If the worst happens they will be your salvation.

At the moment your marriage isn’t worth the paper it’s written on, and you deserve a million times better than this. You sound like a wonderful woman and what a shame he isn’t moving mountains to appreciate and support you. 💐