Apparently I’m controlling

[anicecuppateaa]

I’m at my wits end. Every time we argue, DH announces I am controlling and he is scared of me. I would really appreciate some objective advice as to whether this is controlling because I feel like I am losing my mind.

So, DH has a job 3 hours away. Despite us having 3 under 5s, and me also working in a high pressured job/ little family support close by, he refuses to consider looking for more local options. Our salaries are equal (in fact mine is higher) so I can’t just stop working and be at home.

He now has to be in the office at least twice a week, sometimes 3 times and with an overnight stay. On these days, he leaves before everyone gets up.

Yesterday he announced is is in the office 3 days and away one night next week, leaving me to pick things up at home. No consideration for my job or the pressure this puts on me. He keeps telling me I am damaging his career if I dare to question the impact on me.

The week after I am away for one day and asked DM if she could cover the day, so he can still go to the office. This has caused a HUGE argument because I didn’t ask him first/ he doesn’t need help and it’s just me that finds the juggle difficult/ I am controlling his life and his days in the office. It led to a torrent of abuse about how he is scared of me and he can’t make any decisions because I am so controlling (well no, we have 3 dc so DO need to discuss office days).

Seriously, is this controlling behaviour? I thought I was trying to help ease the pressure on him and his reaction was insane.

Whatever you do, do not move 3 hours away from your support system, do not give up your work (you make more than him, why would you?), don't stop expecting him to pull his weight. He doesn't get to parent only when it's convenient for him. Basically, any marriage can break down at any point, if you do the above you would be seriously screwed.

Your marriage sounds rocky (understandable with 3 under 5) but he is also only prioritising himself and you are getting ready to also only priotise him. It rarely works out in the long run.

I was your DH around 9 years ago.

3hr commute, overnight stays and DH picking up all the school runs, kids parties etc while working full time himself.

We sat down and discussed options, for reasons other posters have said (family support) moving to where my job was located wasn’t feasible.

In the end I realised I was going to have to choose between a job I loved (but was extremely stressful) and a DH who I loved more.

I found another job closer to home and it was the best decision I ever made.

I have no doubt we’d have been divorced within the year if I hadn’t.

If your DH isn’t even prepared to consider other options or the impact it’s having on the family then he’s a selfish twunt.

Please don’t give up your job, it makes you very vulnerable.
I stopped working, used my savings, we didn’t have enough money, i got in debt, as he would only help a little, and we are married.
I of course am working again.
Buts its made life difficult.

Not working affects so much, I have no pension provision, we don’t really have life insurance for me, as it ended with my employment, we have no holidays anymore.
Life is mostly miserable

If your DH isn’t even prepared to consider other options or the impact it’s having on the family then he’s a selfish twunt.

This. And IMO, he's the one who's being controlling - he allows his job to control everything.

This!

He sounds like the controlling one. He wants you to run the ship while he continues with his life and freedom when it suits him. When you reasonably ask for help after he just picks a day to be absent then he’s angry with you? What a trollop.

You expect him to change jobs! How about you find a job near where he works and move.

However, she could consider changing jobs and they move nearer to his work! It’s typical MN, the DH is always wrong!

Why? She makes more money than him and where they live now is where their support system lives. His job moved, hers didn't.

Why, can’t she find a job nearer where he works and they can move? She’s being equally unreasonable!

Don't move closer to his job and ruin your chances at your own. What about YOUR career? I presume the kids were also his choice and he was fully involved in their conception - so now he needs to realise that its not you holding his career back, its his own choices.

I'd say he needs to accept that you are not the default parent for childcare, and you have to DISCUSS this like grown adults how you deal with the day to day. Neither of you are wrong wanting a career. But there needs to be some give and take, and I am seeing a lot of taking and not much giving from your DH.

I'd also talk to him about his use of language - this isn't controlling, it's an attempt at communication!

Absolutely this he has weaponised the word controlling like the word nagging of old.

There is far more than one and with good reason.

clues

1, Darvo. Inventing the ops misdemeanours to switch from his own. ‘Anger’ ‘controlling’ neither of which the op is doing

1. wanting to do a 3 hour drive, prioritising it
2. the ops mother being in the house instead of him. Something planned.

Your DH has a 3 hour commute? Bloody hell that’s awful

Perhaps I should have asked him first, I accept that.

no “perhaps” about it

@Horserider5678you think it’s sensible to move from the location where the breadwinner works, the kids go to to school and they’re settled to move to where the lower earner has just taken a job to? Somewhat strange thought process.

Please don't give up your job and move! He sounds very difficult about everything - calling you controlling for considering different scenarios that might work better for your family, saying he is scared of you for suggesting things that put your family first sounds very odd to me. I think his rigid perspective is the problem.

If you do move, you will have risked your financial situation as an individual for the family, but he isn't prepared to even consider half of that risk by changing jobs.

I would bet that, if you give up your job and move closer to his, he will start working longer hours; and, when you object, claim that you are controlling and scare him because of your demands.

It sounds very much as if - like a lot of women on MN - you are alone in this marriage, pulling in a direction that your D is resisting.

I can't see how you're being controlling, I just see someone who knows she is the de facto carer and is trying to anticipate issues and address them. You mention having employed nannies in the past and haven't said why you stopped the nannies. This is probably the time to revisit that decision. Nannies are obviously very expensive but they would take so much pressure off you. As for your dh, it's impossible to know what's going on with him so don't give up your job or move so far away that commuting would be impossible and you also lose your support system because you are then in a very vulnerable position.

For him to say he is "scared" of you is really melodramatic and greatly diminished his credibility.

Sounds to me like he's gaslighting you. If anyone is being unreasonable, it's him for expecting everything to revolve around his career with no regard to your career or the childcare needs.

Given that your salary is higher than his, I don't think it's unreasonable that you would suggest he find a job closer to the house rather than uproot the entire family and move further from any grandparents and potential childcare help. That commute must be miserable for him. Is it possible he won't look for a closer option simply because you are suggesting it?

This is a very unhappy marriage
that’s the long and short of it

He's got no right to demand you don't have help. Especially when he's not pulling his weight.

Can you afford childcare? If so then tell him you're going to start using it. If not then your mum will help when ever you need her to.

He sounds like the one who's being controlling.

We have discussed a lifestyle move that would potentially enable us to be mortgage free/ I could stop working and do the bulk of the home stuff/ be closer to my family BUT he has just last month vetoed the area we were considering and really like, because it’s too far from his bloody job.

Don't give up your job.
Do buy in proper , reliable childcare (again) and help in the house.
He's in the office more? Overnights are a regular thing? He's leaving you and you haven't noticed. Moving away gradually.
Start making plans for life as a single mother.

Why, though? She thought he would be in the office, why would it be a problem for her mum to pick up the kids? If he was actually planning on WFH that day, he only needs to say "Thanks, but actually your mum doesn't need to, I'll be around". Yes, or she could have checked with him first, not a big deal really, is it?

A functioning couple should be capable of making sensible arrangements, and changing arrangements, with a reasonable level of initiative and trust, without anyone getting in a sulk about it.

From the op

I am VERY reluctant to move closer to his work. It would be 3.5 hours away from my family and I have no friends down there (his family and friends are all in that area but his family are not close - we see them twice a year at most). The area would also be a terrible commute for me if I were to continue working

Because in a good marriage, this is the sort of thing you would ask your husband / co parent